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britsteptoe · November 2013

MNVegas · November 2013

News flash!! It is your wedding so you pay for it. Your FI's family is not in anyway obligated to help pay for your wedding, pre-wedding events or anything else. You can try to talk to you FI about capping the guest list at a certain number, but if he wants to invite all 85 people then there is not too much you can do. It is his wedding too.

AlexisA01 · November 2013

britsteptoe said:

Here it is, the first wedding planning fight! My fiance comes from a very large family, made even bigger by divorced parents and step-parents. In total his immediate family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and spouses) comes to about 85 people. My family is much smaller, about 10 people including all aunts / uncles and cousins. To make matters worse, his parents (biological and step) are not planning on helping out. My fiance says it is not their responsibility and that we will cover the cost of his whole family. I would like to limit the # of guests his parents are able to invite but he is the one who wants everyone there... We have made very significant cuts already (no kids, no plus 1's, and a number of friends I would like to have) to accomodate his request...
Is there anything I can do or say to make him see how this is unbalanced? That parents should be contributing? That some uncles and aunts aren't as close to us as others and friends may trump them?...
I cannot find help for this anywhere!
Thanks all

His parents don't have contribute to your wedding. Stick to a small number and if his family does contribute then they would have a say in the guest list. Other than that, you and your FI need to come together on a guest list. Please don't pressure your FI into asking money from his family.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

I have kind of a similar situation minus the fighting. My FI's family is much larger than mine but we decided on 100 guests total. My parents are paying for the wedding so I discussed this with them and they came to the conclusion everyone gets to invite approximately 30 people and the extra will go to whoever needs it. This includes FI and I's friends.

We set this expectation up front with my FILs so that there would be no issue. FI is on my side with this though as we all see this as the fair way to go. There is not a case of anyone being put over anyone else so there really isn't conflict. The FILs just have to pick who they really want to be there. It's tough but it has to be done.

So maybe you can set the even expectations for everyone's guests? I would really sit down with your FI and discuss how this makes you feel (pressured, stressed, etc). You should be a team supporting each other and bouncing off ideas during the wedding planning process. There is no need for your FI to be at odds with you. That's not beneficial for anyone. I hope you two can work it out. This really is an issue you and your FI must work out together in order to get past it. Try not to stress and just approach it with a set plan.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

Nobody is required to fund your wedding. If they offer that is great...but you absolutely cannot ask for money. (Just remember anyone who pays gets a say). The best thing for you to do is...

1) Start with your budget. How much can you and FI afford.

2) Once you have a budget figure out your must have guest list and your like to add on guest list. Be mindful of his family and that it is his wedding just as much as it is yours.

3) Find a venue/catering company that can offer a deal that fits the number of guests you have and your budget.

4) Have a fantastic wedding with everyone you can afford to properly host (ie. dry weddings are fine but no cash bar! Also just beer and wine can save tons of money!)

My Tips for saving even more:

-Favors are not required, simply skip them all together.

-Postage is pricey, stick with simple invitations that you can mail with a regular stamp.

-Skip flowers for centerpieces or use in season flowers.

-Host your wedding at a non meal time and serve cake and punch instead of a full menu.

Hope this all helps you plan. Good Luck!

clarke10 · November 2013

Your FI is right. His parents have no responsibility to help fund your wedding.

If FI didn't want those family members there and FIL's were pushing the issue, I would say you are right and they can't make you invite them without contributing.

However, since your FI clearly wants his family there, I would really suggest you don't put up a fight. FI and I both have very large families. If he had a small family and suggested that I not invite my entire extended family, I would be upset. I have a very close extended family. Just remember that its his wedding too and he wants those important to him to be there.

Jen4948 · November 2013

clarke10 said:

Your FI is right. His parents have no responsibility to help fund your wedding.

If FI didn't want those family members there and FIL's were pushing the issue, I would say you are right and they can't make you invite them without contributing.

However, since your FI clearly wants his family there, I would really suggest you don't put up a fight. FI and I both have very large families. If he had a small family and suggested that I not invite my entire extended family, I would be upset. I have a very close extended family. Just remember that its his wedding too and he wants those important to him to be there.

