Should we still send a gift?

radleyboo · December 2013

A little background: Cousin is getting married at the end of January, and unfortunately, his wedding occurs over the same weekend of my annual corporate kickoff for my job. It is mandatory that I attend my kickoff meetings, and I've not ever been close to this cousin, he's 14 years younger than me, has lived in Florida his whole life, and I live in Michigan. I've seen him about a dozen times in my life, in my estimation. Nice guy, we just live far apart, don't have much in common.

About 2 months ago, my mom called and asked both me and my sister if we were going to be able to attend the wedding in Florida. I told her 'probably not' because of my work obligations, and my sister declined for financial reasons. My mom said that our Aunt, the mother of the groom, understood and was sorry we likely couldn't make it. I asked where they are registered and my sister and I had planned to buy a gift together and send it down prior to the wedding.

Just yesterday, my mom called and said, 'Did you get invited to Cousin's wedding?' And I said, 'I haven't seen an invitation yet.' And she said, 'Well, they decided not to invite you and Sister because you said you couldn't come.' What??? H and I got married this past summer, and we knew ahead of time that most of Mom's family wouldn't be attending for various reasons, but they all still got an invitation because we wanted them there. But, whatever.

So Sister and I are debating... Do we still send a gift? I'm not sure if Mom told Aunt that we were planning to do so. I think it's a little tacky that we weren't invited, but at the end of the day, I really don't care. So tell us, gift or no gift?

delujm0 · December 2013

i think they just did you favor...no inviation no gift in my opinion. sometimes even if i get invited and decline to attend i don't send a gift...i only send a gift in that case when i'm close to the person, which it doesn't seem like you are. Pass.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I wouldn't! If you can't send me an invitation, even as a courtesy, I wouldn't waste my money.

Gisellerina · December 2013

I'd still send a gift. They probably thought that since you had already declined, there was no reason to send you an invitation. I almost made the same mistake with a couple of our friends. Luckily, I asked around here and got some great advice - send the invitations along with a personal note acknowledging their schedule conflict, etc.

radleyboo · December 2013

Not that I'm keeping score, or anything, Cousin and his FI declined our invitation and did not send a gift... Aunt signed their names to the card that she send with her gift. She also signed her other childrens' names, one who is a senior in high school (fine) and one who is married. She signed her daughter's husband's name too. (Not fine). And YES the engaged and married couples each got their own invitations to their own addresses. I'd be mortified if my mom responded to an RSVP on my behalf!

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

I've seen this question on the boards multiple times "they said they can't come, do I send an invite anyway?" It seems like this couple just didn't ask the question and assumed that there's no point in sending the invite if they know you're not coming. I know, I know...they should have sent one, but w/o knowing these people, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say it's an innocent mistake.

That said, I would only send a gift if you really want to. Based on what you've said here, you're under no etiquette obligation to send one and it kind of sounds like you don't really want to. If that's the case, I probably wouldn't.

phira · December 2013

I would totally not send a gift. I was reading this thinking, "Yeah, just send a gift, even if you can't make it," but then I got to the punch line, which is that you weren't even invited. Sooooo no gift.

KatWAG · December 2013

Would I still send a gift? Hell no, I wasnt even actually invited to the wedding.

arrippa · December 2013

I know there are super generous people who would send a wedding present even if not invited to the wedding. I am NOT one of them. If they couldn't be bothered to send me an invite, then I can't be bothered to buy them a gift.

doeydo · December 2013

I wouldn't send a gift.

MNVegas · December 2013

I would not send a gift. Maybe send a card to acknowledge the marriage.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

I wouldn't send a gift gift but I might send some money or a gift card.

Jen4948 · December 2013

I might send a card but not a boxed gift.

But I wouldn't side-eye not getting an invitation. You'd already indicated that even if you received one you can't go, so they may not have sent one by way of saving on postage or printing costs. It doesn't seem to me to be worth getting pissed about.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

I would send a nice card, but no gift.

Unless you received a STDate and then didn't get an invite, they didn't technically breach etiquette -- it sounds like your mom asked if you could attend, not the B/G.

orwhatuwill · December 2013

I'd send a gift.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

I dont understand the concept of sending an invitation to someone that you know will not attend. It just seems gift grabby to me. Perhaps that is why they didnt send one. I wouldnt feel obligated to send a gift.

hoffse · December 2013

I wouldn't feel obligated, per se, but I would still send one. It's your cousin, after all. I get not being close to certain cousins (I live on the opposite side of the country from some of mine), but still. They're family. And you only have so many of them.

I would bet they just didn't want to be gift grabby. I'm in the "it's an innocent mistake" camp. So I would send them something. Probably nothing large, and it would still be nice to split the gift with your sister, but I would think that $25 each for a $50 gift in total would be very nice and not break the bank.

indianaalum · December 2013

If you were gonna send one before this, I'd probably send one. They were saving you the effort of RSVPing back knowing you weren't giong.

SOME may argue that sending you an invite knowing you couldn't go, could be perceived as gift grabby. It's possible they felt that would look "gift grabby" by sending it..

I personally would have still send the invitation, but I can see why they didn't under the circumstances so I don't fault them.

It comes down to this, if you were planning on sending one when you got the actual invitation, send one, IMO.

jessicabessica · December 2013

Yes, they should have sent you an invitation. But I wouldn't let that stop you from sending a gift if you want to do so anyway. I mean, sometimes I give people wedding gifts if I was not invited to the wedding, and we certainly received gifts from people we did not invite. And don't let what they gave you influence your decision, that's crappy.

QueerFemme · December 2013

You were going to send one before, why wouldn't you send one now? You already told them you couldn't attend. yes, they should have sent the invitation as a formality. The invitation isn't what forces the gift. it's your desire to give the gift. I don't know why the lack of invitation would all of the sudden mean you no longer have a desire to send a gift.

jlazgrl · December 2013

Normally I would say since you weren't invited you don't need to send a gift, but if your mom told them you are sending one they will be expecting it. I'd send one just to avoid the awkward conversation when they think the gift might have been lost and ask about it. Or find out for sure that your mom didn't mention it to anyone.

AussieCat42 · December 2013

I would still send the gift. It sounds like if you had indicated you intended to go to the wedding, you would have received an invitation no questions asked. Since you already turned the opportunity down, they probably thought it was fine to save on the postage. If you really feel strongly about the invitation, maybe have your mother contact them asking if you could have a copy of the invitation for your 'memories'?

EverAfer · December 2013

southernbelle0915 said:
I've seen this question on the boards multiple times "they said they can't come, do I send an invite anyway?" It seems like this couple just didn't ask the question and assumed that there's no point in sending the invite if they know you're not coming. I know, I know...they should have sent one, but w/o knowing these people, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say it's an innocent mistake.

That said, I would only send a gift if you really want to. Based on what you've said here, you're under no etiquette obligation to send one and it kind of sounds like you don't really want to. If that's the case, I probably wouldn't.

I would think this. They should have, maybe didn't know better. If you were going to anyway, go ahead!

photokitty · December 2013

There was a recent thread on the invites & paper page debating to whether or not is gift grabby to invite someone who said they couldn't come. Maybe the bride read it and didn't invite you as a result. I think you should have gotten an invite, but I would still send a gift if it was me.

GrrArgh · December 2013

I'd send a gift, especially as it's family. Family members do stupid things when it comes to weddings. It's not an excuse, but that's family!

jenajjthr · December 2013

How many times do we tell brides don't send a courtesy invite, expect 100% attendance. Even if it's family nobody has a right to expect an invitation. Then for this OP you tell her she should have gotten an invitation and the bride went against etiquette by not sending her one. The only way this is the case is if she got an STD. Other than that circumstance no invitation should have been expected. Even if Aunt verbally said something, she could have been the person who was verbally inviting family that B and G didn't want invited because they weren't close, only met said cousin a handful of times. See where I'm going with this?

OP, you admit you barely know this cousin, aunt knew you wouldn't be able to make it, and so you weren't sent a courtesy invite. If you don't want to send a gift, then don't. If you would like too, then do so. If it was me, I would send a gift because I like to give presents. But that is me. Talk to your sister and decide what you both would like to do.

ei34 · December 2013

I've been in similar situations- most of my family lives near me in NYC but one uncle and his family live in Florida. I've seen his kids and stepkids (my cousins) here and there, and we always get along when we see each other, but we're not super-close. My siblings and I weren't surprised when we weren't invited to one of our cousins' weddings and our parents were. I went on to my cousin's registry and sent a smaller gift (I think it was around $40) with a congratulations card, and she replied with a warm thank you card. I did NOT give a gift as I would when I attend a wedding though (much larger cash gift).

photokitty · December 2013

As I mentioned about the thread on the invites & paper page, many posters said they would be annoyed to receive an invite to a wedding that they already did they could not attend. I think you should send an invite regardless, bc plans change and the offer should still be made on case they guest decide they can make out after all. Perhaps the bride thought it would look like she was pandering for presents if she sent invites to people who said they couldnt come. I don't think people know the correct way to handle this situation. Perhaps guests should refrain from rsvping until they actually recieved an invite.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

If I received an invitation to a wedding after I told the bride/groom I could not make it I would say "I told them I couldnt make it, I guess they expect me to send a gift anyway" . I think most of us would say that. I would not send an invitation to someone who told me they couldnt come because I would not want them to feel that I was expecting them to send a gift. I might tell them that if their plans change to let me know.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

You weren't actually invited. The difference is that you were going to send a gift when you assumed you were invited. I probably wouldn't. Maybe that makes me an ass, but I don't think it's a big deal.

radleyboo · December 2013

Thanks for all of your thoughts. My sister and I are probably going to just send them a gift card from our families.

Should we still send a gift?

Re: Should we still send a gift?

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