Difficult Situation with Future In-Laws

MoreChocolatePlease · December 2013

Hi Guys,

SadieTEK's recent post on family difficulties rang true for me and I was hoping to get some of your perspectives on my situation with my future-in-laws. I also just really need someone to talk to.

Although I am an American, my mother, and all of my (late) grandparents did not hail from the US and as such I have very few relatives in the country. I really feel no ties to my "hometown." My parents, as well as my FI and I are paying for our wedding. We decided to plan destination wedding in one of the two countries where I have extended family, which also happens to be a tropical location. Fortunately my family has been supportive and excited (as well as his sibling).

As suspected when we told FI's parents our decision last Spring, they were less than thrilled, as they said very few of their relatives would likely attend. While we will miss them if that is indeed the case, we completely understand. My FI said he was ok with it. We will throw a completely hosted party - no ceremony, just a party - a month or so after we return. (This seemed to matter little to them, as their issue was with people not hearing us say vows; somehow they'd be ok with a hometown PPD which astounds me). Nevertheless, things seemed ok for a few months, and they even seemed to get a bit excited. FI spoke with them and asked them to be good advocates for the wedding and they, if not excitedly, agreed.

A change happened in the last month. FI thinks his parents are getting crap from a few of his relatives about not being able to attend. Initially they were just concerned about FI's aunts, and now it is about his many cousins as well. We were thrilled to learn that a few relatives were interested in attending. Just a few weeks ago we were over their house for dinner when one of those relatives called. We were sitting right there and could hear half of the conversation well. FI's father told this relative that they shouldn't bother coming, that no one else from the side of the family would be there, and that he was only going because he had to as the groom's father. I was completely stunned. I'm sure there are many moments with other relatives we did not hear. Later FI did talk to them and his dad didn't seem to understand why what he said was upsetting, and FI said got defensive.

I have known FI's parents for over a dozen years and have very much thought of them as 2nd parents to me. It's disappointing and crushing enough to learn that they aren't very excited about the wedding, but I feel really hurt that they are going out of their way to discourage people to attend. I'm at a loss of what to do. This is a big investment for both my parents, and us - emotionally and financially - and had I known this detail perhaps we would have done something differently. Sabotage is a strong word, but I feel like they are at minimum sabotaging attendance at our wedding, feeding into extended family drama which is perhaps the most alarming issue, and certainly not being supportive. I fear this is really straining our relationship with them, as well as our relationship with FI's entire family. I know it's easy to enact the, no pay, no say rule, and they have never offered (which is fine) but this is really effecting FI and he feels awful.

He is stressed. I am stressed. We're not sure what to do. We are just a few months out, and while we're not raking in extra dough, as an act of goodwill, my thought was to offer to pay for half of his aunts and uncles flights if that helps keep the peace. (Unfortunately, although I would love to we really can not offer the same to all of his many cousins.) I was hoping that perhaps if FI's parents saw that we were willing to do that, they could perhaps match it, and everyone would win. FI feels odd bringing that up to them.

Thoughts? On just the situation in general, or if you have any ideas on how to get them on board/excited about the wedding. Or at the very least is there anything we can do to minimize the damage? Thank you very much.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

I don't think offering to pay for half of the flights is a good idea. If you do that for some, I feel you should do it for everyone. That will lead to hurt feelings and more unnecessary drama.

You chose a destination wedding and less attendance is a result of that. There's nothing wrong with having one. My husband and I had one for exactly the reason of less attendance, as we wanted a small wedding, but still wanted to invite many of our friends and family.

It's your wedding, not your in laws. Don't allow yourselves to be pushed into feeling bad.

RosaW86 · December 2013

Sounds like your FI's parents just had very different expectations for the wedding. I don't think you should change your plans because of that, but it may explain why they are defensive and discouraging other guests. Is there anything you could do to make them more enthusiastic about the location perhaps? Some fun things you could do that are destination-themed? Perhaps find a nice restaurant in your area that serves the local cuisine?

misssunshine17 · December 2013

You did choose something that would more than likely mean less attendance for his family and more for yours, so (not saying you even had a better option) but they have the right to feel however they feel.

Don't get sucked into their bullshit. They're obviously going to say what they want but I would be thinking long and hard about why type of relationship I could have with people that would say such hurtful things in front of you.

JBee85 · December 2013

So you basically planned a wedding where YOUR family could attend, but not HIS. By choosing a DW, you limit your audience. So do you see how his family would resent YOU and your family? Weddings are a celebration about bringing two families together.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

MoreChocolatePlease said:

Hi Guys,

SadieTEK's recent post on family difficulties rang true for me and I was hoping to get some of your perspectives on my situation with my future-in-laws. I also just really need someone to talk to.

Although I am an American, my mother, and all of my (late) grandparents did not hail from the US and as such I have very few relatives in the country. I really feel no ties to my "hometown." My parents, as well as my FI and I are paying for our wedding. We decided to plan destination wedding in one of the two countries where I have extended family, which also happens to be a tropical location. Fortunately my family has been supportive and excited (as well as his sibling).

As suspected when we told FI's parents our decision last Spring, they were less than thrilled, as they said very few of their relatives would likely attend. While we will miss them if that is indeed the case, we completely understand. My FI said he was ok with it. We will throw a completely hosted party - no ceremony, just a party - a month or so after we return. (This seemed to matter little to them, as their issue was with people not hearing us say vows; somehow they'd be ok with a hometown PPD which astounds me). Nevertheless, things seemed ok for a few months, and they even seemed to get a bit excited. FI spoke with them and asked them to be good advocates for the wedding and they, if not excitedly, agreed.

A change happened in the last month. FI thinks his parents are getting crap from a few of his relatives about not being able to attend. Initially they were just concerned about FI's aunts, and now it is about his many cousins as well. We were thrilled to learn that a few relatives were interested in attending. Just a few weeks ago we were over their house for dinner when one of those relatives called. We were sitting right there and could hear half of the conversation well. FI's father told this relative that they shouldn't bother coming, that no one else from the side of the family would be there, and that he was only going because he had to as the groom's father. I was completely stunned. I'm sure there are many moments with other relatives we did not hear. Later FI did talk to them and his dad didn't seem to understand why what he said was upsetting, and FI said got defensive.

I have known FI's parents for over a dozen years and have very much thought of them as 2nd parents to me. It's disappointing and crushing enough to learn that they aren't very excited about the wedding, but I feel really hurt that they are going out of their way to discourage people to attend. I'm at a loss of what to do. This is a big investment for both my parents, and us - emotionally and financially - and had I known this detail perhaps we would have done something differently. Sabotage is a strong word, but I feel like they are at minimum sabotaging attendance at our wedding, feeding into extended family drama which is perhaps the most alarming issue, and certainly not being supportive. I fear this is really straining our relationship with them, as well as our relationship with FI's entire family. I know it's easy to enact the, no pay, no say rule, and they have never offered (which is fine) but this is really effecting FI and he feels awful.

He is stressed. I am stressed. We're not sure what to do. We are just a few months out, and while we're not raking in extra dough, as an act of goodwill, my thought was to offer to pay for half of his aunts and uncles flights if that helps keep the peace. (Unfortunately, although I would love to we really can not offer the same to all of his many cousins.) I was hoping that perhaps if FI's parents saw that we were willing to do that, they could perhaps match it, and everyone would win. FI feels odd bringing that up to them.

Thoughts? On just the situation in general, or if you have any ideas on how to get them on board/excited about the wedding. Or at the very least is there anything we can do to minimize the damage? Thank you very much.

You were stuck in where to have the wedding. Either his family wouldn't be able to attend or yours could not attend. You, FI , and your parents chose to have the wedding closer to your relatives. Your FILs are mad about that and they are allowed to be. I think it is unfortunate how they are now going about seemingly sabotaging your wedding.

Do not offer to pay for some flights (half or all), it seems as if it would put an extra financial burden on you. You have not sent out invites yet, so you don't know who will or won't show up. Your FI, and him alone, should tell his parent how hurtful it is that they are encouraging family to not attend your wedding and that it seems as if they themselves don't want to attend.

And with the way they are acting, I would probably cancel the AHR. Maybe that's petty, but that is now extra money you do not have to put out. You tried to have a compromise with the AHR, but FI's parents have shown little respect for your wedding.

Inkdancer · December 2013

I'm sorry that your future in-laws are making you feel this way. However, I also understand why they would be upset that you moved the wedding closer to your family, without asking them about their family.