I disagree. If it's that important to FI to have his family there, he has to contribute to the cost of entertaining them. He has no right to expect you or your family to cover the whole cost of entertaining them, while he and they contribute nothing.

And I would stand firm on that. This does strike me as a hill worth dying on, because it has the potential to affect your whole future with this man. He has no right to expect a free ride at your expense.

britsteptoe · November 2013

Thank you Jen! lol I just want it to be fair for everyone

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

I can see how this is unbalanced, but I can also see how he wants these people to come. Take his parents completely out of the equation - they are not obligated to pay for anything. Your FI is correct about that.

However, I think HE needs to consider the total number of people you can afford to invite and realize that you're sacrificing important people so that he can invite everyone in his large family. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50, but it IS important that you're able to invite people who are important to you. Just because they're friends and not family doesn't mean they're less important.

Make your list of important people. He has his list of important people. BOTH of you have to compromise to come to a number you can afford (not just you). Maybe that means his first cousins and their spouses don't get invited. If his parents are upset by that, you can just tell them you can't afford to invite those people. It's not personal, it's just a fact. If they offer to chip in so the first cousins can come, fine. But they're not obligated to do so.

jenniferurs · November 2013

When you say "we" in reference to paying and budget cuts, do you mean you and your FI or do you mean your family? And if it's you and your FI, are you both contributing equally?

clarke10 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

clarke10 said:

Your FI is right. His parents have no responsibility to help fund your wedding.

If FI didn't want those family members there and FIL's were pushing the issue, I would say you are right and they can't make you invite them without contributing.

However, since your FI clearly wants his family there, I would really suggest you don't put up a fight. FI and I both have very large families. If he had a small family and suggested that I not invite my entire extended family, I would be upset. I have a very close extended family. Just remember that its his wedding too and he wants those important to him to be there.

I disagree. If it's that important to FI to have his family there, he has to contribute to the cost of entertaining them. He has no right to expect you or your family to cover the whole cost of entertaining them, while he and they contribute nothing.

And I would stand firm on that. This does strike me as a hill worth dying on, because it has the potential to affect your whole future with this man. He has no right to expect a free ride at your expense.

I read this assuming that FI is contributing to the wedding. It says his parents aren't. It doesn't say he isn't.

AddieCake · November 2013

Your fiance must feel he can afford to pay for everyone. If the two of you together cannot, then you need to tell him you simply do not have the money to cover the cost of so many people. Have you laid out for him an exact number so he can see what the cost will be?

aurianna · November 2013

As PPs have said no one has an obligation to pay for your wedding except you two. The benefit of not having parental contributions is the two of you have full say on everything (whereas if parents were paying, they'd have a much bigger say on the guest list, as well as other aspects of the wedding).

Don't bring his parents into this. This conflict is between you and your fiance. You need to agree on what kind of wedding you want and who you want there.

Start with a budget.
Then have him make a list of everyone he must have at his wedding. And then a list of everyone he'd like to have. You do the same.
Then you look at venues you can afford for just the bare minimum of "must haves" all the way up to 'everyone' in both lists.
Decide if any of these make you happy.
If they do not, you will need to reevaluate lists.

This is where it's just between you. Your first married lesson in compromise and you're not even married yet!
You do not need to have an identical number of guests; if he has a lot more guests than you that doesn't make it unfair or that his parents need to pay. At the same time if you get to invite almost no friends just because his family is huge, that's not entirely fair either.
You all need to compromise on something, whether it's the list or the type of wedding you have, etc. There's no easy out here.

(now, if a lot of this push back is coming from his parents and they are the ones making these guest list demands then your FI needs to tell them something along the lines of "It's our wedding and we are making the final decisions on who we can host.")

aurianna · November 2013

double

ktbabe530 · November 2013

I feel your pain! I went through something similar. We are paying for everything ourselves and what helped us through the guest list task was knowing our budget and what we wanted for a wedding.

Have the budget talk first before the guest list. I think it helps to put things in perspective. Also, talk about what is important to both of you. It's a day for the two of you. Is it more important to have everyone there and serve cake and punch or is it more important to have a smaller wedding with dinner and drinks.

Good luck!

annathy03 · November 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

I can see how this is unbalanced, but I can also see how he wants these people to come. Take his parents completely out of the equation - they are not obligated to pay for anything. Your FI is correct about that.

However, I think HE needs to consider the total number of people you can afford to invite and realize that you're sacrificing important people so that he can invite everyone in his large family. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50, but it IS important that you're able to invite people who are important to you. Just because they're friends and not family doesn't mean they're less important.

Make your list of important people. He has his list of important people. BOTH of you have to compromise to come to a number you can afford (not just you). Maybe that means his first cousins and their spouses don't get invited. If his parents are upset by that, you can just tell them you can't afford to invite those people. It's not personal, it's just a fact. If they offer to chip in so the first cousins can come, fine. But they're not obligated to do so.

Pretend I said this.

While it doesn't need to be 50/50, you shouldn't have to be cutting all your friends because he wants to invite 85 family members. The two of you need to resolve a guest list that is fair to the two of you (and while inviting in circles results in less hurt feelings, there's nothing wrong with him inviting cousins he is close to but not ones he isn't). If neither set of parents is contributing the guest list only needs to satisfy you two, if either parents want to insist on more guests they can offer host any discrepancies between your list and their "must invite list" when you get to that bridge.

britsteptoe · November 2013

Yes, My parents are contributing about 60% of the costs and he wants us (my FI and I) to pay the rest (we already live together so our expenses are one), which I just feel is unfair to my parents. Why should they have to pay for 85 people they've never met without any help from his side? I am fine with covering some costs, but I don't feel it is fair for me, my fiance and my parents to have to save like crazy to entertain and feed that whole side of the family without any help...

clarke10 · November 2013

I agree that you need to take his parents completely out of the equation. The issue is not between you and FIL's, the issue is between you and FI since he's the one insisting on inviting them.

annathy03 · November 2013

britsteptoe said:

Yes, My parents are contributing about 60% of the costs and he wants us (my FI and I) to pay the rest (we already live together so our expenses are one), which I just feel is unfair to my parents. Why should they have to pay for 85 people they've never met without any help from his side? I am fine with covering some costs, but I don't feel it is fair for me, my fiance and my parents to have to save like crazy to entertain and feed that whole side of the family without any help...

How many people are on your parents "must invite" list? Just the 10?

tammym1001 · November 2013

I might be in the minority here, but I don't think it's fair that you get to invite all your aunts, uncles, and cousins but you say that he isn't allowed because he has more of them. I think if you get to invite your entire family then he should get to invite his entire family as well. He shouldn't be punished because he has a larger family than you.

Also, if your parents offered to help pay for your wedding then that was very nice of them, but it's not necessary for his parents to offer also. If your parents don't want to pay for people that they don't know then they shouldn't have offered. There's no way that they could know everyone at the wedding. If they only want to pay for their guests that they know then they should and you and your FI should pay for everyone else.

clarke10 · November 2013

britsteptoe said:

Yes, My parents are contributing about 60% of the costs and he wants us (my FI and I) to pay the rest (we already live together so our expenses are one), which I just feel is unfair to my parents. Why should they have to pay for 85 people they've never met without any help from his side? I am fine with covering some costs, but I don't feel it is fair for me, my fiance and my parents to have to save like crazy to entertain and feed that whole side of the family without any help...

I don't think its unfair for FI to have to save for it. Your OP said he's the one pushing to have them there? I do agree that you shouldn't ask your parents for more money to cover his large family.

britsteptoe · November 2013

Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people.

I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...

Jen4948 · November 2013

clarke10 said:

Jen4948 said:

clarke10 said:

Your FI is right. His parents have no responsibility to help fund your wedding.

If FI didn't want those family members there and FIL's were pushing the issue, I would say you are right and they can't make you invite them without contributing.

However, since your FI clearly wants his family there, I would really suggest you don't put up a fight. FI and I both have very large families. If he had a small family and suggested that I not invite my entire extended family, I would be upset. I have a very close extended family. Just remember that its his wedding too and he wants those important to him to be there.

