At a loss

themuffinman16 · January 2014

FI and I have been fighting over the dumbest stuff, lately. It has been making me wonder if we should get married at all. This amount of fighting can't be normal. So I think there is an underlying issue, like he does not want to get married. I have talked to him about it and he says he does want to get married, but he does not act like it. At first, he said I should plan the wedding, because he has no interest in it.

He has fought with me over the venue, even though I picked the least expensive venue, out of the ones we narrowed it down to. He has fought with me over children at the reception ( he has 10 sets of aunts and uncles and they each have 5 children). If we invited all of those kids, plus his huge guest list, it would financially break us. My step-mom paid for the dress, and even though he didn't pay for it, he thinks it is too expensive.

He has fought with me even on the colors of the wedding. I have never heard a guy making an issue out of that. He wants black tuxes. I, originally, wanted black tuxes too, and wanted the bridesmaids in periwinkle dresses. Now, two of the bridesmaids are pregnant, and asked me to make sure the dress I wanted them to get looks good on them, as they will have just had a baby. Navy is more flattering for my bridesmaids, and I feel black tuxes with navy would clash. So I thought gray tuxes with periwinkle bowties or neckties would complement the navy dresses. At first he said he trusted my judgement, and then he started arguing about it.

We have fought about the photographer, and everything else. It was my idea to elope and get married overseas. He wants a big wedding (I am fine with that), but he acts like a wedding of 150 people will not cost us anything. I am well within our set budget, especially after my step-mom paid for my dress, and his father is paying for the dj, and my family gave us money for dance lessons as a christmas present.

Then we had a couple of bad arguments, over bigger stuff. Like his cousin who tried to attack me. Her husband tried to keep her off me and wound up looking like he drove through a plate glass window, she scratched his face up to that extent. I wanted my FI to talk to his cousin to make sure she did not cause trouble on our wedding day.... he is adamant that she attends. Everyone else I talk to is appalled she would even get an invitation. But that is one of the things I have conceded, because he says his family is very important. Except, I still think she needs to be addressed before the wedding. The other big argument is I wanted him to mention to his friends that our wedding will have my family there, too. Comments like "do her in the butt" shouted during our vows are not appreciated, Nor is a mock BJ on the dance floor. (witnessed both of these romantic gestures at different weddings his friends have attended). I have my family there, and I am sure most families would expect that humor at a bachelor party and not a wedding. I normally would not tell people what to say, I have seen people get drunk at weddings, but I never have seen it taken to that level of disrespect.

I didn't want to have any flower girls or jr. bridesmaids. He said he did, I conceded that. Whatever I do, there is going to be something else he disagrees with. We have been together for a very long time, before he proposed. And to me, these fights sound like someone who does not want to get married. I don't know what to do, I told him no married couple agrees 100% of the time, but he disagrees with me 100% of the time. I can't help but think he does not want to get married. I have tried talking with him, but I get nowhere. I do not want him marrying me, because he thinks he has to. I want him to marry me because he wants to. And, lately, I am not getting the vibe that he wants to, even if he tells me otherwise. We should be really happy, right now. I know we will argue sometimes, but not all the time, and not over silly problems like centerpieces, wedding colors, types of appetizers (4 kinds are to his, mine, and his family's taste, and one kind is something my family would appreciate). Naturally, he had a problem with that one appetizer. So I guess I just need input. Is it normal to fight this much?

NavyBlue143 · January 2014

Honestly, if this were my fiancé and he was this difficult, I'd tell him to plan it his damn self if nothing I did was good enough. It's one thing to have an opinion and preference, it's another to bash everything, even the dress that impacts him not at all.

Have you asked him why he fights you so much? Have you asked him what his vision of the day is? What compromises he is willing to make, because it sounds like you are making them all. It's not fair for either of you to have to give up everything. Also, not implying that you're doing this, but just make sure you're not making decisions and telling him how it's going to be. It sounds like you may have changed the colors without asking or discussing with him. That would have upset me too. But maybe you didn't.

Also, if he wanted to invite someone who had attacked me to our wedding, I wouldn't marry him. Your wedding makes the two of you a new family, and you are supposed to put your spouse before all others. He clearly is not prepared to do that if a violent cousin is more important than your safety. I would make this my hill to die on, if I were you.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Any decision I have made, I have run by him. It was his sisters that wanted the darker color dresses. He initially was fine with it. But weeks later he was arguing with me about it.

He then said the centerpieces I wanted he didn't want, after he said they were fine with him. Weeks later, he changed his mind and wanted a world of warcraft centerpieces with action figures (video game). I wanted flowers (you know typical wedding centerpieces.) It just seemed like he was just being difficult to be difficult, so I told him he can plan the wedding however he likes. He said if he had to plan the wedding, there won't be one. Which lead me to question him if he wanted a wedding, and if this was his way of getting out of it. He said he very much wanted to marry me, and was not trying to get out of the wedding.

The argument with his cousin happened years ago, but she has never apologized to me, which leads me to believe her opinions of me have never changed. She drinks with medication and it makes her aggressive. She has gotten aggressive at two weddings and one wedding she had to be taken away by ambulance. His family dismisses it as "she gets like that when she drinks." I will give her the benefit of the doubt, since this altercation was years ago, as long as he talks to her. I told him if she does anything to ruin our wedding, security will escort her out.

GBCK · January 2014

On getting to dress himself, that I get.

But...why would you want to be with someone who thinks the comfort of someone who physically attacked you is more important than your happiness?

themuffinman16 · January 2014

I never cared about what he wore. I wanted him to wear the black. It's just that after his sister's said they weren't sure periwinkle would look good on them, I mentioned to him the alternate color of navy. he said he was okay with it. So I told his sister's they could wear navy, and now, I just look like a jerk to them because I am going back on my word.

SBmini · January 2014

I've been having similar issues with my parents. It turns out that the problem was financial and they were too embarrassed to admit they couldn't afford the wedding they promised us. So maybe the problem is something similar? It does sound like there is something underlying that is causing problems, whether that be stress about putting on the perfect wedding, pressure from someone else, or money.

I finally solved my problems with my parents by having a very honest conversation with them. I didn't latch onto any of the accusations they made and instead stayed on topic and explained myself and told them how I was perceiving their feelings based on their actions. It was a hard, but very productive talk. If you can't have the talk on your own with him, that I would seriously consider pre marital counseling. It's a good thing to do in general, and the counselor can mediate the conversation to hopefully get to the root of the problem.

GBCK · January 2014

So, the dress thing vs. the putting you in a situation where you have to deal w/ someone who physically assaulted you--forest for the trees.

I mean, the dress/tux thing is assy, but, eh, these things happen. And I think there are some compromises you guys could find.

But, why would we even be discussing that when the OTHER thing is still hanging out there?

I mean, that's

The other is a gaping open wound that's hemorrhaging all over the place. The dress/tux issue is a paper cut.

You are marrying a man who values the relationship/saving face/convenience of someone who assaulted you over your physical well being.
He is telling you her showing up without being told that was inappropriate is more important than the (understandable) fact that you feel uncomfortable with someone who may attack you being all poised and ready to, youi know, attack you.

^BIG HAIRY DEAL.

red flag waving

(and the fact that he doesn't see the dysfunction of the family being all 'oh, she's just like that' excuse is a flag in and of itself)

Worth cancelling a wedding over.

IMPERATIVE that you get couples counseling about this now.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

FI and I have been fighting over the dumbest stuff, lately. It has been making me wonder if we should get married at all. This amount of fighting can't be normal. So I think there is an underlying issue, like he does not want to get married. I have talked to him about it and he says he does want to get married, but he does not act like it. At first, he said I should plan the wedding, because he has no interest in it.   That's a pretty shitty attitude for someone who supposedly wants to get married. I can understand not wanting to be involved in some details- like picking out colors or flowers, but to say he has no interest in the wedding at all is shitty.
He has fought with me over the venue, even though I picked the least expensive venue, out of the ones we narrowed it down to. I thought he had no interest in planning? He has fought with me over children at the reception ( he has 10 sets of aunts and uncles and they each have 5 children). If we invited all of those kids, plus his huge guest list, it would financially break us. My step-mom paid for the dress, and even though he didn't pay for it, he thinks it is too expensive.   That's not really his concern.
He has fought with me even on the colors of the wedding. I thought he had no interest in planning? I have never heard a guy making an issue out of that. He wants black tuxes. I, originally, wanted black tuxes too, and wanted the bridesmaids in periwinkle dresses. Now, two of the bridesmaids are pregnant, and asked me to make sure the dress I wanted them to get looks good on them, as they will have just had a baby. Navy is more flattering for my bridesmaids, and I feel black tuxes with navy would clash. Navy and black don't clash. Since he is wearing the tux, he should get to decide what color and style it is. You got to pick your dress, right? So I thought gray tuxes with periwinkle bowties or neckties would complement the navy dresses. At first he said he trusted my judgement, and then he started arguing about it. Let him choose his attire and the GM attire. Or at least talk to him to see if this can be a joint decision.
We have fought about the photographer, and everything else. It was my idea to elope and get married overseas. He wants a big wedding (I am fine with that), but he acts like a wedding of 150 people will not cost us anything. I am well within our set budget, especially after my step-mom paid for my dress, and his father is paying for the dj, and my family gave us money for dance lessons as a christmas present.
Then we had a couple of bad arguments, over bigger stuff. Like his cousin who tried to attack me. Her husband tried to keep her off me and wound up looking like he drove through a plate glass window, she scratched his face up to that extent. I wanted my FI to talk to his cousin to make sure she did not cause trouble on our wedding day.... he is adamant that she attends.   Uh, no. This is a HUGE problem. This cousin should not be within 100 miles of your or your wedding. She physically assaulted you and her own husband! You need to find a way to get through to your FI or tell him that if she shows up on your wedding day you will ask someone to escort her off of the premises, and if she refuses you will call the police and have them remove her. I would absolutely die on this hill. I would not walk down the aisle if she is invited and is present. Everyone else I talk to is appalled she would even get an invitation. But that is one of the things I have conceded, because he says his family is very important. Um, fuck him. YOU are going to become HIS family, and therefore you should be his priority and he should have your back. I would seriously reconsider marrying a man who would demand that the person who assaulted you be allowed anywhere near you. I would seriously reconsider marrying a man who chooses that type of family over his future wife. Except, I still think she needs to be addressed before the wedding. The other big argument is I wanted him to mention to his friends that our wedding will have my family there, too. Comments like "do her in the butt" shouted during our vows are not appreciated, Nor is a mock BJ on the dance floor. (witnessed both of these romantic gestures at different weddings his friends have attended). I have my family there, and I am sure most families would expect that humor at a bachelor party and not a wedding. I normally would not tell people what to say, I have seen people get drunk at weddings, but I never have seen it taken to that level of disrespect. There isn't much you or he can do here- you can't control the behavior of other adults. And I think if these guys are crude enough to act this way at a wedding to begin with, they would take any admonishment prior to your wedding as an open invitation to go out of their way to be inappropriate dicks. If they start getting out of hand or make you uncomfortable have an usher or DOC escort them out and if they refuse call the cops.

Why in the hell does your FI associate with ppl like this to begin with?

I didn't want to have any flower girls or jr. bridesmaids. He said he did, I conceded that. There is no such thing as a jr. bridesmaid and if this was a family member of his, then she should stand up on his side. You get to pick your bridal party and he gets to pick his. Whatever I do, there is going to be something else he disagrees with. And are you constantly going to give in to what he wants? Because it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of giving into his desires all the time. Does he ever compromise for you? We have been together for a very long time, before he proposed.   Did you have the same issues with him during that time? I suspect yes. And to me, these fights sound like someone who does not want to get married. He is acting like a person who is selfish, inconsiderate of your feelings and well being, and who is controlling. I don't know what to do, I told him no married couple agrees 100% of the time, but he disagrees with me 100% of the time. He never compromises with you? He never sacrifices what he wants for you? Huge red flags. I can't help but think he does not want to get married. I don't think his behavior has anything to do with not wanting to get married. I think he is just behaving how he always behaves, and maybe now you are just waking up to it? Maybe now you are seeing that this relationship isn't very healthy? I have tried talking with him, but I get nowhere. I do not want him marrying me, because he thinks he has to. I want him to marry me because he wants to. The question is, WHY do YOU want to marry him? Why do you want to tie yourself to a person who never agrees with you, doesn't compromise with you, puts his family ahead of you, even after a member has physically assaulted you, etc? And, lately, I am not getting the vibe that he wants to, even if he tells me otherwise. We should be really happy, right now. I know we will argue sometimes, but not all the time, and not over silly problems like centerpieces, wedding colors, types of appetizers (4 kinds are to his, mine, and his family's taste, and one kind is something my family would appreciate). Naturally, he had a problem with that one appetizer. So I guess I just need input. Is it normal to fight this much?

I think you need to re-read what you have told us, and take the wedding out of it. Pretend you are not getting married and evaluate if your FI"s behaviors have always been like that. And really think about if he is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

If you still feel you want to marry him, I'd postpone the wedding until you both go to couple's therapy and work on some of these issues. If he refuses to go, that is a major red flag and I'd consider going to therapy w/o him.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

GBCK said:

So, the dress thing vs. the putting you in a situation where you have to deal w/ someone who physically assaulted you--forest for the trees.

I mean, the dress/tux thing is assy, but, eh, these things happen. And I think there are some compromises you guys could find.
But, why would we even be discussing that when the OTHER thing is still hanging out there?
I mean, that's

The other is a gaping open wound that's hemorrhaging all over the place. The dress/tux issue is a paper cut.

You are marrying a man who values the relationship/saving face/convenience of someone who assaulted you over your physical well being.
He is telling you her showing up without being told that was inappropriate is more important than the (understandable) fact that you feel uncomfortable with someone who may attack you being all poised and ready to, youi know, attack you.
^BIG HAIRY DEAL.
red flag waving
(and the fact that he doesn't see the dysfunction of the family being all 'oh, she's just like that' excuse is a flag in and of itself)
Worth cancelling a wedding over.
IMPERATIVE that you get couples counseling about this now.

Totally agree.

cmiles89 · January 2014

Like PP's have said, allll the red flags here.

Please take an honest look at your entire relationship with this douche, please. If he is this way about a wedding (which is a big deal, but not THE biggest thing that will happen in your life), how will he be about other, even more important things, IE having kids, death in the family, committing to buying a house?

He sounds like he is being contrary and unsupportive. This would be totally unacceptable for me, not at all what I want the rest of my life to be like.

vt&dt · January 2014

@PrettyGirlLost's suggestion is right on. If you hadn't started planning a wedding - would this cause you to question your relationship? It sounds like it probably should.

@dmyrick78, I almost got married a few years ago to someone I do not doubt would have ended up physically abusing me. All of the warning signs were there and I ignored them and made excuses for until about 3 weeks before the wedding was scheduled.

Canceling a wedding that you've started to plan is hard. It really stinks. But it is SO MUCH BETTER than staying in a relationship where you are not respected, honored, or considered above family politics.

I always like to think of the traditional vows - if your FI isn't at least trying to do all of these things, he certainly won't as a husband. Things get harder, not easier, as time goes on. The promises in those (at least the version we plan on using) include: to love, comfort, honor, keep (other versions use cherish)... forsaking all others.

It doesn't sound like he is comforting you after being attacked by his cousin, honoring you by refusing to confront the situation, or forsake anything for your safety/comfort/peace of mind.

We don't know the whole situation, and obviously not many of the positive aspects, but just knowing what I know - if I were you, I would demand counseling, consider strongly postponing the wedding, and walk away (or run!) if he doesn't want to go to counseling or change the way he's handling things.

Like PP's have said - the tux thing is not a huge deal, it's probably more common than everyone thinks for couples to have some disagreements about wedding details. The cousin attacking you/her husband and the way your FI has failed to stand up for you sounds like a deal-breaker.

CLI242009 · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

dmyrick78 said:

There is no such thing as a jr. bridesmaid

*STUCK IN THE BOX*

Really? I see them all the time. Hell I was one when I was about 11-12 years old for my brother's wedding.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

We do argue about things. We don't always see eye to eye. But, since we started wedding planning, he seems to have a problem with everything I do. I am starting to feel like he thinks I am extremely unreasonable. I don't know what has changed. But as I said, he seemed fine, with every decision, and then a couple weeks later, what I want is ridiculous. To me, it is almost like he is bouncing these ideas of someone else, and this person thought I was being too controlling. You know how guys have that one friend who think getting married is like clipping a man's wings. Or it could be money issues. Maybe he thought he didn't want to plan a wedding,and got upset that it does not have his personal touch. It just seems like there is something more. We don't usually argue like this. We do argue, naturally, neither of us is perfect. But we usually found common ground and it was very infrequent. We are having phase 3 of the Fireside Talks, tonight. If I can't find out what is the underlying issue, if there is one, I will have no choice but to postpone the wedding... and figure out where to go from there.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

CLI242009 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

dmyrick78 said:

There is no such thing as a jr. bridesmaid

*STUCK IN THE BOX*

Really? I see them all the time. Hell I was one when I was about 11-12 years old for my brother's wedding.

It's a stupid label from the wedding industry. I think it's dumb to denote someone as jr just because of their age.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

We do argue about things. We don't always see eye to eye. But, since we started wedding planning, he seems to have a problem with everything I do. I am starting to feel like he thinks I am extremely unreasonable. I don't know what has changed. But as I said, he seemed fine, with every decision, and then a couple weeks later, what I want is ridiculous. To me, it is almost like he is bouncing these ideas of someone else, and this person thought I was being too controlling. You know how guys have that one friend who think getting married is like clipping a man's wings. Or it could be money issues. Maybe he thought he didn't want to plan a wedding,and got upset that it does not have his personal touch. It just seems like there is something more. We don't usually argue like this. We do argue, naturally, neither of us is perfect. But we usually found common ground and it was very infrequent. We are having phase 3 of the Fireside Talks, tonight. If I can't find out what is the underlying issue, if there is one, I will have no choice but to postpone the wedding... and figure out where to go from there.

Good luck and please let us know the outcome.

Suggest couple's counseling if you feel comfortable and depending on how the talk is going.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

I think it is a way to separate the girls from inappropriate parties for a young girl to attend like the bachelorette party, or riding in the limo if people are drinking.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Thank you ladies, for your help.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

I think it is a way to separate the girls from inappropriate parties for a young girl to attend like the bachelorette party, or riding in the limo if people are drinking.

It's still an unnecessary title and delineation.

They don't need to be invited to age inappropriate bachlorette parties, and children can see and be around people who are drinking, it's not a big deal. Are Jr BM's not invited to the reception if there is going to be an open bar? Of course they are invited.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

I think it is a way to separate the girls from inappropriate parties for a young girl to attend like the bachelorette party, or riding in the limo if people are drinking.

Sorry but that is completely absurd. Are you telling me that if a 10 year old was labeled as just a BM that you think it would be more then okay to invite her along to the local strip club and hand her a shot of whiskey? I doubt it.

People don't need titles to know when a party or limo ride is and is not appropriate for people of a certain age.

For fucks sake.

emmyg65 · January 2014

Good luck in your conversations! And remember, while calling off a wedding is hard, getting divorced is way worse.

ReturnOfKuus · January 2014

If I were you, I'd pass on guys who hang out with the kind of buffoons who yell "do her in the butt" while a couple is exchanging vows. We are the company we keep, after all.

CLI242009 · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

dmyrick78 said:

I think it is a way to separate the girls from inappropriate parties for a young girl to attend like the bachelorette party, or riding in the limo if people are drinking.

Sorry but that is completely absurd. Are you telling me that if a 10 year old was labeled as just a BM that you think it would be more then okay to invite her along to the local strip club and hand her a shot of whiskey? I doubt it.

People don't need titles to know when a party or limo ride is and is not appropriate for people of a certain age.

For fucks sake.

I have read stories (not on here in wedding magazines) where whoever is hosting the bachelorette party or bridal shower, especially if they are surprises doesn't know everyone in the BP so therefore might not know the ages of everyone. I can see how if for example the MoH asks for a list of the girls in the BP - she receives the list but there's no ages or titles (BM, FG, etc.) and she doesn't know everyone in the BP personally, I can see an invite ending up being sent to a jr BM or someone whose underage.

I know it's more common for everyone to know each other among the gals and then among the guys, but that is not the case for all BPs. So I can see a mix up.

No I don't think it's okay anyone under the age should be invited to these kinds of parties but I can see how a mix up can happen and therefore the title is used for the whole separate the legal aged gals from the under age gals.

AuntFlo · January 2014

OMG - you all are taking the whole Junior Bridesmaid thing so seriously. FWP.

RissAnn1970 · January 2014

My take? Dump him. The only - ONLY - thing he's right about is black & navy, which actually look terrific together. I know because at my sister's wedding the guys were in black & we were in navy.

But that's where it ends. He sounds like he absolutely wants to marry you... As long as you keep being a doormat. All those contrary positions: colors, food, centerpieces, type of wedding ... Every single one ... Is to see how far he can go. Every time you back down & keep planning a wedding you don't even want, he sees he's got control over you and do anything. He can get away with anything.

And he doesn't care that his cousin physically abused you because he's going to be doing the same. No counseling.

RUN.

xxrynnexx · January 2014

My take? Dump him. The only - ONLY - thing he's right about is black & navy, which actually look terrific together. I know because at my sister's wedding the guys were in black & we were in navy. But that's where it ends. He sounds like he absolutely wants to marry you... As long as you keep being a doormat. All those contrary positions: colors, food, centerpieces, type of wedding ... Every single one ... Is to see how far he can go. Every time you back down & keep planning a wedding you don't even want, he sees he's got control over you and do anything. He can get away with anything. And he doesn't care that his cousin physically abused you because he's going to be doing the same. No counseling. RUN.

*stuck in box*

That right there. He enjoys his power and knows if he can get you to back down over something like your own wedding, then he has you for life.

Wzz · January 2014

AF , i want to hear more about this junior bridesmaid debate. it's a real thought provokign discussion that i amsure will help brides to be for years to come.

please, more on the jr. bridesmaid debate. it matters.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Had a serious talk with FI, he was worried about borrowing against his 401K, and said the stress made him think everything was overwhelming. He is going to have a talk with his cousin this weekend. And let her know, that even though this altercation happened years ago, it still concerns me that she will do the same thing on our wedding day. It is my hope that she will be too offended to attend. He is telling her if she is disrespectful to me on our wedding day, in any manner, she will be escorted out by security. He apologized for being so passive aggressive when he should have come to me with his concerns like an adult instead of creating more problems than if we worked together for a solution. We will just need to tighten our belts, as far as finances. But as far as everything else for planning the wedding, he said if I feel strongly about wanting something for our wedding, then he is okay with it. And if he truly wants something, he can have it. So I have him talking to his cousin, my bridesmaids will wear navy, he said gray tuxes were okay, but I told him if he wants black, it is his day too. We haven't figured out the flower girl/ junior bridesmaid issue, but I am sure we will work that out. We are also going to go to pre-marital counseling to help us realize how to discuss things and not let stress get the best of us. It is important for couples to get along, even when they are stressed. And sharing your worries can only lead to someone being more understanding about the problem.

SBmini · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

CLI242009 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

dmyrick78 said:

There is no such thing as a jr. bridesmaid

*STUCK IN THE BOX*

Really? I see them all the time. Hell I was one when I was about 11-12 years old for my brother's wedding.

It's a stupid label from the wedding industry. I think it's dumb to denote someone as jr just because of their age.

I disagree. I was a junior bridesmaid once. It was a promotion from being a flower girl. My sister and I had our own role that was different from the flower girls and the bridesmaids so it was fitting that we had our out title. I believe we were about 10/12 at the time. Personally, I have no idea why there is so much hate for this. What does it matter to you?

JCbride2015 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

Had a serious talk with FI, he was worried about borrowing against his 401K, and said the stress made him think everything was overwhelming. He is going to have a talk with his cousin this weekend. And let her know, that even though this altercation happened years ago, it still concerns me that she will do the same thing on our wedding day. It is my hope that she will be too offended to attend. He is telling her if she is disrespectful to me on our wedding day, in any manner, she will be escorted out by security. He apologized for being so passive aggressive when he should have come to me with his concerns like an adult instead of creating more problems than if we worked together for a solution. We will just need to tighten our belts, as far as finances. But as far as everything else for planning the wedding, he said if I feel strongly about wanting something for our wedding, then he is okay with it. And if he truly wants something, he can have it. So I have him talking to his cousin, my bridesmaids will wear navy, he said gray tuxes were okay, but I told him if he wants black, it is his day too. We haven't figured out the flower girl/ junior bridesmaid issue, but I am sure we will work that out. We are also going to go to pre-marital counseling to help us realize how to discuss things and not let stress get the best of us. It is important for couples to get along, even when they are stressed. And sharing your worries can only lead to someone being more understanding about the problem.

First-- I'm glad you talked to him.

But the cousin is still going to be invited? I get that the security thing is a compromise, but I say she needs to apologize to you and show you she's moved on before she gets an invite.

Last-- why the heck were you guys borrowing against his 401(k) to finance a wedding? Of course that should have been upsetting to him! Although he should have been upfront with you instead of hiding the real issue behind a lot of little ones.

Counseling sounds like a great idea.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Again, I had no idea he was thinking about borrowing against his 401K. He just wanted a really big wedding with a lot of guests, and I guess he realized that it just wasn't possible in the same year he wanted a house. I only have 33 guests the other 140 guests are his. He has a big family. So we will have to cut the guest list and take out a few things that won't really matter, at the end of the day. But yes, his cousin has an invitation as long as he tells her what is expected of her. There are plenty of family parties, before the wedding. I think I will know before then if I need to tell her she is no longer invited. I would like to know before I send out the invites, that is why I told him to talk to her this weekend. Who knows, maybe it will let her know that people remember how you behave, even if she doesn't. And an apology won't ever make us friends, but if she can be respectful, she is welcome as a guest.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Well, we had an initial budget, but realized how unrealistic that was. We were going with 100 guests, and his family just basically brought our guest lists so high, that it made a really inexpensive venue seem like a 5 star venue. Right now, we may just have to wait a year before we look for a house.

At a loss

Re: At a loss

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