Unfortunately, having families that live far apart means having to choose where your wedding is located very carefully. A destination wedding is a major commitment, so I can understand why out-of-towners would not want to come.

You might want to have your FI call or email his aunts and uncles and let them know that it would mean a lot to him if they could attend. Don't expect that to mean that they all will show up, but it could be a good way to mend fences.

msuprincess04 · December 2013

That is a tough situation. I understand parents being upset, and pp's posts about a lower turnout with a destination wedding. I'm having a destination wedding and I totally get that maybe half of my guestlist will show. And I'm ok with that. But, to have someone ask your FFIL about it and for him to say "don't bother" may also make an invited guest, who would otherwise be interested in attending, skip it. And that, I'd be upset about.

crunchymamaof2 · December 2013

I completely understand your FI's family being upset. IMO, they probably should have been included in the discussion when deciding on where the wedding would be held. At the same time, it is your wedding, and most of your parents money, so technically the choice was completely up to you two and your parents.

They have every right to be upset and hurt. But they don't have the right to act so shitty in front of you and go as far as to get other relatives not to attend. That's pretty low. I do agree that your FI should speak to them. Either they'll wake up and realize what douches they've been or they'll get defensive and blame you guys. Regardless of the outcome you need to let go of the stress. If this is the wedding you both want then enjoy it. You don't need an audience for your wedding to be perfect and there was obviously some part of you that didn't really mind the lower attendance since you chose a DW. If they choose to miss the wedding or attend with their crappy attitude that's on them. My mother sat with a face during our entire wedding and it didn't make a difference. Enjoy your wedding day!

Jen4948 · December 2013

I'm sorry. That was an inappropriate remark for your FFIL to make and I think he should be made aware of how hurtful that was.

But, unfortunately when you (generic) plan destination weddings or family members live far apart, it does mean that you (again generic) should expect lower attendance. People just don't always have the ability to take time off or the money required to attend a destination wedding-even for their nearest and dearest.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

I'll offer this perspective: when DH and I were planning our wedding, our choices were to have it in my hometiwn, have it in the town where I was then living, or have it in his hometown, where he still lived and where I would be moving.

HE wanted to have it in my hometown, knowing that fewer of his family would come (indeed, we invited about 25 people from his extended family and eight RSVP'd yes).

If this was something you and your FI discussed beforehand and he was on-board with it, then whether his parents like it or not is irrelevant, although he should have thought of that and they should have been consulted.

The fact they are now sabotaging it is reprehensible. I would also cancel the AHR and just say, 'Given your lack of enthusiasm over our real wedding, we don't feel like celebrating with you.'

I have a feeling that if you give in and have an AHR, you'll end up being pressured into a PPD.

MoreChocolatePlease · December 2013

Thanks Guys. I really appreciate all of the responses and perspectives.

@RosaW86 – I think you hit the nail on the head in that we likely had very different expectations for the wedding. I’m just not sure how to reconcile that… I thought having a party back home would help. Thank you for the suggestions. Perhaps I could take them out to eat somewhere related. I also was going to upgrade their hotels rooms and give his Mom a voucher for a massage at the spa there.

@misssunshine17 – Yeah, I agree that they have the right to feel however they want to about it. I’m just trying to minimize the damage – particularly for my FI’s sake. It just really sucks, and makes me sad; previously I felt like I had a pretty amazing relationship as far as in-laws go.

@OliveOilsMom – Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. It is just unfortunate. I knew they wouldn’t be thrilled but thought they might warm up to it eventually (which they seemed for a few months). Yes, if he talks to his parents further about this, it will just be him. I realized a bit ago that it’s generally better for his to deal with his family and me to deal with mine. And it’s true that we don’t know for sure what the rsvp outcome will be. Will have to seriously think about the AHR.

@Inkdancer – we did talk to them (as well as our respective siblings) before we made the decision "final", and before we put any money down. FI’s parents we’re not thrilled but at that time they said they would be there and to, “do what you have to do” and “it’s up to you and your parents.” If they told us then that they were absolutely against it, perhaps we would have done something different (not sure what). That is an excellent idea – calling his Aunts as a way to mend fences. Thank you. I will suggest this to him. I had hoped to sit down with each of them previously and “break the news” once we had decided, but unfortunately his parents had beaten us to it.

