Strip Clubs - Bachelor Party

Lavender123 · December 2013

So, can I ban my FI from strip clubs at his bachelor party, or do I just need to get over it? Personally, I think they're so wrong/humiliating etc. but I know I am in a minority on that (I have many friends girls and guys who think nothing of going on a normal Saturday night). My FI isn't into them at all, and I know he'd never suggest going to one himself BUT he is also a massive people-pleaser and if his friends planned it for him, I don't think he'd have the guts to refuse (especially with a few beers in him!) He does know vaguely how I feel but I don't know how much I can press it without being a crazy bitch... any thoughts????

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

So, can I ban my FI from strip clubs at his bachelor party, or do I just need to get over it? Personally, I think they're so wrong/humiliating etc. but I know I am in a minority on that (I have many friends girls and guys who think nothing of going on a normal Saturday night). My FI isn't into them at all, and I know he'd never suggest going to one himself BUT he is also a massive people-pleaser and if his friends planned it for him, I don't think he'd have the guts to refuse (especially with a few beers in him!) He does know vaguely how I feel but I don't know how much I can press it without being a crazy bitch... any thoughts????

1. No. He is a grown adult; you cannot "ban" him from anything.

2. If he doesn't have the backbone necessary to say "no" to something he doesn't like, that's on him. (Also, if this is an on-going issue, you have a FI problem).

3. Vaguely? He doesn't know FOR SURE your opinion on this and you want to ban him? If you can -- calmly and rationally -- explain to him why you don't like them, that's one thing. But you cannot expect him to read your mind.

hlvonb · December 2013

I agree with @HisGirlFriday13

You can not ban him from anything. He needs to tell his guys no strip clubs and if they can not respect that then they're not good friends. And you need to make sure he knows EXACTLY how you feel - not vaguely.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

No, you can't ban him, but you should make sure he knows how you feel. You should respect his right to make his own decisions, but he should also respect that you feel really strongly about it. This doesn't sound really important to Fi, just that he might cave into peer pressure, so it's not a big deal to just discuss it with him. He'll probably say he won't go.

And in the future, if you feel that strongly about something, don't be vague about it with him. Just tell him strip clubs freak you out, before it becomes an issue.

Lavender123 · December 2013

Ban may have been a poor word choice, sorry...

You're right - I will make sure he knows without a doubt how I feel. I have an internal tendency to head off into possessive girlfriend territory though and don't want to make a big deal out of something that i'm being totally irrational about. My friends would all think I shouldn't care (because they wouldn't) so just thought i'd get a second opinion.

It's not that he has no backbone, i'm sure it wouldn't be torture for him to go and he has before - I more meant he can take it or leave it and wouldn't suggest it himself but the only reason why he would actively not go is because I asked him not to.. and I don't know if that's an awkward situation to put him in with his friends. I think he has told them no but to be honest, some of them want the excuse to go so much - i'm sure it will come up. I just wasn't sure how much pressure I could or should put but voicing how upset it would make me.

KytchynWitche · December 2013

You absolutely can ask him not to go to a strip club. If his friends respect him, and he respects you, which is ideal seeing as you're getting married, then it will not be an issue.

Just make sure that you voice your concerns in a calm and rational manner, and remember that at the end of the day, it's up to him. You can't force him, but neither can his friends.

Lavender123 · December 2013

So here's a question, if I really emphasize this and make it clear how upset it makes me - am I being unfair? Is it realistic to ask that he never goes to a strip club? I mean, i'm not going to force him to miss other friends bachelor parties because of it... maybe i'm just asking that he doesn't do it at his bachelor but then that doesn't necessarily make sense, what has anyone else done about it? Or am I really the only one that cares at all?

hlvonb · December 2013

@Lavender123

It is not unfair to make it clear how you feel about it. It is not unfair to make it known you WISH he will not go to strip clubs but understand if he goes to a friend's bachelor party and they end up at one. I personally do not like them either and FI knows this. He also knows that I will not be mad if he does end up going to one. He could care either way (about going or not going) but its nice to know he does not have to worry about coming home to a pissed off FI / wife (after we're married) if he does end up at one for a friend's bachelor party or what not.

You could tell him you PREFER he does not go to one for his bachelor party but let him and his guys decide what they want to do.

vk2204 · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

So here's a question, if I really emphasize this and make it clear how upset it makes me - am I being unfair? Is it realistic to ask that he never goes to a strip club? I mean, i'm not going to force him to miss other friends bachelor parties because of it... maybe i'm just asking that he doesn't do it at his bachelor but then that doesn't necessarily make sense, what has anyone else done about it? Or am I really the only one that cares at all?

I don't think you are being unfair by telling him how you feel. I am not too keen on strip clubs either and thankfully my H isn't so it wasn't a big issue for us. He knew how I felt about it from the beginning - it wasn't something I just threw at him when we got engaged. I wouldn't stop him from going to a club for someone else's party, as long as there was no touching and that is what I have the biggest issue with.

H stood up in a wedding last year and the best man hired some girls to go to their house. They wanted to do a bridal party lap dance and he wouldn't do it because 1. he didn't want to and 2. he knew it would upset me. He told some other guy to take his place and he would not stop thanking H for the rest of the night

I think if you talk to him about how you feel, and not ban him or tell him he is forbidden to go then he should take your feelings into consideration, and tell him to talk to the best man about doing something else. Good luck.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

No, you can't ban him. And no, I do not think it's fair to tell him how you feel in a way that basically says you'll be pissed at him if he does this (which is how I see that convo going down).

I don't like strip clubs either - I think they're objectifying, gross and pathetic. I think it's weird that committed men want to pay women to take their clothes off and find entertainment in oogling other naked women. But that's my personal opinion. I don't think it's unfair to voice your opinion unrelated to his bachelor party, but you walk a fine line of indirectly telling him what to do since the reason you're voicing it is because you don't want him to go. KWIM? For example, if I spouted that off and then had said to DH "so what are going to do about your bachelor party. huh? HUH?!" I think it's a passive aggressive ultimatum that's completely unfair.

climbingsingle · December 2013

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

vk2204 · December 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

misssunshine17 · December 2013

H went to one and I wasn't a big fan, just since I think it's kind of icky. I told him whatever her spent on strippers, he needed to spend double on me

Well, everyone paid for him but I still got some some clothes out of it. I understand it might not be your preference, but just let it go, it's not worth causing an issue.

Maggie0829 · December 2013

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

But you have no control over what the strippers do. And they rub up on any guy that is willing to shell out some dough, not just bachelor party groups. You just have to trust your FI that the only touching that will happen is by the stripper (because that is their job) and not by him.

chibiyui · December 2013

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

Thats their job though. And its quite possible to go to a strip club and not have a lap dance. Your FI doesn't have to go through with any of that.

vk2204 · December 2013

chibiyui said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me
Thats their job though. And its quite possible to go to a strip club and not have a lap dance. Your FI doesn't have to go through with any of that.

Yes, I am aware that it is their job. Like I said it is the touching that I am not okay with and it is hard to avoid all that being a bachelor in a strip club. If her FI doesn't want to go then the person throwing the party should respect what he wants to do.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

vk2204 said:

chibiyui said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me
Thats their job though. And its quite possible to go to a strip club and not have a lap dance. Your FI doesn't have to go through with any of that.
Yes, I am aware that it is their job. Like I said it is the touching that I am not okay with and it is hard to avoid all that being a bachelor in a strip club. If her FI doesn't want to go then the person throwing the party should respect what he wants to do.

I'm concerned about this aspect-- if Fi really doesn't want to go, why are his friends potentially dragging him there anyway? Fi needs to stand up for himself.

