.

daveANDkristen · December 2013

I hope that OP and her FI pursue couple's counseling if they hope to continue their relationship.

But I honestly do not see where there was enough information here to say either:

a) OP is just being crazy/jealous/insecure or

b) FI's friendship with his ex is completely inappropriate/adulterous

I think that when it comes to issues like this, we should keep in mind that these are real people in a real relationship. Hearing her story and saying "sounds familiar, I'm sure he's a cheating douche like my ex!" is a bit extreme IMO. It is quite possible to be platonic friends with an ex and it's unhealthy to not trust your partner around someone of the opposite sex (or their preferred gender).

phira · December 2013

BlueBirdMB said:

I'm reading that a lot of people on here don't see a problem with this guy being friends with his ex. I personally see a huge problem with that in itself. But the biggest problem is this:

OP is upset about it. This relationship with the ex is ruining her relationship. Regardless of whether her feelings are warranted, her feelings are her only reality, so it's the only reality that matters. If her FI isn't willing to do whatever it takes to make his marriage strong, then he is immature and unwilling to sacrifice and work for his marriage. This is a recipe for disaster.

I would and my husband would do anything to fix our problems. If a friendship was hurting our relationship, I would end that friendship because my marriage is the most important thing to me. I trust that my husband isn't insane and that his feelings aren't crazy, and he trusts the same from me. So if we ever got our feelings hurt, I would trust that those feelings were a reality that needed to fixed.

OP, if your husband can't trust that your feelings are your reality, or if he is unwilling to sacrifice to fix your problems together, then he is not someone who deserves your heart.

Being friends with an ex isn't a problem on its own. I do not have a problem with my partner still being friends with some of his exes (one of them is on the guest list).

But in this case, whether or not the fiance and this woman are exes, he's not drawing ANY boundaries, or respecting the OP's feelings. And it's not like there's nothing to be upset about either; it's not like they're entirely platonic and she's, I dunno, NOT sitting in his lap or something.

I agree with you mostly, just saying that in and of itself, being friends with an ex is not a big problem.

Viczaesar · December 2013

daveANDkristen said:

I hope that OP and her FI pursue couple's counseling if they hope to continue their relationship.

But I honestly do not see where there was enough information here to say either:

a) OP is just being crazy/jealous/insecure or

b) FI's friendship with his ex is completely inappropriate/adulterous

I think that when it comes to issues like this, we should keep in mind that these are real people in a real relationship. Hearing her story and saying "sounds familiar, I'm sure he's a cheating douche like my ex!" is a bit extreme IMO. It is quite possible to be platonic friends with an ex and it's unhealthy to not trust your partner around someone of the opposite sex (or their preferred gender).

I agree.

NYCBruin · December 2013

daveANDkristen said:

I hope that OP and her FI pursue couple's counseling if they hope to continue their relationship.

But I honestly do not see where there was enough information here to say either:

a) OP is just being crazy/jealous/insecure or

b) FI's friendship with his ex is completely inappropriate/adulterous

I think that when it comes to issues like this, we should keep in mind that these are real people in a real relationship. Hearing her story and saying "sounds familiar, I'm sure he's a cheating douche like my ex!" is a bit extreme IMO. It is quite possible to be platonic friends with an ex and it's unhealthy to not trust your partner around someone of the opposite sex (or their preferred gender).

I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

WildMagelet · December 2013

NYCBruin said:
I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

Agreed. Boundaries are important. They need to be created, acceptable for the people that matter, and respected by all parties.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

daveANDkristen said:

I hope that OP and her FI pursue couple's counseling if they hope to continue their relationship.

But I honestly do not see where there was enough information here to say either:

a) OP is just being crazy/jealous/insecure or

b) FI's friendship with his ex is completely inappropriate/adulterous

I think that when it comes to issues like this, we should keep in mind that these are real people in a real relationship. Hearing her story and saying "sounds familiar, I'm sure he's a cheating douche like my ex!" is a bit extreme IMO. It is quite possible to be platonic friends with an ex and it's unhealthy to not trust your partner around someone of the opposite sex (or their preferred gender).

I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

^this.

flutterbride2b said:

NYCBruin said:
I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

Agreed. Boundaries are important. They need to be created, acceptable for the people that matter, and respected by all parties.

^And this. From what OP told us, her FI was not setting boundaries with his ex and was dismissive of her concerns.

Jen4948 · December 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

NYCBruin said:

daveANDkristen said:

I hope that OP and her FI pursue couple's counseling if they hope to continue their relationship.

But I honestly do not see where there was enough information here to say either:

a) OP is just being crazy/jealous/insecure or

b) FI's friendship with his ex is completely inappropriate/adulterous

I think that when it comes to issues like this, we should keep in mind that these are real people in a real relationship. Hearing her story and saying "sounds familiar, I'm sure he's a cheating douche like my ex!" is a bit extreme IMO. It is quite possible to be platonic friends with an ex and it's unhealthy to not trust your partner around someone of the opposite sex (or their preferred gender).

