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Chit Chat

Father problems

We have just started planing our wedding and had gotten the contract in the mail for the site we were going to use.  My fiancé and I went out my parents as the contract was in their name and they are helping to fund the wedding.  In talking about if we were all ok with the venue, the price and so on my mother ask my father if he was going to be part of this as he had been finding issues with every last thing since we had picked a place, and he said " NO".  It has nothing to do with who I am marrying has he had ask for my hand and my father said yes.  My father has "issues" being around people he " doesn't like people" and our guest count is around 270. 

 

When he said that I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life next to my future husband my father is the most important person to be there with me on that day.  I don't know how I would deal or keep face if one the biggest day of my life my father is not there and how  would my family and I address the where is he questions and how can I let it be known that he does approve of me getting married?

 

The only thing I truely want is for him to be there, walk me down the aslie give me away and give me my father daughter dance.

 

 

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Re: Father problems

  • megan8305 said:

    We have just started planing our wedding and had gotten the contract in the mail for the site we were going to use.  My fiancé and I went out my parents as the contract was in their name and they are helping to fund the wedding.  In talking about if we were all ok with the venue, the price and so on my mother ask my father if he was going to be part of this as he had been finding issues with every last thing since we had picked a place, and he said " NO".  It has nothing to do with who I am marrying has he had ask for my hand and my father said yes.  My father has "issues" being around people he " doesn't like people" and our guest count is around 270. 

    When he said that I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life next to my future husband my father is the most important person to be there with me on that day.  I don't know how I would deal or keep face if one the biggest day of my life my father is not there and how  would my family and I address the where is he questions and how can I let it be known that he does approve of me getting married? 

    The only thing I truely want is for him to be there, walk me down the aslie give me away and give me my father daughter dance.

    I'm really sorry that you're upset about this. I had a very hard time understanding your post. Is your dad saying he's not going to attend the wedding because you're inviting too many people? 

    From what you've said, the most important thing in the world is that your father is there. You have a decision to make. Either A) ask your dad how many people he's ok with and cut your guest list to that number to ensure he attends, or B) plan for 270 as you are currently and understand he may not attend. 
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  • I don't think the number of people truely matters he just hates being around people.  There could be 20 people there or 2000 and he wouldn't like it

  • From your post, I'm guessing that there is a larger issue that you either don't know about or didn't say since it sounds crazy that your father would miss your wedding for the reasons you listed. If so, he's being an asshole. I feel like we're missing a lot of the story. 

    If having your dad these is truly that important to you, maybe you should move forward with an intimate wedding. 
  • Misssunshine17, I am telling as much as I know, I wish I knew more but not sure if I ever will.  My mom told me my father has always had issues with people; he would never go to work Christmas parties or other events of the such regardless if they were work related or family/friends. 
  • When things first got serious with Matt and I we tried to get my parents and his parents together for dinner and trying to get my dad ok with that was like pulling teeth.

     

     

  • megan8305 said:

    I don't think the number of people truely matters he just hates being around people.  There could be 20 people there or 2000 and he wouldn't like it

    megan8305 said:
    Misssunshine17, I am telling as much as I know, I wish I knew more but not sure if I ever will.  My mom told me my father has always had issues with people; he would never go to work Christmas parties or other events of the such regardless if they were work related or family/friends. 
    I think him not liking crowds (I can relate) is really different than refusing to attend. I'm confused. So no matter how many people are there, he's saying he's not going to attend your wedding? Or is he just voicing the fact that he doesn't like crowds, but he's planning to suck it up and attend?
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  • southernbelle0915 as of now it seems as if he is not going to show up at all.  My mother and husband to be had a talk with him that night after i left( due to being to upset) and I was told he"Might think about going to the ceromony" ( which is going to be much smaller with no more then 100 guest) but he isn't too sure

      

  • megan8305 said:
    Misssunshine17, I am telling as much as I know, I wish I knew more but not sure if I ever will.  My mom told me my father has always had issues with people; he would never go to work Christmas parties or other events of the such regardless if they were work related or family/friends. 
    This is a huge stretch based on a couple of sentences but there is maybe a possibly that he might have a psychological condition.  If that is the case attending your wedding could be very difficult for him.  
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  • mysticl that truely might be an issues but I am in every way a daddy's girl and this is killing me. and I know its killing my FI too as he is seeing how much this is hurting me and how I am shutting down and  really don't want to talk wedding anymore. 
  • megan8305 said:
    mysticl that truely might be an issues but I am in every way a daddy's girl and this is killing me. and I know its killing my FI too as he is seeing how much this is hurting me and how I am shutting down and  really don't want to talk wedding anymore. 
    Then you really, really have to make a decision -- decide which is more important to you, having your father there or having a 270-person wedding. 

