Cash Bar vs. Open Bar - What Your Friends Are Saying

LakeR2014 · December 2013

This weekend at a party we were discussing my up coming wedding and someone asked if we were having an Open Bar - and I replied to the affirmative, this is how the rest of the conversation basically went:

Friend: 'Oh good! We went to a wedding recently where they had a limited bar for cocktail hour (aka bride and groom supplied only enough beer and wine to last through cocktail hour) and Cash afterwards it was horrific!"
Other friend who went to same wedding: 'Oh man was it insane."
Me: 'Ok, why?
Friends reply: 'People found out about the bar situation a few days before the wedding through chatter and there was a rush to the bar at cocktail hour to get drinks. People brought flasks and there was a discussion at our table about how everyone gave a little less of a gift in their card because of the Cash Bar.'
Me: Really? There was a rush and a discussion on it?
Friends: Yes! No one was an alcoholic but people traveled and weren't expecting it, so people only brought the money for the gift, but still wanted to drink at the wedding so they just lessened the gift.

And to boot apparently drinks were upwards of $9 a piece after the provided beer and wine was gone. I'm not a fan of the flasks or rush to the bar, but can understand it happening and feel it would've been better to not have a bar at all if this was how you were going to host it.

antibride2013 · December 2013

I went to a wedding like this. No one would have dreamed the couple would have a cash bar, but they did. I would say about 80% of the guests actually went and got the money out of the couples card to pay for their drinks! It was very funny and the bride had a HUGE hissy fit when she found out her wedding gifts were taken back.

afox007 · December 2013

I just sent this to FI who doesn't understand why I refuse to have a cash bar.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

antibride2013 said:

I went to a wedding like this. No one would have dreamed the couple would have a cash bar, but they did. I would say about 80% of the guests actually went and got the money out of the couples card to pay for their drinks! It was very funny and the bride had a HUGE hissy fit when she found out her wedding gifts were taken back.

I remember your post on this. Did anything else happen? I remember you said the bride demanded her mom get the envelopes so no one else could take more money out.

photokitty · December 2013

PS - your friends are actually saying far worse about you behind your bar when you have a cash bar. This is just what they say when they have had a month to get over it and are happy the next wedding will not have the same offensive and rude faux pas.

Nothing torques me like a cash bar and bride in a designer dress! I don't care how pretty you look if you are a bad host!

orwhatuwill · December 2013

Just out of curiosity, where are you folks from?

KatWAG · December 2013

I would be one of those people who would rush the bar and then hoard the extra drinks at my table.

Cash bars/ bait and switches are the worst!

photokitty · December 2013

orwhatuwill said:

Just out of curiosity, where are you folks from?

I'm from Ohio, but we've discussed this at nauseum - it doesn't matter where you live, cash bars are not properly hosting your guests regardless of what is socially acceptable in your circle or neighborhood. If you can't afford to host alcohol, don't have it. Dry wedding, limited bar, open bar = properly hosting. Cash bar for any or all of the drinks =/ = properly hosting.

And I am not trying to attack you or be mean, I promise.

Just explaining fully my answer.

You wouldn't serve dinner at your wedding and offer to add a lobster tail for $12 cash. That's what you're doing with a cash bar.

KickAssMOH · December 2013

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

audubonbride2013 · December 2013

photokitty said:

orwhatuwill said:

Just out of curiosity, where are you folks from?

I'm from Ohio, but we've discussed this at nauseum - it doesn't matter where you live, cash bars are not properly hosting your guests regardless of what is socially acceptable in your circle or neighborhood. If you can't afford to host alcohol, don't have it. Dry wedding, limited bar, open bar = properly hosting. Cash bar for any or all of the drinks =/ = properly hosting.

And I am not trying to attack you or be mean, I promise. Just explaining fully my answer.
You wouldn't serve dinner at your wedding and offer to add a lobster tail for $12 cash. That's what you're doing with a cash bar.

This. I'm originally from the Philly area, but now live in the DC area. Regardless it's rude to not properly host your guests (ie have a cash bar) and your guests would definitely judge you for a cash bar. Guests should not have to open their wallets at all at your wedding.

Inkdancer · December 2013

KickAssMOH said:

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if you knew you were going to a wedding where alcohol would not be provided?

ETA: By which I mean a totally dry wedding, not a "I'm not buying booze but you can buy it yourself".

ei34 · December 2013

I attended a wedding last year that had an open bar at cocktail hour and then a cash bar during the reception. My friends and I all agreed we wish we'd know because we would've chugged or hoarded drinks during cocktails lol. The bait and switch definitely left a bad taste in my mouth.

NYCBruin · December 2013

Inkdancer said:

KickAssMOH said:

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if you knew you were going to a wedding where alcohol would not be provided?

ETA: By which I mean a totally dry wedding, not a "I'm not buying booze but you can buy it yourself".

I am happy to attend a dry wedding. I can happily spend a morning/afternoon/evening celebrating without a drink.

What gets annoying is when OTHER people (who brought money) get to drink and I don't. It's not fun being the only sober person.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

Inkdancer said:

KickAssMOH said:

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if you knew you were going to a wedding where alcohol would not be provided?

ETA: By which I mean a totally dry wedding, not a "I'm not buying booze but you can buy it yourself".

I am happy to attend a dry wedding. I can happily spend a morning/afternoon/evening celebrating without a drink.

What gets annoying is when OTHER people (who brought money) get to drink and I don't. It's not fun being the only sober person.

This. I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, thank God. I've been to plenty with just wine and beer, and one wedding that was dry but hosted with lovely NA options. I don't mind not drinking, or drinking only what is provided. I WOULD mind if there is a financial line drawn between guests with disposable cash on hand and those without.

KickAssMOH · December 2013

Inkdancer said:

KickAssMOH said:

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if you knew you were going to a wedding where alcohol would not be provided?

ETA: By which I mean a totally dry wedding, not a "I'm not buying booze but you can buy it yourself".

I have never been invited to a dry wedding before. (Truthfully, I cannot imagine anyone from my family or circle of friends having one.) I would happilly respect any couple's choice to have a dry wedding, and I do not have any issues dancing and having a fun time while sober. I DO, however, have an issue spending $150 on someone's cash bar when I'm giving the same amount as a gift.

Inkdancer · December 2013

@NYCBruin @JCBride2014 Thanks! I want to have a dry wedding. At another wedding we attended, some of my friends cracked jokes about sneaking booze into dry weddings and I hope to heaven they weren't serious.

LakeR2014 · December 2013

audubonbride2013 said:

photokitty said:

orwhatuwill said:

Just out of curiosity, where are you folks from?

I'm from Ohio, but we've discussed this at nauseum - it doesn't matter where you live, cash bars are not properly hosting your guests regardless of what is socially acceptable in your circle or neighborhood. If you can't afford to host alcohol, don't have it. Dry wedding, limited bar, open bar = properly hosting. Cash bar for any or all of the drinks =/ = properly hosting.

And I am not trying to attack you or be mean, I promise. Just explaining fully my answer.
You wouldn't serve dinner at your wedding and offer to add a lobster tail for $12 cash. That's what you're doing with a cash bar.

This. I'm originally from the Philly area, but now live in the DC area. Regardless it's rude to not properly host your guests (ie have a cash bar) and your guests would definitely judge you for a cash bar. Guests should not have to open their wallets at all at your wedding.

THIS!!!! (I'd bold it twice if I could.) This is the best example as to why it's wrong. People should not have to open their wallets at any point for a party YOUR hosting.

Inkdancer · December 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Inkdancer said:

KickAssMOH said:

My friends and I all plan ahead with nips in our purses when we are attending a cash bar wedding (in typing it out, i now realize how trashy that sounds...whoops). I definitely give less of a gift if the wedding is NOT an open bar, and I know that that is how the rest of my friends gift as well.

Out of curiosity, what would you do if you knew you were going to a wedding where alcohol would not be provided?

ETA: By which I mean a totally dry wedding, not a "I'm not buying booze but you can buy it yourself".

I have never been invited to a dry wedding before. (Truthfully, I cannot imagine anyone from my family or circle of friends having one.) I would happilly respect any couple's choice to have a dry wedding, and I do not have any issues dancing and having a fun time while sober. I DO, however, have an issue spending $150 on someone's cash bar when I'm giving the same amount as a gift.

Can't fault you there!

antibride2013 · December 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

antibride2013 said:

I went to a wedding like this. No one would have dreamed the couple would have a cash bar, but they did. I would say about 80% of the guests actually went and got the money out of the couples card to pay for their drinks! It was very funny and the bride had a HUGE hissy fit when she found out her wedding gifts were taken back.
I remember your post on this. Did anything else happen? I remember you said the bride demanded her mom get the envelopes so no one else could take more money out.

Yes her mom ended up picking up the remainder of the cards, we could hear the bride screaming in the back of the venue. We left right after dinner, it was too weird. The couple wanted to send out letters apologizing, but including a self address envelope, so the guests would reconsider and give the couple back their gifts. I think they realized that was a VERY BAD idea, but I never heard what happened next, so I don't know!

audubonbride2013 · December 2013

antibride2013 said:

OliveOilsMom said:

antibride2013 said:

I went to a wedding like this. No one would have dreamed the couple would have a cash bar, but they did. I would say about 80% of the guests actually went and got the money out of the couples card to pay for their drinks! It was very funny and the bride had a HUGE hissy fit when she found out her wedding gifts were taken back.
I remember your post on this. Did anything else happen? I remember you said the bride demanded her mom get the envelopes so no one else could take more money out.
Yes her mom ended up picking up the remainder of the cards, we could hear the bride screaming in the back of the venue. We left right after dinner, it was too weird. The couple wanted to send out letters apologizing, but including a self address envelope, so the guests would reconsider and give the couple back their gifts. I think they realized that was a VERY BAD idea, but I never heard what happened next, so I don't know!

That sounds crazy and uncomfortable! I definitely would have left after dinner like you did.

photokitty · December 2013

If a wedding is dry, I'm cool with that. I just might not stay until 11pm or midnight if it is an evening wedding.

I was once at a dry LUNCH wedding, and much to my horror, a number of my college friends went to the wedding in the next room and bought drinks from the cash bar and brought them back to the dry wedding. The family chose to have a dry wedding bc a relative had been killed by a drunk driver. Even more rude than the couple next door having a cash bar in MHO!

I can totally respect people's reasons for having a dry wedding. But I am less little likely to stay all night dancing at a dry one.

Inkdancer · December 2013

We are having a dry wedding because of alcohol abuse in the family. We're also having a lunchtime wedding in a chapel, so it seems a little weird to stick a bar up at the altar.

I can't believe people would go next door and crash somebody else's wedding just to get a drink!

photokitty · December 2013

Inkdancer said:

We are having a dry wedding because of alcohol abuse in the family. We're also having a lunchtime wedding in a chapel, so it seems a little weird to stick a bar up at the altar.

I can't believe people would go next door and crash somebody else's wedding just to get a drink!

I know right?!?! I think what you are planning sounds lovely. And a very good reason - but even if it was just because you didn't want to serve it - I would still respect your choice

I have been to a few dry lunch weddings, and honestly I wouldn't have wanted to drink at them anyway. I've never been to a dry night time wedding and I hope never to ;-p

wrigleyville · December 2013

I'm always confused by cash bars. As in, you had enough money for your dress, this venue, these flowers, that cake, that invitation I received, and the dinner I'm eating, but you expect me to pay for alcohol? What?

