Stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

Hello fellow brides!! I've found myself in a situation I'm not quite sure how to deal with. A few years ago one of my closest friends husband's made a pass at me. I told her and she thinks i just took things the wrong way...I think she's being nieve. I just try to stay clear of him now. Fast forward to now and I'm engaged and trying to come up with a quest list. How to I invite my other friends with their significant others then tell her I don't want hers there? I don't wanna be rude or offensive, but he is still creepy and I don't want him there. Suggestions ?

KatWAG · January 2014

HeatherRene83 said:

Hello fellow brides!! I've found myself in a situation I'm not quite sure how to deal with. A few years ago one of my closest friends husband's made a pass at me. I told her and she thinks i just took things the wrong way...I think she's being nieve. I just try to stay clear of him now. Fast forward to now and I'm engaged and trying to come up with a quest list. How to I invite my other friends with their significant others then tell her I don't want hers there? I don't wanna be rude or offensive, but he is still creepy and I don't want him there. Suggestions ?

He is your friends husband. He absolutely needs to be invite. While I dont excuse what he did, it was a few years ago and I think its time to move on.

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

Thank you for replying!! The only thing about that is he still does things from time to time in am attempt to get my attention

. I'm a little worried that he might be obsessed with me or something.

KatWAG · January 2014

I get it. The guy is a dirt bag. But he is your friends husband. You have already talked to her about it once. And it sounds like she doesn't want to hear it. If you keep telling her that her H is a dirt bag (my words, not yours) she might begin to resent you. Also, since she is already taking his side, if you don't invite him, she might not show.

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

Ok thanks. I appreciate your reply and will keep that in mind

Belthil · January 2014

Unless he's threatened you or has caused harm to you in the past it's rude to invite her but not him. Your two options are to invite both of them or not invite either of them.

Your friend may be very offended if you don't invite him and it could damage your friendship.

NOLABridesmaid · January 2014

Thank you for replying!! The only thing about that is he still does things from time to time in am attempt to get my attention . I'm a little worried that he might be obsessed with me or something.

Girl, you need to check him. One good cussing out will let him know that you are not the one to play with.

Wzz · January 2014

i would have a serious talk with your friend, even if it ends the friendship. and yes, i agree with Nola. say what you need to say to this guy and then do what you can to cut him from your life altogether. while i agree that he is a significant other and "technically" should be included, this is a special situation. making unwanted advances sort of trumps etiquette and should be handled.

i know it stinks, but your friend may know her husband is a creep and just wants to put it out of her mind. so if they are a package deal, maybe it's time to just let them go until your friend comes around.

FiancB · January 2014

I agree that unless he's doing predator level type stuff I would just invite him. You will be way too busy to deal with or notice his crap anyway. If he does pull anything I would school him but otherwise I think you've done all you can do. It's good that you told your friend but since she doesn't want to believe it I'd try to let it go.

ReturnOfKuus · January 2014

What have you said to this guy when he has been inappropriate?

clarke10 · January 2014

You really should invite him. Have you done anything to stop these advances?

NOLABridesmaid · January 2014

Look, if you check him and it continues and you have told your friend that he has made passes and she down plays it, then the ladies are right. Let her know that you will no longer be able to socialize with them as a couple because of the said passes, and call it a day.

tawillers · January 2014

I'm really surprised at how many people said you need to invite someone who makes you so uncomfortable to your own wedding.

As wzz said, the discussion may end the friendship, but is it worth keeping her as a friend if it means you are skeeved out every time you are around him?

ETA: Please do not listen to the person who said you shouldn't pursue a conversation about this situation because your friend might resent you. You do not have to sit quietly while someone makes you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd go a step beyond @nolabridesmaid 's cussing out and knee him right in his junk if for some insane reason he ever got close to me again (because for me the first time would have been the last time).

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

Thanks for all replies !! and of course I did something !! I told her, she just brushed it off like I took it the wrong way. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't. I'm a very non confrontational person and I do not like drama. Not only does he make me uncomfortable, but my fiance as well. Just trying to handle this in the best way possible. Thank you to everyone who has replied

KatWAG · January 2014

tawillers said:

I'm really surprised at how many people said you need to invite someone who makes you so uncomfortable to your own wedding.

As wzz said, the discussion may end the friendship, but is it worth keeping her as a friend if it means you are skeeved out every time you are around him?

ETA: Please do not listen to the person who said you shouldn't pursue a conversation about this situation because your friend might resent you. You do not have to sit quietly while someone makes you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd go a step beyond @nolabridesmaid 's cussing out and knee him right in his junk if for some insane reason he ever got close to me again (because for me the first time would have been the last time).

Yea, that was me. The OP has already said something to her friend. Her friend brushed her off and didnt want to hear. So you think the OP should keep bringing it? When its clear the friend has no interest in changing the situation

Wzz · January 2014

The OP also said that he continues to make advances and continues to try making her uncomfortable.

i'm with you Taw - i am shocked at how many poeple think he needs to be invited even though he still makes her uncomfortable.

tawillers · January 2014

KatWAG said:

tawillers said:

I'm really surprised at how many people said you need to invite someone who makes you so uncomfortable to your own wedding.

As wzz said, the discussion may end the friendship, but is it worth keeping her as a friend if it means you are skeeved out every time you are around him?

ETA: Please do not listen to the person who said you shouldn't pursue a conversation about this situation because your friend might resent you. You do not have to sit quietly while someone makes you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd go a step beyond @nolabridesmaid 's cussing out and knee him right in his junk if for some insane reason he ever got close to me again (because for me the first time would have been the last time).
Yea, that was me. The OP has already said something to her friend. Her friend brushed her off and didnt want to hear. So you think the OP should keep bringing it? When its clear the friend has no interest in changing the situation

You said he "absolutely" needs an invite. I disagree. A discussion about why her husband is not invited to the wedding is in order and it may end the friendship.

Wzz · January 2014

taw - you know what, though? i'm shocked at the replies in general lately.

Wzz · January 2014

see, if it is a personality thing - he might be a close talker and that bugs you for example - then i can see letting it go. but if he made a pass at you and continues to make you uncomfortable, there is no reason you have to just accept his behavior just to be nice. if this happened in the workplace, it's sexual harassment.

KatWAG · January 2014

tawillers said:

KatWAG said:

tawillers said:

I'm really surprised at how many people said you need to invite someone who makes you so uncomfortable to your own wedding.

As wzz said, the discussion may end the friendship, but is it worth keeping her as a friend if it means you are skeeved out every time you are around him?

ETA: Please do not listen to the person who said you shouldn't pursue a conversation about this situation because your friend might resent you. You do not have to sit quietly while someone makes you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd go a step beyond @nolabridesmaid 's cussing out and knee him right in his junk if for some insane reason he ever got close to me again (because for me the first time would have been the last time).
Yea, that was me. The OP has already said something to her friend. Her friend brushed her off and didnt want to hear. So you think the OP should keep bringing it? When its clear the friend has no interest in changing the situation
You said he "absolutely" needs an invite. I disagree. A discussion about why her husband is not invited to the wedding is in order and it may end the friendship.

Yes I did say he "absolutely" needs to be invited. That was before the OP said that this has happened more than once. (not that I would change my answer)

He isn't violent or abusive, he is a creep. And I don't think being a creep is reason enough to not invite your friends husband.

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

Yeah it was definitely a pass lol. He wanted me to come over "when she was at work and he was bored and lonely." And emails and chat requests since then.

. Definitely inappropriate. I still have the proof but she didn't wanna see it

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

If I didn't think he was borderline obsessed with me I probably wouldn't be worried

tawillers · January 2014

I'm so confused by "she already talked to the friend, what is left to do about it?"

If it's a situation you dislike, remove yourself from it. It may cost you the friendship, but that's for you to decide which is more important.

NOLABridesmaid · January 2014

Hold up.

Your FI knows that this dude keeps hitting on you and HE hasn't said anything to him either?

Fran1985 · January 2014

Wzz said:

see, if it is a personality thing - he might be a close talker and that bugs you for example - then i can see letting it go. but if he made a pass at you and continues to make you uncomfortable, there is no reason you have to just accept his behavior just to be nice. if this happened in the workplace, it's sexual harassment.

The problem is that you can't have it both ways. you can't keep someone in your social circle and then not invite them to the wedding. She needs to say to the HUSBAND (not the friend) Hey dude, shut the f up and never, ever say something like that to me again. Then if it continues say hey friend, your husband won't stop being a huge creeper. What is going on? and if the friend completely denies it you say hey friend, I cant be your friend and I cant be around you because your husband is straight up harassing me.

Then you don't invite either to the wedding.

peachy0722 · January 2014

He definitely sounds like a creep and his behavior is super inappropriate. When he emails you, do you respond back that he is being an inappropriate creep?

The fact that you've already told your friend about it shows that she's not ready to hear it. And that sucks. But unfortunately, I don't think you can invite her without her husband. If he's not violent or abusive towards her, and she wants to stay in a relationship with a creep, then that's her choice and you have to respect her choice. Which means either inviting both of them or neither of them.

Honestly I doubt this guy is going to do anything to ruin your wedding. Especially (I would hope) if his wife is there next to him. But I understand not wanting him there at all.

HeatherRene83 · January 2014

No I thought it was better to ignore him then start a fight with him. The day after I told her, I got a real mean and nasty email from him and again he has sent me chat requests and other emails even after that.

CLI242009 · January 2014

I'm with taw, having someone at a function of yours so that you are keeping the peace is bullshit.

I wouldn't be inviting either of them. I would bring it up once more with the friend and if she still brushed it off then I would tell her that because your hubby makes me uncomfortable, I can not send you guys an invite.

I really don't think this friendship is worth it OP. The guy is still making passes at you or doing things that makes you uncomfortable then you need to do what you can to keep him away from you.

I know some PPs have said that he wouldn't try to do anything at your wedding. My fear would be if you're serving alcohol at your wedding OP, that he would become even bolder at his advances with some liquid courage in his system.

I wouldn't invite them. Period. End the friendship if she's going to be that blind.

VarunaTT · January 2014

I don't know why you're keeping her around either. If a friend's husband did this once, I'd nip it in the bud, twice and they'd be out of my social circle, while I told her what happened and then let her deal with anything she wanted to or not.

peachy0722 · January 2014

Well the mean and nasty email makes it more complicated. If it were me, I'd bring it to my friend's attention again, but know that it may hurt the friendship and she may still not want to hear it. This is a problem beyond just the wedding -- if you continue to be friends with her, you will also have contact with him in other social situations. I would also reply to the husband's email and tell him to STOP contacting me altogether.

As for the wedding, if she's still committed to the relationship, she may not want to come if he's not invited. If he makes you that uncomfortable, it's probably best to let it go until something changes.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I didn't read all of this, but did anyone else suggest not inviting the friend/husband at all?

Actions have consequences. If your husband is a douchecanoe and makes passes at your friends and creeps them out, the consequences is that he (and by extension you) don't get invited to events in civilised society.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

Re: Stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

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