@msuprincesss04 – I agree. I would understand if anyone could not attend, but I had hoped if they expressed interest they would be encouraged to attend, or at least not discouraged. Why would they attend if they are told they shouldn’t?

@acove2066 – we did talk to them before the decision was made "final" and before any money was put down. They weren’t excited but said to “do what you have to to” and “it’s up to you and your parents.” If they told us then that they were absolutely against it, perhaps we would have tried to do something different (what I don't know). Things were ok for a few months, and FI thinks they were getting negative feedback this month from his family and so seemed to be more “against it” then they previously were. Thank you so much for your perspective. I really appreciate it. Yes, we need to let go of the stress. We discussed it in depth and had decided that this was what we wanted. I think FI does feel upset now that his parents are mad at him, but I guess he needs to let that go. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you make peace with your mother’s disapproval (or whatever it was she was upset about)? Thank you for sharing.

The bottom line is I understand and acknowledge that they are upset. I completely realized we picked the location knowing it would be easier for one side of my family to be there, versus his, but that is what happens when you are spread all over the world. I’m fine with lower attendance in general. What we are not ok with is them actively discouraging people (it just feels disrespectful). I’m just wondering if there are other ways to mend fences I am not thinking of (with out having a PPD which they suggested would be the perfect solution; I am not doing that). Did any of you have in-laws or other family members discourage guests, or were you in a similar situation? I would love to hear about your experiences. Thank you again.

GrrArgh · December 2013

Wow you're a much calmer person than I am

" We were sitting right there and could hear half of the conversation well. FI's father told this relative that they shouldn't bother coming, that no one else from the side of the family would be there, and that he was only going because he **had** to as the groom's father."

I'd have ended up telling him we'd not want to inconvenience him by making him go on such a horrible trip, so we'd just send him pictures of the ceremony.

MoreChocolatePlease · December 2013

@HisGirlFriday13 – Thank you for your perspective. (I always look forward to reading your advice on this board!)

Yes, before anything was “final” and any money was spent, we approached them regarding our decision. If we knew then, how they would feel currently, perhaps things would be different, although I’m not sure that there was any solution to make everyone happy. At the time they said, “do what you have to do” and it’s “up to you and your parents.” His sister’s previous wedding was very much “their” big hosted event, and it has seemed throughout the process that they considered our wedding as my family’s event (as parents of the bride).

We will have to seriously consider the proposed AHR – you bring up a really good point (although I am adamant that we not have a PPD). We’ll see what happens in the next few months, but if things grow worse, and we decide to not host an AHR, I like your wording.

MoreChocolatePlease · December 2013

@GrrArgh – Haha I really WANTED to. I just thought it might make it worst. But maybe I should have...

The second we were along FI asked me if I wanted him to talk to them (alone), and I said sure! He was really hurt and bothered by it too obviously.

princessleia22 · December 2013

I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble. It makes things so much more difficult when everyone is spread out.

We had a similar situation. FI's family mostly lives in Southwest US, most of my family is Northeast US, and we both have some family in Southeast US, and even one in Northwest, so we are literally spread out all across the country. So, no matter what we did, a large number of people would have to travel. So, we decided to do DW in New Orleans, right in the middle of everyone. Now, everyone has to travel and we aren't favoring anyone. We figured that was the best way to keep from hurting anyone's feelings. Before finalizing any details, we talked to our immediate families (parents & siblings) to make sure they were okay with the location and could attend. Beyond those few people, we were okay if the others couldn't come. We would love to have them attend, but it wouldn't be critical to our happiness that day (like our parents would be). I don't expect any of my extended family to attend due to distance, some of whom are disappointed by it, but at least they are understanding. Surprisingly, most of FI's family plans to be there. But, we still have less than 50% of our invited guests coming. But, we determined early on who was the "must have" guest list and as long as they are there, we are okay with that. We also hope to do get-togethers afterward in both locations that the majority of our families are located.

As long as you have your critical people there, just tell everyone that this is what worked best for you & your FI, this is what you want for YOUR wedding. You would love to have them attend, but understand if they can't make it due to the distance and expense. You will try to include everyone in your happiness with your post-wedding party to celebrate with those unable to attend. And if they can't be happy for you, then maybe they shouldn't come. You could also do a live stream video or Skype of the ceremony for people back home to watch live... I've seen that done and have considered it for my ceremony.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

MoreChocolatePlease said:

@HisGirlFriday13 – Thank you for your perspective. (I always look forward to reading your advice on this board!)

