I need help! Serious Bridemaid dilemma!

bdraheim39 · December 2013

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged, and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but can I talk to her about it? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

krizzo17 · December 2013

Suck it up. You get one day. All that is required of her to be a bridesmaid is to buy the dress, show up wearing it, and be sober. Likewise, that's all you owe her as a bridesmaid. Clearly she's ok with you being a bridesmaid a month before you wedding, so you shouldn't worry about her being one a month after that.

thelastdreamer · December 2013

Oh for goodness sake. Did it ever occur to you that maybe her and her FI have their own reasons for wanting to get married soon that have nothing to do to you? Let her enjoy her day just like she will let you enjoy yours. Nobody gets to call dibs on all of the months leading up to their wedding.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

this is not a dilemma...this isn't even a problem...its not even a bump..you get one day and she gets one day..your FIANCE is there to help you plan..not your BM's..all she is required to do is buy the dress (as long as its within her budget) and show up sober and smile in pictures...as the same is for you for her wedding....there is no stolen thunder etc..GET OVER YOURSELF!

climbingsingle · December 2013

Wow.

Slow your roll, bridezilla.

First off, your bridesmaids are not required to help you plan.

Second, you get one day, not months. So what if she's getting married before you? Big freaking deal! All the focus goes to her - are you kidding me? Are you really that much of an AW?

You're being selfish and immature. Grow up.

ETA: If you were a good friend to this girl, you'd be happy that she's getting married, not mad she's planning to get married before you.

cruffino · December 2013

Even if she wasn't getting married

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got
engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since
March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to
me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there
for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged,
and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married
as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid,
but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the
focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or
not, but can I talk to her about it? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to
be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as
she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a
place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

even if she wasn't getting married, you're mistaken in thinking that other people's focus is on you and your wedding. No one cares nearly as remotely as you do. Have fun, be happy for her, and plan together.

cruffino · December 2013

Sorry, mobile won't let me edit!

clarke10 · December 2013

What were you going to do, ask her to change her wedding date? You sound like a fantastic friend.

She doesn't have to do anything but show up for your wedding, which I'm assuming her own wedding won't prevent her from doing. Unless she scheduled her wedding the same day as yours, you don't have a problem.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged, and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but can I talk to her about it? And say what? "I want to be the center of attention for several months, so sorry but you can't get married in May - it's going to divert to much attention away from me." Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

You need to suck it up. It sounds like you're already second guessing the resentful feelings you're having - that's a good sign! It means you're not really a bridezilla deep down. But you do need to get this bridezilla who's bubbling up in check. She's making you sound super bitchy and it's obvious that's not who you want to be.

Look - you need to start viewing this as an opportunity. Not many people get to bounce ideas off their best friend while they're going through the same big time in their lives. Consider yourself lucky and don't view this as some spotlight, competitive thing! The more happy you are for her, the more happy she'll be for you. If you start acting like she shouldn't have picked that day or make comments about stealing your thunder you're going to sound like a bitchy bride and selfish AW who's all tripped out over "MY DAY!!!" versus your relationship with this girl. It'll cause issues in your friendship that are totally unnecessary.

arrippa · December 2013

I hate to tell you but if you told her she needs to move her date, then you would be a total bridezilla. You only get one day (not month!). Look on the bright side, you guys can plan your weddings together. I wish I had a friend getting married around the same time as mine. I think it would be fun to bounce ideas off each other.

Everyone has reasons for why they book their weddings when they do. You might not know her reasons, but it doesn't make them less valid than yours.

Maggie0829 · December 2013

Please let this be a joke because if OP you are a real person then you suck huge balls.

BMs are not required to help you plan your wedding. They ARE allowed to go on with their normal lives meaning that they can move, get engaged, get pregnant, get married any time they want, even during your wedding planning.

And yes you sound extremely selfish. You should be happy for your friend and not worried about how all the attention won't be on you anymore.