If you honestly can't afford it, have a dry wedding. If it's dry, I'll assume you either a) don't drink, which is fine or b) can't afford an alcohol package, which is also okay. Charging your guests is not okay. I don't see how that's a middle ground of any kind. If people are upset because you had a dry wedding, that's their problem, not yours.

photokitty · December 2013

elBecko said:

I have a great cash bar story... went to a wedding this summer and in the program there is, I kid you not, a cutesy poem about the cash bar. I can't make this up. It basically said that wine was free but signature drinks weren't (those were the only options). So I go up and get my glass of wine, and was charged $6. I found out later that the couple had brought in a few bottles of their favorite wine (like 6 bottles for 80+ people) and guests who got wine from those bottles didn't have to pay, but once those were gone the bartenders just used wine the venue provided, and charged accordingly.

So, yeah, there were some not-so-nice comments muttered about the couple, at least from my table. Most people got up and left immediately after dinner, and I noticed a few took their cards back with them.

(BTW, this was a PPD)

So rude, but I can never get behind taking your gift back. Two rudes, don't make a polite. I would be upset, but I would not stoop to the level of the B&G just bc I was upset about a tacky cash bar.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

I kind of wonder if the prevalence of rude behaviour at weddings is also the driving force behind the increasing popularity of sending gifts after the wedding.

I wonder if people have been burned so many times by rude brides and grooms that they wait to attend the wedding and see if they're properly hosted before they give a gift.

I've attended two dry weddings, one of which I was fine with and one of which I hated.

The one I was fine with was dry for religious reasons -- the bride's parents don't drink and don't believe in drinking, and they hosted/paid for the entire wedding, with the caveat to the bride and groom that if alcohol were involved in any way, they wouldn't pay a dime.

The wedding was lovely -- it was moved inside from outside during a 100+ degree heat wave in July, for which I was thankful -- but otherwise everything was just like a non-dry wedding. People didn't stay as late as maybe they might have had there been alcohol, but no one seemed to not have a good time.

The second wedding was awful and I judged the B&G hard-core for it. It was "dry" except for the WP -- who drank champagne and wine/beer all night. Not only was that alcohol free to them, but it wasn't even available for purchase for the rest of us. I don't like cash bars, but I would have (marginally) preferred a cash bar that allowed me to have alcohol to a wedding where I had to eat off paper plates with plastic utensils while the bride and groom swilled champagne.

They said, afterwards, "Well, we're the bride and groom, so people will understand it's because we're special."

No, sweetie, NO ONE is that much of a speshul snowflake. A lot of people (me included) left right after dinner -- before the first dance or cake cutting or whatever -- because I could tell we weren't really wanted as guests, just as gift-givers.

NYCBruin · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I kind of wonder if the prevalence of rude behaviour at weddings is also the driving force behind the increasing popularity of sending gifts after the wedding.

I wonder if people have been burned so many times by rude brides and grooms that they wait to attend the wedding and see if they're properly hosted before they give a gift.

I've attended two dry weddings, one of which I was fine with and one of which I hated.

The one I was fine with was dry for religious reasons -- the bride's parents don't drink and don't believe in drinking, and they hosted/paid for the entire wedding, with the caveat to the bride and groom that if alcohol were involved in any way, they wouldn't pay a dime.

The wedding was lovely -- it was moved inside from outside during a 100+ degree heat wave in July, for which I was thankful -- but otherwise everything was just like a non-dry wedding. People didn't stay as late as maybe they might have had there been alcohol, but no one seemed to not have a good time.

The second wedding was awful and I judged the B&G hard-core for it. It was "dry" except for the WP -- who drank champagne and wine/beer all night. Not only was that alcohol free to them, but it wasn't even available for purchase for the rest of us. I don't like cash bars, but I would have (marginally) preferred a cash bar that allowed me to have alcohol to a wedding where I had to eat off paper plates with plastic utensils while the bride and groom swilled champagne.

They said, afterwards, "Well, we're the bride and groom, so people will understand it's because we're special."

