NER: Marrying a hyphen - what to do about my name?

Sars06 · January 2014

Did anyone marry someone with two last names? Did you change your name? I'm trying to decide what I should do, and I could use some help.

For the sake of illustration, I'm Jane Doe. Fiance is John Dashing Darling. Dashing is his late mom's name and Darling is his dad's name - he doesn't actually hyphenate, but he does use both last names.

I want to change my name because I like the idea of both of us and our kids having the same last name. At the same time, I'm known professionally and have published as Jane Doe, so I also want to continue to go by my own last name. If I was marrying someone with one last name, the solution would be easy - I would become Jane Doe Darling, go by all three names, and eventually drop the Doe once people began to associate me with my new last name.

But since my fiance has two last names, I don't know what to do. It seems absurd to become Jane Doe Dashing Darling, and have THREE last names. Would it be rude for me to just take his dad's last name? I don't want to seem like I'm rejecting his mom.

And if I were to do that, how would we address ourselves as a couple? I would be Jane Doe Darling and he would remain John Dashing Darling. Would we be Mr. and Mrs. John Dashing Darling? Mr. and Mrs. John Darling? Ms. Jane Doe Darling and Mr. John Dashing Darling? If it's the latter, that seems more complicated than just keeping my own name!

What have you done or seen people do? Any suggestions? For the record, my fiance has said that he has no preference in the matter.

AddieCake · January 2014

I have no idea, but your post title cracked me up. "Marrying a hyphen." I love it.

aurorajanette · January 2014

I'm with Addie. I have no idea.

I think you need to go with what you feel most comfortable with. I don't know if there is a rule book dictating what to do when you marry a hyphen (lol). Talk to you FI too. I'm sure the conversation will be helpful (maybe to both of you).

Sars06 · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

I have no idea, but your post title cracked me up. "Marrying a hyphen." I love it.

Ha, I know. I'm just glad I'm not also a hyphen - I wonder how the double-hyphen marriages handle it.

My fiance has a friend named something like Amanda Anderson-Adams, and I always wondered what would happen if they had married each other. Would their kid be Bobby Anderson-Adams-Dashing-Darling? How does the hyphenating ever end?!

delujm0 · January 2014

I have no idea...but I'd come to an agreement on your future childrens' last names with your FI now. That way (a) it's taken care of in advance and (b) you can just adopt whatever last name you jointly decide to give your children; that should make everything easier.

Where live right now (the south) it's not unusual to give a child a middle name that is actually a family last name...so perhaps you can simply honor his mother by making Dashing one of your future childrens' middle names, and you can jus be Jane Doe Darling, with your kids' last names being Darling as well.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Miss Manners would say you become Mrs. Jane Doe Darling and he remains Mr. John Dashing Darling. What you do about your kids is up to you, but I agree with sorting it out now.

photokitty · January 2014

Does he have 2 legal last names or is one his middle? What is his legal name? I would start there and have a discussion with him about the kids names and what he thinks. Hopefully he'll say it's your name, you should do whatever you want. That's what DH told me even though I'm sure he would like me to take his name.

I haven't taken my husbands name. I might when we have kids. I might hyphenate, but I would not hyphenate the kids for the reason you stated - where does it stop? I would consider using my name as their middle if I was set on having my maiden name in their name - but I'm not really that concerned. I hate the idea of losing my name and identity bc I got married, but I don't associate my identity being lost if my children don't have my last name somewhere in their name.

saacjw · January 2014

It doesn't seem like there's any one great way of doing this, just whatever works best for you, and maybe whatever you think sounds best?

I don't see a problem with having a professional name and a married social name. It might solve your problem a bit. Is that a possibility for you? Use Jan Doe professionally and change to Jane Dashing Darling for social engagements. I know someone who did that, it was very important to her to take her husband's name and have their kids share a name, but she had established herself in business under her maiden name and that was the name of the company she ran, so she uses both, depending on the situation.

Would it also be a possibility to change your maiden name to your middle name and still use it for professional works? So you would be Jane D. Dashing Darling?

lyndausvi · January 2014

I would just keep my maiden.

That is from someone who decided to hyphen and not happy with my choice. (although I'm too lazy to change back at this point).