Edit because my iPad keyboard is dumb.

tmclawchick · December 2013

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got engaged in January. Congrats! My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there for me for my day.Sorry. The general rule is that bridesmaids are not obligated to help you plan your wedding. It is your wedding, after all. They agree to support you by standing the day of the wedding, in a dress. They are not obligated to fawn over your floral choices, help you decide catering options, or help put together favors.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged Hooray!, and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married as early as May! So? We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the focus gets turned to her instead of me. Um.... what? I don't know if I am being selfish or not (you are), but can I talk to her about it? What would you even say? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as she can? Not really...why should this concern you? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla (you are), but do I have a place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

So, my short answer is yes, you need to suck this up. My expanded answer is wow, you should focus more on being supportive of her than being so negative about it. She's presumably a close friend since she's a bridesmaid in your wedding, so shouldn't this be an exciting time for you both? Why does it have to be all about you? If you choose to have this conversation with her, what would you even say/expect to get out of it, except hurt feelings? This is not a hill I'd die on. Smile, congratulate her and enjoy your weddings.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

You need to suck it up. One of my best friends is getting married two weeks after me and we have had so much fun doing the wedding stuff together. We just spent the day with our moms and a few others bridemaids, and my other best friend dress shopping together (I didn't expect them to go with us btw they wanted to). We turned into a girls (and one guy) day. This could be an opportunity for you and this girl to become even closer.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged, and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but can I talk to her about it? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

1. Nope. Their sole responsibility is to buy the right dress (which will be within the price range you discussed with each of them privately), show up on time, and smile for photos. The responsibility to help plan lies with you and your FI -- no one else.

2. Yes, it does. For her one day. Just as the attention will be on you for your ONE DAY. Everyone gets one day. Just one. Not more than one. And certainly not every day between the engagement and the wedding.

3. Not without sounding crazypants, no, you cannot.

4. Yes.

AddieCake · December 2013

Yeah, a dilemma is when you have a problem and no solutions are good solutions. This isn't even in the same neighborhood as a dilemma.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Someone please tell me this is a joke or a troll. I can't even with this.

Fran1985 · December 2013

My eyes are stuck in the back of my head after the eye roll I just did.

hikebikebemerry · December 2013

Like PPs said, she gets one day, you get one day. Have you considered that your just jealous that she is "beating" you to getting married? Just because you are waiting over a year to tie the knot does not mean that it is the right timeline for everyone.

Also, you might want to mention that you expect things out of your bridesmaids... I'd be pissed if the "honor" being bestowed upon me was just a nice way of saying "bridal bitch".

To sum up.. Pipe the f*ck down.

hlvonb · December 2013

Oh my.....

Talk about a spoiled person (or one who wants to be). Unless your bridesmaid who just got engaged is your sister - don't worry about the attention. There will still be the same amount of attention given to you as there would have been if she was not engaged.

You get 1 (ONE) (UNO) day and only one. Same goes for her and oh no, God forbid she be excited about her wedding.

You are not only acting like a bridezilla but a childish one at that.

The only "job" your bridesmaids have is to show up on the wedding day with their dress.

This is NOT a serious problem or a problem at all.

The only way this would be a problem is if she chose the same day as you. She can get married when she wants. You have no say over that.

artbyallie · December 2013

It's a good thing people have quoted because I fully expect a DD any minute now.

artbyallie · December 2013

And/or accusations that we're all mean bitches who are judging her and she feels sorry for our husbands and why are we old hags still on TK anyway.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

I just rolled my eyes so hard I think I saw my brain.

IMathlete · December 2013

I got engaged in October, and our wedding is planned for the end of May. My best friend's boyfriend just bought a ring, and they have talked about June. I am over the moon. She is also going to be my maid of honor, and I will be a bridesmaid for her wedding, which could conceivably be as soon as a week after mine. We are both excited to go through this process together, and I would never imagine asking her to delay the beginning of her marriage so I could get more attention, nor vice versa. This woman is your friend; please treat her with the love, respect, and excitement a friend deserves.

melbelleup · December 2013

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged, and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but can I talk to her about it? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

1st- Because they said yes, only means they will buy the dress you pick in their budget and show up for the wedding on time in that dress and mostly sober.

2nd- My BM got engaged well after my FI and I had our date, as did my brother (his FI and him are both also in my wedding). Mine is June 28th. My BM is getting married May 5th. My brother is getting married July 19th. We all get one day to have everyone ooo and ahh over us. That's it. Just a day.