I disagree. If it's that important to FI to have his family there, he has to contribute to the cost of entertaining them. He has no right to expect you or your family to cover the whole cost of entertaining them, while he and they contribute nothing.

And I would stand firm on that. This does strike me as a hill worth dying on, because it has the potential to affect your whole future with this man. He has no right to expect a free ride at your expense.

I read this assuming that FI is contributing to the wedding. It says his parents aren't. It doesn't say he isn't.

It also doesn't say he is.

@britsteptoe, he's made it clear through this process and telling you that what he wants is more important than what you want. Is he doing that for other decisions too? If so, I think you have bigger issues to discuss than the guest list. You might need to insist on couples' counseling.

Weesh · November 2013

britsteptoe said:

Yes, My parents are contributing about 60% of the costs and he wants us (my FI and I) to pay the rest (we already live together so our expenses are one), which I just feel is unfair to my parents. Why should they have to pay for 85 people they've never met without any help from his side? I am fine with covering some costs, but I don't feel it is fair for me, my fiance and my parents to have to save like crazy to entertain and feed that whole side of the family without any help...

It sounds like you are frustrated, angry, or upset that his parents are not contributing and that your fiance is saying that you two will cover the costs of his family. But it doesn't sound like you have a FIL's problem, it sounds like you have a fiance problem. You need to get on the same page with your budget, and your overall vision or idea of your wedding. Do you want to have a large wedding? Can you afford the number of guests that you want to have?

Also, realize that your parents are generously offering to contribute 60%, but not all parents can or will do that. Just because they can doesn't mean your fiance's family can. If you can't get past those feelings of frustration and resentment, plan what you can afford to pay for on your own.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

The only way you are going to get him to change his mind is to sit down with your wedding plans & your budget and go here:

10,000 total buget (example)

Florist xx.xx

Attire xx.xx

Limo xx.xx

DJ xx.xx

Photos xx.xx

Ceremony xx.xx

Whatever other expenses you xx.xx

Total xx.xx

$10,000

- xx,xxx expense total

$YY,yyy left to spend on reception,favors, & programs & invites

What is your per person costs for the reception? Favors & programs can be scratched but then add invite cost for each person (including postage)

$60.00 per person for reception + $2.00 per invite (example figures) = $62.00 per person cost

so if after your other expenses where you can't cut things you have have $5,000 left in your budget then do $5,000/$62.00 per guest cost = 80 guests you can invite

It is great that you're parents are willing to help out so much with your wedding, you very blessed. Would it be nice for his parents to contribute also, of course. But maybe they just aren't in a position to guarantee that they will have the money to help so if they have the money you will get a generous wedding gifts. Whatever the reason, you can't require them to pay for an event you are having. You can tell them that you can only afford to invite so many people and that they will have to cut their list back. If they offer to help make up the difference so that don't have to cut anyone, that's a different thing.

aurianna · November 2013

blah.

aurianna · November 2013

Oh. New information.

I'm sure your parents were aware of the family dynamic and that they'd be paying for a lot of his family when they agreed to pay 60%. So it's nice of you to worry about them, but if they haven't expressed distress over this matter, I wouldn't worry, assuming they are getting to invite their VIPs. (those who pay, say. So while they'd probably be in their rights to say "we get 30, you get 30 and his parents get 30" or something along those lines, if they've told you they're leaving the guest list up to you, that's very generous of them.

My family dynamic was similar. My whole family (parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, first cousins) totals under 20. Hubby has 36 first cousins and roughly 25 uncles and aunts. My mother paid for everything but the RD (in-laws did that) but there was never a question. From the start she said invite his whole family. Because she wanted to be the hostess of the wedding and she understood that his family would become my family; she never felt slighted for paying for so many she'd never met. Your parents might be of the same mindset.

The real issue is compromising on the list with your fiance.

It sounds like your fiance is not taking your feelings into account.
It's not fair that you can't have your close friends with you on your wedding day just because his grandparents were very prolific.
Make him understand that many of your friends are super close to you and like family because you have so little of it.

If he's so ready to dismiss your important relationships and feelings, you have larger problems.
Figure out what is most important to you and let him know.

