2nd marriages for both - etiquette for showers and gifts?

fourtsixand2 · January 2014

Since I know this will come up at some point in time... my fiance and I have both been married before. We planned on getting married privately (just the two of us - possibly parents, but no guests) and holding a reception/party afterwards.

Is it bad etiquette, or acceptable, to register for gifts and someone to hold a shower for me/us since it is not our first marriage AND since we are holding a reception but not a proper wedding?

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Shower guest lists should be limited to those invited to the actual wedding. It's fine to invite parents only to the ceremony and invite others to a party later, but that means there's no one to invite to a shower.

I'm on the fence about showers for second weddings. I don't think etiquette has a firm rule anymore. Personally, I wouldn't be able to do all that again, but it sort of depends on the situation.

antibride2013 · January 2014

Ditto MyNameIsNot-However I am not on the fence about showers for second weddings, I think they are rude and tacky and I would side eye the shit out of the couple.

Have your intimate ceremony, it will be lovely, and just forget all the other stuff.

Inkdancer · January 2014

People are much less likely to buy gifts for a second marriage. Theoretically you are both adults who have already established your households, so you don't need much.

I think it's fine if you register for a few small, needed items. New towels to match your decor, new plates and bowls if you need them.

mbross3 · January 2014

I agree that people are much less likely to buy gifts for a second wedding. That being said, I think it's fine to have a shower for a second wedding (assuming someone has offered to throw you one- please don't throw your own). However, it sounds like you are not inviting guests to the ceremony? If this is the case, and I think PP have said this but just to reiterate, you cannot invite anyone to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding (so if they're just invited to a reception, you cannot invite them to the shower). If it is just you, your FI and your parents at the ceremony, that would be a small shower!

grumbledore · January 2014

I have no issue with couples registering regardless of what number marriage it is, but you cannot invite people to a shower unless they are invited to the wedding. So in this case it would not be appropriate.

LondonLisa · January 2014

I agree with PP, no shower if you aren't inviting people to your wedding. I would create a small, lower end registry but not expect people to get you gifts.

On another note, I'm sure you didn't mean to come across this way, but you are having a "proper wedding". Many women on here eloped/ had family only ceremonies and they are just as wed as you will be. Catering and gowns do not make a "real wedding".

vt&dt · January 2014

You could make a small registry - if someone wanted to get you a gift, then they'd have a resource to help pick something out. You absolutely should not have a shower if you're not inviting guests to both the wedding ceremony and reception - and what you have planned sounds just fine. A proper wedding is a ceremony in which two people become married - that can be legal, religious, or both, and does not require guests (except perhaps a witness besides the officiant/JOP to sign the certificate.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Elopements, JOP weddings, and family-only weddings are "proper weddings." The absence of a white gown, bridal party, gifts, cake, first dances, religious ceremony, etc. does not make a wedding not a "proper wedding."

The rules about showers are the same for second and subsequent weddings as they are for first weddings: No one should be invited to a shower who is not invited to the wedding, and you should not host your own shower.

As for registries: I wouldn't ask for cash, and I myself wouldn't side-eye a registry for a subsequent wedding, but some people will because you're presumed to already have everything you would need.

mlg78 · January 2014

I side eye people having showers for second weddings. It's too gift grabby, in my opinion. I do think it's okay to register for gifts. When my mom registered with my stepdad she just did stemware and flatware as she lost those items in a fire when she moved to be with my stepdad. A small registry is fine, a shower is not.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

fourtsixand2 said:

Since I know this will come up at some point in time... my fiance and I have both been married before. We planned on getting married privately (just the two of us - possibly parents, but no guests) and holding a reception/party afterwards.
Is it bad etiquette, or acceptable, to register for gifts and someone to hold a shower for me/us since it is not our first marriage AND since we are holding a reception but not a proper wedding?

I think a shower for a 2nd wedding is fine, but only if the B or G is on their first wedding and the guest list to the shower is for that sides family only. But since you are both on your 2nd marriages, I would side eye a shower. As others have said, go ahead and make a small registry just in case someone wants to get you a gift.

MGP · January 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

fourtsixand2 said:

Since I know this will come up at some point in time... my fiance and I have both been married before. We planned on getting married privately (just the two of us - possibly parents, but no guests) and holding a reception/party afterwards.
Is it bad etiquette, or acceptable, to register for gifts and someone to hold a shower for me/us since it is not our first marriage AND since we are holding a reception but not a proper wedding?

I think a shower for a 2nd wedding is fine, but only if the B or G is on their first wedding and the guest list to the shower is for that sides family only. But since you are both on your 2nd marriages, I would side eye a shower. As others have said, go ahead and make a small registry just in case someone wants to get you a gift.

Very well said!

This is how I see it - as someone who is now in my mid 30's I have a handful of friends who have got divorced and now establishing new relationships. I am thrilled for them, especially because they seem to have picked better partners this time around.

