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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Still "tradition" for the bride's family to pay?
Even before we got engaged, my fiance and I had discussed one day paying for our own wedding with whatever help our families could manage. Then, last night, his family freaked out because they found out that my parents were not paying for the entire thing. They don't feel that they should have to contribute, and they also don't see why my fiance should spend any of his money on the wedding either. This is "the bride's family's event". They say he should basically get his tux and show up. To make it all worse, he even put me on the phone with his step-mom to have her explain this all to me herself. And when I explained that my parents had paid for their own wedding 30 years ago and that I was not raised to expect tens of thousands of dollars from them for my wedding, she said "well didn't your parents plan for this when they had a daughter? What were they thinking?
I am so outraged! First of all, I don't think it is his family's business. Second of all, it's very presumptuous to assume my parents should pay. That's not how I was raised, and it's not how any of my married friends planned their wedding. To make it all worse, his side is nearly much larger than mine because it seems like his divorced parents are playing the "I have to have more people than my ex" game.
Am I right to be seriously angry at his family (and at him for not standing up for me)? Does anyone really believe it is the sole responsibility of the bride's family anymore??
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Re: Still "tradition" for the bride's family to pay?
I agree with bakerie. OP is owed an apology.
That being said, it should never be expected by one side and even if it were expected due to regional norm, they should never have voiced it to you openly. They all owe you an apology.
My parents did pay for a huge chunk of my wedding, but I never expected or asked for it. They insisted and I graciously accepted. We were prepared to pay for our own wedding.
You definitely need to have a chat with your FI about backing you up. He should have never given you the phone, but the flip side of that coin is you should have never taken it. If I were you, I'd be wary of taking any money from them as it will likely come with a lot of demands. Let her know that who pays for your wedding is none of her business, especially if it isn't her. If she brings it up again, change the subject. Leave the room if you have to, but do not engage her.
The purpose of the wedding is to celebrate a union between two families. And, the bride and groom has the responsibility for paying for their wedding. Since you and your FI are paying, you will have full control. I would stop sharing your plans with his family. They will only need to know the date, and when to show up.
Your finances are none of their concern. You don't ask them who pays the mortgage bill. Or, how much is on their credit card? They shouldn't inquire about the cost of you and your FI's wedding.
Nobody on either side has questioned the contributions of anyone else, and that's how it should be.
People can give what they are willing and able to give and ultimately it's the couple that decides what to accept.
For his family to do that is immature, rude, and just downright strange (because traditionally his side would be covered quite a bit as well).
As it has been said before, your fiance needs to stand up for you. If he can't stand up for you, you will have much bigger problems down the road. Your fiance also needs to have a nice long talk with anyone on his side of the family who feels that way.