I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

^this.

flutterbride2b said:

NYCBruin said:
I mostly agree. Although I don't think there's anything necessarily unhealthy about being uncomfortable with the idea of your SO hanging out with a former lover who is touchy-feely with him/her and jokes about sex regularly with him/her. Especially if in the past your SO has agreed that his/her relationship with said former lover was inappropriate in the past and set boundaries that have since been broken.

Agreed. Boundaries are important. They need to be created, acceptable for the people that matter, and respected by all parties.

^And this. From what OP told us, her FI was not setting boundaries with his ex and was dismissive of her concerns.

I have to agree as well. A FI who respects the person he plans to share the rest of his life with accepts her feelings without being dismissive of them. Plus, he understands that he can't be intimate in any way with someone on the side. Intimacy isn't limited to sex-it also includes flirting, going out, and private conversations. If the person he wants to marry isn't okay with his doing this with someone else, he has to cut it out, no questions asked. This guy isn't doing this.

BlueBirdMB · December 2013

phira said:

BlueBirdMB said:

I'm reading that a lot of people on here don't see a problem with this guy being friends with his ex. I personally see a huge problem with that in itself. But the biggest problem is this:

OP is upset about it. This relationship with the ex is ruining her relationship. Regardless of whether her feelings are warranted, her feelings are her only reality, so it's the only reality that matters. If her FI isn't willing to do whatever it takes to make his marriage strong, then he is immature and unwilling to sacrifice and work for his marriage. This is a recipe for disaster.

I would and my husband would do anything to fix our problems. If a friendship was hurting our relationship, I would end that friendship because my marriage is the most important thing to me. I trust that my husband isn't insane and that his feelings aren't crazy, and he trusts the same from me. So if we ever got our feelings hurt, I would trust that those feelings were a reality that needed to fixed.

OP, if your husband can't trust that your feelings are your reality, or if he is unwilling to sacrifice to fix your problems together, then he is not someone who deserves your heart.

Being friends with an ex isn't a problem on its own. I do not have a problem with my partner still being friends with some of his exes (one of them is on the guest list).

But in this case, whether or not the fiance and this woman are exes, he's not drawing ANY boundaries, or respecting the OP's feelings. And it's not like there's nothing to be upset about either; it's not like they're entirely platonic and she's, I dunno, NOT sitting in his lap or something.

I agree with you mostly, just saying that in and of itself, being friends with an ex is not a big problem.

Personally, I think if an ex is an ex, it's time for that to be in the past. I don't think it's fair to a current spouse to have a relationship with someone that you once had romantic feelings for and a sexual relationship with. Not everyone agrees, but knowing that my husband and I both agree about this has meant that neither of us has ever had any jealousy issues. I think it's important to create boundaries in your relationship so that jealousy is never an issue.

phira · December 2013

@BlueBirdMB I mean ... you can still have trust issues even when exes are entirely out of the picture. It's great if it works for you, but I know that my partner would be irked if I forbade him to stay friends with someone just because they dated in college. And I know that I wouldn't be happy if my partner didn't support me as I try to rebuild a friendship with someone just because it's a guy I used to hook up with.

The bottom line is that it doesn't work for the OP. I don't think it works as a blanket rule.

WildMagelet · December 2013

phira said:
The bottom line is that it doesn't work for the OP. I don't think it works as a blanket rule.

I agree. FI and his XW have kids together, so they sort of *have* to have at least some sort of relationship. His ex and I are friendly and I've never had any jealousy issues with the two of them, but F & I have the type of relationship where if something makes one of us uncomfortable, then we tell the other person about it right away so it doesn't turn into anything big. We don't always have to understand or agree with one another, but the respect has to be there.

It sounds like the OP in this instance voiced concerns and because her FI didn't necessarily agree with her he ended up dismissing her concerns as invalid, which is where the real problem comes into play.

daveANDkristen · December 2013

I agree with those of you who have mentioned the real problem, which is that her FI has not set boundaries with his ex that OP is comfortable with. TBH, my first impression when reading the OP is that she's overreacting. IIRC, she did not mention anything about this being an ex-gf until someone else brought it up. Even then, she said that her FI did date this woman - where did she say they were lovers? Or even serious? Imagine a guy is friends with a girl for several years, and then at one point went on a few dates with her. They decide that they are not compatible romantically and continue being friends. This is a much less sensational scenario than a few PPs have painted... I just wonder what is really the truth here.

Amyzen83 · December 2013

That's a good point, but the fact that this other woman appears to have feelings for him and is completely vocal about it, and is even blatantly disrespecting OP and joking sexually with her FI, is completely out of line! If some woman was doing that with my FI, don't you know there will be words with him about it, but I also know that even if he was somehow blind to the innuendos, I know that if he saw I was extremely unhappy, he'd immediately cut contact with that person. There are friends and "friends with benefits." I know my FI has a few female friends but he talks to them every once in a blue moon, and they also treat me with the upmost respect, otherwise he'd sever ties with them because I mean so much more to him then these friends.

.

Re: .

Choose Another Board

Search Boards