No, sweetie, NO ONE is that much of a speshul snowflake. A lot of people (me included) left right after dinner -- before the first dance or cake cutting or whatever -- because I could tell we weren't really wanted as guests, just as gift-givers.

To the bolded, I think that's the case for some people. I get the logic behind it. If you show your true colors and that you're a rude person at your wedding, I may not want to continue our relationship or at least become a little less close with you. Since I give wedding gifts based upon my budget and how close I am with the couple, I absolutely would consider giving less if I now don't want to be as close to you if you're an awful host.

To your story....EWWWWWWWWWWWW! That is awful-how incredibly rude!

Aray82 · December 2013

At the few weddings I've attended with partially-hosted bars, the drink-hoarding always happens and if I were the bride and saw that I'd be embarrassed and regret my decision immediately. They're usually taking pictures during cocktail hour though so I don't think they really see their guests' initial reactions.

I think of slipping some cash into my clutch the same way I do with bringing an umbrella to work to prevent rain--if I don't bring cash it will be a cash bar but if I do then it will be open...superstitious but it's worked thus far!

[Deleted User] · December 2013

1) saying that if guests want a cash bar that it's their problem is not caring about your guest. A lot of people would rather have a cash bar than no bar.

2) if the beer and wine were free and that was all there was, a person who didn't drink that would be sober around drunk people while as a partially hosted bar with beer and wine and then a cash option would allow you the same kind of options if you didn't want to pay for drinks and an option to have something you like drinking if you want.

3) if a bride isn't in a designer dress and the couple spends 90% of their budget on trying to feed and drink and host their guests and still have only a partially hosted bar... Is that as insulting? Do you judge them as much?

manateehugger · December 2013

clairekundinger said:

1) saying that if guests want a cash bar that it's their problem is not caring about your guest. A lot of people would rather have a cash bar than no bar. 2) if the beer and wine were free and that was all there was, a person who didn't drink that would be sober around drunk people while as a partially hosted bar with beer and wine and then a cash option would allow you the same kind of options if you didn't want to pay for drinks and an option to have something you like drinking if you want. 3) if a bride isn't in a designer dress and the couple spends 90% of their budget on trying to feed and drink and host their guests and still have only a partially hosted bar... Is that as insulting? Do you judge them as much?

1. I bet every guests who would rather have a cash bar than no bar would rather have a properly hosted bar than a cash bar. And yes, if I can't afford something, it's rude for you to demand that I offer it, even at cost to you. Are you going to demand that I offer lobster at a $10 premium because beef isn't good enough for you?

2. This goes back to it's rude to demand things your host cannot offer. I don't like any of the food offered at a wedding, so I go hungry while other guests are full. That's not really the host's problem if he/she made a good faith effort to provide a variety of food. And your logic makes no sense - in your example, the wine/beer drinkers get to be sloshed for free while the liquor drinkers have to fork over money to get sloshed. How would that remotely be appropriate?

3. The point is that the reception is about thanking your guests. So if it becomes evident that you prioritized yourself and your vanity over properly hosting the guests you're supposed to be thanking
yes, it's still insulting. If you don't want to properly thank/host them, why invite them? If she wanted a designer dress, she could have pursued other options to properly host her guests within her budget (non-mealtime wedding or smaller guest list for example).

Edit because the box sucks.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I am not trying to be an ass hat here, and I know this whole subject is a "bang head here" subject but I honestly don't see the difference in offering just beer and wine paid or offering beer and wine paid plus a cash bar. I'm not a beer or wine drinker! I'm not even a cheap rail booze drinker. I would never expect someone else to provide me with grey goose all night long.... But I feel left out when all there is to drink is beer and wine and rail drinks. I would much prefer a cash bar over that. And yeah people always want to drink for free (free is way better) but I'm a fan of options. As an adult I can decide whether to purchase a drink at a wedding or not.

As for people taking back their gifts to pay for the bar, I wasn't expecting gifts anyway. I don't invite people for gifts and if someone would rather get shit tanked than give me a weddig gift, I'd never think of complaining.

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