Attire & Accessories Forum

Bridesmaid in pants.

Hi!  I am one half of a same-sex couple getting married 12/13/14. We are having a winter wedding and are planning on our bridesmaids wearing long dresses in different shades of blue... my concern is that one of the girls whom i am thinking about having in my wedding will not (and i would never ask her to) wear a dress... anybody have any experience with butch bridesmaids or been to a wedding with not all feminine bms? My partner wants to be the only female wearing a vest and while we are two women- we really want to not accentuate the fact that this is a "gay wedding" by wearing suits and ties(although no offense to those who did- consider it our own homophobia)

Any suggestions on what my bm can wear without throwing off the whole look of my girls in wintery elegance... i'm considering not having her for this reason.. and i know that makes me selfish and a horrible person... this is a battle...
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Re: Bridesmaid in pants.

  • Isn't a nice pantsuit an option?
  • Well just because one of your BMs may be wearing a pants suit does not in any way emphasize the fact that two women are getting married. That is actually a ridiculous thing to even think.

    And not having one of your nearest and dearest be a part of your wedding because as you say she is a "butch" and won't wear a dress is horrible.  There are plenty of gorgeous and pants suits (for women) out there that she could wear and be comfortable in without accentuating the fact that you are having a "gay wedding."

    Ask your friend to be in the wedding because your reason not to is petty.  And then speak to her about what she would be comfortable wearing and work together on a good compromise.



  • Hi!  I am one half of a same-sex couple getting married 12/13/14. We are having a winter wedding and are planning on our bridesmaids wearing long dresses in different shades of blue... my concern is that one of the girls whom i am thinking about having in my wedding will not (and i would never ask her to) wear a dress... anybody have any experience with butch bridesmaids or been to a wedding with not all feminine bms? My partner wants to be the only female wearing a vest and while we are two women- we really want to not accentuate the fact that this is a "gay wedding" by wearing suits and ties(although no offense to those who did- consider it our own homophobia)

    Any suggestions on what my bm can wear without throwing off the whole look of my girls in wintery elegance... i'm considering not having her for this reason.. and i know that makes me selfish and a horrible person... this is a battle...
    Please don't say you'd rather have "wintery elegance" than your good friend standing up for you on your wedding day. Come on now.... Lots of people have men and women standing up on both sides, women in dresses or pants... really it doesn't matter. Like at all.

    She can wear anything. What about navy pants with a light blue top similar to the fabric of the BM dresses? When you ask her to be your BM and if she says yes, ask what she prefers. 
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  • I find so much about this post horribly ironic. 
  • I find so much about this post horribly ironic. 
    I'm right there with you. 


    Well just because one of your BMs may be wearing a pants suit does not in any way emphasize the fact that two women are getting married. That is actually a ridiculous thing to even think.

    And not having one of your nearest and dearest be a part of your wedding because as you say she is a "butch" and won't wear a dress is horrible.  There are plenty of gorgeous and pants suits (for women) out there that she could wear and be comfortable in without accentuating the fact that you are having a "gay wedding."

    Ask your friend to be in the wedding because your reason not to is petty.  And then speak to her about what she would be comfortable wearing and work together on a good compromise.


    And ditto all of the above advice. 
  • Hi!  I am one half of a same-sex couple getting married 12/13/14. We are having a winter wedding and are planning on our bridesmaids wearing long dresses in different shades of blue... my concern is that one of the girls whom i am thinking about having in my wedding will not (and i would never ask her to) wear a dress... anybody have any experience with butch bridesmaids or been to a wedding with not all feminine bms? My partner wants to be the only female wearing a vest and while we are two women- we really want to not accentuate the fact that this is a "gay wedding" by wearing suits and ties(although no offense to those who did- consider it our own homophobia)

    Any suggestions on what my bm can wear without throwing off the whole look of my girls in wintery elegance... i'm considering not having her for this reason.. and i know that makes me selfish and a horrible person... this is a battle...
    I'm glad that you realize how selfish and horrible you are being.

    Let your friend wear a pantsuit, which by the way, can be seen as "wintery elegance". Better yet, ask your friend to wear a dress so that you have pretty pictures, and then she can drop you as a friend.
    Anniversary
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  • If she would be okay wearing a nice pant suit or even pants & blouse in the same colors as the other BM, then your partner would still get her request of being the only one is a vest. If that is still too "girlie" for your friend, have your partner consider that they would could wear one color outfit with vest while the BM wears a vest & pants that are more in line with the color of the BM so they would still be different. If that won't work, then I think you have to pass on asking them to be a BM. I had a friend that I knew wouldn't be comfortable in a dress or in front of the crowds so out of respect for her, I didn't ask her to be a BM even though she is close friend. She was a guest & we had a great time at the wedding.
  • Why not ask her, still ? You're assuming she will refuse, but you didn't ask her. The *worst* that can happen is she will tell you she doesn't want to wear a dress indeed , but what if she agrees ? Just have a talk with her, and decide together what you would both be comfortable with (ex.: wearing a suit that's the same color as your other BMs dresses).  


  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    Here's a start: http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/06/butch-wedding-style/


    What does she normally wear when she dresses up? You have lots of options. I think slacks, a button up shirt or blouse, and suspenders (with or without a bowtie) would be mighty dapper (and vest-less!) but I don't know her style.

    OPs have already pointed out how crummy it would be to skip over her because you can't choose an outfit, so I won't pile on.
  • A relative of mine was a MOH at a wedding a year or two ago and she wouldn't be caught dead in a dress.  She wore a sort of suit, with a vest and tie but no jacket.  
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  • This is a battle because you are making it a battle, and treating people like props.  If someone is important enough to you to be a part of your bridal party, they should be important enough for you to consider their comfort above your "vision." Having a same-sex wedding doesn't get you a pass to be rude to your friends. No amount of attire is going to hide or downplay that you're two women getting married (nor should it).  

    The fact that you consider not liking suits and ties to be your "own homophobia" is alarming. Not liking suits and ties is really not a problem.  Hatred toward or fear of another human being because of their sexual orientation is a huge problem.  I agree with pp- you really should take a good look at your own homophobia. 

    I assume you have friends coming to your wedding as guests- are you going to tell them that they can't wear whatever it is that they normally wear when they dress up as well? What are you going to do if you do not ask this friend to be a BM, and she chooses to wear a suit and vest to your wedding because maybe that is what she wears when she has to dress up? Point being- you can't control it all, and you should never expect your guests, especially those in the wedding party, to be uncomfortable for your sake.  That's being a horrible host and a crappy friend.
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  • Erikan73 said:
    If she would be okay wearing a nice pant suit or even pants & blouse in the same colors as the other BM, then your partner would still get her request of being the only one is a vest. If that is still too "girlie" for your friend, have your partner consider that they would could wear one color outfit with vest while the BM wears a vest & pants that are more in line with the color of the BM so they would still be different. If that won't work, then I think you have to pass on asking them to be a BM. I had a friend that I knew wouldn't be comfortable in a dress or in front of the crowds so out of respect for her, I didn't ask her to be a BM even though she is close friend. She was a guest & we had a great time at the wedding.
    I appreciate your response.. it was the sole response that held no judgement and was helpful. Thank you very much. @erikan73
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  • doeydo said:
    A relative of mine was a MOH at a wedding a year or two ago and she wouldn't be caught dead in a dress.  She wore a sort of suit, with a vest and tie but no jacket.  
    Thanks @doeydo!
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