Booking the venue before finalizing the guest list was a mistake. But that ship has sailed. Now work within your budget as PP recommended.

britsteptoe · November 2013

Thank you all for your help I have a lot of ideas and solutions to work with now, much appreciated

princessleia22 · November 2013

Definitely figure out the budget and use that as your starting point. We also have a lopsided guest list, with my side of family being much larger. But, we are paying for everything ourselves, knew our budget, and knew we wanted to keep guest list small (under 50 people). First thing that we did is figure out our absolute must have guests: ie. parents, siblings, 1 or 2 closest friends. The people that we would be very devastated if they weren't at our wedding. After that, we knew that everyone else was an option to cut if needed. Even if it would be nice to have them there, our budget & wedding plan was more critical to our happiness than their attendance.

We ended up inviting everyone in his family (less than 20 people). If we invited everyone on my side, we would easily top 100 guests, since I have a lot of 1st cousins and my family still regularly communicates with 2nd & 3rd cousins too. So, we had to set a strict cut off line. I invited my aunts & uncles, but stopped there... no cousins, no old family friends, that's it. There are a few cousins that I'm closer to than others that I would have liked to have there, but I didn't feel right inviting some cousins without inviting the others. And we only invited 3 couples out of our friends & coworkers, choosing to make it mainly a small, close family event.

So, figure out the budget, how many guests you can afford in that budget, and work from there. Its a lot easier to cut the list once you decide who the most critical guests are and you come to terms with the fact that having the others there may be nice, it is not critical to your happiness that day. But, this is something you and your FI need to work out. Its not his parents responsibility to pay for their side of the guests. And it is FI's wedding too, so he has as much say as you do. This is a good opportunity for you two to work on communication skills & compromise. If you can't solve this problem together of just planning a party, how will you ever solve larger problems later in your marriage?

britsteptoe · November 2013

Thanks nicoann that is also good advice

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I would just offer the perspective that life isn't always fair.

We invited 152 people to our wedding. Of that number 92 were from my side and 60 were from DH's.

We both invited ALL of our aunts/uncles/first cousins. But you know what? My family is Greek-Irish, so there are 40 people in that category for me. DH's has two aunts, one uncle, and one first cousin. That's it.

I would have been pissed as hell if he had said to me, "Oh, you have to cut all but two aunts, one uncle, and one cousin, because that's all I have." Life is about compromise. I invited all of my family members; he invited all of his.

The flip side is that he invited more friends than I did. Til I got through my family, my parents' friends/people who are like family/my godparents/my confirmation sponsor/the two couples my mother insisted I invite, I was at 80 people. I invited a few VERY CLOSE friends on top of that.

DH, on the other hand, invited his favourite bartender, because he had the space on his list to do so.

My parents ended up paying for our reception, although we went into the planning thinking that we would pay for everything ourselves. At no point did I think DH's family (or my family, for that matter) "should" pay.

DH's BSC grandmother did demand that he invite ALL of his second cousins once-removed, their husbands, and their children (six cousins, six spouses, 27 children total). He compromised by inviting the cousins and spouses but not the children, because he wanted to use his extra spaces for friends he actually likes not relatives he doesn't see.

She wasn't happy about it, but he said, "Crazy Lady, the guest list is not up for debate. The discussion is closed."

Because she wasn't paying (and at the time we made the guest list, we didn't know my parents WERE paying), we were able to say, "This is our party, and we are inviting the people we want. We will take other requests into consideration, but we make no promises."

In the end, I agreed with my parents and his disagreed with his grandmother, so my parents got their requests and his grandmother didn't.

But the point is that WE invited the people WE wanted there -- including family. If your FI wants this aunts/uncles/cousins there, then you need to respect that. And if that means he cuts HIS friends to make it happen, fine. But you shouldn't be cutting YOUR friends to make that happen.

You need to (A) figure out your budget and (B) figure out your guest list and then from there figure out what you can afford to feed them. If that means having a cake-and-punch reception after a 2 p.m. ceremony, then so be it.

It's better to have your wedding at a different time than you planned than to have it without the people you want to have there.

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