Expressing Doubts? (Long!!!)
VTBride51014
member
My best friend and I have been friends 'since the sandbox' and are now going to be MOHs in each other's weddings. You all know the girl who dreamed of her PPD since she was little, dressed up in her mom's old dress, etc-that was my friend. So I'm very proud she asked me to stand with her on the real special day and I'd never want to stand in the way of her being happy, but I have doubts about her fiancé and his affect on her actions and emotions.
To be fair, since she and I live a few hours apart, I haven't been able to get to know him as well as I'd like in the last year and a half they've been together and so I could be judging him too soon/too harshly etc. (one of the reason I'm posting on here). Still, my doubts began one of the first nights I did spend time with him. At that point, she'd already been dating him for about four months and living together (they started dating almost immediately and her moved in with her and her two year old son after about three months). My friend and I had been talking about having a 'girls night' since I was in the area and meeting at a local bar with a dance area. Well, she arrived with him and asked me where my fiancé was. I said I thought it was 'girls night' and she said, 'oh, we don't do those kinds of things anymore, we just prefer to always be together.' OK...
Fast forward a few hours, she and I are on the dance floor for a moment while her fiancé and some of our other friends hang out at the bar. When we got back, he said he'd seen us talking to other guys on the dance floor, who was she talking to and why, why was she disrespecting him, why was she flirting so much, what's going on? I was baffled as to why he wouldn't just have said 'ok' and moved on when both she and I said, it was just a moment of friendly conversation. But he did not move on. Instead, he went and sat by himself across the bar and glared and pouted for almost the rest of the evening and my friend spent most of the evening asking other friends to go talk to him, explaining her side, trying to talk to him, etc.
About three months later, she called to say they were looking at rings. I said that things must really be going well then since they'd only been together 7/8 months, but I was happy for her and told myself that her fiancés actions one night at a bar weren't enough to dislike him. She then said that it actually wasn't going so well, but they were trying to pull through. Not going well but looking into getting engaged? I was confused. She said it hadn't been going well because she'd found out he'd been cheating on her (the entire time they'd been together!!) with a girl they both knew, and he broke it off when she found out about the cheating. She also said they had a huge fight about it, but then she decided she loved him and wanted to work through it (we're talking forgave him the next day). On his end, he just said it was a mistake, she had been not paying enough attention to him (she does have a two-year old, a full-time job, and a sick mother too), it wouldn't happen again and she needed to stop 'bugging him.' She was not able to stop 'bugging him' and was getting on his nerves by constantly asking about who he was texting, where he was going, etc. I asked again how this led to rings. Apparently, he said he wanted to show her that he was sorry and there was no one else for him and she was the one for always. About two or three months later, they got engaged.
On the night of their engagement party, we'd all gone out to another bar/club and she got in a fight with him when one of his friends said for her to go home because her fiancé was with his other friends and talking to some ladies. Why was he talking to those girls? Were they flirting-what was going on. It was an uncomfortable dejavu role reversal. As with before, they both got over it, but not until almost the end of the evening. I actually felt a bit bad for him (he wasn't doing anything wrong), until a few weeks later when they'd all been out again and apparently he'd said some inappropriate things and inappropriately tried to touch two of her friends. The friends were totally disgusted, and told her they didn't want to hang out with him anymore if he was going to act like that. He said he'd been too wasted and didn't remember that or hardly anything else from the night. She in turn said she forgave him, how could she be mad when he couldn't remember, and said she now questions her friendship with those two and has told them they might not be able to be bridesmaids anymore if they don't try to work it out with her fiancé because 'she doesn't want drama.'
Most recently, they argued via text and phone calls when we went wedding dress shopping for her (because she was taking too long to answer his texts), and argued again when he was out of town and she and I went to another girlfriends house to have a girls movie night. This time, when she didn't return his calls/texts within about ten minutes, he accused her of talking to someone else, not really caring about or missing him, not paying enough attention to him, etc. Like every other time, they spent hours arguing, but eventually made up.
