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Brothers Girlfriend...Right hand lady? "Personal Attendant"

hannah2691hannah2691 member
Name Dropper First Comment
in Moms and Maids

I'm in a tough siuation on how to involve my brothers girlsfriend in the wedding. I am trying to limit my bridesmaids to 6 because we are trying to have a smaller wedding and that already seems like alot for the ratio of guest we will have. I love her and am very close, she even went to my highschool but is older then me and technically not family yet. Along with my finace's sister and my closest friends I am at 6. He prefers not to have his sisters boyfriend so to make it even we were going to have them act as Ushers.

But I would like to involve her in the day...there have been so many awful comments about personal attendants. My mom and her are very close and I think it would work out great to have her around helping out the day of! I was planning to ask her the same way I do my bridemaids but ask her to be my "right hand lady" and stand by me on my big day. She would be involved in all the prep (hair, makeup, pictures) and I would love it if she wanted to wear a dress that was similar to the bridesmaids but maybe short instead of long!

Any Thoughts?? Please keep the b*tchy comments to your self any constructive feedback is welcome!

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Re: Brothers Girlfriend...Right hand lady? "Personal Attendant"

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Don't do it. It's a job - unless you're going to be paying her, IMO, it's crappy. Could she do a reading? You could get her a corsage, she could get ready with you if she wanted ...
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    The problem with assigning a role like this is that it comes off like a second rate position. Like, "I didn't want you to be  BM, but here's this other role..." KWIM? 

    You could ask her to do a reading, invite her dress shopping, invite her cake/menu tasting, invite her venue touring, ask for her input on stuff, put her on the guest list for shower/bach, etc. She can say no to any of that stuff and I wouldn't take it personally. But I don't think it's a good idea to give her a second rate role.
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    hannah2691 said:

    I'm in a tough siuation on how to involve my brothers girlsfriend in the wedding. I am trying to limit my bridesmaids to 6 because we are trying to have a smaller wedding and that already seems like alot for the ratio of guest we will have. I love her and am very close, she even went to my highschool but is older then me and technically not family yet. Along with my finace's sister and my closest friends I am at 6. He prefers not to have his sisters boyfriend so to make it even we were going to have them act as Ushers.

    But I would like to involve her in the day...there have been so many awful comments about personal attendants. My mom and her are very close and I think it would work out great to have her around helping out the day of! I was planning to ask her the same way I do my bridemaids but ask her to be my "right hand lady" and stand by me on my big day. She would be involved in all the prep (hair, makeup, pictures) and I would love it if she wanted to wear a dress that was similar to the bridesmaids but maybe short instead of long!

    Any Thoughts?? Please keep the b*tchy comments to your self any constructive feedback is welcome!

    To the bolded: you know it doesn't have to be even, right?  "Making the sides even" has to be the stupidest reason in the world why you wouldn't invite a person into your wedding party who you would really like to be involved.

     

    Trying to keep the wedding party small, however, is a completely valid reason to not ask another person.  For every additional BM or GM you have additional costs: flowers, gifts, etc.  If you are very close with her, ask her to do a reading.  Otherwise, just let her be a guest; if she's interested in dress shopping or anything, invite her along.  Don't make her a "personal attendant" AKA "unpaid labor."  That would NOT make me feel honored.  It would make me feel used.

    FWIW, when FI's sister got married 3 years ago, we were not engaged yet, and i had no official title in her wedding (FI and i had been together for 6 years at that point - he was the Man of Honor).  I wasn't offended.  I was in all of the family pictures (which she requested) and that was it.  I did offer to help FMIL clean up the reception hall afterwards as well.  I still had a great time.  You didn't mention if your brother is in the wedding; if he is, just make sure you are seating them together at the reception.  If she's been around long enough, she'll know plenty of people to talk to while you're off taking pictures during cocktail hour, etc.

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  • PnkBridePnkBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    Ask her to do a reading.

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  • hannah2691hannah2691 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks for the responses it helps!
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    Yeah, your current plan is going to be insulting to the max - as if declaring to the world she wasn't good enough to be a "real" bridesmaid. 


    Why can't she just be a bridesmaid if you're close? I don't get it. Otherwise, have her be a reader or an honored guest. 
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Being a guest used to be an honor.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    You do not need a bridal bitch to cater to you. You are not the Queen of England. If you want a drink then you can certainly get it yourself. This is how a job as a personal attendant is seen.

    If you want her involved then ask her to be a BM.  If you are as close as you say you are then that would be a great way to include her.  Sides do not have to be even and stop worrying about the ratio of guests to wedding party members, that is just ridiculous to worry about.

    Oh and remember just being invited to a wedding is an honor.

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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It really sounds like the two of you are close enough that she can be a BM, I would recommend really thinking about how you may feel in 5/10 years when you look back on your day and you hadn't asked her to be a BM, would you regret it? If so, ask her now, if not, you can ask her to do a reading or allow her to relax and enjoy the day as a guest. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I wouldn't consider it an honor to do errands for you and wear a dress that is almost like the people you truly care about. 




                       
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  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Agreed to the above.  My Fi's sister has requested I wear a dress of similar colors to the bridesmaids because 'I'm a seudo-bridesmaid' but can't have the role has her brother is walking her down the aisle.   It sucks and I hate it but I'm doing it to keep the peace.   In reality I think it's trashy and not only screams to me that I wasn't important enough to be a bridesmaid but now you're making me outwardly show it to everyone else that you didn't find me important enough.
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    So I had a friend with three sisters and a sister in law, and she also wanted to ask her college roommate/sorority sister to be her MOH. It was a small wedding and she already had a ton of bridesmaids. (and the family did readings).
    Me and another close friend of ours understood completely. You can't always ask everyone to be a BM.

    However before the wedding, she invited the two of us to stay the night before with her at the B&B she was staying at if we wanted to. And she invited us to get our nails done with the bridal party the next day if we wanted, and invited us to get our hair done too (and they paid for it which was so sweet).
    My friend and I offered to help her the day of the wedding and did errands. And right before the ceremony she surprised us with corsages.


    So if you really don't want more bridesmaids, just make offers to be inclusive (but don't make it seem like she's being forced), and a corsage is a really nice gesture.
    But please don't ask her to do any sort of chores if she doesn't offer or make her purchase a special outfit if she isn't getting a true position of honor.
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    stupid double posts.
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  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    Someone said invite her to cake/menu tasting. That sounds awesome to me for a job!

    I also think it's great to invite her to get ready with y'all. "Hey, would you like to join us for mimosas while we get ready?" I'm guessing she's already invited to the RD as a SO anyway, so that always is nice too.

    Unless she's a BM, don't ask her to wear anything special.

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  • peggerzzpeggerzz member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Don't do it. Your bridesmaids are there for the exact reasons that you are describing a personal attendant. I was one once on,y because I couldn't find a polite way to say no. At the end of the day I was worn out and felt slighted because the BM's and bride were gone all day doing hair/makeup and when they got to the hotel didn't bother to offer to help so that I could shower and get dressed. I nearly missed the ceremony! Make her a BM or let her just be a guest. The PA title is a slap in the face.
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  • octoberbride9octoberbride9 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    I think an honest conversation/feeling her out is a good place to start.  Every wedding I've been to has had a personal attendant for the bride, and I've been one twice.  I wasn't offended at all, although it was an exhausting day.  I like helping out a friend, and if that's what I can do for her on her day, I think it's great.  So often bridesmaids are worried about their own dresses, hair, etc.
    You could start the conversation (open minded) by asking her if she has thoughts on how she'd like to be involved.  She may be more comfortable "behind the scenes" than up in front of others doing a reading, but you may not know until you ask her.
    Just a thought....

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  • netskyblue2netskyblue2 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Just invite her to spend the "getting ready" time with you & your BMs?  I'm not having BMs but I'm getting ready in a hotel room, and I'll have my mom & sisters in there with me.  I dunno, maybe it would be weird if she were the only non-BM in the bunch.

    At my sister's wedding, we spent a good couple of hours in the "ready room" before the ceremony, getting our hair done, eating lunch, etc.  Just some downtime.  My aunt stopped in for a bit, one of my sister's good friends from church came up to say a prayer with her before going back downstairs to be seated (they're big on out-loud praying), that kind of thing.
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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    octoberbride9 said:
    I think an honest conversation/feeling her out is a good place to start.  Every wedding I've been to has had a personal attendant for the bride, and I've been one twice.  I wasn't offended at all, although it was an exhausting day.  I like helping out a friend, and if that's what I can do for her on her day, I think it's great.  So often bridesmaids are worried about their own dresses, hair, etc.
    You could start the conversation (open minded) by asking her if she has thoughts on how she'd like to be involved.  She may be more comfortable "behind the scenes" than up in front of others doing a reading, but you may not know until you ask her.
    Just a thought....

    I hope these personal attendants were hired help.  I am having BMs but the closest thing to an "attendant" I'm having is a DOC whom I am paying, obviously.
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    octoberbride9 said:
    I think an honest conversation/feeling her out is a good place to start.  Every wedding I've been to has had a personal attendant for the bride, and I've been one twice.  I wasn't offended at all, although it was an exhausting day.  I like helping out a friend, and if that's what I can do for her on her day, I think it's great.  So often bridesmaids are worried about their own dresses, hair, etc.
    You could start the conversation (open minded) by asking her if she has thoughts on how she'd like to be involved.  She may be more comfortable "behind the scenes" than up in front of others doing a reading, but you may not know until you ask her.
    Just a thought....

    I've only been to two weddings with PA.
    The first one I was looking in the program and was asking to myself "What on earth is a personal attendant? Is it an also-ran bridesmaid?"
    The second wedding was my SILs. I wasn't in the wedding but I had to hang out at the church really early since my then-FI was the best man. I just remember there was this girl running around doing a bunch of things for the bridesmaids and she just looked exhausted by the time the wedding started. I felt really bad for the gal.

    Personal attendant really seems like nothing more to me than "I don't like you enough to be a bridesmaid, but I hope to trick you into doing work for me by giving you a fake title of 'honor.'"
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