Or is Fi just using his friends as scapegoats? Maybe Fi does like strip clubs, but he's just blaming his friends for taking him there.

But I stand by talking to OP's Fi about it, and I don't think it's passive aggressive. It would be passive aggressive to not talk to her Fi about it, and then get all mad if he went. Fi and I certainly don't need permission from each other to do things, but I also think strip clubs are something you should respect your partner's wishes about.

Belthil · December 2013

As HGF stated your FI is a grown man which means several things:

you can't ban him from going, he's not a child and you're not his mother. Banning him is going to feel resentful that you don't trust him
if he doesn't want to go to a strip club or have strippers at his bachelor party he needs to tell the people planning it

If you haven't mentioned how you feel directly I would bring it up once. Say something like "I understand that most bachelor parties involve strippers/strip-clubs but I just wanted to let you know I am uncomfortable with this being a part of your bachelor party because ......" And then let it be. If you've already mentioned it don't say it again.

What happens if your FI goes to someone else's bachelor party and strippers are involved? Are you expecting him leave right away or are you going to hold it over his head? You need to be able to trust your FI in these situations.

PolarBearFitz · December 2013

Sounds like your FI's friends are either crappy friends or your FI is using them as an excuse to go. I think you are within your boundaries to state it makes you uncomfortable for 'such and such reason' but tell him you respect and trust his decisions. It's a way for him to respect and listen to you and for you to respect and trust his choices. You are not always going to agree with each other or like the person's choices but communication and understanding are key.

My FI does not like strip clubs. He has been to one before and it was a horrible experience and he has no desire to go again. His friends have prompted/asked/suggested they go to a strip club for his bachelor party and his response is 'I don't want to do that so no.' It never waivers changes or becomes a different answer. His friends respect what he wants to do and not do.

Your FI must love you very much and I think one night at a strip club is not something to fret over.

s-aries8990 · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

So, can I ban my FI from strip clubs at his bachelor party, or do I just need to get over it?

Personally, I think you need to get over it. It's a bachelor party. Do you trust FI? I'm sure you do! You need to trust him to not be disrespectful to you or the girls (as in being a Pig while he's there).

Personally, I think they're so wrong/humiliating etc. but I know I am in a minority on that (I have many friends girls and guys who think nothing of going on a normal Saturday night).

You aren't alone on that sentiment. Especially about "thinking nothing of it" on a regular weekend.

My FI isn't into them at all, and I know he'd never suggest going to one himself BUT he is also a massive people-pleaser and if his friends planned it for him, I don't think he'd have the guts to refuse (especially with a few beers in him!)

Well, would he refuse because he doens't want to? Refuse out of respect for you? Or refuse to keep you happy? Honestly, if he'd refuse to go just to keep you from being mad, that is a problem. If it's something he kind of wants to do, you need to TRUST him. I don't think one night at a strip club is an enormous deal. Tell him what you're uncomfortable with (the touching bit) and he will probably understand.

He does know vaguely how I feel but I don't know how much I can press it without being a crazy bitch... any thoughts????

You need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel and why you feel that way. You need to be honest with him. If he understands how you feel, his actions will reflect his respect of you and your feelings (as in he either doesn't go or acts "mildly" while there) rather than to just stay out of the "dog house." Tell him what you just told us, but don't "ban" him. He's not a child, he's a grown adult. If you have to "ban" him from things, or THINK you need to ban him, you have bigger problems.

Cokezerofreak · December 2013

Funny story: When my brother got married they made plans to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. They get there, eat in the restaurant, but don't have the guts to go into the girl's dancing side. My dad was really disappointed!

Don't ban him. Explain how you feel and have trust in him and your relationship.

Cokezerofreak · December 2013

Funny story: When my brother got married they made plans to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. They get there, eat in the restaurant, but don't have the guts to go into the girl's dancing side. My dad was really disappointed!