Maybe I need to give him more of a chance, but every time they argue, she gets so upset and it hurts me too. She is constantly worried about things she can and can't do (ex. asking if she can bring her fiancé to my all-girl bachelorette since they don't like to go to bars/clubs without each other, accidentally slipping and telling me that some of the girls want a stripper at my bachelorette, but she told them no since he isn't comfortable with it and she's the one in charge of the planning) and every time he goes out, she wants to be there too-even if she doesn't feel like going out, and even one time when he son was sick and she wanted to stay in with him, but got a sitter so she could go out with her fiancé to 'make sure none of his friends were being bad influences on him.' She's got a child and she has had a lot of heartache with guys in her past, so I really want for her to be happy, get married, have a great wedding, and all that-but I am worried a life for her with this guy may be a lot more of this crap for years to come. As her best friend, I feel like I should try again to broach this subject with her (last time she just said I needed to get to know him better), but I am worried that if I go too hard on him, she will not only kick me out as her MOH, but maybe question her friendship with me as she has done with the other girls who expressed their feelings on her fiancé. I know they'll set a date soon and my time will be limited if I don't 'speak now or forever hold my peace...'
Re: Expressing Doubts? (Long!!!)
I would probably try to have one more conversation with her. Ask her open ended questions, like "Do you trust your FI?" and "Are you happy?" Depending on her answers to those questions. I would attempt to point out that trust is very important aspect to have in a marriage. And just from the girls movie night and the first night you met him, you both don't seem to trust each other. See what she says then - if she acknowledges the trust issues tell her that pre-marital counseling could be a great way to work on trust. If she says that she is happy, tell her that you love her and are happy that she is happy. If you can keep the end of the conversation positive, I don't think she would consider kicking you out of WP.
Whatever you do, this relationship won't last like this. You need to be able to be around to help your friend out of it. It is very rare for any relationship that starts with moving in together so soon to last (not to say it doesn't).
Regarding another mans presence in her life, the sons father is in jail for another 5-10 years (he's not a bad guy, just got caught up in some bad stuff mainly fueled by drug dependence). She and he had dated for about 5 years before the drugs and bad stuff and jail. So, her fiancé has told her her doesn't want her visiting the dad in jail-ever, but every now and then the son goes with his fathers parents. Her fiancé also hates when she shows too much emotion with the fathers parents and always tells her how weird he finds it that she still maintains a relationship with 'these people.'
I worry for her child too...
For example, when she came over a few weekends ago, we were just having a nice night in with some wine and movies. He got pissed because she hadn't been able to immediately answer his texts, but he could see we had gone on Facebook. This got her talking to me and finally asking me about different things in their relationship saying 'do you think this is a red flag?' I said if she was asking me, then does she think it's a red flag? She said yes. However, they still made up later.
We had a similar conversation when she told me how they were having money issues and he had to take back her engagement ring before the credit got hit. She said they'd also push back wedding till spring of 2015 because (her words) they had a lot to fix if they are going to get married. While I was sad to hear about her money troubles (she lost her job too which especially breaks my heart because of her child), I was glad to hear about the pushed back wedding. Yet, she told me she wants to go dress shopping in next few weeks. The wedding is now almost 17 months away and it seems that if she's complaining that she can't afford anything, (maybe I'm being insensitive?) couldn't this be put off till she and her child are financially stable? I really feel like I'm trying, but no idea if it's making any difference.
Just can't wait til July 11th, 2015!
The best you can do is provide her with a pair of ears and a shoulder to cry on when she needs it while the relationship is going on, and to be helpful to her should it ever end without saying "I told you so."
It can be very painful to see people you are close to end up in bad relationships and make you feel helpless when they are clearly sinking but don't want to be saved or are in denial about how bad things really are, but unfortunately, your friend is an adult, and sometimes all you can do with an adult is wait for them to wake up and smell the Java.