dadzilla?

kjvaracalli · January 2014

Just wanted to hear others' thoughts on this. My dad and I have had many arguments over wedding planning, the latest today. I asked for my parents list of guests so I could create a spreadsheet with responses and food selections. I received my parents, and when added it all up, total guests came out to 240. Our venue's max is 220. I questioned my dad about this--originally he told me they had 73 guests and between me, FI, FI's family the total came to 220. But obviously my dad changed their guest list fairly drastically between before invites went out and when they went out last week. I asked my dad the plan is for these extra 20 people at the venue? He replied I was assuming 100% acceptance. I tried explaining that this wasn't my point: point was he invited more than venue could hold. And FI, FI family, and myself would have liked to invite additional ppl based off an assumption of less than 100% acceptance. But we worked with a max of 220 to whiddle down our invitees. He then replied "cool my heels. I am the host-not the invitee so cool it". Yes, he is the host and paying for the wedding, but I feel that he acted how he wanted and changed rules to not apply to him. All of us would have liked to invite more people--we already know some people can't attend--but people can also change their minds. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, and his yelling at me (again) just adds to my non-excitement with wedding planning and puts me in bad/awkward spot trying to explain this to my FI why I'm so upset (again). My FI gonna flip when he finds this out---my dad's been very very difficult to work with during wedding planning. And this doesn't make my relationship with my dad or FI's future relationship with dad easier.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I think you and your FI should tell your dad that either he drops 20 guests from his list or you will. And then follow through. He can be the one to "cool it."

And if he won't do that, you and your FI need to look for a venue that you can afford without any assistance, financial or otherwise, from your father. You might even need to be prepared for him to threaten to boycott your wedding and for him to actually not attend because he can't stop sulking.

banana468 · January 2014

Have invitations already been sent?

kjvaracalli · January 2014

Months ago we had that situation where he threatened to not attend wedding when FI and I wanted wedding where we live (5 hrs from where my family is). Invites are out--wedding is March 1st which is pretty soon.

MNVegas · January 2014

kjvaracalli said:

Just wanted to hear others' thoughts on this. My dad and I have had many arguments over wedding planning, the latest today. I asked for my parents list of guests so I could create a spreadsheet with responses and food selections. I received my parents, and when added it all up, total guests came out to 240. Our venue's max is 220. I questioned my dad about this--originally he told me they had 73 guests and between me, FI, FI's family the total came to 220. But obviously my dad changed their guest list fairly drastically between before invites went out and when they went out last week. I asked my dad the plan is for these extra 20 people at the venue? He replied I was assuming 100% acceptance. I tried explaining that this wasn't my point: point was he invited more than venue could hold. And FI, FI family, and myself would have liked to invite additional ppl based off an assumption of less than 100% acceptance. But we worked with a max of 220 to whiddle down our invitees. He then replied "cool my heels. I am the host-not the invitee so cool it". Yes, he is the host and paying for the wedding, but I feel that he acted how he wanted and changed rules to not apply to him. All of us would have liked to invite more people--we already know some people can't attend--but people can also change their minds. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, and his yelling at me (again) just adds to my non-excitement with wedding planning and puts me in bad/awkward spot trying to explain this to my FI why I'm so upset (again). My FI gonna flip when he finds this out---my dad's been very very difficult to work with during wedding planning. And this doesn't make my relationship with my dad or FI's future relationship with dad easier.

I'm confused. Your invitations went out and you didn't know who you invited to your wedding?

kjvaracalli · January 2014

I did have my parents' invite list. When I recently asked for spouse's names etc from my family I got a different list than originally given to me. He added 20 extra people without telling me. I (believe) he is acting that since he is paying for the reception, that he can do as he pleases with some of the planning. I (feel) that's what he did here. I know that some things we just accept since he is paying. That comes with the territory, but I feel this is just wrong. And it's rude. And, it's more than the venue can hold! Where are these people going to sit!??!

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Yes I don't see how this is possible-- how did invites go out that were over the venue max and you didn't know it? Why were so many invitations even printed, never mind sent without your knowledge?

The only way to fix this now is A) pray 20 people say no, and

have your dad work something out with the venue to host those additional people correctly.

Look, I wish my dad was paying anything to help with my wedding. You are very lucky. But unfortunately accepting money from someone for your wedding means you need to deal with their bs. You must emphasize to your dad that everyone needs to be properly hosted. No sticking extra chairs in another room. He needs to approach the venue PRONTO and fix this. And next time, don't accept money from him now that he's shown his true colors.

ETA: OP, just saw your response above (I didn't refresh the page for a few mins I guess). Yeah, your dad went behind your back. But I still don't understand how the invites actually got in the mail. Who addressed these invites and mailed them?

JCbride2015 · January 2014

kjvaracalli said:

I did have my parents' invite list. When I recently asked for spouse's names etc from my family I got a different list than originally given to me. He added 20 extra people without telling me. I (believe) he is acting that since he is paying for the reception, that he can do as he pleases with some of the planning. I (feel) that's what he did here. I know that some things we just accept since he is paying. That comes with the territory, but I feel this is just wrong. And it's rude. And, it's more than the venue can hold! Where are these people going to sit!??!

That is what he's doing. While mailing extra invitations above the venue max crosses a line and is inappropriate, in general "they who pay get a say." Your dad is paying, so he's entitled to "do as he pleases with some of the planning." That just comes with the territory when you accept money, especially 100% funding.

Note I am not defending his actions with the invites. That's still wrong because the venue literally cannot host these people. He seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of how event halls actually work.

JaxInBlue · January 2014

If your invitations have already gone out, they cannot be withdrawn or reversed, so I think it's best to try to move beyond the frustration and decide what your plan B is going to be if more than 220 people accept your invitation. Your dad's offer to pay for your wedding, and your acceptance of that offer, clearly had more strings than were originally communicated and short of cancelling your current plans and working with your FI to pay for your wedding yourselves, your most immediate option, to me, appears to be to try to make this work.

Look critically at your guest list. Who do you absolutely know is not coming? Where does that leave you attendance-wise? What are the penalties for exceeding 220 for your venue, including whether or not you are in jeopardy of exceeding the fire/safety code? If you have 225 or 230 people, can your venue host them? Get your dad involved in finding this information out - especially as it relates to other items you might need - chairs, linens, centerpieces, escort cards, favors, etc.

Collect all the invitation materials from you parents and your future in-laws. Do not allow any other invitations to be issued, to anyone, whether or not there are declines. Tell everyone that your guest list is absolutely locked down and no additions can be made. And from now on, when you are working to host something with or through your parents, make sure you review the guest list before invitations go out so that everyone is on the same page.

NYCMercedes · January 2014

You asked: dadzilla? Yes, most definitely!

phira · January 2014

If the invitations have already gone out, there's nothing you can do. But if it helps AT ALL, your dad sounds like he's the host, and this is HIS major mistake and faux pas.

I might call the venue and ask them if there's any way to accommodate any additional guests. They probably can't, but it's worth the phone call.

Definitely a dadzilla!

MairePoppy · January 2014

Whoever is hosting, get to invite whoever he wishes. Your dad used poor judgement in inviting more guests than the venue will hold, though. Since your invitations have been sent out, you only option is to call the banquet manager and ask if there is some way to accommodate the overflow. Otherwise, keep your fingers crossed that you get 20 declines.

banana468 · January 2014

Good news! If extras say yes then your dad has to buy a new pair of tap shoes.

I agree that his actions are frustrating but they are all his. HE gets to figure out how to get out of it.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

Your dad is so in the wrong here. Yes, if he's paying he can invite who he wants, but what is he (yes he, since this is his problem) going to do if more than 220 accept? Dear old Daddy needs to figure it out. I'm sure he thinks it's unlikely that he'll have a 90% acceptance rate, but you never know.

kjvaracalli said:

Just wanted to hear others' thoughts on this. My dad and I have had many arguments over wedding planning, the latest today. I asked for my parents list of guests so I could create a spreadsheet with responses and food selections. I received my parents, and when added it all up, total guests came out to 240. Our venue's max is 220. I questioned my dad about this--originally he told me they had 73 guests and between me, FI, FI's family the total came to 220. But obviously my dad changed their guest list fairly drastically between before invites went out and when they went out last week. I asked my dad the plan is for these extra 20 people at the venue? He replied I was assuming 100% acceptance. I tried explaining that this wasn't my point: point was he invited more than venue could hold. And FI, FI family, and myself would have liked to invite additional ppl based off an assumption of less than 100% acceptance. But we worked with a max of 220 to whiddle down our invitees. He then replied "cool my heels. I am the host-not the invitee so cool it". Yes, he is the host and paying for the wedding, but I feel that he acted how he wanted and changed rules to not apply to him. All of us would have liked to invite more people--we already know some people can't attend--but people can also change their minds. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, and his yelling at me (again) just adds to my non-excitement with wedding planning and puts me in bad/awkward spot trying to explain this to my FI why I'm so upset (again). My FI gonna flip when he finds this out---my dad's been very very difficult to work with during wedding planning. And this doesn't make my relationship with my dad or FI's future relationship with dad easier.

I'm confused about the bolded. Were you planning to invite more people, but now your dad has made that impossible now, because it's already over? Or were you going to invite people when others declined. Please don't do this, it's incredibly rude.

And let this be a lesson for other brides. Send out your own invitations. Don't let Mom, Dad, or grandma do it, because things like this may happen. I don't think it's strange that dad sent it out, because he is the host (are you receiving the responses, OP?), but it's not wise. I'm sending my own invitations, but my parents are receiving the responses.

I hope it works out for you, and if weren't for the fact that it would affect you OP, I'd almost hope for more than 220, so your dad can squirm.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I took OP's comment about wanting to invite more based off less than 100 per cent acceptance rate to mean she and her FI would have liked to invite more people (and over-invite) but didn't because she knew to plan for 100 per cent acceptance, not that she wanted to B-list.

But I could be wrong.

Inkdancer · January 2014

What your dad did was super rude, but I don't understand how it happened.

Allowing your family to pay for something doesn't mean they get full control over it. It sounds like you let your parents send the invites.

Do what you can to take control of the rest of the situation to make sure that all of your guests are hosted properly. I guess make the best of this, and take it as a lesson for the future.

kjvaracalli · January 2014

To clarify: I NEVER would B-list and invite additional ppl after the fact. What I meant to write was that FI, myself and FI's family all made cuts to our lists to have a total of 220 invitees. There were other ppl all of us would have liked to invite but the venue max is 220. So we adjusted our invite list based on venue number. Each family could invite 110 guests (a lot!).

In hindsight, I made a mistake trusting my dad to handle mailing out the invites. I live 5 hrs away from where we're getting married, plus I work 60+hr weeks and am on call frequently. I thought to help ease all that is on my plate, I could delegate my dad to mail out the invitations and receive response cards. I am learning a tough lesson here. Sadly, I feel I was lied to. Yes, my family is the host, yes that gives them some additional say with how the event runs. It does not give the host the right to lie. I'm more hurt b/c I was outright lied to and he yells at me that I'm over-reacting and in the wrong. They gave me their invite list so I could see # of invites to order. He then added extra 20 people (most of these are "guests/+1s" of singles). I was told verbally and over email total number of their guests. He then added 20 ppl to that number without my knowledge. Moreover, my mom is passive and won't stand up to my dad even if she thinks I'm right, and my sister/MOH who lives at home with my parents won't stick up with me either---it's his way or the highway (anyone who has an Italian dad here knows what I mean). Technically since he is host, it is his worry how to treat guests right---and he/we were not going to be at a venue where guests would sit in multiple rooms. That will not happen. The venue has space for 220+ but not in the room we reserved. I'm mostly just hurt because I feel like I can't trust him and we were very close (I'm not real close with my mom). It certainly makes me look at him differently. I'm also concerned that guests will be uncomfy. My dad keeps assuming that 100% acceptance is never going to happen and yells at me that 100% won't happen (I would be THRILLED if this were the case). He balks when I state you don't know until guests reply and tells me I'm over reacting and being bridezilla and ungrateful. I'm not ungrateful. It's just been emotionally exhausting being 33 years old and yelled at all the time since June when FI and I got engaged and feeling like there's no one in my family I can talk to. Sorry for the message board diarrhea on here....

Inkdancer · January 2014

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Your dad seems like he is used to getting his way, and anything else is not okay with him.

It would be awesome if we lived in a world where we could always trust our parents to have our backs. I hope that after your wedding, your dad chills out and goes back to being your close friend.

ktjanesmom · January 2014

Has anyone, in the history of the world, invited that many people and had 100 % show up? I dont THINK so. Blah blah blah I know what you're all going to say. I say don't fret!

MobKaz · January 2014

There is another potential control issue you may have to consider. Let's just say that the worse case scenario happens and you now have more guests than you can accommodate. Which 20 guests do you think will get the shaft? You will also have to come up with additional centerpieces to accommodate those extra tables....wherever they are.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

mobkaz said:
There is another potential control issue you may have to consider. Let's just say that the worse case scenario happens and you now have more guests than you can accommodate. Which 20 guests do you think will get the shaft? You will also have to come up with additional centerpieces to accommodate those extra tables....wherever they are.

And favours. And food. And drinks. And so on.

MairePoppy · January 2014

scribe95 I think the 20 extra guests came in the form of plus ones.@kjvaracalli Your dad probably didn't set out to deceive or betray you. He may have thought of those plus ones, as he was writing out the invitations. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but maybe it wasn't malicious.

If you move to the larger room, you won't have to worry about it anymore. To me, it would be worth it to know that each of my guests would be comfortable with a proper place to sit, a favor, a centerpiece, etc...

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Who signed the contract with the venue? The person they will hold responsible if you go over the max number of guests is that person. I hope it wasn't you or your FI. You shouldn't have to deal with their wrath if you go over. Hopefully, it was your dad who signed. I would definitely be on the phone with your venue Monday morning to hash out a plan B.

If the invitations had to be ordered in lots of 25 or 50, and you had to round the number up to have enough to send plus a few extras for keepsakes, mistakes, or lost in the mails, then it stands to reason that there were enough left to send to more people, especially if the majority were sent as guests or plus ones that would have been written on the same invitation as the original guest.

lizandmark2014 · January 2014

What is Fire code? It is illegal for your venue in most places to host more than fire code allows. This May or may not help you in your debate. I would also ask for clarification, like whom is married to whom and what children they have. (Assuming he added family units.)

kmmssg · January 2014

OP - I am really sorry you are in this position. I am also really sorry to see the damage your father has done to your relationship. Do you think he will ever figure that out, or does he never stray from his way or the highway enough to look at the repercussions?

If you can get a larger room I would really encourage you to do so just for the peace of mind. If you can take that stress off of your plate it will be worth it.

It saddens me when parents do this to their children. My 4th DD is getting married this Summer and I issued the invitations for 2 of the past weddings and will for hers. While there are definitely some Golden Rules that must be followed if you want my help in paying/hosting your wedding, I would never pull shenanigans with my girls or with their weddings. They know that invitations will only be sent to those they approved on their guest list.

I would never want to break the trust we have and hurt them like that. I am also well aware of who will be choosing my nursing home and there is no sense muddying THOSE waters over a wedding, if you know what I mean.

kazza25 · January 2014

What would worry me now is, if dad is also in charge of the responses, and you get declines from yours and FILs lists, will he be B-listing and filling up those spaces with more of his friends? Is there any way you could take back control of the guestlist?

Lamiavita · January 2014

As I understand it... The actual invite list is still the same. There were no additional invites, as such, just that "John, Jim, and Joe" were three separate invites, and now dad has sent the invites, it's "John + 1, Jim + 1, and Joe +1". So still three invites, just now it's six people.

I have nothing useful to add, PPs have covered it really... I just wanted to say that FI's family are Sicilian. He and his father barely talk, and are a "cold civil" at best when they do. FI has had years of his dads "I'm right and that's how it is" attitude and prefers to avoid it and him altogether.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

OP, after reading your responses I want to soften my tone from my first posts. Yeah, be thankful your dad is helping (which you are)-- but it also sounds like your dad is really acting like a jerk and that's actually the part you are most upset about. You mentioned three times that your dad is yelling at you. That really sucks. My dad had anger problems until he entered therapy while I was in college, and it was miserable for everyone. It sounds like your dad has really damaged your relationship over some weird desire to host as many people as possible for your wedding.

Keep standing up for yourself even though your mom and sister don't. Be respectful to your dad but maybe the next time he yells at you, you could just say, "I'm 33 years old and I don't have to listen to you yell any more. Please lower your voice, or I'm going to hang up the phone/ leave the room until you calm down." And then do it. I used to pull this on my dad when I was a teenager and it really helped. I'd listen to whatever he was trying to tell me/ do whatever chore he was asking for/ etc., but I just would not listen to him yell.

KickAssMOH · January 2014

kazza25 said:

What would worry me now is, if dad is also in charge of the responses, and you get declines from yours and FILs lists, will he be B-listing and filling up those spaces with more of his friends? Is there any way you could take back control of the guestlist?

This is what I was thinking the entire time I was reading through this thread! Make sure dadzilla doesn't B-list! If your sister won't talk to him about it, the least she could do is scan the house for extra invites and shred them immediately.

Bubblegum5586 · January 2014

ktjanesmom said:

Has anyone, in the history of the world, invited that many people and had 100 % show up? I dont THINK so. Blah blah blah I know what you're all going to say. I say don't fret!

100% is unlikely... but it does happen! When I was talking to my MIL how we invited alot of people and I wouldn't mind if we had a decent amount to decline... she told me about her and FIL's wedding. They invited in the low 200's on Memorial day weekend... thinking since its such a big weekend alot will decline... and EVERYONE came! I bet everything will work on for OP but she should still have a plan B in case they do go over....

kjvaracalli · January 2014

Thank you all for hearing me out. There will be no B-listing. As for fire code concerns, it's not an issue. We'll see how this goes forward and especially this weekend when I'm back at my parents' for dress fitting #2/hair trial.

dadzilla?

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