3rd- You don't have to accept being a BM if you don't think you have the time or the finances in order to be one. Once again, all saying yes agrees to is buying the dress in your budget that she picks and showing up on time sober. If my BM who is having her wedding in May asked me to be in it (she didn't, all is fine, idc) I would decline. The reason is, I live 8 hours away and money. Although I'd love to be a BM at her wedding, I cannot with my shower being the week after her wedding. Heck, I had that date planned before she picked her wedding date too. I can't make sense of traveling 32 hours within a week just to go to her wedding, as much as I would like to. That being said, my brother's wedding is 3 weeks after mine, I am a BM in it and also went dress shopping with all the BMs. I won't be able to make her shower either as it is the week after my shower. Once again, traveling 32 hours in a week doesn't sound like fun. I had my date once again picked before she did. She told me I don't have to attend her shower straight up when she told me the date of it.

4th- You cannot discuss this with her. It makes no sense and you're being a bridezilla. Once again, you only get one day to celebrate your wedding. That's it. Every other day is fair game.

thejucheidea · December 2013

what is this i can't even

PolarBearFitz · December 2013

Since everyone has pretty much said everything in their PPs, I would just like to add that your discussion title should say:

'I need help with my selfishness! Serious self-centered AW dilemma!'

climbingsingle · December 2013

I'd just like to add - my cousin got engaged about two weeks after me. My brother is getting engaged at the end of this month. I'm truly, genuinely happy for them. If either of them get married before me, I wouldn't give two shits. It doesn't take away anything from my wedding.

JustNicki · December 2013

bdraheim39 said:

I have been with my fiancé for over 4.5 years and got
engaged in January. My wedding is in June, and we've had the date set since
March, and my bridesmaids have known since April. They all accepted, which, to
me, also means they accept the responsibility of helping plan and being there
for me for my day.

As of a few days ago, one of my bridesmaids got engaged,
and while I'm very happy for her, it poses a problem. She wants to get married
as early as May! We have already talked and she asked me to be a bridesmaid,
but I am at a crossroad. If she gets married in May, then that means all the
focus gets turned to her instead of me. I don't know if I am being selfish or
not, but can I talk to her about it? Is it a genuine concern that she agreed to
be there for me, and now she's more concerned with getting married as quick as
she can? I don't want to come off as selfish or a Bridezilla, but do I have a
place in her how I feel? Or do I need to just suck it up?

I stopped reading after the statement in bold. You need to reevaluate what you think being a bridesmaid is all about. Despite the word being in the title, they are not, in fact, your maids.

ei34 · December 2013

You and your BM each get one day to be the bride, and as BM's for each other, you'll each have to give one day to fulfill that duty. Your weddings are one month apart, how would there be conflict? You plan your wedding and she will plan hers, neither of you has to help the other.

On a personal note, hubby and I were engaged for just under six months, as your friend will be. It wasn't to try to beat anyone else to the altar, it was just the date that worked for us.

NavyBlue143 · December 2013

My SIL got engaged after we did and got married two weeks before we did. His family still had enough energy to be excited for both. People are capable of looking forward to more than one event. And do you seriously expect to be the focus of everyone's lives during your whole engagement? Life goes on for everybody else. They have other things to think about day to day.

Also, it's the job of those getting wed to plan the event. Perhaps the parents if they are helping to host. But not your bridal party. Your FI should be your support and co planner. Or hire a wedding planner. Your wedding is not a charity event that requires volunteers.

Belthil · December 2013

No one is going to be as excited or focused on your wedding as you. This is the reality of life.

If you want to talk to her say "Congrats friend!! I'm very excited for you!" If you want to say anything about how her date may affect you/your wedding this is what you do:

1. Write down exactly what you want to say word-for-word.

2.Read it back pretending its her telling you that.

It probably won't feel good and you'll think it sounds extremely selfish.

But now you get to revel in the fact that you have someone that will probably be very excited to talk weddings with you because everyone else will get sick of wedding talk quickly.

I need help! Serious Bridemaid dilemma!

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