Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

AddieCake · December 2013

If you have nowhere else to go, then, yes, I believe you should move back with your parents. And if your boyfriend "won't follow [you] elsewhere," that's kind of a red flag for me as well. I'm not saying you guys must live wherever works for only you and he gets no say, but it seems like if you can't make it work where you currently are, then he should at least be open to discussing a move where you could be more successful.

ETA: My husband gave up his job and his friends and his life and moved from VA to TX to be with me before we were engaged. I never pressured him to; it was his choice. We spent 2 years together there, and he was miserable. Seeing how miserable he was, I suggested we move to VA where he had been living a much happier life, and that's what we did soon after our wedding.

He never once asked me to do that. I did it b/c I could see he couldn't be happy in TX. I love our life here, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself and for us. Marriage is all about compromise, and he should at least be open to discussing a potential move if need be.

deannagirly · December 2013

chibiyui said:

ipilya said:

Hey now, we have to give him a little credit, lol. He didn't chose to be unemployed, it was a layoff, and like I said, he's in school now, about to be an engineer in the spring. he's just too stubborn to see anything other than what he wants. i wouldn't have a problem with his dad being here if he would put forth some sort of assistance. It just the fact that everything I was told before going there hasn't happened. When we agreed to do this, it was under the impression for me that within the month, his dad would be out, the house would be in our name, and we'd be on our way to saving for the future w/o paying rent. Now none of that is the case, and he has since told us he'll at least help by giving us some of his food stamps, that isn't even happening....

While I hope for your sake that everything works out, the bolded suggests that even if he gets a good job and you guys are able to move away from his family, his family will still be an issue. Your boyfriend obviously wants a relationship with his father. You can't tell him not too. Thats his call. You can't make him do anything.

I would tell him that, say after spring or once he has a job again, that you want counseling or your gone. Make it an ultimatum otherwise, he has no reason to change.

Although I absolutely hate it when people give ultimatums, sometimes it's necessary, and I'd say with your current living conditions it is. I agree that you need to talk to him and explain that you just aren't happy in the current living condition, and to at least give you some peace of mind, he needs to go with you to therapy. You can't be making excuses for him if he doesn't go. If he doesn't want to go, then that's his deal and you need to find a way to make yourself happy. With or without him.

ipilya · December 2013

misshart00 said:

All I'm hearing is that you just want to bum off of his house. You were expecting him to just hand his house over to you and move out? Life doesn't work like that. If you don't like the situation, move out. If you can't afford first months rent on an apartment, you will not be able to afford a wedding. And if you're not engaged, stop planning a wedding. I had a "promise ring" once. There only true purpose is to appease a girl so he doesn't have to propose. And FYI, you don't need a ring to be engaged.

Well no, I just want him to help us out, like he said. And again, wedding is farther down. Who cares what we can or cannot afford? lmao. There's a difference between actual planning and considering options. Not like I'm putting money down or calling for venues. Reading a bit too much into this I think. A wedding doesn't have to be extravagant, eventually, when the time comes, my parents will help us out if we need it. The overall point of this post is how I can assert myself enough to not have someone at the event celebrating our coming together who do not want us together. The reason it's being an issue now is more and more each day, I hate them more, and I know, when the time comes, he will want them there, and I won't.

misshart00 · December 2013

PDKH said:
Can I ask a blunt and brutal question?

Are you with this guy because you can't afford to not be with this guy?

I was thinking this too. And also, are you still with this guy because if you break up, you feel like you wasted 5 years?

ipilya · December 2013

misshart00 said:

Can I ask a blunt and brutal question?

Are you with this guy because you can't afford to not be with this guy?
I was thinking this too. And also, are you still with this guy because if you break up, you feel like you wasted 5 years?

