Wedding Etiquette Forum

Losing a family member before the wedding

My fiancé recently lost his dad to cancer. I asked him if he wanted to postpone the wedding but he still wants to get married in 3 months. How can we include his dad's memory in our ceremony and reception without making it another memorial? He was and still a big part of our lives. I just don't want to make people feel sad again at our wedding.
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Re: Losing a family member before the wedding

  • I'm sorry for your fiance's loss.  You can include an "in memory of" section in your programs, and include pictures of your fiance's dad from his wedding, or other family pics, on a table near the guest books. 
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I personally lost all of my grandparents during our engagement.  It was very hard and delayed our initial planning.  I also wanted to incorporate my grandparents without making everyone feel sad (including myself).  Here's what we did:
    • Held our reception at the same venue that my paternal grandmom & granddad had their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal and party
    • Wore my grandmom's original garter from her wedding
    • Pinned my maternal grandmom's medallion that she wore every day to my bouquet
    • Displayed our parents and grandparents wedding pictures on our escort card table (this was actually my venue's suggestion)
    This all worked very well for us.  It was our personal memorial to my grandparents without reminding the rest of my family that they were missing.
    [Deleted User]RebeccaB88[Deleted User]PhoneCardLady
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I would include him in the program and have him mentioned during the ceremony. 
  • I'm sorry for your loss...

    I lost my dear Grandfather 4 days before our wedding.  We went ahead with our day because that's what we felt he would have wanted.  H and I did not do programs or a memorial candle, we simply had our minister mention him and how important he was and offered a lovely prayer.  

    I'm sure whatever you choose to do will be just fine, good luck with the rest of your planning.  
    image
    Meddied since 6/15/13!
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm so sorry for your FI's loss.

    You can give his father a tribute in a wedding program.  You can also provide food, drink, decorations, and entertainment that your FI's father would have enjoyed, and he can wear or carry something associated with his father.
    doeydo
  • I lost my mom two years prior to my wedding. My father had several ideas on how we could honor my mother's memory, but at one point in the planning, it started to feel like my wedding would turn into more of a memorial service leaving me sobbing the entire night for the wrong reasons. Here was what we ended up doing in her memory, and it was just enough to feel like we were honoring her without having it overcome the spirit of the event:

    - I took her wedding veil (unwearable due to a hole in it and the flowerchild lace designs) and I sewed it into a chuppah covering.

    - My father built our chuppah in memory of my mom.

    - We had a bouquet on an empty seat in the fromt row.

    - In our programs, I wrote a quote that people could easily tell was directed toward her.

    - my father and i did our dance to my mom's favorite song.

    - my bouquet had her favorite brooch on it.

    - had a large framed photo of my mom at her wedding day with us, but we kept it in the room while we were getting our hair/makeup done to feel like she was sortof there. We did not display the photo at the wedding becuase we did not want to make ourselves and everyone else sob.

    RebeccaB88
  • kmmssg said:

    I lost my parents as a child and 2 of my 3 brothers later as an adult.

    I IMPLORE you - ask the rest of the family what they would feel comfortable with - to inlude nothing.  If I lost my husband 3 months before my child's wedding I would not want anything mentioned as I am already dealing with his glaring absence at what should be a joyous occasion.  Bringing his absence/death right in front of me is likely to reduce me to a sobbing mess.

    Talk to FFIL's wife, any kids, siblings, and parents, if they are still living.  All of them have a definite emotional challenge to stay happy and enjoy the wedding when their very close loved one has just passed on.

    Leave the decision to them so no one is unpleasantly surprised by a very well intentioned effort.

    This is really great advice. I would definitely run by any ideas VIPs since like you said, you definitely don't want to make it a memorial. I agree with PPs that memorials should be subtle- an empty chair with flowers is about as subtle as a mac truck.

    I am so sorry for your loss. 
    [Deleted User]
  • I lost my dad very suddenly in November.  FI lost his July 2011.  Although I would probably veer towards a personal, discreet touch only (i.e. putting a handkerchief from my in my bouquet, already using a ring of his dad's as his band), FI has asked for a moment of silence to honor them and some others who have passed. 

    I think it is important it be pretty simple...I'd find the empty seat thing too much (for me to look at and for the tone overall).  I like a note in the program and not a ton of extra beyond that.

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  • clg1213 said:

    I lost my dad very suddenly in November.  FI lost his July 2011.  Although I would probably veer towards a personal, discreet touch only (i.e. putting a handkerchief from my in my bouquet, already using a ring of his dad's as his band), FI has asked for a moment of silence to honor them and some others who have passed. 

    I think it is important it be pretty simple...I'd find the empty seat thing too much (for me to look at and for the tone overall).  I like a note in the program and not a ton of extra beyond that.

    Having done the "empty seat thing", I agree with you. It was alot to handle, even a couple years after the loss. My sister/MOH who rarely cries in public was visibly upset by it during the ceremony, and my uncle who sat next to it was also a bit shaken up.
  • I carried my parents wedding rings tied in my bouquet in remembrance of my father.  We made no other mention and I doubt most guests realized the rings were there, it was just a comforting touch for me personally. 
  • I'm so very sorry for you loss. I'm sure that whatever you do, it will work for you.
    I lost my dad a couple months before my FI and I got engaged. We are putting a mention in the wedding program of him and all our other close relatives who have passed, and in honor of the father / daughter dance I am playing me and my dad's song to a video of some pictures.
    Good luck with your planning and again, I am sorry for your loss.
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm sorry for your FI's loss.  My FI's mom passed away from cancer in May, and we are getting married this weekend.  My advice is to memorialize your FI's dad the way your FI would like and to check with immediate family to make sure they are okay with your choice. 

    We are having a small table set up with a picture of FI's mom and a picture of his mom and a small sign to honor her.  FI will also have a teal ribbon on his bout, as his mom had ovarian cancer and she loved the teal ribbon symbol.

    FI's sister was married a month after their mom passed.  She had an arrangement set up in her mom's memory, mentioned the arrangement in the program, and set a flower on an empty seat for her mom.

    On a personal level, when it gets close to your wedding day, acknowledge your FI's  feelings of loss, as it will be hard for him.  I know my FI has struggled, especially now that we are two days away and family is starting to arrive, because his mom is not here.  As much as I want the occasion to be all about happiness and joy, I have done my best to support him and acknowledge how much he wishes she were here. 

     

    Best wishes!

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    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I'm sorry for your FI's loss.  My FI's mom passed away from cancer in May, and we are getting married this weekend.  My advice is to memorialize your FI's dad the way your FI would like and to check with immediate family to make sure they are okay with your choice. 

    We are having a small table set up with a picture of FI's mom and a picture of his mom and a small sign to honor her.  FI will also have a teal ribbon on his bout, as his mom had ovarian cancer and she loved the teal ribbon symbol.

    FI's sister was married a month after their mom passed.  She had an arrangement set up in her mom's memory, mentioned the arrangement in the program, and set a flower on an empty seat for her mom.

    On a personal level, when it gets close to your wedding day, acknowledge your FI's  feelings of loss, as it will be hard for him.  I know my FI has struggled, especially now that we are two days away and family is starting to arrive, because his mom is not here.  As much as I want the occasion to be all about happiness and joy, I have done my best to support him and acknowledge how much he wishes she were here. 

     

    Best wishes!

    I personally would find the cancer ribbon and flower/photo on an empty seat to be a little too macabre for a wedding.  There are many wonderful ways to remember a deceased loved one at a wedding, several of which you describe otherwise in your post, but you don't want the "memorials" to seem too much like a funeral.
  • Jen4948 said:

    I'm sorry for your FI's loss.  My FI's mom passed away from cancer in May, and we are getting married this weekend.  My advice is to memorialize your FI's dad the way your FI would like and to check with immediate family to make sure they are okay with your choice. 

    We are having a small table set up with a picture of FI's mom and a picture of his mom and a small sign to honor her.  FI will also have a teal ribbon on his bout, as his mom had ovarian cancer and she loved the teal ribbon symbol.

    FI's sister was married a month after their mom passed.  She had an arrangement set up in her mom's memory, mentioned the arrangement in the program, and set a flower on an empty seat for her mom.

    On a personal level, when it gets close to your wedding day, acknowledge your FI's  feelings of loss, as it will be hard for him.  I know my FI has struggled, especially now that we are two days away and family is starting to arrive, because his mom is not here.  As much as I want the occasion to be all about happiness and joy, I have done my best to support him and acknowledge how much he wishes she were here. 

     

    Best wishes!

    I personally would find the cancer ribbon and flower/photo on an empty seat to be a little too macabre for a wedding.  There are many wonderful ways to remember a deceased loved one at a wedding, several of which you describe otherwise in your post, but you don't want the "memorials" to seem too much like a funeral.
    I think it's important that the bride and groom memorialize that loved one the way they would want to. Everyone will know that it is still a wedding. There's many differences between a wedding and a funeral, even if that wedding has some memorial aspects to it. This will make the day just that much more meaningful.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:

    I'm sorry for your FI's loss.  My FI's mom passed away from cancer in May, and we are getting married this weekend.  My advice is to memorialize your FI's dad the way your FI would like and to check with immediate family to make sure they are okay with your choice. 

    We are having a small table set up with a picture of FI's mom and a picture of his mom and a small sign to honor her.  FI will also have a teal ribbon on his bout, as his mom had ovarian cancer and she loved the teal ribbon symbol.

    FI's sister was married a month after their mom passed.  She had an arrangement set up in her mom's memory, mentioned the arrangement in the program, and set a flower on an empty seat for her mom.

    On a personal level, when it gets close to your wedding day, acknowledge your FI's  feelings of loss, as it will be hard for him.  I know my FI has struggled, especially now that we are two days away and family is starting to arrive, because his mom is not here.  As much as I want the occasion to be all about happiness and joy, I have done my best to support him and acknowledge how much he wishes she were here. 

     

    Best wishes!

    I personally would find the cancer ribbon and flower/photo on an empty seat to be a little too macabre for a wedding.  There are many wonderful ways to remember a deceased loved one at a wedding, several of which you describe otherwise in your post, but you don't want the "memorials" to seem too much like a funeral.
    I think it's important that the bride and groom memorialize that loved one the way they would want to. Everyone will know that it is still a wedding. There's many differences between a wedding and a funeral, even if that wedding has some memorial aspects to it. This will make the day just that much more meaningful.
    But supposing "the way they would want to" does resemble a funeral, with lots of empty chairs, photos, and crying?  They invited their guests to a happy occasion-not to grieve for the dead.

    We advise that memorials to deceased loved ones be subtle for this reason, so as not to call undue attention to the reason the deceased is no longer with us.  Weddings are not memorial services for the dead-they are meant to be celebrations of life and a new union.  The "everyone will know that it is still a wedding" just doesn't matter when there are too many reminders about of grief and loss-it doesn't matter what else it is at that point because it's become too sad.

    So, regardless of how the bride and groom want to memorialize that loved one, I think they do owe their guests the courtesy of not doing it in particularly grief-evocative ways.  Things like giving them tributes in a wedding program, wearing or carrying something affiliated with the deceased, and providing food, drink, decorations, and entertainment are all nice, subtle ways of doing this.  But empty chairs and moments of silence are not subtle-they're "in your face" grieving.
    southernbelle0915aurorajanette
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:

    I'm sorry for your FI's loss.  My FI's mom passed away from cancer in May, and we are getting married this weekend.  My advice is to memorialize your FI's dad the way your FI would like and to check with immediate family to make sure they are okay with your choice. 

    We are having a small table set up with a picture of FI's mom and a picture of his mom and a small sign to honor her.  FI will also have a teal ribbon on his bout, as his mom had ovarian cancer and she loved the teal ribbon symbol.

    FI's sister was married a month after their mom passed.  She had an arrangement set up in her mom's memory, mentioned the arrangement in the program, and set a flower on an empty seat for her mom.

    On a personal level, when it gets close to your wedding day, acknowledge your FI's  feelings of loss, as it will be hard for him.  I know my FI has struggled, especially now that we are two days away and family is starting to arrive, because his mom is not here.  As much as I want the occasion to be all about happiness and joy, I have done my best to support him and acknowledge how much he wishes she were here. 

     

    Best wishes!

    I personally would find the cancer ribbon and flower/photo on an empty seat to be a little too macabre for a wedding.  There are many wonderful ways to remember a deceased loved one at a wedding, several of which you describe otherwise in your post, but you don't want the "memorials" to seem too much like a funeral.
    I think it's important that the bride and groom memorialize that loved one the way they would want to. Everyone will know that it is still a wedding. There's many differences between a wedding and a funeral, even if that wedding has some memorial aspects to it. This will make the day just that much more meaningful.
    But supposing "the way they would want to" does resemble a funeral, with lots of empty chairs, photos, and crying?  They invited their guests to a happy occasion-not to grieve for the dead.

    We advise that memorials to deceased loved ones be subtle for this reason, so as not to call undue attention to the reason the deceased is no longer with us.  Weddings are not memorial services for the dead-they are meant to be celebrations of life and a new union.  The "everyone will know that it is still a wedding" just doesn't matter when there are too many reminders about of grief and loss-it doesn't matter what else it is at that point because it's become too sad.

    So, regardless of how the bride and groom want to memorialize that loved one, I think they do owe their guests the courtesy of not doing it in particularly grief-evocative ways.  Things like giving them tributes in a wedding program, wearing or carrying something affiliated with the deceased, and providing food, drink, decorations, and entertainment are all nice, subtle ways of doing this.  But empty chairs and moments of silence are not subtle-they're "in your face" grieving.
    I'm sorry, but I think you are being a little bit insensitive about this. Please realize when it comes to situations like this, a grieving bride or groom isn't going to care what the guests think about their memorial aspects in their wedding. I lost my dad this summer, and we are giving him a mention in the program, but also doing a video that plays to our song in honor of the father and daughter dance. If any of my guests have a problem with this, then I really don't want them there anyway. If empty chairs and moments of silence are how the bride and groom wish to honor their loved one, then they may do so. Again, they're not having a full blown funeral service. They are honoring their lost loved one, and their loved one deserves that much. Also coming from personal experiences, this makes the wedding that much more meaningful. So you cry a little, okay. But honestly, weddings already make some people cry anyway. It is a happy time and celebration, but the bride and groom aren't going to want to ignore their lost loved one.
    [Deleted User]orwhatuwill[Deleted User]
  • I think you can have that memorial aspect without being insensitive to your guests. You don't have to set the tone as funeral-ish, it can just be a beautiful celebration of life for those who were not able to be there on the wedding day. I lost my older sister to cancer not quite two months ago, my grandfather earlier this year, and my fiance lost his grandfather earlier this year as well. At our wedding in 2015 we are going to honor them by simply having a favorite photo of each on a side table at the reception with a candle lit for each one. If my guests think this is morbid or too "dark" for a wedding, then I'm sorry they feel that way but to me it's a beautiful way to honor our loved ones. There will be no moment of silence, no passages read, just a subtle display that to us is very important. And yes, it might make us sad to walk by and see these photos of people we so wish could be there with us, but I will also be so happy that I was able to think of them on my wedding day even if they aren't physically there.

    @jen4948 I agree with many of your points - it should be done tastefully and knowing that there should be a funeral or service that addresses the loss in a proper, grieving manner... and not trying to combine a funeral with your wedding ceremony by way of highlighting the absences and bringing the grieving to the forefront. 

    To each their own. Everyone has varying degrees of sensitivity/insensitivity.
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    bmydesigner[Deleted User]
  • I'm not really name-calling you @jen4948 all's I said was I think you are being a little insensitive about this. I'm asking to put yourself in the situation of a bride and groom grieving and maybe you would feel differently. It would be hard to give a really good opinion on this subject without having a whole lot of personal experience with the matter, and that's any subject really. Everyone does things differently, that's fine. I'm not saying to have a whole funeral at a wedding, I completely understand that a wedding is a happy thing and very separate from a funeral. But however the bride and groom wants to honor their loved ones is completely up to them, and also the close family members as well. The bride and groom should not have to worry about being insensitive to their guests, because their guests are not the ones grieving.
    BostonLilly12s-aries8990[Deleted User]
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We had planned to do very subtle remembrances of my dad only. We had already had a funeral, and we wanted a celebration that would have been the type of celebration that he would have been proud to host. I was going to have his initials and a favorite quote embroidered in the bodice of my dress (close to my heart), use his hanky on my bouquet, wear an heirloom jewelry piece from his family, and serve his favorite drink as our signature drink at our reception.
  • We had planned to do very subtle remembrances of my dad only. We had already had a funeral, and we wanted a celebration that would have been the type of celebration that he would have been proud to host. I was going to have his initials and a favorite quote embroidered in the bodice of my dress (close to my heart), use his hanky on my bouquet, wear an heirloom jewelry piece from his family, and serve his favorite drink as our signature drink at our reception.
    I really like what you planned.  It's a great way to remember your father on your wedding day without making your guests grieve all over again.

    virdi17 you should see what your FI wants to do.  Maybe he could wear one of his dad's watches or cuff links or carry his handkerchief.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    I'm not really name-calling you @jen4948 all's I said was I think you are being a little insensitive about this. I'm asking to put yourself in the situation of a bride and groom grieving and maybe you would feel differently. It would be hard to give a really good opinion on this subject without having a whole lot of personal experience with the matter, and that's any subject really. Everyone does things differently, that's fine. I'm not saying to have a whole funeral at a wedding, I completely understand that a wedding is a happy thing and very separate from a funeral. But however the bride and groom wants to honor their loved ones is completely up to them, and also the close family members as well. The bride and groom should not have to worry about being insensitive to their guests, because their guests are not the ones grieving.
    Sorry, but even if I were in the situation of a grieving bride and groom, the bolded is important too.  And for a bride and groom not to worry about being insensitive to their guests is the height of lack of consideration. 

    The plain fact is that if the bride and groom want to care only about what they themselves think and feel, they need not to invite anyone else.  As soon as they do, it is no longer "their day" to do with whatever they want.  In fact, as hosts, the guests' needs become paramount-not something they can dismiss with "well, they're not grieving, so who gives a ---- about their needs?"

    Wedding guests need not to grieve or be deluged with reminders of loss and suffering.  So the "remembrances" need to be subtle and not in-your-face.  If a couple needs in-your-face memorials to their deceased, then I think they need to postpone their wedding until they are ready to move on and make their wedding a happy occasion without them.
    audubonbride2013aurorajanette
  • Jen4948 said:
    I'm not really name-calling you @jen4948 all's I said was I think you are being a little insensitive about this. I'm asking to put yourself in the situation of a bride and groom grieving and maybe you would feel differently. It would be hard to give a really good opinion on this subject without having a whole lot of personal experience with the matter, and that's any subject really. Everyone does things differently, that's fine. I'm not saying to have a whole funeral at a wedding, I completely understand that a wedding is a happy thing and very separate from a funeral. But however the bride and groom wants to honor their loved ones is completely up to them, and also the close family members as well. The bride and groom should not have to worry about being insensitive to their guests, because their guests are not the ones grieving.
    Sorry, but even if I were in the situation of a grieving bride and groom, the bolded is important too.  And for a bride and groom not to worry about being insensitive to their guests is the height of lack of consideration. 

    The plain fact is that if the bride and groom want to care only about what they themselves think and feel, they need not to invite anyone else.  As soon as they do, it is no longer "their day" to do with whatever they want.  In fact, as hosts, the guests' needs become paramount-not something they can dismiss with "well, they're not grieving, so who gives a ---- about their needs?"

    Wedding guests need not to grieve or be deluged with reminders of loss and suffering.  So the "remembrances" need to be subtle and not in-your-face.  If a couple needs in-your-face memorials to their deceased, then I think they need to postpone their wedding until they are ready to move on and make their wedding a happy occasion without them.
    No, don't say even if you were in the situation. Until you've actually experience something like this, you do not know how it is. I'm not saying for the bride and groom to not care about what their guests would think about every little thing, but this subject - yeah, I'm sorry it doesn't matter. 
    What, because I'm grieving suddenly means that I'm not ready for a marriage? I'm not sure if you have ever experienced a loved one dying before, but you never really "move on." There will always be times when you miss them and feel just as sad as you did the day you found out. 
    My wedding is going to be a very happy occasion. But I'm not going to ignore the fact that my dad is no longer here, and his close relatives all agree with what I am doing. I didn't want to give up the father / daughter dance or dance with someone else, it just didn't feel right. So the video is just a nice way of remembering his life, and I will be happy to remember him on my special day. It's not about grieving that he is gone at the wedding, it is about remembering our relationship during what would be the father daughter dance.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I'm not really name-calling you @jen4948 all's I said was I think you are being a little insensitive about this. I'm asking to put yourself in the situation of a bride and groom grieving and maybe you would feel differently. It would be hard to give a really good opinion on this subject without having a whole lot of personal experience with the matter, and that's any subject really. Everyone does things differently, that's fine. I'm not saying to have a whole funeral at a wedding, I completely understand that a wedding is a happy thing and very separate from a funeral. But however the bride and groom wants to honor their loved ones is completely up to them, and also the close family members as well. The bride and groom should not have to worry about being insensitive to their guests, because their guests are not the ones grieving.
    Sorry, but even if I were in the situation of a grieving bride and groom, the bolded is important too.  And for a bride and groom not to worry about being insensitive to their guests is the height of lack of consideration. 

    The plain fact is that if the bride and groom want to care only about what they themselves think and feel, they need not to invite anyone else.  As soon as they do, it is no longer "their day" to do with whatever they want.  In fact, as hosts, the guests' needs become paramount-not something they can dismiss with "well, they're not grieving, so who gives a ---- about their needs?"

    Wedding guests need not to grieve or be deluged with reminders of loss and suffering.  So the "remembrances" need to be subtle and not in-your-face.  If a couple needs in-your-face memorials to their deceased, then I think they need to postpone their wedding until they are ready to move on and make their wedding a happy occasion without them.
    No, don't say even if you were in the situation. Until you've actually experience something like this, you do not know how it is. I'm not saying for the bride and groom to not care about what their guests would think about every little thing, but this subject - yeah, I'm sorry it doesn't matter. 
    What, because I'm grieving suddenly means that I'm not ready for a marriage? I'm not sure if you have ever experienced a loved one dying before, but you never really "move on." There will always be times when you miss them and feel just as sad as you did the day you found out. 
    My wedding is going to be a very happy occasion. But I'm not going to ignore the fact that my dad is no longer here, and his close relatives all agree with what I am doing. I didn't want to give up the father / daughter dance or dance with someone else, it just didn't feel right. So the video is just a nice way of remembering his life, and I will be happy to remember him on my special day. It's not about grieving that he is gone at the wedding, it is about remembering our relationship during what would be the father daughter dance.
    Nobody on this forum "has to be in the situation" to respond or have an opinion, whether you think it is "insensitive" or not.

    The OP asked her question and solicited opinions in a public forum-meaning that some people are not going to agree.  You have no right to expect everyone to agree with you-let alone call them "insensitive" because you think they may or may not have been in exactly that situation.  Whether I've been in the situation is none of your business and is in fact irrelevant.
  • Well, this is kind of a sensitive topic. And although I agree that yes, this is a public forum and anyone is allowed to give their opinion - subjects like this should be handled gracefully. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and I expect the same of you. I do not automatically think someone who has not been in that situation is insensitive to the subject. It all depends on how they handle the situation. In this case, I disagree with how you would handle this situation. Which is fine, life will always have its disagreements. I just wanted to try to point out to you that sometimes, in certain special cases like this, it is more important to keep in mind of what the bride and groom want and not necessarily what the guests would want.
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