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Am I being a Bridezilla?

BNJ810BNJ810 member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My mom and my MOH both smoke.  I don't smoke but generally tolerate it.  Sometimes though it will make me extremely sick, not only being around it but the smell left afterwards.  Since I really do not want to be sick on my wedding day I have asked them both to not smoke the day of.  The entire day, from start to finish, not just when I'm around.  I have purchased e-cigarettes for both of them and have even offered to purchase nicotine patches or whatever else they might need to make it through the day.  My mom is acting as though I'm asking way to much and I'm being unreasonable.  Honestly, is this too much to ask?
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla?

  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    My mom and my MOH both smoke.  I don't smoke but generally tolerate it.  Sometimes though it will make me extremely sick, not only being around it but the smell left afterwards.  Since I really do not want to be sick on my wedding day I have asked them both to not smoke the day of.  The entire day, from start to finish, not just when I'm around.  I have purchased e-cigarettes for both of them and have even offered to purchase nicotine patches or whatever else they might need to make it through the day.  My mom is acting as though I'm asking way to much and I'm being unreasonable.  Honestly, is this too much to ask

    ***JIC
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    If being around the smell of it makes me physically ill what should I do?  Even when someone smokes and then washes their hands and brushes their teeth the smell of their clothes will still make me sick.  I do not want to demand anything of anyone.  I don't see this as my pretty princess day.  I want to be a good hostess (I see this whole thing as basically throwing a large scale dinner party and guests come first) but at the same time I don't want to spend my wedding day in a dark room all alone trying not to throw up so that my mom and maid of honor can smoke cigarettes. 
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    You can't ask them not to smoke all day. You can ask them not to smoke around you, ESPECIALLY when you're wearing your wedding dress. If you're reception is inside the likely won't be able to smoke there. But you can't dictate what activities they can and cannot partake in when not in your presence. 

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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Our reception is inside but they are able to smoke outside.  I can easily avoid being around them while they smoke but there's nothing I can do to take the smell away.  I guess the only thing I can do is just avoid them.  Could I ask them to not smoke up until the point where we are done with pictures?  I can't really avoid them if I'm being photographed with them.  I really do not know what else to do.  The idea that I can't even be around either one of them is honestly heart breaking. 
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  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    @BNJ810 - First of all, apologize to both of them for making such a demand.   I'm sure you know it's rude, or you wouldn't have asked us.   Secondly, it sucks, I know, I have the same problem, however it's their decision to smoke and YOUR decision to be around them afterwards.  If it'll make you sick, walk away and avoid being around them.  Yes, I understand their super important to you, but if it'll make you physically ill on your wedding day, you might just need to do that.

    Finally - compromise.   If either of them OFFER to compromise, see if they'll compromise to  withhold smoking until after the ceremony/pictures.  Provide a basket in the bathroom with non-scented Febrese for their clothes, gum, nicotine patches, e-cigerettes, and whatever else you've purchased.   This is all you can do. 

    Best wishes to you on your wedding day!
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    I hate that I've asked it.  I hate that I have to.  I hate that I'm not going to be able to have a single picture of me with my mother or my MOH if they choose to smoke.  I hate that I can't sit near them and I hate that I won't be able to get ready with them.  But I now feel like my only option is to exclude them.  Thanks for the input ladies.  I really appreciate it. 

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  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I generally think that you shouldn't try to control other people's behavior, but do they know how sick tobacco smoke makes you? You can probably just let them know that.
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:
    BNJ810 said:
    If being around the smell of it makes me physically ill what should I do?  Even when someone smokes and then washes their hands and brushes their teeth the smell of their clothes will still make me sick.  I do not want to demand anything of anyone.  I don't see this as my pretty princess day.  I want to be a good hostess (I see this whole thing as basically throwing a large scale dinner party and guests come first) but at the same time I don't want to spend my wedding day in a dark room all alone trying not to throw up so that my mom and maid of honor can smoke cigarettes. 
    Just avoid them. Honestly. Unless your MOH took up smoking after you asked her to be MOH, you've known about this. You can politely tell them that in order for you not to feel sick, you may excuse yourself if you smell residual smoke - it's not personal, but you don't want to feel nauseous. But you can't ask them not to smoke at all... It's their choice.
     
    I have been friends with my MOH since we were 7.  Clearly, she didn't smoke then.  She started smoking 3-4 years ago.  I haven't lived in the same city as her since then therefor I'm not around it.  She knows how it effects me and will try to not smoke when we are in close quarters. 
    BNJ810 said:
    Our reception is inside but they are able to smoke outside.  I can easily avoid being around them while they smoke but there's nothing I can do to take the smell away.  I guess the only thing I can do is just avoid them.  Could I ask them to not smoke up until the point where we are done with pictures?  I can't really avoid them if I'm being photographed with them.  I really do not know what else to do.  The idea that I can't even be around either one of them is honestly heart breaking. 
    How do you normally handle being with these people? Do you have internet/phone based relationships with them? Do you normally sit on the other side of the room? Never hug them? I don't think I really understand this.
     