No, I could go with my parents again if necessary, but I like his support, I like being next to someone at night. But yeah, I posted earlier somewhere that I have trouble walking out on him now because yes, I feel I would have wasted nearly 5 years just to toss it away now.

manateehugger · December 2013

Yeah, I'm not a huge ultimatum fan, but honestly, if you can't say to him "I know you don't like the idea of it, but it would mean a lot to counseling. I'm stressed out and unhappy about this situation and I really think it would help me and our relationship," and he wont go at least a few times with you, WALK AWAY. That means his stubbornness is winning over his love for you. Not ok.

My FI is the gruff wannabe grizzly man type who wouldn't love the idea of counseling, but I know for a fact he would go if I asked him. Because I am important to him, my needs are important to him, and he wants to be a good partner.

ipilya · December 2013

AddieL73 said:

If you have nowhere else to go, then, yes, I believe you should move back with your parents. And if your boyfriend "won't follow [you] elsewhere," that's kind of a red flag for me as well. I'm not saying you guys must live wherever works for only you and he gets no say, but it seems like if you can't make it work where you currently are, then he should at least be open to discussing a move where you could be more successful.

ETA: My husband gave up his job and his friends and his life and moved from VA to TX to be with me before we were engaged. I never pressured him to; it was his choice. We spent 2 years together there, and he was miserable. Seeing how miserable he was, I suggested we move to VA where he had been living a much happier life, and that's what we did soon after our wedding.

He never once asked me to do that. I did it b/c I could see he couldn't be happy in TX. I love our life here, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself and for us. Marriage is all about compromise, and he should at least be open to discussing a potential move if need be.

That's awesome, I wish it was that doable for us. I just feel trapped at this point. Part of me just doesn't want to break down and go back with my parents, we'd been doing so well on our own for so long. But at this point, with my one income and his meager unemployment check, that just wouldn't happen. So yeah, you're right, at least at my parents I'd be happy and I could focus on myself, I guess. Maybe then I'd realize just how unhappy I was and could break it off...just so hard to think about, you know? Four and a half years is a long time to be with someone...just to not be there anymore...it's like he died....

deannagirly · December 2013

ipilya said:

misshart00 said:

Can I ask a blunt and brutal question?

Are you with this guy because you can't afford to not be with this guy?
I was thinking this too. And also, are you still with this guy because if you break up, you feel like you wasted 5 years?

No, I could go with my parents again if necessary, but I like his support, I like being next to someone at night. But yeah, I posted earlier somewhere that I have trouble walking out on him now because yes, I feel I would have wasted nearly 5 years just to toss it away now.

That isn't a healthy reason to stay with somebody. I know it's hard to walk out on somebody after spending so much time with them. But take it as a learning experience. If you walk out now, at 5 years, wouldn't it be better than walking out at 8 years and having had wasted more time? I think you guys should at least take a break. I'm not saying for sure break up and never see him again, but I don't think it'd be a terrible idea if you were to take a step back. Maybe move back in with your parents for a few months, and see if you are happier without him.

chibiyui · December 2013

ipilya said:

misshart00 said:

Can I ask a blunt and brutal question?

Are you with this guy because you can't afford to not be with this guy?
I was thinking this too. And also, are you still with this guy because if you break up, you feel like you wasted 5 years?

No, I could go with my parents again if necessary, but I like his support, I like being next to someone at night. But yeah, I posted earlier somewhere that I have trouble walking out on him now because yes, I feel I would have wasted nearly 5 years just to toss it away now.

It's better to waste 5 years then 10 years.

Seriously, either he is worth dealing with his family or he's not. It's not bitchy or shallow, it's a toxic situation and he isn't taking any steps to make it better.

misshart00 · December 2013

Do you really think getting married will fix this? That's a legitimate question. Some people think getting married fixes family issues.

manateehugger · December 2013

ipilya said:

misshart00 said:

Can I ask a blunt and brutal question?

Are you with this guy because you can't afford to not be with this guy?
I was thinking this too. And also, are you still with this guy because if you break up, you feel like you wasted 5 years?

No, I could go with my parents again if necessary, but I like his support, I like being next to someone at night. But yeah, I posted earlier somewhere that I have trouble walking out on him now because yes, I feel I would have wasted nearly 5 years just to toss it away now.

I understand this feeling, I do. But marrying someone just because you've spent 5 years with them is not a good reason to make yourself miserable. A marriage and a wedding will not fix this situation. It will only make it more messy and miserable and harder to leave. Where is @MuppetOverlord @MuppetFan - she's got great advice on this topic.

More time you spend with him is less time you can work on yourself, your independence, and finding someone who wants to support you and makes you top priority.

ipilya · December 2013

Ugh, ya'll are so right. This is making me feel so much better, but so much worse knowing what I should/have to do. lol.

misshart00 · December 2013

And do you think it's better to stay together now and look at divorce 10 years later or to cut your losses now?

hoffse · December 2013

I'd also like to point out that you can't "fix" your boyfriend to give him a personality transplant. He obviously wants his family in his life, and guess what? That's his perogative. If you don't like it, then you need to do something about it. But you can't ask him to distance himself from people he's directly related to simply because you don't like them.

I'm also hearing that you want to be living rent free. Well guess what? Nothing in life in free. It's just not. His dad owns the house and he can do whatever he wants with it. If you don't like it, then don't live there. And if your bf wants to continue living there, then either deal with it or go your separate ways.

Being engaged isn't going to change a damn thing. In fact, it will probably make stuff worse because it will feel a lot harder to get out. If you don't like what you have here, then you need to move on. You won't be able to "fix" it.

Viczaesar · December 2013

ipilya said:

Hey now, we have to give him a little credit, lol. He didn't chose to be unemployed, it was a layoff, and like I said, he's in school now, about to be an engineer in the spring. he's just too stubborn to see anything other than what he wants. i wouldn't have a problem with his dad being here if he would put forth some sort of assistance. It just the fact that everything I was told before going there hasn't happened. When we agreed to do this, it was under the impression for me that within the month, his dad would be out, the house would be in our name, and we'd be on our way to saving for the future w/o paying rent. Now none of that is the case, and he has since told us he'll at least help by giving us some of his food stamps, that isn't even happening....

Well frankly that was unrealistic. Why would your FI's father get government assistance with housing if he owns his own house? Why would he be able to give away that house (sign it over to your FI) and not have it affect his eligibility for government assistance? Generally speaking it doesn't work that way.

ipilya · December 2013

hoffse said:

I'd also like to point out that you can't "fix" your boyfriend to give him a personality transplant. He obviously wants his family in his life, and guess what? That's his perogative. If you don't like it, then you need to do something about it. But you can't ask him to distance himself from people he's directly related to simply because you don't like them.

I'm also hearing that you want to be living rent free. Well guess what? Nothing in life in free. It's just not. His dad owns the house and he can do whatever he wants with it. If you don't like it, then don't live there. And if your bf wants to continue living there, then either deal with it or go your separate ways.

Being engaged isn't going to change a damn thing. In fact, it will probably make stuff worse because it will feel a lot harder to get out. If you don't like what you have here, then you need to move on. You won't be able to "fix" it.

Not like that, again, we were totally cool with paying rent before he was laid off. If we were still in that position, I could easily suggest moving out, but now, it just wouldn't be possible, either way, in this situation, we would've had to have done something. It was a nice offer at the time, allowing us to save some more, so we took it. Now it's turned ugly, and he doesn't realize it, he still thinks all is okay, dad will be out soon, it's just a long waiting list. But I just think I see it for how it is, his dad doesnt want to leave his house he paid for, why would he? But he wouldn'tve been able to keep it and pay for anything after he kicked his girlfriend out, but why should we pay for everything? I don't want us to. I've asked him several times if we could look at smaller places or something at some point, but he doesn't want to. I would prefer at this point to go back to renting, at least then I know all the money we're spending is for us alone, and not some dude in a room who doesn't talk to us.

ipilya · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

ipilya said:

Hey now, we have to give him a little credit, lol. He didn't chose to be unemployed, it was a layoff, and like I said, he's in school now, about to be an engineer in the spring. he's just too stubborn to see anything other than what he wants. i wouldn't have a problem with his dad being here if he would put forth some sort of assistance. It just the fact that everything I was told before going there hasn't happened. When we agreed to do this, it was under the impression for me that within the month, his dad would be out, the house would be in our name, and we'd be on our way to saving for the future w/o paying rent. Now none of that is the case, and he has since told us he'll at least help by giving us some of his food stamps, that isn't even happening....

Well frankly that was unrealistic. Why would your FI's father get government assistance with housing if he owns his own house? Why would he be able to give away that house (sign it over to your FI) and not have it affect his eligibility for government assistance? Generally speaking it doesn't work that way.

I have no idea, that's why I hate this so much, I could only go by what my boyfriend told me, they kept everything hush hush, and i wouldn't put it past his dad to think about him lying to my boyfriend to get this all to work out, that's why I stand by my original thinking that he just knew he wouldn't be able to keep the house paid, taxes and all that, so he brought us in to take care of it....

ipilya · December 2013

misshart00 said:

Do you really think getting married will fix this? That's a legitimate question. Some people think getting married fixes family issues.

I don't think so. I don't give a sh- what happens to his parents after this, I just wanted us to be happier, and he said this would make him happier, less stress, closer to work, etc. I just feel like if I walk out, he'll go back to being this obedient servant, he pretty much already is, letting us pay for all this.He says all the time he doesn't want to be dependent on anyone, sometimes he hurts me and says he'd rather be alone, but then what is all this about? he's so backwards, oh my gosh.

natswild · December 2013

sometimes you have to leave for your own sanity. I'd been with my ex-BF for 5.5 years We talked on the phone every day, but I only saw him a few times a year, even though he lived 20 minutes away. (I didn't have a driver's license at that time). At the 5.5 year mark, I asked him if he wanted to get more serious, and he answered "I don't know". At that point, I told him that I was done with the relationship, I wasn't going to waste my time. It was extremely difficult, but necessary. Better to have wasted 5 years, and find someone healthy for you, then to get married and end up having to get divorced.

AddieCake · December 2013

He is not going to see how much this affects you unless you SHOW him by removing yourself from the situation. If you say, "I can't live like this; this is not what I signed up for," and then you leave and AREN'T living like that, then he has no choice to see how deeply it affects you, so much so that you would be willing to walk away for your own well-being. It's not an ultimatum. It's making a healthy life choice for yourself that he can either choose to be a part of or not.

ipilya · December 2013

I just asked him how he would feel about me going back to my parents. Said he doesn't want me to "because he likes me" O_O

manateehugger · December 2013

ipilya said:

misshart00 said:

Do you really think getting married will fix this? That's a legitimate question. Some people think getting married fixes family issues.

I don't think so. I don't give a sh- what happens to his parents after this, I just wanted us to be happier, and he said this would make him happier, less stress, closer to work, etc. I just feel like if I walk out, he'll go back to being this obedient servant, he pretty much already is, letting us pay for all this.He says all the time he doesn't want to be dependent on anyone, sometimes he hurts me and says he'd rather be alone, but then what is all this about? he's so backwards, oh my gosh.

He's lying to you and to himself. He is 28. It is NOT your job to defend him from his parents. That's his job as a grown man. You cannot fix him; he can only fix himself. You cannot help him being a servant. You can - and should - help yourself by not being dependent on a immature jerk who is dependent upon his parents. If he is saying "I want to be on my own," get out of this relationship. This man does not care about you the way he should.

ipilya · December 2013

And now I've asked what he thinks will happen to us if I leave, he said "I don't know."

dkflajkfdjlfjas he won't talk to me,ever.