Yes, before anything was “final” and any money was spent, we approached them regarding our decision. If we knew then, how they would feel currently, perhaps things would be different, although I’m not sure that there was any solution to make everyone happy. At the time they said, “do what you have to do” and it’s “up to you and your parents.” His sister’s previous wedding was very much “their” big hosted event, and it has seemed throughout the process that they considered our wedding as my family’s event (as parents of the bride).

We will have to seriously consider the proposed AHR – you bring up a really good point (although I am adamant that we not have a PPD). We’ll see what happens in the next few months, but if things grow worse, and we decide to not host an AHR, I like your wording.

Awww, thanks!

The sad fact about weddings is that you're not always going to be able to please everyone. DH's grandmother (who already dislikes me) was very, very pissy about us having had the wedding in my hometown. She kept saying, "I know it's tradition to have it in the bride's hometown, but I think you having a DW is really, really selfish, and I don't like it." (FTR, my hometown is 111 miles from DH's hometown. It was hardly a DW).

DH dealt with her and stood firm, saying that this was what we wanted, this was tradition, and this was non-negotiable. Do I think a lot of DH's family DIDN'T come because of how far away it was? Yes, I do. I also think a lot of them didn't come because BSC GMIL told them, "Oh, don't come," much like your FFIL is doing.

BSC granny has been on our asses since we got married to have an "at-home" reception for "people who didn't get invited" to see. She wants us to "re-do our vows in her church" to make them "more real."

No amount of bean-dipping will work, so when she brings it up to me, I just say, "Yes, you've mentioned that, and no, we won't be doing it, no matter how much you nag us." DH actually said to her the other day, "We will do that when Hell freezes over, so shut up already."

You can only handle your re-actions to people, so if I were your FI, I'd have a sit-down with his parents and ask them if they have seriously considered how much their lack of support is going to affect their future relationship with you and him and them.

wrigleyville · December 2013

JBee85 said:

So you basically planned a wedding where YOUR family could attend, but not HIS. By choosing a DW, you limit your audience. So do you see how his family would resent YOU and your family? Weddings are a celebration about bringing two families together.

Yes, but if they'd had it by her FI's family, then her family couldn't have come. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the point is his family doesn't have to be so rude about it. They could try to be more understanding, and her FI's father had no business saying something like that, especially with her and her FI in earshot.

csuave · December 2013

I'm so sorry that phone call took place. Hearing it would have made me feel terrible.

It sounds like you have had a decent relationship with FILs overall. My advice is to keep on a happy face and be a super sweet future daughter in law. If you show yourself to be a kind person then any behavior on their part that is unkind might make them think twice about what they are doing. Hopefully enthusiasm and positivity will be contagious.

I wouldn't blame you if you cancel the AHR. But, going along with the above advice, if you make the effort to be kind, generous and have a family focused event embracing your new family then people will have no room to say anything bad about you. There will be people in FI family that probably want to come but won't be able to and they may really appreciate the AHR.

GrrArgh · December 2013

So general question, has anyone ever made it through a wedding without wanting to strangle their future in-laws before the vows? we're 3 weeks out, and up til a week ago I thought I may have actually managed it... I want to smush their little heads right now.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@GrrArgh... nope! But good luck! What's up?

GrrArgh · December 2013

1. (his sister with a jr bridesmaid) refusing to show up for final fittings because they're sure their little snowflake's stuff will fit just fine - the seamstress was requesting a final fitting because she had made test garments for them to fit them in and has now cut from good/final material

2. Offering at length to help... the entire process.. and every time I find something I REALLY need help with... Too busy! in this particular case I needed FMIL to call the folks on their part of the guest list that didn't RSVP.. it was like 6 people all of which she did not provide me with phone numbers for or I would have done it myself. She told me she was too busy to call them, they probably aren't coming anyways. I asked if she could at least get me their numbers, that was a week ago still nothing.

and 3 and most important of all... it's like my FMIL is erasing my FI from her life... He has several siblings all whom are married and has done this to none of them... she's given him his baby albums and Christmas ornaments and stocking... and it's like she's getting every scrap of him out of her house. It's hugely upsetting him, and I'm just down right confused by it.