Don't ban him. Explain how you feel and have trust in him and your relationship.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

Ook, so

1) no you can ban him. you can express how you feel

2) I assure you, the only reason those girls are talking/touching/dancing for your FI/his BM/friends is to bring home a pay check. I have never met a dancer who wanted to date/screw/whathaveyou with a man who walked into a club (tho plenty the other way around).

It is against the law for men to touch the girls FTR.

Lavender123 · December 2013

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

Yes this is what i'm worried about and why I more specifically don't want him to go for his bachelor party.. And although I know he wouldn't initiate something like that, I mean if a girl starts grinding on him unexpectedly - I feel like i'd be silly to think he'd push her off. It's hard to think about that, I don't want him to think about anyone but me in that way. That's probably unrealistic though.

There are currently no plans to go that he's aware of and he has told his best man no - but he doesn't care either way, so I think if he thought I was ok with it he just wouldn't have said anything and just gone along with whatever they planned. I think someone is going to suggest it in the spur of the moment anyway though (I love his friends but a couple of them are a bit gross, I still love those ones but i'd never let a friend date them - that kind of guy) and I was trying to figure out how to avoid that.. but I realize now that if I go down that path, i'm basically telling him what to do, which I can't, and that I just need to trust he's not a pig, which I do.

It's just hard because I think I see it as a way more intimate/sexual experience than it maybe is - makes me wonder if I should go to one, just to get over that... but then I also just kind of feel sad about the whole situation, of young girls stripping for pervy men who throw money at them.

As for the question about what if I got surprised with one on my bachelorette - well i've told my friends it grosses me out so hopefully they wouldn't but you're right to point it out, I wouldn't have a tantrum and refuse to go in (unless of course my FI and I had agreed mutually that we 100% wouldn't) so I can't pressure FI to do otherwise. I think it's just that I know I wouldn't see guys and think damnnn he's way hotter, I should trade up and I worry that might go through FIs head.. then again that could happen with a random girl on the street too and I realize that's stupid to think about!

Thank you everyone for listening and for your advice!!

NYCBruin · December 2013

smalfrie19 said:

Ook, so

1) no you can ban him. you can express how you feel

2) I assure you, the only reason those girls are talking/touching/dancing for your FI/his BM/friends is to bring home a pay check. I have never met a dancer who wanted to date/screw/whathaveyou with a man who walked into a club (tho plenty the other way around).

It is against the law for men to touch the girls FTR.

This.

NYCBruin · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

Yes this is what i'm worried about and why I more specifically don't want him to go for his bachelor party.. And although I know he wouldn't initiate something like that, I mean if a girl starts grinding on him unexpectedly - I feel like i'd be silly to think he'd push her off. It's hard to think about that, I don't want him to think about anyone but me in that way. That's probably unrealistic though.

There are currently no plans to go that he's aware of and he has told his best man no - but he doesn't care either way, so I think if he thought I was ok with it he just wouldn't have said anything and just gone along with whatever they planned. I think someone is going to suggest it in the spur of the moment anyway though (I love his friends but a couple of them are a bit gross, I still love those ones but i'd never let a friend date them - that kind of guy) and I was trying to figure out how to avoid that.. but I realize now that if I go down that path, i'm basically telling him what to do, which I can't, and that I just need to trust he's not a pig, which I do.

It's just hard because I think I see it as a way more intimate/sexual experience than it maybe is - makes me wonder if I should go to one, just to get over that... but then I also just kind of feel sad about the whole situation, of young girls stripping for pervy men who throw money at them.

As for the question about what if I got surprised with one on my bachelorette - well i've told my friends it grosses me out so hopefully they wouldn't but you're right to point it out, I wouldn't have a tantrum and refuse to go in (unless of course my FI and I had agreed mutually that we 100% wouldn't) so I can't pressure FI to do otherwise. I think it's just that I know I wouldn't see guys and think damnnn he's way hotter, I should trade up and I worry that might go through FIs head.. then again that could happen with a random girl on the street too and I realize that's stupid to think about!

