Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

ipilya · December 2013

Here's an interesting comment from him for you guys to diagnose. I just asked him how long would he let this go on for, if he gets a better job and makes more, how long will you let your dad be here until you say enough is enough, and you either get him out or we leave? How long?

To this he says: It will run it's course
I say: So you'd be okay with us living with your dad for the rest of our lives even though I, at some point potentially your wife, is not okay with it?

He says: Well, for the rest of HIS life.

Oh my god, he just basically told me that he has NO intention of EVER moving away from this, his dad is here until get goes on his own accord, or dies. What the fuck.

ipilya · December 2013

Anaelsea said:

What do YOU want from life? Where do you want your career in ten years? What do you want your salary to be? Go for it, go to college, live in the college town in a shared house with other gals, your whole life isnt just parents or BF & his fam, there are so many more choices, and five years is not a big number, you need to be selfish and focus on your own path, seriously, you need to be tough and a ball buster to get what you want, and if he finished school he can meet you on a parallel path of success. Shift your perspective to "zoom out" not "zoom in" I cut out on a fiance in texas in 2004(he was bad news bears), moved to germany for a year, seattle for a year, and ended up in hawaii (best choice ever PS theres plenty of subways in hawaii that are hiring LOL) no regrets

A subway in hawaii, good lord, headed your way! :P

AddieCake · December 2013

He just gave you your answer. He is not the least bit interested in how you feel about this.

ipilya · December 2013

AddieL73 said:

He just gave you your answer. He is not the least bit interested in how you feel about this.

Yeah...yeah...

fml

misshart00 · December 2013

The great thing about the knot is that we're like a little family here. We understand that this is hard and we're here for you.

Viczaesar · December 2013

I'm sorry, @ipilya. I'm sure this wasn't what you were expecting to hear or wanting to hear, but I think it's what you needed to hear. Best of luck to you.

manateehugger · December 2013

And remember, it's not FML, it's the beginning of your new life - away from his crazy family! You can do it.

ipilya · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

I'm sorry, @ipilya. I'm sure this wasn't what you were expecting to hear or wanting to hear, but I think it's what you needed to hear. Best of luck to you.

No no no, you're right, it's wonderful thoughts to know that all my doubts are actually justifiable, I thought this was all in my head and that everything was okay, it's not, and I need to get help. This was wonderful

chibiyui · December 2013

I wish nothing but the best for you. Take some time for yourself and figure out what you need to make yourself happy.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

@ipilya, thank you for listening to these wonderful ladies here. So many times we get those who aren't really interested in what we have to say, and do nothing but get defensive and angry when we tell them what they need to hear. You are a breath of fresh air, and you are smart. You let us point out your gut feelings to you, and recognized when we were right. I am so sorry all this is happening to you, but you will be healthier, happier, and more successful by walking away and creating the life for yourself that you want. Yep, it's going to hurt and be hella difficult, and he might try to make you come back with all kinds of promises and begging. You've already proven you're worth more than that. Now go out and get it. BTW, "I like you" isn't something you say to someone who is potentially going to be your wife. You say that to your neighbor, your friend's brother, your new roommate, or your drinking buddy. Not your FI. It also sounds like your soon-to-be-ex-FI isn't very happy himself. He might be depressed, feel trapped by his father and financial situation, and just plain not know what he wants for himself either. His complacency with his situation and inability to answer questions about the situation and his future is concerning. I think he will eventually need help to figure his own wants and needs out. But, that's not your responsibility. It's his. He will have to create his own life just as you are going to create yours. It's up to him what he creates. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. If it doesn't bother you too much, stick around. There will be other ladies in the future who will need to hear about your experiences. *ETA the paragraphs that were in the original message...well hell, the paragraphs are there when I hit post...

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

*%#)@_! double post...

clarke10 · December 2013

I didn't read all the responses, but here are my thoughts.
First of alll, its illegal to give your food stamps to someone else, even as repayment for debt. So there's that.
Second of all, if your FI wants his parents at his wedding, invite them. If you tell him he CAN'T have his parents there, he might never forgive you for that.

manateehugger · December 2013

clarke10 said:

I didn't read all the responses, but here are my thoughts. First of alll, its illegal to give your food stamps to someone else, even as repayment for debt. So there's that. Second of all, if your FI wants his parents at his wedding, invite them. If you tell him he CAN'T have his parents there, he might never forgive you for that.

These were clearly the two over-arching issues in this situation.

clarke10 · December 2013

@PDKH The second part of my comment was literally just addressing her actual question in the post. She got lots of other advice so I was just giving her some advice on her question.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

clarke10 said:
@PDKH The second part of my comment was literally just addressing her actual question in the post. She got lots of other advice so I was just giving her some advice on her question.

One of the very first things I thought actually was that it was ileagle to sell your food stamps. I freakin hate that stuff!!!!

Jen4948 · December 2013

Let me ask you this: What do you get out of this relationship that's positive?

Your BF (he's not even your FI) is not contributing financially, lets his parents mistreat you badly, won't support you emotionally, and expects you to put up with all that shit. He also refuses to do therapy with you. What makes this guy worth all that, let alone that you're not engaged to him?

I'd run for it and get therapy if I were you.

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

Edited because I obviously didn't read the newer responses before I hit "Send" on my response. My new input is for the OP to just be strong and realize that she needs to focus on herself because her BF clearly won't

manateehugger · December 2013

Holy crap people - read the thread! She said she's realized she needs out of this relationship.

Why don't you offer support and advice for her to get out of this situation and to build a new life?

deannagirly · December 2013

I am so happy with your decision to do something for yourself and make your own life. You have support here, and like PP said, thank you for not running away and crying when we told you what you needed to hear, and actually listening and even agreeing. I really hope that you'll have a happy life. I would just move back in with your parents and start there. If he tries to get you back with promises, don't give in until he SHOWS you he plans to follow through with them. We all know it will be a long and difficult road for you, but in the end, you'll end up much more successful and much happier.

SP29 · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

Let me ask you this: What do you get out of this relationship that's positive?

Your BF (he's not even your FI) is not contributing financially, lets his parents mistreat you badly, won't support you emotionally, and expects you to put up with all that shit. He also refuses to do therapy with you. What makes this guy worth all that, let alone that you're not engaged to him?

*stuck in the box*. THIS!

I feel for you. It is scary for anyone to make a big change, to leave something that is familiar to them, even if you hate it. I see nothing that you've written that shows your bf has any consideration for you. It's time to move on and make your life your own.

Good luck and we're rooting for you!

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Wow, what a thread. @ipilya, it sounds like you know what's really good for you, and it isn't your bf. Your gut was right all along. Any guy who tells you he could "throw you away" is toxic. Take some time to take care of yourself and follow your own goals. Good luck and be strong!!!

ipilya · December 2013

Oh, I definitely will~! I had a final discussion with him to get the bear bones, I asked him why he hasn't proposed to me yet, since we just found out his brother is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of just one year, and he's told me the same story again. He wants us to both be in a position where we can afford our own house and be able to support the other without strain. So it's all stability and financials at this point, something that may or may not ever happen. I wanted someone to ask me to marry him because he knew he loved me and wanted to be with me forever just because, not because I can support him and bought a house with him. Marriage, to me, isn't about money, it's about the highest commitment of love, and I see very happy people doing it with a lot less to their names. So yeah, this done! Thank you all, for your amazing support and fantastic suggestions, I appreciate you all so very much!

natswild · December 2013

@ipilya, good luck! My best wishes are with you. It will be a long road to hoe, but it will be worth it in the end, and you will find someone who is worthy of you.

phira · December 2013

OP, I give you MAJOR MAJOR props and best wishes. PLEASE let us know if there's anything you need, in terms of getting on your own feet.

WildMagelet · December 2013

@ipilya,

You have received a ton of great advice in this thread and I'm glad you were able to recognize the toxicity of the position you're in. Work on that exit plan, focus on yourself, and the love you're looking for will be better able to find you once you're in a better place for *you.*

Please come back and give us updates! We're all rooting for you and wishing you nothing but the best.

LizM61409 · December 2013

Best of luck to you! I know this might seem like an awful, difficult thing to be going through right now, but I bet in a couple of months (if not sooner) you'll be glad you're not with him anymore.

I had a boyfriend during and just after college who was sort of drifting through his 20's, living with his parents at times, constantly starting a new career goal only to abandon it a few months later, etc etc. He broke up with me and I was devastated. In retrospect I'm SO glad he did.

Plus, I know you're concerned about having spent the past 5 years with him- you're only 25! That's so young! And like others have mentioned, better to be 5 years than 10 years plus divorce issues

climbingsingle · December 2013

@ipilya - you got some great advice here! I've been there - I dated and lived with my ex for 5 years. I was so unhappy but I was so afraid to end it. I, too, didn't want to feel like I had wasted 5 years of my life. And I kept thinking, "Shit, I'm 32. Who am I going to find?" I finally had enough and broke up with him. It sucked. 10 months later, I'm engaged to the man of my dreams and I couldn't be happier. A better person is out there for you!

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

I just caught up on this thread. Good luck, OP! Whenever you need support come back!

Belthil · December 2013

@ipilya I came late to the discussion but good luck!

I was in relationship for over 5 years that had become toxic by the end, but I was scared to end it because I thought he might be my one chance at marriage and happiness and I didn't want to end up alone. When it was over I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders when it ended. I decided to focus on myself and figuring out who I was and what I wanted out of life. While doing that I started dating my now-husband. My life is now much richer and fuller than I could have imagined.

Don't settle for being 'liked' you deserve more than that!

newenglandgal0802 · December 2013

Regardless of how you feel about his parents at the end of the day they are his parents and you can't just up and not invite them to a wedding because you don't like their lifestyles or attitudes. You don't have to like them but if you think you're mature enough to be married then you should be mature enough to accept they are who they are. Maybe if you took control of your life and got your own things in order and MOVED OUT then you would have separation and let them lead their train wreck lives alone and at the end of the day it won't be your problem. There's just way too much going on here and you're not even engaged. It sounds to me like you need to grow up. Clearly you're not capable of communicating effectively with your BF so why are you even considering marriage?

Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

Re: Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

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