    Could you split the difference, and have an intimate wedding (you, FH, your parents, his parents, any siblings or grandparents) that your father would attend and then have a larger reception that he's not obligated to attend?
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • megan8305 said:

    southernbelle0915 as of now it seems as if he is not going to show up at all.  My mother and husband to be had a talk with him that night after i left( due to being to upset) and I was told he"Might think about going to the ceromony" ( which is going to be much smaller with no more then 100 guest) but he isn't too sure

    Um, wait, you are inviting about 100 guests to just the ceremony and about 270 to the reception?  Please don't, that's very rude, IMO.  
    Anyways, I agree with PPs about how that sounds irrational/weird to not attend your own daughter's wedding just because you don't like people (BTW I am shy and dislike crowds).  

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  • So suddenly, out of the blue, he is not attending your wedding b/c he doesn't like crowds?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • doeydo said:
    megan8305 said:

    southernbelle0915 as of now it seems as if he is not going to show up at all.  My mother and husband to be had a talk with him that night after i left( due to being to upset) and I was told he"Might think about going to the ceromony" ( which is going to be much smaller with no more then 100 guest) but he isn't too sure

    Um, wait, you are inviting about 100 guests to just the ceremony and about 270 to the reception?  Please don't, that's very rude, IMO.  
    Anyways, I agree with PPs about how that sounds irrational/weird to not attend your own daughter's wedding just because you don't like people (BTW I am shy and dislike crowds).  

    First off, I'm very sorry you are having this problem.  It sounds very likely that your dad has a serious psychological condition, if his dislike of crowds is so extreme he would miss his own daughter's wedding.  Or it's also entirely possible there's some other reason your dad doesn't want to attend, and he's just blaming his condition to avoid a difficult conversation with you.  Either way, he needs serious help treating his condition (if he has one) and being honest (if he doesn't).

    And I'm also curious about this 100 people at the ceremony, 270 at the wedding, thing.  It sounds like a tiered wedding which is absolutely an etiquette no-no.  People are either invited to all of your wedding, or none of it.  Or maybe you just expect people not to attend a church/religious ceremony?
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."


  • doeydo said:
    megan8305 said:

    southernbelle0915 as of now it seems as if he is not going to show up at all.  My mother and husband to be had a talk with him that night after i left( due to being to upset) and I was told he"Might think about going to the ceromony" ( which is going to be much smaller with no more then 100 guest) but he isn't too sure

    Um, wait, you are inviting about 100 guests to just the ceremony and about 270 to the reception?  Please don't, that's very rude, IMO.  
    Anyways, I agree with PPs about how that sounds irrational/weird to not attend your own daughter's wedding just because you don't like people (BTW I am shy and dislike crowds).  

    First off, I'm very sorry you are having this problem.  It sounds very likely that your dad has a serious psychological condition, if his dislike of crowds is so extreme he would miss his own daughter's wedding.  Or it's also entirely possible there's some other reason your dad doesn't want to attend, and he's just blaming his condition to avoid a difficult conversation with you.  Either way, he needs serious help treating his condition (if he has one) and being honest (if he doesn't).

    And I'm also curious about this 100 people at the ceremony, 270 at the wedding, thing.  It sounds like a tiered wedding which is absolutely an etiquette no-no.  People are either invited to all of your wedding, or none of it.  Or maybe you just expect people not to attend a church/religious ceremony?
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And I agree with JCBride, it does sound like your dad may have a psychological condition. I say this because my dad has a mental illness and behaves in this way. He stood me up at my graduation because of the crowd, and probably wouldn't come to my wedding either. My best advice here is to just not let it ruin your day (I know that's easier said than done) and just focus on all the good things happening.

    Asking him to come to the ceremony and excusing him from the reception might be the best compromise. Ask him what would make him feel better about it. Maybe there's a way you can accommodate him, by waiting with him in a private place while guests are arriving and seating him with his favorite family members.
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  • The ceromony site is smaller site and we want it to just be close family plus we do know a majority of the people will only come for the recption. My wedding planer told me that this was fine and alot of people did that i never thought that would be an issue.
  • I asked him if he would just do the ceromny and he said probaly not

  • The odd thing is he has come to all my graduations, and band things growing up its just odd





    doeydo said:


    W
    megan8305 said:

    southernbelle0915 as of now it seems as if he is not going to show up at all.  My mother and husband to be had a talk with him that night after i left( due to being to upset) and I was told he"Might think about going to the ceromony" ( which is going to be much smaller with no more then 100 guest) but he isn't too sure

    Um, wait, you are inviting about 100 guests to just the ceremony and about 270 to the reception?  Please don't, that's very rude, IMO.  
    Anyways, I agree with PPs about how that sounds irrational/weird to not attend your own daughter's wedding just because you don't like people (BTW I am shy and dislike crowds).  



    First off, I'm very sorry you are having this problem.  It sounds very likely that your dad has a serious psychological condition, if his dislike of crowds is so extreme he would miss his own daughter's wedding.  Or it's also entirely possible there's some other reason your dad doesn't want to attend, and he's just blaming his condition to avoid a difficult conversation with you.  Either way, he needs serious help treating his condition (if he has one) and being honest (if he doesn't).

    And I'm also curious about this 100 people at the ceremony, 270 at the wedding, thing.  It sounds like a tiered wedding which is absolutely an etiquette no-no.  People are either invited to all of your wedding, or none of it.  Or maybe you just expect people not to attend a church/religious ceremony?



    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And I agree with JCBride, it does sound like your dad may have a psychological condition. I say this because my dad has a mental illness and behaves in this way. He stood me up at my graduation because of the crowd, and probably wouldn't come to my wedding either. My best advice here is to just not let it ruin your day (I know that's easier said than done) and just focus on all the good things happening.

    Asking him to come to the ceremony and excusing him from the reception might be the best compromise. Ask him what would make him feel better about it. Maybe there's a way you can accommodate him, by waiting with him in a private place while guests are arriving and seating him with his favorite family members.


  • megan8305 said:

    The ceromony site is smaller site and we want it to just be close family plus we do know a majority of the people will only come for the recption. My wedding planer told me that this was fine and alot of people did that i never thought that would be an issue.


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    First, your wedding planner is wrong. This is rude. If you had a private ceremony with just family, it would be ok, but 100 close people for a private ceremony is ridiculous.

    Sorry you are dealing with this issue with your father. Maybe it would be best to just have a small wedding so he can attend.
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  • OP I still cannot tell from your posts whether you just expect fewer people to show up at your ceremony, or whether you have not invited everyone to the ceremony.  I agree, depending on whether it's a churchgoing crowd, some people may not show up to the ceremony.  But it's very rude to only invite people to part of your wedding.  This implies that certain guests are more important than others, which is a sure path to hurt feelings.

    Back to the issue with your dad.  It sounds like this is a new problem, if he used to come to events.  Or, again, it seems like this sudden aversion to crowds is really just hiding some larger issue he has with your wedding.  I also reread your OP and the fact that he's also been finding issues with "every little thing," it sounds like there is something going on besides just a fear of crowds.  Please sit down and talk with your dad rationally about why he doesn't want to come to your wedding.  Either he needs to seek psychological help, or there is something else going on you need to talk about.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • At this point, I would call your dad out.  Say "Dad, I love you, but you skipping your own daughter's wedding because you don't like crowds is not normal or healthy.  You need to see a doctor about this.  Because if you cannot come to my wedding, I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you (or x threat)." 

    And your wedding planner is wrong.  She doesn't care how half of your guest list will feel when they find out they weren't invited to the ceremony.  She also won't have to see those people again, but you do.  There will be people that hold this against you forever.  Your ceremony should be immediate family only, no aunts/uncles, cousins or friends.  When you start adding in other people than immediate family, it becomes a gray area and that's when you could start ruining family relations.
  • The ceromny will be less then 100!
    HIS FAMILY IS CLOSE THRY HAVE FAMILY DINNERS EVERY WEEK THEY AND OUR BRIDAL PARTY AND MY SMALL FAMILY IS ALL THAT WILL BE AT THE CEROMNY. NEIGHBORS FAMILY FRIENDS ECT ARE INVITED TO THE CEROMNY! HOW IS THAT AN ISSUE. IS THIS AN ISSUE WHEN PEOPLE HAVE DESTNATION WEDDINGS AND ONLY SOME PEOPLE ARE INVITED AND THEN THEY INVITE EVERYONE TO THEIR RECPTION ?