Thank you everyone for listening and for your advice!!

Just throwing it out there, this is unlikely to happen. Every minute a stripper spends grinding up on a guy that doesn't want to pay for a lap dance is a minute of lap dance money lost. So unless he's paying up or a friend is buying him lap dances (which he could always "give away"), this isn't really a possibility. Sure, strippers will come by, but when no one is handing them cash, they move on pretty quickly.

It's all about the money. Trust me, the strippers have no interest in your FI (or any other patron).

smalfrie19 · December 2013

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me
Yes this is what i'm worried about and why I more specifically don't want him to go for his bachelor party.. And although I know he wouldn't initiate something like that, I mean if a girl starts grinding on him unexpectedly - I feel like i'd be silly to think he'd push her off. It's hard to think about that, I don't want him to think about anyone but me in that way. That's probably unrealistic though.

There are currently no plans to go that he's aware of and he has told his best man no - but he doesn't care either way, so I think if he thought I was ok with it he just wouldn't have said anything and just gone along with whatever they planned. I think someone is going to suggest it in the spur of the moment anyway though (I love his friends but a couple of them are a bit gross, I still love those ones but i'd never let a friend date them - that kind of guy) and I was trying to figure out how to avoid that.. but I realize now that if I go down that path, i'm basically telling him what to do, which I can't, and that I just need to trust he's not a pig, which I do.

It's just hard because I think I see it as a way more intimate/sexual experience than it maybe is - makes me wonder if I should go to one, just to get over that... but then I also just kind of feel sad about the whole situation, of young girls stripping for pervy men who throw money at them.

As for the question about what if I got surprised with one on my bachelorette - well i've told my friends it grosses me out so hopefully they wouldn't but you're right to point it out, I wouldn't have a tantrum and refuse to go in (unless of course my FI and I had agreed mutually that we 100% wouldn't) so I can't pressure FI to do otherwise. I think it's just that I know I wouldn't see guys and think damnnn he's way hotter, I should trade up and I worry that might go through FIs head.. then again that could happen with a random girl on the street too and I realize that's stupid to think about!

Thank you everyone for listening and for your advice!!

---stuck in a box---

bold number 1 - no..not sexual..its WORK to them..just like a waitress serving you at a restaurant..I ASSURE you...those girls aren't even thinking about sex when giving lap dances...they are thinking about their taxes..or going shopping...

bold number 2 - You act like these girls don't have a choice...they do...and a lot of them actually enjoy their jobs for the most part....I feel like you have no clue what the adult entertainment culture is like

bold number 3 -...woowww confidence issues there....might want to work on that...

climbingsingle · December 2013

It's definitely not an intimate experience. I think you should check one out with your FI. It's probably really different than what you're imagining.

Those girls are all getting paid and making $$$$.

PolarBearFitz · December 2013

Lavender123 have you ever been to a strip club?

smalfrie19 · December 2013

aefitz29 said:

Lavender123 have you ever been to a strip club?

I second this....I am really curious..and have you ever sat down and talked to someone who is/was a dancer? they are not all trollops and man stealing hussy's nor are the "poor young girls"...please take my word for this...

Lavender123 · December 2013

No i've never been... i'm not thinking it's intimate for the girls, I know they're not interested at all, but the guys - as in do they sit there while getting a lapdance thinking this is hilarious but slightly uncomfortable (that'd be ok I suppose) or are they sitting there thinking, dang this chick is hot, I would bang her if I could - I think i'll imagine this again later when i'm alone (this would upset me).

My FI has assured me that he has no interest in getting a lapdance and would refuse it if somehow they did end up at a stripclub (and that he'd rather not be there anyway) - so for now I just need to trust that this is the case but also I think everyone has shown me that even if it weren't the case in the end, it's not the end of the world.. so thank you very much for talking me down before I potentially caused an argument!

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