Kids at reception

Nicolina86 · January 2014

I am in a dilemma,

I do not want any kids at my reception (exception my flower girl and ring bearer). I have cousins who I am close with that live out of town. She asked me if her kids can be an exception since they are coming from out of town.

Won't this look bad if I say her kids can come, but others cannot??

Should I just tell her, no kids period, use the same babysitter as her sister??

Please help, she asked me to let her know before they plan their trip!? Talk about pressure.

Thank you,

Nicole

Inkdancer · January 2014

Kids do not have to be an all or nothing prospect. It is perfectly fine to invite some children, but not others.

However, it can be awkward if one sister is allowed to bring her children and another is not. If it's just your nieces and nephews invited, or only out of town children, or something similar, it's much easier to explain to people.

Ultimately the decision is up to you, but expect that someone will be unhappy, no matter what you choose.

AddieCake · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

I am in a dilemma,
I do not want any kids at my reception (exception my flower girl and ring bearer). I have cousins who I am close with that live out of town. She asked me if her kids can be an exception since they are coming from out of town.
Won't this look bad if I say her kids can come, but others cannot??
Should I just tell her, no kids period, use the same babysitter as her sister??
Please help, she asked me to let her know before they plan their trip!? Talk about pressure.
Thank you,
Nicole

Are you allowing kids at the ceremony and not the reception?

Nicolina86 · January 2014

Since there's a gap between ceremony and reception, kids can come to ceremony. Since I don't expect parents to make arrangements for kids ALL day.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

Since there's a gap between ceremony and reception, kids can come to ceremony. Since I don't expect parents to make arrangements for kids ALL day.

How much of a gap are we talking?

Honestly I'm getting a little wary. Inviting anyone, even kids, to one part of the wedding but not another is not good form.

Nicolina86 · January 2014

Ceremony from 2-3 and Reception at 6.

manateehugger · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

Since there's a gap between ceremony and reception, kids can come to ceremony. Since I don't expect parents to make arrangements for kids ALL day.

Sigh.

Ok, first of all, do everything you can to eliminate that gap.

Second, it's very rude and inconvenient to invite children (who count as guests despite their age) to only the ceremony and then tell parents they have to leave your wedding to dump their kids off somewhere. You invite all guests, including children, to both the ceremony and the reception, or you don't invite them at all.

AddieCake · January 2014

Gaps suck. WTF are people supposed to do for 3 hours waiting on the reception to start? And if you're inviting kids to your ceremony, you need to invite them to the reception, which is a thank you to ALL YOUR GUESTS, REGARDLESS OF AGE for having attended your ceremony.

ETA: I need the Scooby Doo gang b/c it is seriously a mystery to me why some brides think inviting certain people to only part of their wedding is ok. Would YOU like to be told you can't come to part of something? What makes kids any different?

Nicolina86 · January 2014

They wouldn't be leaving the wedding, seeing as ceremony and reception at two different locations.

does that make it different?

Nicolina86 · January 2014

this has only left me more confused.

Thank you ladies !!

manateehugger · January 2014

How much down time is there between the ceremony and reception (not including drive time)?

It's not confusing. Just don't invite kids period, or invite them to both the reception and the ceremony.

AddieCake · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

They wouldn't be leaving the wedding, seeing as ceremony and reception at two different locations.
does that make it different?

No, it doesn't make it different. They are still being told they are only welcome at half of an event.

climbingsingle · January 2014

Oh lord. I think the 3 hour gap is your real problem here.

As far as kids go, you can choose to invite certain ones. But like a previous poster said, it may cause bad feelings if you invite one cousin's kids and not another cousin's kids.

misssunshine17 · January 2014

Oh my fucking god. Did you not read any posts before posting yourself?

Inkdancer · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

They wouldn't be leaving the wedding, seeing as ceremony and reception at two different locations.
does that make it different?

No difference. The wedding ceremony is for you and your husband. The reception is to thank your guests for attending. Anyone who attends, regardless of age, needs to be thanked for sharing your special day. Think of it this way: someone says to you "Hey, do you want to see me on my birthday? You can see how pretty I look and stand outside the window for the party, but you can't have any food or cake." You'd be unhappy. So will your guests, even the little ones who don't quite know why it feels awkward.

A three-hour gap is way too long. Guests should be hosted the whole length of an event... having several hours between one segment and the other when they are expected to entertain themselves is really awkward and kind of rude. Surely they won't need two hours to get from one location to the other! This will be especially difficult for out of town guests, who may not even know where they can go to spend those few hours. Please don't do this.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

If they come from out of town, where are the kids supposed to go for the reception? They can't drive them back home and then come back for the reception. If they're getting a sitter, why not get one for the whole event, not just part? Everyone you invite to the ceremony must be invited to the reception too. They aren't two separate events, they're one event. Not touching the incredibly rude and inconvenient gap you have scheduled (its rude even if it's the norm in your area). Just, if you say they can come to the ceremony, they must be able to come to the reception too. You aren't required to say yes to their request, though. You can tell them you're sorry, but the kids can't be accommodated, and hold your line. You just have to accept (gracefully) that the parents may not be able to come.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

DP

Jen4948 · January 2014

You need to eliminate the three-hour gap. That's too long for guests to go unhosted-especially out-of-town guests. It's inconsiderate.

And also, while you don't have to invite every kid to your wedding, if you're inviting them to the ceremony, you have to invite them to the reception just like every other guest. Inviting them only to the ceremony is not an acceptable way to cut costs or protect kids and adults from each other.

speedyblazer11 · January 2014

misssunshine17 said:

Oh my fucking god. Did you not read any posts before posting yourself?

Love this! i think about that all the time while reading through posts.

Anyway, you need to cut the gap, not invite any kids to the ceremony and reception, and then stick by your choice and not give anyone an exception b/c someone will be offended that their precious mini snowflake wasn't invited but someone other kid was. This is just my opinion I'm sure none of it is etiquette friendly

delujm0 · January 2014

1. Do whatever you can to eliminate that gap. I'm from NJ and was raised Catholic - that looks like your standard Catholic Wedding gap because your church won't allow weddings on Saturday night due to mass, but you still want to have a nighttime reception. Your guests should be hosted from the time the ceremony starts until the time the reception ends. Period. Let me assure you, that gap is going to be a huge inconvenience to your guests, even the ones that understand why it is happening. Try to find a church that will allow a later ceremony time, or move your reception earlier, or host a cocktail party to fill in the blank there. A 3 hour gap is pretty rough. Why not start your reception/cocktail hour at 3:30 or 4 until 5, and then have your reception from 5-8 or 5-9? People will be hungry by 5 if your ceremony was at 2. You can have an after party if you want to party later than that.

I have been to plenty of weddings like this, i understand why they exist, and they still annoy me. One of three things is going to happen here (depending on your crowd): people are going to skip the ceremony and only come to the reception, people are going to leave the reception early because they've effectively been dealing with your wedding for over 8 hours at that point, or people are going to use that 3 hour gap to get completely wasted and then you will have a bunch of extremely drunk people to deal with all night. Either way, people are going to complain about it. not to you, because they love you, but to everyone else.

2. You are acting like this gap makes life more convenient for people with kids. it doesn't. Very few people are interested in getting their kids all dressed up to go to a church wedding only to have to drive them home and drop them off with a sitter for the rest of the night afterwards. Not only is it extremely rude to invite people to the ceremony but not the reception, but if you specifically invite kids to the ceremony, the parents will feel like they need to bring them. A church is a public space, which means that ANYONE (people you invite, crashers, random people off the street) can go to your ceremony. Don't put the kids on the invitation at all. If parents want to bring them to the ceremony and then drop them off later, they can feel free to do that because churches are public space.

3. whether you invite kids to your wedding or not is a personal choice. You have done the right thing by including your ring bearer and flower girl in your reception plans. If you want to make the kid cutoff "kids who were in the wedding" that is completely acceptable. You can make whatever cutoff you want. But don't be bullied into inviting children that you don't want there. The woman in question sounds like an issue - if you let her kids come but not her sister's that's going to look pretty odd. Just know that there are parents out there that WILL NOT leave their kids with sitters - so if you're going child-free, there are people who will decline to come because of it.

4. That guest was really rude - she shouldn't have asked you if her kids can come.

Teddy917 · January 2014

Think of your kid-free plan like this: You are asking the kids (who don't really even get to choose to come, the parents will probably make them) to come to the "boring" part. They have to dress up in itchy nice clothes and sit quiet and still for an hour (in a kid's mind that equals forever) and then they don't get to come to the "fun" part. They miss out on food, dancing, spending time with grandma and grandpa. Instead they have to stay with the babysitter.
The kids will know that's wrong. Think about when you were a kid. Would you have liked that arrangement?

KickAssMOH · January 2014

I had the same exact issue with my OOT cousin when planning my wedding (except my event had no gap, and everything took place at the same venue). It was MOST important to me to not have her 1yo at the ceremony because he would've made baby noises. I obtained several babysitter options for her, on-site, and she could've visited with her baby in the very next room at any time during the ceremony/cocktail/reception. Pissy cousin threw a fit and had our daddies discuss. This was the single most stressful thing to happen to me in the weeks leading up to my wedding.

She opted to travel to town for my wedding to see the family, as well as attend the rehearsal dinner (with precious baby in tow), and then she and baby skipped the wedding. She told me a few days in advance, allowing me to remove her from my headcount. This wasn't the best resolution but I was really happy I stuck to my guns and had no kids.

Nicolina86 · January 2014

to close this post on a happy note (closing meaning sorry that I offended anyone by making a post rather than reading others)

I have figured out what I am going to do on MY DAY, gap and all

best wishes to all of you in your planning and nuptials !

Nicolina86 · January 2014

ps: if you are that worried about it, we already had planned on what to do with the 3 hour gap...we aren't the first to have a gap and certainly won't be the last.

cruffino · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

to close this post on a happy note (closing meaning sorry that I offended anyone by making a post rather than reading others)
I have figured out what I am going to do on MY DAY, gap and all
best wishes to all of you in your planning and nuptials !

i'm from an italian catholic background and live in NYC. what you're talking about (large gap and kids only at ceremony) is very common in my circles. that being said, its totally against etiquette.

you sound pretty sure about what you're doing so i won't reiterate that you may want to re-think your plan. as to your question about kids, if a guest asked me if they could bring their kids, i would say yes, even though kids other than those in the wedding party are not invited to my wedding. it is just my inclination to accommodate people if they make a request regarding kids.

anyway, don't get pissy, stick around here. there is alot of good information and alot of laughs. let this one roll off and come back!

Nicolina86 · January 2014

thanks cruffino, but I have 4 coworkers who just got married in the past year (I am the 5th) who can give me all the advice I need from here on out.

ps: that is not a pissy response its an honest one.

cruffino · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

thanks cruffino, but I have 4 coworkers who just got married in the past year (I am the 5th) who can give me all the advice I need from here on out.
ps: that is not a pissy response its an honest one.

no sweat. enjoy your planning!

wrigleyville · January 2014

You mean the advice that will justify how rude you are?

Oh, and "MY DAY" doesn't give you permission to be rude and inconsiderate to other people, unless you're okay with being just another selfish bride.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

ps: if you are that worried about it, we already had planned on what to do with the 3 hour gap...we aren't the first to have a gap and certainly won't be the last.

If you were to tell your guests they have to dress all in blue you wouldn't be the first nor the last, unfortunately, but you would still be completely wrong and rude as hell. Same with gaps. The fact that some people do rude things does not excuse you from doing rude things.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Nicolina86 said:

to close this post on a happy note (closing meaning sorry that I offended anyone by making a post rather than reading others)
I have figured out what I am going to do on MY DAY, gap and all
best wishes to all of you in your planning and nuptials !

This is selfish and entitled.

Also, I assure you, if those kids are too young to enjoy your reception, they are FAR too young to enjoy your wedding.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

I've heard of some family members opening their home and offering refreshments to the other guests during the gap. Maybe she is doing something like that?

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