KatWAG · January 2014

Can you professionally be Jane Doe and in your personal life be Jane Darling Dashing?

Sars06 · January 2014

Stuck in the box (how do I get out of this thing anyway???).

@HisGirlFriday13 Thank you, I was hoping Miss Manners had weighed in on this matter. I feel like following her advice is generally a good life strategy!

Everyone has a good point about figuring out what we want to name our kids. Once we decide on that, I'll just go with whatever we choose for our kids.

Sars06 · January 2014

photokitty said:

Does he have 2 legal last names or is one his middle? What is his legal name? I would start there and have a discussion with him about the kids names and what he thinks. Hopefully he'll say it's your name, you should do whatever you want. That's what DH told me even though I'm sure he would like me to take his name.

I haven't taken my husbands name. I might when we have kids. I might hyphenate, but I would not hyphenate the kids for the reason you stated - where does it stop? I would consider using my name as their middle if I was set on having my maiden name in their name - but I'm not really that concerned. I hate the idea of losing my name and identity bc I got married, but I don't associate my identity being lost if my children don't have my last name somewhere in their name.

He has two legal last names (and no middle name). I think he genuinely has no preference as to what I call myself (after all, his mom did keep her own name), but he may have a preference when it comes to naming our kids.

Sars06 · January 2014

saacjw said:

It doesn't seem like there's any one great way of doing this, just whatever works best for you, and maybe whatever you think sounds best?

I don't see a problem with having a professional name and a married social name. It might solve your problem a bit. Is that a possibility for you? Use Jan Doe professionally and change to Jane Dashing Darling for social engagements. I know someone who did that, it was very important to her to take her husband's name and have their kids share a name, but she had established herself in business under her maiden name and that was the name of the company she ran, so she uses both, depending on the situation.

Would it also be a possibility to change your maiden name to your middle name and still use it for professional works? So you would be Jane D. Dashing Darling?

I don't mind having different professional/social names in theory, but my line of work has a lot of overlap between the two - so I think it's probably easier for me to just pick one and go with it.

Sars06 · January 2014

Schatzi13 said:

You can do whatever you'd like with your name.

-If you go with Jane Doe Dashing Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Dashing Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you go with Jane Doe Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you want to be "Mr. and Mrs. John Dashing Darling" and retain the Doe professionally, you could move it to your middle name or just use it professionally (depending on the requirements of your profession, i.e., if the name you use must be your legal name)
-The last name(s) you give your children are up to you and FH

Perhaps it would help to look into the traditional naming patterns in cultures with a longstanding tradition of multiple multiple family names (e.g., parts of South America). You may be able to google that, or perhaps someone here knows.

Thank you! This is helpful. Part of the reason I'm asking about this today is that there is a sale on our invitations, but I need to figure out what I'm going to call myself before we order our thank you cards.

When I put it that way, I realize that getting 15% off thank you cards is probably not a good reason to rush the decision of what I'm going to call myself for the rest of my life...

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

Sars06 said:

Schatzi13 said:

You can do whatever you'd like with your name.

-If you go with Jane Doe Dashing Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Dashing Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you go with Jane Doe Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you want to be "Mr. and Mrs. John Dashing Darling" and retain the Doe professionally, you could move it to your middle name or just use it professionally (depending on the requirements of your profession, i.e., if the name you use must be your legal name)
-The last name(s) you give your children are up to you and FH

Perhaps it would help to look into the traditional naming patterns in cultures with a longstanding tradition of multiple multiple family names (e.g., parts of South America). You may be able to google that, or perhaps someone here knows.

Thank you! This is helpful. Part of the reason I'm asking about this today is that there is a sale on our invitations, but I need to figure out what I'm going to call myself before we order our thank you cards.

When I put it that way, I realize that getting 15% off thank you cards is probably not a good reason to rush the decision of what I'm going to call myself for the rest of my life...

I agree with that last part 100%. I am fortunate enough that I don't have a huge professional name for myself, so switching to FI's is way easier. (plus its way shorter)

For starters both fiance and i have apostrophes in our names, coupld with a hypen I think everyone computer program on the planet would crash in a fit of confussion if I tried typing in My'Lastnameislong-His'Name. The other option I played around with was making my last name my middle name; Name My'Lastnameislong His'Name, but in PA that is a legal name change (going through courts etc.) and I'm too lazy!

Sars06 · January 2014

cowgirl8238 said:

Sars06 said:

Schatzi13 said:

You can do whatever you'd like with your name.

-If you go with Jane Doe Dashing Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Dashing Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you go with Jane Doe Darling, you would be "Ms. Doe Darling and Mr. Dashing Darling"
-If you want to be "Mr. and Mrs. John Dashing Darling" and retain the Doe professionally, you could move it to your middle name or just use it professionally (depending on the requirements of your profession, i.e., if the name you use must be your legal name)
-The last name(s) you give your children are up to you and FH

Perhaps it would help to look into the traditional naming patterns in cultures with a longstanding tradition of multiple multiple family names (e.g., parts of South America). You may be able to google that, or perhaps someone here knows.

Thank you! This is helpful. Part of the reason I'm asking about this today is that there is a sale on our invitations, but I need to figure out what I'm going to call myself before we order our thank you cards.

When I put it that way, I realize that getting 15% off thank you cards is probably not a good reason to rush the decision of what I'm going to call myself for the rest of my life...

I agree with that last part 100%. I am fortunate enough that I don't have a huge professional name for myself, so switching to FI's is way easier. (plus its way shorter)
For starters both fiance and i have apostrophes in our names, coupld with a hypen I think everyone computer program on the planet would crash in a fit of confussion if I tried typing in My'Lastnameislong-His'Name. The other option I played around with was making my last name my middle name; Name My'Lastnameislong His'Name, but in PA that is a legal name change (going through courts etc.) and I'm too lazy!

I never thought of the apostrophes! That's even more difficult than a hyphen. So your hyphenated name would be something like Mary O'Brien-O'Connor? How do computer systems manage that now? Do you have to enter OBrien a lot?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

@cowgirl8238: I live in PA and I made my maiden name my middle name when I took DH's name at social security. No courts required.

Bubblegum5586 · January 2014

This is strictly my opinion and what I would do, but I know there are people who will disagree.

Hubby and I are not a traditional couple in the sense that he works and I run the household we are a modern couple where we both work and split the household. Although I have always financially taken on more responsibility for providing for us. I pride myself on being a hardworking women in the business world.

With that said, I never questioned taking my husbands last name. That is one traditional thing I really like! (my work signature has my names hyphenated for now as I make the transition). I want to have the same last name as my husband and kids and to be a "Mrs.". I know women keep their names for a variety of reason and hyphenate as well. But in your case where there are so many names....

I would go by FI's father's last name as that is what would traditionally be FI's last name. You could hyphenate doe-darling for now and drop the doe at some point as you mentioned previously, and then you, your husband and your kids last name (or in your FI's case- last last name) would be darling. I also really liked PP's comment of using mom's name for one of your child's middle names to carry it on (my sister has my grandmothers maiden name as the middle name!)

You have seen alot of opinions on here and now only you can decide what you are comfortable with!

Sars06 · January 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

This is strictly my opinion and what I would do, but I know there are people who will disagree.

Hubby and I are not a traditional couple in the sense that he works and I run the household we are a modern couple where we both work and split the household. Although I have always financially taken on more responsibility for providing for us. I pride myself on being a hardworking women in the business world.

With that said, I never questioned taking my husbands last name. That is one traditional thing I really like! (my work signature has my names hyphenated for now as I make the transition). I want to have the same last name as my husband and kids and to be a "Mrs.". I know women keep their names for a variety of reason and hyphenate as well. But in your case where there are so many names....

I would go by FI's father's last name as that is what would traditionally be FI's last name. You could hyphenate doe-darling for now and drop the doe at some point as you mentioned previously, and then you, your husband and your kids last name (or in your FI's case- last last name) would be darling. I also really liked PP's comment of using mom's name for one of your child's middle names to carry it on (my sister has my grandmothers maiden name as the middle name!)

You have seen alot of opinions on here and now only you can decide what you are comfortable with!

Thank you for your response. I think I am leaning towards doing what you described.

P.S. I love your dress! You look gorgeous.

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

Really?

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@cowgirl8238: I live in PA and I made my maiden name my middle name when I took DH's name at social security. No courts required.

Really? I thought you weren't allowed to do that. Although I will still just take his name anyway that's good to know!

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

Sars06 said:

Did anyone marry someone with two last names? Did you change your name? I'm trying to decide what I should do, and I could use some help.

For the sake of illustration, I'm Jane Doe. Fiance is John Dashing Darling. Dashing is his late mom's name and Darling is his dad's name - he doesn't actually hyphenate, but he does use both last names.

I want to change my name because I like the idea of both of us and our kids having the same last name. At the same time, I'm known professionally and have published as Jane Doe, so I also want to continue to go by my own last name. If I was marrying someone with one last name, the solution would be easy - I would become Jane Doe Darling, go by all three names, and eventually drop the Doe once people began to associate me with my new last name.

But since my fiance has two last names, I don't know what to do. It seems absurd to become Jane Doe Dashing Darling, and have THREE last names. Would it be rude for me to just take his dad's last name? I don't want to seem like I'm rejecting his mom.

And if I were to do that, how would we address ourselves as a couple? I would be Jane Doe Darling and he would remain John Dashing Darling. Would we be Mr. and Mrs. John Dashing Darling? Mr. and Mrs. John Darling? Ms. Jane Doe Darling and Mr. John Dashing Darling? If it's the latter, that seems more complicated than just keeping my own name!

What have you done or seen people do? Any suggestions? For the record, my fiance has said that he has no preference in the matter.

Oh my god. You are speaking to me about me. I am marrying a hyphen and his mother died in 8th grade so he is (made up) John Michael Smith-Jones and I am (made up) Jessica Rose johnson. I love my middle name, I would never dream of asking him to drop his mother's last name (his dad has tried to bully him into dropping it for years). I am going to try to become Jessica Rose Johnson Smith-Jones and go by Jessica Smith-Jones.

I am a working woman, but I always wanted to share the last name with my husband and although I would prefer to be Jessica Rose Johnson Jones, I love my FI and have huge respect for his mom (who face bipolar disorder and 8 years of breast cancer) and I will just deal with the hyphen

melbenso · January 2014

I also work in a profession where my last name is actually a part of what I do. While I am not changing my name, I do have some married coworkers who changed their names legally, but still go by their maiden names professionally. You could always do that if you wanted.

I also had a friend who had a hyphenated last name as her maiden name. (Jane MotherLN-FatherLN.) She her parents later divorced and she wasn't very close to her father. Her married name was Jane MotherLN-HusbandLN. In the end, pick the name combination that works best for you and your family.

jenna8984 · January 2014

This is kind of related/ kind of unrelated so sorry if it's not helpful in any way. But there's a woman who works for my company in another location that I have to email a lot and her name is Jennifer Jennifer. I have never met her so I don't know for a fact, but I assume she's married because what parent would name their kid that? And every time I email her I just think "wow, she loves her husband that much to take that name!" I don't think I could do that, I know it's just a name but still I would hate that.

Jen4948 · January 2014

@AddieL73, I find the "marrying a hyphen" very cute too.

OP: In your situation, I'd use whichever name or combination of names you feel most comfortable using.

princessleia22 · January 2014

It really depends on what you and FI want. I always figured I would keep my last name or hyphenate, especially since I have career established with my name. But, FI feels very strongly about me taking his name. And for professional licensing requirements I need to use my legal name at work, so I can't change legal to his name and use my maiden name professionally. We discussed legally leaving my maiden name or hyphenating, and using his name socially, but he wasn't a fan of that either. So, although I'm worried it may be a pain to change my professional name, I plan to because it's important to him.

Another option not mentioned here that I've seen is husband changing his name to take your last name. It's a more modern approach and not suited for everyone. But, if you have professional reputation with your name and he doesn't, it may be something to consider and could be the easiest option if he's willing.

I've also seen people create some combination of the names to create a new name altogether that includes all of their names. Like, Jane & John Doshling or something.

Really, the options are endless. But, you need to discuss with FI to determine what is most important to him. Maybe he's willing to lose one of his surnames or change entirely. Maybe he feels strongly about one option. Maybe he has ideas that you hadn't thought of.

Sars06 · January 2014

jenna8984 said:

This is kind of related/ kind of unrelated so sorry if it's not helpful in any way. But there's a woman who works for my company in another location that I have to email a lot and her name is Jennifer Jennifer. I have never met her so I don't know for a fact, but I assume she's married because what parent would name their kid that? And every time I email her I just think "wow, she loves her husband that much to take that name!" I don't think I could do that, I know it's just a name but still I would hate that.

I was JUST thinking about this! There aren't many female first names that are also common last names, but there are a few. What does McKenzie Jones do when she marries Brian McKenzie??

Jennifer Jennifer though? That's an unusual one! I want to find out what the story is.

mazilora · January 2014

I am in the exact same situation! FI is Dashing-Darling, though. We talked about all becoming the Darlings (important to me for kids to have same or at least similar last name--don't want them to have to deal with confusion we caused), but it looks like it's quite difficult for men to change their surnames at marriage. So I think we're leaning towards him staying Dashing-Darling and me being Doe Darling, with Doe as the middle name.
We talked about making up a name but struggled with finding something meaningful ("Stark" was as close as we got), and we talked about FI taking my name (it's very unique as it got messed up at immigration) but again that's a lot of trouble with legal stuff.
I'm working on a PhD and just got my first publication under my maiden name, so I feel your pain! I think Google citation manager has made the management of multiple publication names a bit easier. Let us know what you decide to do!

Sars06 · January 2014

mazilora said:

I am in the exact same situation! FI is Dashing-Darling, though. We talked about all becoming the Darlings (important to me for kids to have same or at least similar last name--don't want them to have to deal with confusion we caused), but it looks like it's quite difficult for men to change their surnames at marriage. So I think we're leaning towards him staying Dashing-Darling and me being Doe Darling, with Doe as the middle name.
We talked about making up a name but struggled with finding something meaningful ("Stark" was as close as we got), and we talked about FI taking my name (it's very unique as it got messed up at immigration) but again that's a lot of trouble with legal stuff.
I'm working on a PhD and just got my first publication under my maiden name, so I feel your pain! I think Google citation manager has made the management of multiple publication names a bit Let us know what you decide to do!

It sounds like we will probably end up doing the same thing. I guess this is the price we pay for establishing our careers first instead of getting married at age 20 like in the olden days. Congrats on your first publication!

LizM61409 · January 2014

All the more reason people should think twice before giving their kids a hyphenated last name- what happens when the kids grow up and get married and have their own kids??

Jen4948 · January 2014

I remember once, as a tax accountant, preparing the tax return of someone whose kid had a really long hyphenated name that didn't fit in the field the tax software we used had for the names of dependents. In any case, it didn't print right. So we tried abbreviating it, only for our client to have her dependency exemption questioned by the IRS because of a mismatched social security number. We had to write back that yes, the person listed is indeed the same as the person with that social security number and was qualified to be our client's dependent, and would the IRS please restore her dependency exemption and abate the penalties and interest they were trying to charge?

Luckily the IRS did restore the exemption and abated the penalties and interest. But I have noticed a lot of really long hyphenated last names for kids whose mothers want to keep their own last names, and yeah, I think it can get confusing sometimes-especially when those kids want to hyphenate their names with their spouse's. Sure, it's up to the parents what they name their kids, but giving your kid a hyphenated name is not necessarily doing them a favor in the long run.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

This might be unpopular, but why do you have to change your name just because you don't have a penis? Men pretty much never have to be concerned with these problems. Sorry, but this situation is the reason why it's ridiculous that women are almost always the one changing their names. If the wife has a hyphenated maiden name, she would most likely either keep her name, or take her husbands.

nicoann above, she said her FI really felt strongly about her taking his name. You know what, I feel really strongly about keeping my own name, and if it's your name, you are going to have to deal with it, not so much your FI/husband.

Look I realize some states make it very difficult to for men to change their names vs women when they get married. I live in a state where either sex can change their name at marriage. States that don't are sexist.

If I were you OP, I would keep my maiden name legally and professionally. You can decide what name you want to give your children (fight for your name!). But whatever you decide, it should be your decision.

NER: Marrying a hyphen - what to do about my name?

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