GrrArgh · December 2013

Oh! and the part where, we knew moving him into what will be our apartment was going to be a process. we told his folks that, with his schedule (he works over nights) it leaves him with limited time that they aren't going to be alseep, so it may take a few weekends but everything would certainly be out by the wedding in January. It had been a week since he had the keys to the place, 80% of his stuff had been moved over. She called him at 2pm (which is like calling us normal day dwelling folks at 2am) woke him up and told him he had to come get the rest of his crap out of her house or she was going to box it up and put it on the curb. This was in the middle of an ice storm.

I'm really just so confused by this woman. Sorry I know this really isn't the place for it.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

I see this all the time on the board and have no idea what it means. What is a PPD?

GrrArgh · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

I see this all the time on the board and have no idea what it means. What is a PPD?

Pretty Princess Day - its where a previously married couple (usually a rushed marriage) put on all the dressing of a traditional wedding and go on to perform a redo weddin only this time with guests. Basically is playing barbies dream wedding dress up date, which is stupid... but goes straight to tacky and rude when they don't even bother to tell their guests they aren't witnessing an actual wedding.

Inkdancer · December 2013

@GrrArgh Your FMIL sounds like mine... is your FI a youngest son? I'm convinced that "losing" her "baby" is making my FMIL completely batty!

GrrArgh · December 2013

@GrrArgh Your FMIL sounds like mine... is your FI a youngest son? I'm convinced that "losing" her "baby" is making my FMIL completely batty!

Suck in the box....

no he is the oldest, I have a few sinking feeling this has more to do with him being from her first marriage... and despite her better efforts she has held the sins of his dad against him. Its just a sad situation I think.

Inkdancer · December 2013

GrrArgh said:

@GrrArgh Your FMIL sounds like mine... is your FI a youngest son? I'm convinced that "losing" her "baby" is making my FMIL completely batty!
Suck in the box....no he is the oldest, I have a few sinking feeling this has more to do with him being from her first marriage... and despite her better efforts she has held the sins of his dad against him. Its just a sad situation I think.

That sucks. I wish you much luck, patience, and wine!

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2013

@GrrArgh I know I'm in a minority but my ILs were and still are pretty awesome. MIL and FIL divorced when DH was young and they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in 10 years so I was worried about tention and drama, but there wasn't any weirdness, even taking "parents pictures" and when I had DH's half brother escort MIL down the isle. SMIL was awesome! Planned a RD that we loved with minimal input, offered and helped me with so much without being overbearing. They aren't perfect and we've a few tense moments, but they love both of us and want the best for our family.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@GrrArgh -- Oh, you have my sympathies. You really, really do. When we told DH's BSC grandmother that we were engaged, her first words were, "So I'm losing you?" then when we moved in together, she said, "But if you leave, who's going to do for me? I need things done!"

I don't know what it is about some mothers and their sons, but their behaviour is baffling and reprehensible.

GL to you and FI!

MobKaz · December 2013

GrrArgh said:

1. (his sister with a jr bridesmaid) refusing to show up for final fittings because they're sure their little snowflake's stuff will fit just fine - the seamstress was requesting a final fitting because she had made test garments for them to fit them in and has now cut from good/final material

2. Offering at length to help... the entire process.. and every time I find something I REALLY need help with... Too busy! in this particular case I needed FMIL to call the folks on their part of the guest list that didn't RSVP.. it was like 6 people all of which she did not provide me with phone numbers for or I would have done it myself. She told me she was too busy to call them, they probably aren't coming anyways. I asked if she could at least get me their numbers, that was a week ago still nothing.

and 3 and most important of all... it's like my FMIL is erasing my FI from her life... He has several siblings all whom are married and has done this to none of them... she's given him his baby albums and Christmas ornaments and stocking... and it's like she's getting every scrap of him out of her house. It's hugely upsetting him, and I'm just down right confused by it.

This is the only area I may be able to address logically. In our home, St. Nicholas always gave my kids an ornament to commemorate that particular year. I started that tradition with the thought that when they moved away, they would have some "starter" ornaments for their first tree. In hindsight, I now wish I would have purchased doubles for every ornament. My tree looked particularly sad and stark once the kids took theirs to their new homes.

As far as the rest.....she just seems a little....off.

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