    THE ISSUE OF A SMALL CEROMNY WAS TALKED ABOUT BY ALL OF US AND EVERYONE WAS OK WITH IT!

    maybe it was just freaking dumb of me to post a question ar all
  • Um, everyone should be invited to your ceremony, sorry. I know this isn't what you originally asked, but I have no idea what issues your father has nor how to fix that. I do know that people want to see you get married, and unless it is truly private, you need to invite people to both.

    Also, no need to yell.
  • No need to bash some for haveing a private ceromny either. It seems everyone is more concerned about getting on my case for that and not the issue i asked about. Like I stated before pisting a question was a huge mistake. I wish I could delete it
  • 100 people does not constitute a "private" ceremony.
  • I am truly coming from a place of trying to help. If you are about to hurt the feelings of about 170 people and potentially damage relationships, you should know that and be able to consider it. And I, like most people on here, have been generally focused on the issue with your dad. You got the best advice I think we can give without personally knowing him or the situation: talk to him about it, and maybe he needs to see a counselor. But something is fishy with the dad situation: talk to him.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • @megan8305

    People are going to say what they want on a post. If that bothers you than a place like this is not for you. That being said, I think that YOU need to talk to your dad one on one. NOT your mom or your fiancé. It probably will not be a fun or good conversation but the only way to have a truly effective conversation is for YOU to voice YOUR feelings and concerns to him and NOT have other people do it for you. Plus if they would happen to get any sort of information from him, having them relay it back to you could cause more / unnecessary problems. They could misinterpret what he said. They could say what he said wrong so it comes off as something different. They could forget to say something that he said (or add on to what he said) which may be a complete "game changer" so to speak when you would end up talking to him. All in all, it is BEST for YOU to talk to YOUR father. I know it won't be fun but its what needs to be done.

  • megan8305 said:
    The ceromny will be less then 100! HIS FAMILY IS CLOSE THRY HAVE FAMILY DINNERS EVERY WEEK THEY AND OUR BRIDAL PARTY AND MY SMALL FAMILY IS ALL THAT WILL BE AT THE CEROMNY. NEIGHBORS FAMILY FRIENDS ECT ARE INVITED TO THE CEROMNY! HOW IS THAT AN ISSUE. IS THIS AN ISSUE WHEN PEOPLE HAVE DESTNATION WEDDINGS AND ONLY SOME PEOPLE ARE INVITED AND THEN THEY INVITE EVERYONE TO THEIR RECPTION ? THE ISSUE OF A SMALL CEROMNY WAS TALKED ABOUT BY ALL OF US AND EVERYONE WAS OK WITH IT! maybe it was just freaking dumb of me to post a question ar all
    Why are you screaming?  If this is how you react when someone tries to explain a problem to you, I can see why your dad doesn't want to come.

    Maybe he's embarrassed that you want to have a rude ceremony, but he knows you'll fly off the handle and start screaming if he tries to have a rational conversation with you.
  • megan8305 said:
    No need to bash some for haveing a private ceromny either. It seems everyone is more concerned about getting on my case for that and not the issue i asked about. Like I stated before pisting a question was a huge mistake. I wish I could delete it
    My brother and his wife had a private ceremony.  There were 18 people there.  Their wedding reception had about 200.  Do you see the difference?  And most of your family and friends won't tell you that their feelings are hurt because they are not invited to the ceremony.  They don't want to hurt your feelings, so they hide their own.
  • Yeah, your ceremony numbers do not a private ceremony make. I still don't understand how your dad is JUST NOW expressing this. How did it not come up when you first announced your engagement?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • AddieL73 said:

    Yeah, your ceremony numbers do not a private ceremony make. I still don't understand how your dad is JUST NOW expressing this. How did it not come up when you first announced your engagement?


    This. I am equally confused as to why this is so sudden. My dad hates crowds. I do, too. And we are getting stuck with a huge group because my family's huge and FI insists on including almost every human being he's ever met. But we will suck it up and be nice for a day because it 's about more than just what "we" want. That's the normal, mature response to a situation that goes against personal preferences. Your father's extreme reaction is not.
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