Viczaesar · December 2013

This is a toxic relationship. It is not going to work out. You need to focus on getting your own feet under you, financially and emotionally speaking. Get out while you can. Seriously, there is nothing about your relationship and living situation as you've described it that isn't screaming warning signs.

ipilya · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

This is a toxic relationship. It is not going to work out. You need to focus on getting your own feet under you, financially and emotionally speaking. Get out while you can. Seriously, there is nothing about your relationship and living situation as you've described it that isn't screaming warning signs.

FML, yeah, you're right. Now he also follows up with "if I didn't care about you, I would've thrown you out a long time ago." gee, thanks. lol.

manateehugger · December 2013

ipilya said:

Viczaesar said:

This is a toxic relationship. It is not going to work out. You need to focus on getting your own feet under you, financially and emotionally speaking. Get out while you can. Seriously, there is nothing about your relationship and living situation as you've described it that isn't screaming warning signs.

FML, yeah, you're right. Now he also follows up with "if I didn't care about you, I would've thrown you out a long time ago." gee, thanks. lol.

Oh my God, get out asap. Move in with your parents, save up, and get your own place. Nothing about this man is worth holding on to.

AddieCake · December 2013

He won't ever talk to you? Communication is the most important thing in relationships. If he won't talk to you about things, that's another red flag.

deannagirly · December 2013

ipilya said:

Viczaesar said:

This is a toxic relationship. It is not going to work out. You need to focus on getting your own feet under you, financially and emotionally speaking. Get out while you can. Seriously, there is nothing about your relationship and living situation as you've described it that isn't screaming warning signs.

FML, yeah, you're right. Now he also follows up with "if I didn't care about you, I would've thrown you out a long time ago." gee, thanks. lol.

Oh my God, get out asap. Move in with your parents, save up, and get your own place. Nothing about this man is worth holding on to.

**STUCK IN THE BOX***
Agreed though, get out while you can.

Anaelsea · December 2013

What do YOU want from life? Where do you want your career in ten years? What do you want your salary to be? Go for it, go to college, live in the college town in a shared house with other gals, your whole life isnt just parents or BF & his fam, there are so many more choices, and five years is not a big number, you need to be selfish and focus on your own path, seriously, you need to be tough and a ball buster to get what you want, and if he finished school he can meet you on a parallel path of success. Shift your perspective to "zoom out" not "zoom in" I cut out on a fiance in texas in 2004(he was bad news bears), moved to germany for a year, seattle for a year, and ended up in hawaii (best choice ever PS theres plenty of subways in hawaii that are hiring LOL) no regrets

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

PDKH said:

ipilya said:

Anaelsea said:

Why dont you get your own place? Alot of issues arise from living with people. Just move out.
Also, if someone invites you into their house to live with them, even if youre paying their bills, they invited you into their space, you dont get to critique their lifestyle, if you dont like it move out and do your own thing. And yes, you have to invite his fam to your wedding. Also mistreatment is something i classify as physical abuse, emotional abuse, and theft. If you choose to pay his bills, thats your choice, so why pay them and then complain after? Family is family, when you live together, youre all in it together, this isnt that bad, when it gets bad youll know. I know many people who raise other peoples children, deal with heroin addictions, psychological issues other than "annoyance and chores and laziness", i know MANY people who pay for their parents cancer treatments, im talking hundreds of thousands of dollars per year, or they pay their elderly home care, to the tune of 3K a month. You dont have it bad yet, this isnt bad.

We've had our own place before, we can't afford an actual house. The issue his dad has is if he goes into government assisted living, he loses his house, so he told us we could have the house so it stays in the family, but now he won't go anywhere. I feel like if we leave...he'll guilt TJ right back into it, and right now we don't have the money to do a down payment on an apartment anyways, Tj was just recently laid off and is on unemployment....

You guys have so many issues beyond weddings. If his dad, not you, owns the house he doesn't have to move out, because it's his house.

If you can't afford to put a deposit down on an apartment and pay regular rent, how are you affording a wedding?

Seriously, this is not a healthy situation and I recommend you remove yourself from it. At least temporarily.

Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

Re: Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards