What NOT to do!

wabanzi · December 2013

Feeling that something is right does not make it an accepted etiquette rule by which to judge other couples. In US custom/rules, the bride has every right to choose which dress(es) the bridesmaids should wear. This is completely her call. So long as it is in the agreed budget, she does not need to ask your permission or consult lots of outside opinions. It is not standard etiquette to expect her to pay for it or to make a pretense of "offering" to pay. It is, however, her job to make sure the dress she chooses is affordable. She can do that by asking your budgets and working with that limitation, by buying the dresses, or by subsidizing part of the cost. The Emily Post link you cite specifically mentions transportation as an attendant's own responsibility. ETA: on a reread, I see that she does indicate "accommodations" as a requirement. This, however, is still not typical or standard in US practice, and considering the other long lists of attendant responsibilities included here -- which are more generally accepted in my own circle but tend to be frowned on by many Knotties -- I think you'll be hard pressed to get many on the boards to accept this link as a serious etiquette source. I agree that it has potential to cause confusion, though. If we accept that lodging is a couple's obligation, then we must be prepared to accept that if a bride wants her attendants to stay with her, or to crash at her grandmother's house, or go camping the night before, she can do so because she is technically providing lodging. In addition, lodging is often a matter of choice, or even unnecessary. In general, you are talking about grown adults who can make informed decisions. I have two attendants who could choose to stay with their mothers, or could choose to get motel rooms. They could get inexpensive rooms, or choose a high-end resort. A groomsman could decide to stay sober and drive the half-hour home, or get trashed and call a hotel. By your logic, it would be the couple's job to babysit all their attendants, second-guess their decisions on where to stay, and ask for receipts and expense reports. See the problem? Now, I happen to agree with you in thinking that if a couple *can reasonably afford to pay* for all attendants' attire, travel, or lodging, then they should consider budgeting for those expenses and make that part of their demonstration of thanks to attendants--if everything else is already covered, and only if they can afford to do it for all attendants. BUT, reimbursing attendants for everything is well above and beyond their standard obligations, and they are not required to do so.

Properly host your guests, including your WP. It is not difficult to offer accommodations. They can always decline. The rest of what you stated has already been covered and answered (you cited one of the oldest posts). Please read all the posts in this thread.

The main point--which I repeated over and over (and yet, it is completely lost each time): the bride was being an absolute bitch to the WP, mainly one BM.

I'll state it again & highlight it (and bold and italics)--since not one person commented on it (so maybe knotties think it is acceptable to humiliate others?):

It was the purposeful attempt at humiliating/making fun of another that rubbed me the wrong way.

End of story. The bride made us miserable and she and her wedding suffered for it. She has since apologized and regrets her actions. This is what not to do.

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

My fiance and I went to a wedding for one of his friends that was being held at the same hotel we are having our wedding at, so we were really excited to check it out and get a good feel for how our reception will be. We hated the ceremony space, it was too cramped because it was in a random hotel lobby and there was nowhere to go afterwards so there was a huge crowd of people in a hallway trying to figure out where to go, also they had only 80 people at their reception and we stood in line at the bar for half an hour to get a drink. I'm glad we went because I was able to make the appropriate changes so that it will be better for my upcoming wedding. Also, they didn't have assigned seating and we knew very few people and ended up at the 'kids' table on the brides side (we had only met the bride a week prior and obviously didn't know her family) because all of the other seats were taken. These 'kids' were more teenager aged but were very disrespectful and rude and kept asking us to get them drinks from the bar. We tried to find another seat and couldn't so we ended up leaving early.

shamrock789 · December 2013

We recently went to a wedding where immediately after dinner the B&G went outside (I think..) and didn't come back for at least an hour! I saw them come back for a few minutes then they disappeared again! In the meantime, the tables had been moved to make room for dancing so everyone was standing around. No one wanted to dance because the B&G hadn't done their first dance yet. There also probably wasn't any dancing due to the fact that the DJ was playing heavy metal. I was bored out of my mind and we ended up leaving early.

likavecmhw · January 2014

I was in a wedding last summer that had a 4-hour gap in a small town that most of the guests were not from. The bride rented a party bus and the rest of the wedding party/their dates (except for me and one pregnant lady) got super wasted. Most of them vomited on the bus. One person threw up during the reception entrance (for which we were late). The rest of the reception was spent watching the really drunk wedding party get drunker and drunker and eventually passing out (including the groom).
What about the people on the bus, you ask? Some people rented hotel rooms and hung out there, a few "lucky" people went and set up the reception area, one person decided to walk around and sight-see and ended up taking a nap in the park on a bench, and my dad told me that when he an my mom showed up to the reception site (30 minutes early-they're those kind of people) the parking lot was already full and people were just chilling in their cars...

Another wedding I went to was a "dry" wedding that also didn't have a DJ because music was against the religion of the bride and groom... 'nuff said, I think.

likavecmhw · January 2014

I was in a wedding last summer that had a 4-hour gap in a small town that most of the guests were not from. The bride rented a party bus and the rest of the wedding party/their dates (except for me and one pregnant lady) got super wasted. Most of them vomited on the bus. One person threw up during the reception entrance (for which we were late). The rest of the reception was spent watching the really drunk wedding party get drunker and drunker and eventually passing out (including the groom).
What about the people on the bus, you ask? Some people rented hotel rooms and hung out there, a few "lucky" people went and set up the reception area, one person decided to walk around and sight-see and ended up taking a nap in the park on a bench, and my dad told me that when he an my mom showed up to the reception site (30 minutes early-they're those kind of people) the parking lot was already full and people were just chilling in their cars...

Another wedding I went to was a "dry" wedding that also didn't have a DJ because music was against the religion of the bride and groom... 'nuff said, I think.

likavecmhw · January 2014

I was in a wedding last summer that had a 4-hour gap in a small town that most of the guests were not from. The bride rented a party bus and the rest of the wedding party/their dates (except for me and one pregnant lady) got super wasted. Most of them vomited on the bus. One person threw up during the reception entrance (for which we were late). The rest of the reception was spent watching the really drunk wedding party get drunker and drunker and eventually passing out (including the groom).
What about the people on the bus, you ask? Some people rented hotel rooms and hung out there, a few "lucky" people went and set up the reception area, one person decided to walk around and sight-see and ended up taking a nap in the park on a bench, and my dad told me that when he an my mom showed up to the reception site (30 minutes early-they're those kind of people) the parking lot was already full and people were just chilling in their cars...

Another wedding I went to was a "dry" wedding that also didn't have a DJ because music was against the religion of the bride and groom... 'nuff said, I think.

likavecmhw · January 2014

I was in a wedding last summer that had a 4-hour gap in a small town that most of the guests were not from. The bride rented a party bus and the rest of the wedding party/their dates (except for me and one pregnant lady) got super wasted. Most of them vomited on the bus. One person threw up during the reception entrance (for which we were late). The rest of the reception was spent watching the really drunk wedding party get drunker and drunker and eventually passing out (including the groom).
What about the people on the bus, you ask? Some people rented hotel rooms and hung out there, a few "lucky" people went and set up the reception area, one person decided to walk around and sight-see and ended up taking a nap in the park on a bench, and my dad told me that when he an my mom showed up to the reception site (30 minutes early-they're those kind of people) the parking lot was already full and people were just chilling in their cars...

Another wedding I went to was a "dry" wedding that also didn't have a DJ because music was against the religion of the bride and groom... 'nuff said, I think.

likavecmhw · January 2014

sorry that posted so many times... There was apparently an error.

likavecmhw · January 2014

sorry that posted so many times... There was apparently an error.

M_M_midgetz · January 2014

Ditto. I hate large gaps. Loathe them with a passion.

I'm going to be attending a wedding where the church ceremony starts at 11:00am (but possibly moved to 10:00am), with the reception to start at 6:00pm - a 6 or 7 hour gap, yikes!! We live 2 hours away and my DH is in the WP, so he has to stick around and take photos. By the time DH is done taking photos we won't have enough time to go back home, kick back and relax, and be back at 5pm to "prepare for the reception" to the bride and groom's satisfaction. Ugh.

I hate gaps between the ceremony and reception.

oliviaester1991 · January 2014

M_M_midgetz said:

Ditto. I hate large gaps. Loathe them with a passion.

I'm going to be attending a wedding where the church ceremony starts at 11:00am (but possibly moved to 10:00am), with the reception to start at 6:00pm - a 6 or 7 hour gap, yikes!! We live 2 hours away and my DH is in the WP, so he has to stick around and take photos. By the time DH is done taking photos we won't have enough time to go back home, kick back and relax, and be back at 5pm to "prepare for the reception" to the bride and groom's satisfaction. Ugh.

I hate gaps between the ceremony and reception.

omg that much of a gap is ridiculous! I understand when there is a small gap sometimes even though I don't love it as a guest, but that is horrendous!

KerisaHarman21 · January 2014

One wedding I attended the bride wanted to save all of the money her father gave her for her honeymoon and we ate pulled pork sandwhiches and had gingerale as a drink, I personally do not like gingerale I think its gross so that was the worst experience!

What NOT to do!

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