    I live 5 hours from both my mom and MOH.  I see them roughly once a year.  My mom no longer smokes inside of her house and when I go to visit she mainly stays outside and I stay inside.  We don't hug.  I just accept that I'm going to feel like hell the entire time that I am there.  Some times I spend most of my visit in the bathroom/bedroom.  It just depends.  It never seems to effect me in the same way.  Sometimes I just feel nauseous (which I am willing to deal with most of the time) and other times it develops into a migraine.  
    BNJ810 said:

    I hate that I've asked it.  I hate that I have to.  I hate that I'm not going to be able to have a single picture of me with my mother or my MOH if they choose to smoke.  I hate that I can't sit near them and I hate that I won't be able to get ready with them.  But I now feel like my only option is to exclude them.  Thanks for the input ladies.  I really appreciate it. 

    Unless your MOH and your mom just took up smoking, I call BS on this. Do you normally vomit after seeing, taking a photo with, or hugging your mother or your best friend? How do you handle life with these people? It makes no sense. I'll be honest, it kind of sounds like you're using your wedding to control their personal habits. If it really affects you this much, I'm sorry I said that, but I can't get away from the idea that that's how this comes off.
    My MOH took up smoking after I moved away but I did know she was a smoker when I asked her.  So I guess, this was my mistake.  I don't have to handle life with these people because I no longer live near them.  I'm not at all trying to control peoples habits. I'm not asking them to do anything but show up and be there with me.  I'm not dictating clothing, shoes, hair & makeup.  I'm not asking for them to help.  I'm buying everything they could need so that it's not a financial burden.  All I want is to be able to be with them without risking being sick. 
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    I'm slightly confused. In your OP you said you generally tolerate smoking but sometimes it makes you sick. If you generally tolerate it but it only sometimes makes you sick, I would be optimistic and hope that it won't make you sick. There's nothing you can do to control their smoking, so being optimistic and trying not to put too much thought into it might be your best bet.

    Honestly, you might be so busy and focused on other things that day you might not even notice the smell. 
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    emmyg65 said:
    I generally think that you shouldn't try to control other people's behavior, but do they know how sick tobacco smoke makes you? You can probably just let them know that.
    I completely agree with the fact that you shouldn't try to control the behavior of others and yes they both know.  My mom thinks "it's all in my head" and my MOH tries not to smoke when we are in closed spaces (like a car) but she will smoke and then be around me.  Which generally makes me sick but I deal with it because I only see her once a year. 
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    This is where I am confused.  I feel as if it is more rude to ignore them all day because they decided to smoke than to ask that they not do it. 

    I'm probably being over sensitive but it seems very rude of them as well.  They know how it effects me but getting their "fix" is more important than being with me on our wedding day. 

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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    clarke10 said:
    I'm slightly confused. In your OP you said you generally tolerate smoking but sometimes it makes you sick. If you generally tolerate it but it only sometimes makes you sick, I would be optimistic and hope that it won't make you sick. There's nothing you can do to control their smoking, so being optimistic and trying not to put too much thought into it might be your best bet.

    Honestly, you might be so busy and focused on other things that day you might not even notice the smell. 
    It's super annoying.  I never know the degree of how sick it's going to make me.  I love them both and so I deal with it and take the chance that I might spend the next day in bed.  Or not able to eat.  It makes no sense at all how it effects me.  I honestly wish I could find a way to fix it.  If there was medicine I could take to fix it I would be perfectly fine.  I just can't imagine spending $20,000 and over a year planning a party for our closest friends and family and then having to miss the whole thing. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    If smelling residual smoke on anyone affects you this much, it sounds like this has the potential for causing serious problems in your life. What if co-workers, your boss, someone on an airplane, someone on a crowded bus, someone walking on the sidewalk, your server in a restaurant, a cab driver, pretty much anyone smokes and they had a cigarette an hour ago so you're puking or out of commission for a day afterwards. 

    I think you should go see a doctor and/or an allergist to find out what the problem is. It's no way to go through life if you can't handle the slightest residual smell of smoke without getting ill. It's something you can't control, so you may as well focus on what you can control.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:
    If smelling residual smoke on anyone affects you this much, it sounds like this has the potential for causing serious problems in your life. What if co-workers, your boss, someone on an airplane, someone on a crowded bus, someone walking on the sidewalk, your server in a restaurant, a cab driver, pretty much anyone smokes and they had a cigarette an hour ago so you're puking or out of commission for a day afterwards. 

    I think you should go see a doctor and/or an allergist to find out what the problem is. It's no way to go through life if you can't handle the slightest residual smell of smoke without getting ill. It's something you can't control, so you may as well focus on what you can control.

    I agree it sucks.  Luckily, no one I'm around smokes.  None of my friends or co-workers smoke and I live in a city that is basically nonsmoking.  No smoking in bars or restaurants.  I probably should see a doctor but I haven't been to a doctor in over 10 years and have no intention of going anytime soon, but this is a whole separate topic.  It's not so bad that I can't even walk past someone who has smoked.  The only time I have to really deal with this issue is when I visit my hometown and I'm around it for extended periods of time. 

     


     

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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    You can't expect people in your life to cater to your sensitivity to smoking, especially if you refuse to go to the doctor. 

    Will you get sick being in the same room with them or just if you're up close?
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    You're all right.  Clearly it's less rude to say go ahead and smoke all you want just don't come near me.  I now realize that it's completely unreasonable to expect someone to not smoke just so that I can be with them and not be sick on my wedding day. 

    Thank you lovely ladies for judging me and helping me realize that my desire to not be sick on my one and only wedding day is just not a true problem.  I also won't expect them to shower or wear clothing.  She can even take the dress I bought and burn it if she wants because I definitely do not want her to do anything that might possibly be inconvenient. 

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  • ranzzoranzzo member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    BNJ810 said:

    You're all right.  Clearly it's less rude to say go ahead and smoke all you want just don't come near me.  I now realize that it's completely unreasonable to expect someone to not smoke just so that I can be with them and not be sick on my wedding day. 

    Thank you lovely ladies for judging me and helping me realize that my desire to not be sick on my one and only wedding day is just not a true problem.  I also won't expect them to shower or wear clothing.  She can even take the dress I bought and burn it if she wants because I definitely do not want her to do anything that might possibly be inconvenient. 

    You sound like a major drama queen.  And to be honest, I tend to think this is MUD.  PPs, including those who suffer illness from being around smoke, have commented that you are way out of line.  Take the hint. 
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    @BNJ810 take the drama down a notch.  No one here is judging you.   You asked if it was a bridezilla moment to make someone who is an addict stop being an addict for a day.  And yes, it is.

     Are you sure you'd even want to be around them if they did not smoke for that day?  An addict NEEDS their fix.  They'll start shaking if they don't, could become extremely irritable, get a massive migraine, all of which would put them out of commission.   It's a nasty habit, but just as you can't stop getting sick from the smell because 'it's not all in your head' they can't stop smoking because 'it's not all in their heads.;

    I agree with the addict issues which is why I bought them both electric cigarettes and committed to buying anything other nicotine related product to provide them with their needed "fix"

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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    Smoking e-cigarettes and chewing nicotine gum is not the same as smoking a cigarette. I used to be a smoker so I know this from experience. If they're having a serious craving, an e-cigarette is not going to cut it. 

    If you want your mom and MOH to be comfortable on your wedding day, you'll let it go. This issue is not worth the fight and hurt feelings. 
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    ranzzo said:
    BNJ810 said:

    You're all right.  Clearly it's less rude to say go ahead and smoke all you want just don't come near me.  I now realize that it's completely unreasonable to expect someone to not smoke just so that I can be with them and not be sick on my wedding day. 

    Thank you lovely ladies for judging me and helping me realize that my desire to not be sick on my one and only wedding day is just not a true problem.  I also won't expect them to shower or wear clothing.  She can even take the dress I bought and burn it if she wants because I definitely do not want her to do anything that might possibly be inconvenient. 

    You sound like a major drama queen.  And to be honest, I tend to think this is MUD.  PPs, including those who suffer illness from being around smoke, have commented that you are way out of line.  Take the hint. 
    In case you missed... I get it.  I took the "hint".  I will be the one to sacrifice on our wedding day so that no one else has to.  It's fine.  I deal with it any other time why should our wedding day be different.  If it makes me sick, it makes me sick.  There's a room with a couch I can hang out in until I go back to the hotel.  As long as no one but me has to be inconvenienced it's money well spent.  Right? 
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    BNJ810 said:
    ranzzo said:
    BNJ810 said:

    You're all right.  Clearly it's less rude to say go ahead and smoke all you want just don't come near me.  I now realize that it's completely unreasonable to expect someone to not smoke just so that I can be with them and not be sick on my wedding day. 

    Thank you lovely ladies for judging me and helping me realize that my desire to not be sick on my one and only wedding day is just not a true problem.  I also won't expect them to shower or wear clothing.  She can even take the dress I bought and burn it if she wants because I definitely do not want her to do anything that might possibly be inconvenient. 

    You sound like a major drama queen.  And to be honest, I tend to think this is MUD.  PPs, including those who suffer illness from being around smoke, have commented that you are way out of line.  Take the hint. 
    In case you missed... I get it.  I took the "hint".  I will be the one to sacrifice on our wedding day so that no one else has to.  It's fine.  I deal with it any other time why should our wedding day be different.  If it makes me sick, it makes me sick.  There's a room with a couch I can hang out in until I go back to the hotel.  As long as no one but me has to be inconvenienced it's money well spent.  Right? 
    Are you trying to get people to feel bad for you here? I think you're being a bit over-dramatic. 
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    clarke10 said:
    BNJ810 said:
    ranzzo said:
    BNJ810 said:

    You're all right.  Clearly it's less rude to say go ahead and smoke all you want just don't come near me.  I now realize that it's completely unreasonable to expect someone to not smoke just so that I can be with them and not be sick on my wedding day. 

    Thank you lovely ladies for judging me and helping me realize that my desire to not be sick on my one and only wedding day is just not a true problem.  I also won't expect them to shower or wear clothing.  She can even take the dress I bought and burn it if she wants because I definitely do not want her to do anything that might possibly be inconvenient. 

    You sound like a major drama queen.  And to be honest, I tend to think this is MUD.  PPs, including those who suffer illness from being around smoke, have commented that you are way out of line.  Take the hint. 
    In case you missed... I get it.  I took the "hint".  I will be the one to sacrifice on our wedding day so that no one else has to.  It's fine.  I deal with it any other time why should our wedding day be different.  If it makes me sick, it makes me sick.  There's a room with a couch I can hang out in until I go back to the hotel.  As long as no one but me has to be inconvenienced it's money well spent.  Right? 
    Are you trying to get people to feel bad for you here? I think you're being a bit over-dramatic. 
    No.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I get it.  I'm throwing a party and my job is to be a good hostess regardless of what I want.   It is what it is.  If I get sick I'll be sick.  As long as my guests are happy it's technically a success.  
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    zitiqueen said:
    Is that couch going to be big enough for the cross you're dragging around?
    Oh, I could only hope so.  

    I'm actually being serious.  I get it.  It's not MY day.  It's not even Our day.  So far I've planned this whole wedding around the guests.  From the location to the food and every other detail I could.  I feel bad about people spending money so we will be paying for anything the bridal party needs.  I'm not dictating anyone do/say/wear anything they don't want to.  I do not want to be a bridezilla.  Yes, for one second I wanted one thing to be the way I wanted.  

    I get it.  Asking someone to not smoke is rude.  At the same time though, I feel like it's rude to avoid someone because of it.  My solution was to ask them not to.  I'm not being melodramatic and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.  I'm serious when I say it is what it is.  There is nothing I can do if it happens.  

    Yes, I am stuck with my mom.  Yes, I did choose my MOH knowing she smokes.  

    I feel like many of you were so quick to judge me but that's what I asked for.  I've seen you attack other brides (not saying I'm being attacked) so I guess I knew what to expect.  
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its


    BNJ810 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    Is that couch going to be big enough for the cross you're dragging around?
    Oh, I could only hope so.  

    I'm actually being serious.  I get it.  It's not MY day.  It's not even Our day.  So far I've planned this whole wedding around the guests.  From the location to the food and every other detail I could.  I feel bad about people spending money so we will be paying for anything the bridal party needs.  I'm not dictating anyone do/say/wear anything they don't want to.  I do not want to be a bridezilla.  Yes, for one second I wanted one thing to be the way I wanted.  

    I get it.  Asking someone to not smoke is rude.  At the same time though, I feel like it's rude to avoid someone because of it.  My solution was to ask them not to.  I'm not being melodramatic and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.  I'm serious when I say it is what it is.  There is nothing I can do if it happens.  

    Yes, I am stuck with my mom.  Yes, I did choose my MOH knowing she smokes.  

    I feel like many of you were so quick to judge me but that's what I asked for.  I've seen you attack other brides (not saying I'm being attacked) so I guess I knew what to expect.  
     The moment we have waited for, expected, has finally arrived.  

    BNJ810 said, "  I deal with it any other time why should our wedding day be different."  This is exactly the point.  With the exception of the activity taking place, you shouldn't expect anything out of anyone's behavior or habits to change.
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  • BNJ810BNJ810 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Musikalizzie said:
    I actually get very ill with the smell of cigarettes. So yes, I have a general bias against smokers. But I agree with most of the peeps here. 

    The reality is that you have painted a picture out of a scene of Mad Men of you wedding and it is not accurate. These are 2 people we are talking about here not 90% of all your wedding guests. Unless there is a strict rule in your venue to prohibit smoking - yea, you can't really say much nor request them to abstain. 




    I really have no idea how many people will be smoking.  I only see maybe 50 out of 200 people on a regular basis and know they do not smoke.  I would never expect all my guests to not smoke.  That would be ridiculous.  I only wanted two people who I want around me all day to not smoke.  
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