Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

Dignity100 · December 2013

@cu97tiger - I have to agree; I think that in this day and age every girl should know and be able to support herself (financially and mentally). That's just my personal opinion! My Ex went from his parents house - to dorm life - to my apartment - in my mind it caused a ton of issues with him not being financially responsible for his agreed on portion of the bills or his portion of the chores because he didn't 'get it' - it was still my job to manage the household; frustrating but that's a different story.

bethsmiles · December 2013

If you are planning to be engaged for at least 2 more years why don't you just wait to buy the ring? Surely you could save up and be able to afford when you are actually planning to get married.

IMO, you should just forget about marriage for right now. Focus on school and then starting a career, let yourself just be 18 for awhile.

Emmy1493 · December 2013

I promise- the ring really is not the most important aspect of being engaged. I am sure you are well aware of that, or hope so.

When we went to look at rings several months prior, I was looking at a Halo Setting. The ring he picked out for me is a Princess Cut/Setting. Totally not what I had even thought of, but ya know what? I LOVE it! It reflects his taste and is special because he took the time to pick it out. Plus, it looks much better on my short sausage fingers.

OP, I wouldn't sweat this at all. It's really not something to go into debt for. If you can, establish a budget and find something in that range. If your so set on that one in particular, save up for it.

FoxandBunny · December 2013

I'm very young too. I'm 20, and have been with my BF for over 4 years. I will say that I want to marry him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

However, there are so many personality changes that occur during the years of 18-25 that you can't understand until you get past that point in life. Ask any of the women here over 25, and they will probably say the same thing. You totally change during those ages, and it is when your personality solidifies as well as your ways of thinking and such. My grandmother got married at a very young age and regrets it horribly because she married someone who turned into a possessive control freak as he got older, when he was the exact opposite when they got married at 18. This may not happen to you, but personalities, ideologies, and ways of thinking are scientifically proven to fluctuate greatly during that age group.

So while I understand where you are coming from, I suggest waiting. I'm waiting because I can see the change that is happening in myself, and I want to make sure that BF and I are truly going to be compatible before we make the decision to stay with each other for the rest of our lives. So while you are being very smart about it and thinking about it, just remember that you're probably going to change drastically in the next few years, and it may mean you grow apart from your SO and you need to be prepared for that.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

cu97tiger said:

I'm stuck on two things: you've never lived on your own. That's a HUGE red flag for me. You learn things you CANNOT LEARN from living with someone else who is supporting you.

This. One million times this. I lived on my own for almost 10 years before I met DH. I learned so much about myself in that time. I learned to be resourceful and handy, to fix things, to set and keep and follow a budget, and so much more.

I don't judge people who don't live on their own before marriage, but I know that I couldn't have done it, and neither could have DH. It would be a red flag issue for me.

lennonkdc · December 2013

I'm sorry OP, You sound really level headed for an 18 yr old and I think you might be the exception to a few rules but I just can't get past the 22 yr old man being sexually attracted to a 15 yr old and then thinking that the right thing to do is to take her into his home. I know that you probably don't see your self a vulnerable, but a teenage girl who's had significant life trauma, including an addict mother is vulnerable. The typical psychological profile of a man who would be attracted to a young person like that sets off a lot of red flags.

If being with this person long term is what you want, then I suggest you both, individually and as a couple see a counselor. You said you're in school, most schools have counselors available for students, check it out. Maybe it would be a good idea to live on your own for a bit. Moving out doesn't mean breaking up- my FI (then BF) and I lived together, then moved back in with our families for financial reasons, then when I went to law school I got my own place for a year. It was one of the best experience of my life. I loved living on my own, and when we moved back in together our relationship was that much better for it.

raw1299 · December 2013

No, don't ever go into debt with something you cant afford. In all seriousness, yes, a nice wedding ring is nice, but a few years from now you'll look back and be happy you returned them.

I've had my rings for 3 years, and honestly, I'm lucky if I wear it 1x a week when we go out. They're a bit tight from gaining weight from a baby, and they aren't really practical when handling babies/toddlers- i'm scared i'll scratch her with it.

Word of advice- material things isn't what matters- you and your FI are, and starting your lives together. Starting your life on the wrong foot, especially in debt financially, probably for-see's other huge (bad) things happening in your relationship- like a divorce.

try looking at white sapphire rings- they're a lot cheaper than diamonds.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Miabella-5-8-Carat-T.G.W.-Created-White-Sapphire-and-1-5-Carat-T.W.-Diamond-Sterling-Silver-Halo-Engagement-Ring/32708700

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=23009196

raw1299 · December 2013

bubbles053009 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

Not only that but she's been with her BF for 3 years and he's 25, meaning she was 15 and he was 22 when they started dating.

On this note- I've been with my DH for 7+ years, He's 34 and i'm 24. Do the math. Oh, and we have a successful marriage, and family. Got engaged when I was 20, married at 21.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

No, don't ever go into debt with something you cant afford. In all seriousness, yes, a nice wedding ring is nice, but a few years from now you'll look back and be happy you returned them.

I've had my rings for 3 years, and honestly, I'm lucky if I wear it 1x a week when we go out. They're a bit tight from gaining weight from a baby, and they aren't really practical when handling babies/toddlers- i'm scared i'll scratch her with it.

Word of advice- material things isn't what matters- you and your FI are, and starting your lives together. Starting your life on the wrong foot, especially in debt financially, probably for-see's other huge (bad) things happening in your relationship- like a divorce.

try looking at white sapphire rings- they're a lot cheaper than diamonds.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Miabella-5-8-Carat-T.G.W.-Created-White-Sapphire-and-1-5-Carat-T.W.-Diamond-Sterling-Silver-Halo-Engagement-Ring/32708700

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=23009196

*stuck in the stupid box*

Not necessarily -- lab-created ones are, yes, esp when they're set in sterling silver rather than white gold or platinum or yellow gold, but natural sapphires aren't always cheaper than diamonds. It depends on cut, colour, clarity, carat weight, etc.

Swazzle · December 2013

raw1299 said:

bubbles053009 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

Not only that but she's been with her BF for 3 years and he's 25, meaning she was 15 and he was 22 when they started dating.

On this note- I've been with my DH for 7+ years, He's 34 and i'm 24. Do the math. Oh, and we have a successful marriage, and family. Got engaged when I was 20, married at 21.

Just because you're married and have a kid now doesn't mean it wasn't creepy and disturbing when and how it began.

raw1299 · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

No, don't ever go into debt with something you cant afford. In all seriousness, yes, a nice wedding ring is nice, but a few years from now you'll look back and be happy you returned them.

I've had my rings for 3 years, and honestly, I'm lucky if I wear it 1x a week when we go out. They're a bit tight from gaining weight from a baby, and they aren't really practical when handling babies/toddlers- i'm scared i'll scratch her with it.

Word of advice- material things isn't what matters- you and your FI are, and starting your lives together. Starting your life on the wrong foot, especially in debt financially, probably for-see's other huge (bad) things happening in your relationship- like a divorce.

try looking at white sapphire rings- they're a lot cheaper than diamonds.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Miabella-5-8-Carat-T.G.W.-Created-White-Sapphire-and-1-5-Carat-T.W.-Diamond-Sterling-Silver-Halo-Engagement-Ring/32708700

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=23009196

*stuck in the stupid box*

Not necessarily -- lab-created ones are, yes, esp when they're set in sterling silver rather than white gold or platinum or yellow gold, but natural sapphires aren't always cheaper than diamonds. It depends on cut, colour, clarity, carat weight, etc.

I gave her links to cheaper white sapphire rings. Yes, I understand all jewelry and gemstones can fluctuate in price from cut, color, etc.

raw1299 · December 2013

Swazzle said:

raw1299 said:

bubbles053009 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

Not only that but she's been with her BF for 3 years and he's 25, meaning she was 15 and he was 22 when they started dating.

On this note- I've been with my DH for 7+ years, He's 34 and i'm 24. Do the math. Oh, and we have a successful marriage, and family. Got engaged when I was 20, married at 21.

Just because you're married and have a kid now doesn't mean it wasn't creepy and disturbing when and how it began.

I don't find it weird. I was 17, in college.

Edit: but yea, maybe 15 is a little too young to be in a relationship with someone who's in their 20's.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

blink177 said:

Glad to see you're all very welcoming to people of different backgrounds than you.

Yes, he was 22, and yes I made my parents sit down and have a long talk with him before we were allowed to date.

Yes, I'm 18. And we've been living together for over 2 years. Because my mom turned out to be addicted to meth and he took me in. My overprotective father even realizes that I was better off with him than anywhere else. You can judge me for being young, or judge my boyfriend for being old, and you can tell me I'm rushing into marriage, after 3 years of dating. But the fact is, wisdom doesn't always come from age. It often does, and I could appreciate your concern if it was in fact concern, but it isn't. You're not concerned that I'm making a mistake, you're annoyed with me for being at an age that you deem unacceptable for marriage. And honestly, I can see why you'd be wary. But the fact is, you don't understand the way my life has played out this far into my life, and you don't know my boyfriend. My friends were all concerned at the beginning of our relationship, too. They called him a child molester (even though we waited until the law was on our side), and they called me naive, but now that they know him, they realize how wrong they were.

I'm making the choice to spend the rest of my life with this man. And it's not so I can show off, and it's not so I can feel validated, and it's not so I have an excuse to wear jewelry and have a fancy party. It's because I love him very much, he's the only human being I've ever been able to completely be myself around.

My wisdom comes from my past and the fact that I had to grow up fast and take care of myself from a very young age, and he and I have had very similar experiences. You are not qualified to make judgments on my situation. You are qualified to be CONCERNED because yes, what you see is a young girl entering into what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment with someone 7 years older than herself. But you're not being concerned, you're being rude.

Had you not known my age or his, and you allowed me to post freely and coexist with you on this forum, you'd likely not have had a problem with our marriage. You're focusing on things that have nothing to do with who I am, or my relationship.

I'm not a little girl, but I can see why you might think that I was. A lot of girls are at this age. I'm not going to tell you "age is just a number" because it's not. The older you are the more opportunities you have to experience things and grow. Sadly, I've had a lot of intense experiences already.

So, yes. I'm young. Too young for most people to get married. But, I'm not most people. I'm myself. And I'm not exactly rushing into marriage. We've been dating for three years and planned to be engaged for at least two more.

Not everyone fits into the neat ideals of marriage that society now dictates. What you think is right for you isn't necessarily right for everyone. I can't believe some people still have to be told that.

Respect.

The circumstances are obviously a bit questionable but it sounds like you have a logical, mature head on your shoulders. All judgments aside, best of luck.

cu97tiger · December 2013

raw1299 said:

Swazzle said:

raw1299 said:

bubbles053009 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

Not only that but she's been with her BF for 3 years and he's 25, meaning she was 15 and he was 22 when they started dating.

On this note- I've been with my DH for 7+ years, He's 34 and i'm 24. Do the math. Oh, and we have a successful marriage, and family. Got engaged when I was 20, married at 21.

Just because you're married and have a kid now doesn't mean it wasn't creepy and disturbing when and how it began.

I don't find it weird. I was 17, in college.

Edit: but yea, maybe 15 is a little too young to be in a relationship with someone who's in their 20's.

Maybe?? Definitely. Andplusalso, there is something wrong with a 25+ year old man who wants to date a 15 year old, or 16 year old, or 17 year old.

bride2b71614 · December 2013

You appear to be a level headed young woman, who had to grow up quickly due to terrible circumstances. It is great that you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but if you are going to spend the rest of your life with him, there is no harm in waiting for another two or three years. Your college years are about reflection, growth and moving into a new phase of your life. You also change a lot during those years, and maybe certain traits that you have will change, or certain traits you wanted in a partner might change too. If you choose to go forward, make sure that you go to a ton of premarital counseling, maybe getting some therapy for yourself as well, because it might further your growth, and resolve any residual issues from your prior circumstances. I wish you the best of luck.

On a side note: In the GENERAL context of speaking about adults engaging in romantic relationships (emotional or sexual), with minors, I REALLY hate the statement "age is just a number" because my mind automatically goes to: "and jail is just a room". To me, its an excuse for an adult to justify having a relationship with a minor, which is a generally touchy subject to start with. While OP was talking about experience, I am talking about the general phrase overall. It just creeps me out.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I definitely second the waiting a few more years, possibly until you're out of college. And keep in mind that marriage can change your financial aid and tax status, so you really need to investigate and consider that if you're paying for your own education. On a side note, I'm 22 right now and I cannot, in a million years imagine being in a relationship or sexually attracted to a 15 year old. Just thinking about it creeps me out so much.

Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

Re: Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards