Honoring Past Loved Ones. HE says no

thejucheidea · December 2013

I wanted my grandfather who passed in 1998 to be included in our wedding, so I pinned the keys to his antique car to the inside of my dress right over my heart. If you want the memory for you, keep it for you -- other people don't need to be reminded of loss at a joyous celebration. Some might not be affected, but here's my reaction to my dad unexpectedly giving me the keys during our family portraits on wedding day:

Do you want to risk causing ugly crying at your wedding?

Jen4948 · December 2013

mimiphin said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently. Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.
I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

I agree,
We are hosting the wedding ourselves and we aren't 100% on the wording but for the invites if parents are mentioned it will be,
Mimi Phin,
daughter of Mr. John doe and the late
mrs. Jane doe
FI
Son of .....
request the pleasure of your company.
Yada yada yada.

That looks and sounds a lot better than adding asterisks and in loving memory, that sounds more like a funeral than a wedding. and it I think its about as subtle as being hit by a dump truck.
For our wedding if parents aren't mentioned on the invite there will be a family section on the program. I don't want or need people who don't know to be asking me why my mum isn't there.

Don't do this on your invitations. The wording "the late" is not subtle at all when it comes to invitations.

mimiphin · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently. Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.
I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

I agree,
We are hosting the wedding ourselves and we aren't 100% on the wording but for the invites if parents are mentioned it will be,
Mimi Phin,
daughter of Mr. John doe and the late
mrs. Jane doe
FI
Son of .....
request the pleasure of your company.
Yada yada yada.

That looks and sounds a lot better than adding asterisks and in loving memory, that sounds more like a funeral than a wedding. and it I think its about as subtle as being hit by a dump truck.
For our wedding if parents aren't mentioned on the invite there will be a family section on the program. I don't want or need people who don't know to be asking me why my mum isn't there.

Don't do this on your invitations. The wording "the late" is not subtle at all when it comes to invitations.

Good thing I don't care what you say since it will be our choice, not yours.

Jen4948 · December 2013

mimiphin said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently. Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.
I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

I agree,
We are hosting the wedding ourselves and we aren't 100% on the wording but for the invites if parents are mentioned it will be,
Mimi Phin,
daughter of Mr. John doe and the late
mrs. Jane doe
FI
Son of .....
request the pleasure of your company.
Yada yada yada.

That looks and sounds a lot better than adding asterisks and in loving memory, that sounds more like a funeral than a wedding. and it I think its about as subtle as being hit by a dump truck.
For our wedding if parents aren't mentioned on the invite there will be a family section on the program. I don't want or need people who don't know to be asking me why my mum isn't there.

Don't do this on your invitations. The wording "the late" is not subtle at all when it comes to invitations.

Good thing I don't care what you say since it will be our choice, not yours.

So don't ask for advice or post about it if you don't care what others here have to say.

mimiphin · December 2013

Jen4948 I wasn't asking for advise, and you don't get to dictate when, or what I post about on, last I checked, a public form.

OP, sorry for your thread being hijacked like this.

Jen4948 · December 2013

mimiphin said:

Jen4948 I wasn't asking for advise, and you don't get to dictate when, or what I post about on, last I checked, a public form.

OP, sorry for your thread being hijacked like this.

That's just it-whether or not you asked for advice, you're going to get it when you post on a public forum. And you don't get to control whether or not you get it or how it's given.

It's a good thing you apologized to the OP-that's the only polite thing you said in the last couple of posts. And you did hijack the thread with your "I didn't ask for your advice" rudeness.

GrrArgh · December 2013

We are putting 4 rose buds in a vase on the mantle at our ring ceremony and at the bottom of the program "Mantle roses in memory of (names of my 2 grand mothers and 1 grand father and FI's sister's name)" Could easily do that on the altar or some other structure where you are getting married.

netskyblue2 · December 2013

We are putting on our wedding website that FI is the son of Mr. John Doe and the late Mrs. Jane Doe, primarily to inform and prevent people who don't know otherwise from coming up to him and asking to meet his mom, or saying of his dad's longtime GF, "oh, is this your mom?" She'll have been gone 17 years when we get married, so it's not a recent thing, but we'd like to avoid the awkwardness of having to explain, "no, she's no longer with us." It might be somewhat sad for FI, but I expect it would be really uncomfortable for the guest who made the faux pas.

It was really the politest way I could think of to get the message out across my family and friends without being all, "by the way, his mom's dead, so don't put your foot in your mouth!"

We lost our great grandmother not long before one of my sisters got married, and my other sister (bridesmaid) also acted as ring bearer by carrying the rings that were tied to a piece of lace wrapped around great grandma's bible.

abbyj700 · January 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

We had a small frame in the corner of the guest book table that said "This candle burns for those who cannot be with us on this special day." and we had a little candle. It was very small and I doubt most people noticed it but we both knew it was there.

This is our plan. My FI would like to have a list of some specific people - and I decided I'm good with that. It will be small and not anywhere that will be a constant reminder - but we'd like to do something.

Honoring Past Loved Ones. HE says no

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