However, as a close friend to these people I will be honest and say that going through all of the same wedding activities again like the first time never happened is kind of ridiculous. That ship has sailed, you know? The Bridezilla I posted about last week sent her laundry list of demands and I was like "Really? Again??" I would NEVER "penalize" someone and say that I wouldn't come to their second wedding because I attended their first and will gladly attend and support your new union. But seriously the showers, bachelorette party, etc. is out of control.

As far as shower gifts go, I feel it's appropriate for me to help "establish" your home. Once. The towels I gave you first time around are now worn out? Not my prob. You want new lingerie for Husband #2? Go buy it yourself. I would certainly give a wedding gift to honor and celebrate the new marriage, but that's about all I can take.

Bottom line is I just feel like second showers are gift grabby. And second marriages are NEVER an excuse to just ask for money or a honeymoon registry.

ETA - if I were to get married a second time (not planning on it going 7 years strong with my husband!) I would not make a new registry and in no way, shape, or form accept a shower or bachelorette offer. EVER.

climbingsingle · January 2014

This is just my personal opinion. I'm planning my second wedding. I was married 10 years ago. I registered and received many gifts. There's no way I'd ever dream of registering again. It's greedy. I'm 33 years old and have been on my own for a very long time. I have what I need. And honestly, I'd side-eye a shower and gift registry for a second-time bride too.

Pepper6 · January 2014

Registering is fine because there are still people who prefer to buy physical gifts instead of cash (I still give a gift for a wedding, regardless of what number it is). Also, completion discounts are totally worth it even if no one buys you anything from it.

However, a shower is not appropriate for two reasons. One, it's both of your second weddings. As I said, people will likely give gifts for your wedding regardless, but a shower is meant to help establish your home, which with both of you having been married before, I would assume has already been done, and therefore a specific gift-giving party just seems really tacky and gift grabby.

Two, since you aren't inviting guests to witness your actually marriage ceremony, then it would be inappropriate to have a shower, even if it were both your first marriages.

grumbledore · January 2014

I never registered or had any pre-wedding parties for my first marriage which will be ten years ago when I get remarried. If anyone offers a party, I will likely accept. My FI has never been married and only three guests from my first wedding will be invited to this one.

Jells2dot0 · January 2014

I had a private wedding (I actually eloped) but people knew we were engaged. When people asked about the wedding, I was honest and told them it would be private and that we'd plan it for a time when it felt right to us. Regardless of making it be known it was private, people still asked about my registry. I was shocked! I never intended on ever having one as there was no reason for it. So, I created one and just left it sitting out there for those who wanted to find it. After the actual wedding, I just used the completion discount. I feel like there are always people who want to be generous and as long as you keep the registry to yourself (unless asked), I say no harm, no foul.

Oh, and I most certainly had a real wedding

Jells2dot0 · January 2014

Btw- there is a whole board for second or third time brides. This question is asked a lot. I recommend going over there to see what others have done.

photokitty · January 2014

I am surprised by some of the responses, mainly bc showers for a second child have been said on this board to be OK and every life is to be celebrated. Doesn't every marriage deserve to be celebrated?

That said, I did not have showers or register for my second wedding. I personally thought it was gift grabby, but I also think that of second and third baby showers.

We received gifts from more than 90% of the guests who attended. So I don't think people are less likely to give a gift for a second wedding…it could be put personal circumstances surrounding our divorces, but I really doubt it.

In OP's situation, a shower would not be polite as there will be no guests at the wedding.

There is nothing wrong with having a shower if someone offers for a second wedding when guests will be invited to the wedding. As it has been said before, it's an invitation, not a subpoena. If you don't want to celebrate the bride, don't go.

AddieCake · January 2014

I don't side eye a shower for a second wedding at all. Now, if you married someone, got divorced and were remarrying someone else and having a shower all in like a year, yeah, I might find that odd, but for reasons beyond the shower.

grumbledore · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

I don't side eye a shower for a second wedding at all. Now, if you married someone, got divorced and were remarrying someone else and having a shower all in like a year, yeah, I might find that odd, but for reasons beyond the shower.

Agreed.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

I don't side eye a shower for a second wedding at all. Now, if you married someone, got divorced and were remarrying someone else and having a shower all in like a year, yeah, I might find that odd, but for reasons beyond the shower.

I feel the same way. I'd side eye it if you were registering for ridiculous things like sterling silver serving platters from Tiffany's, but I get wanting to have a few nice, new things to celebrate the start of your new marriage. I know there would be things from a first marriage I just wouldn't want to bring to a second marriage (yep, towels and linens - if my ex used 'em, I don't think I'd want my new hubby to because I'd feel weird if it were the other way around).

AddieCake · January 2014

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

Inkdancer · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I hate that this happens, but it definitely did to my mom. I was in college and didn't have time to arrange a shower, so nobody threw her one. She got exactly one wedding present, from her best friend.

MGP · January 2014

photokitty said:

I am surprised by some of the responses, mainly bc showers for a second child have been said on this board to be OK and every life is to be celebrated. Doesn't every marriage deserve to be celebrated?

Yes, every marriage deserves to be celebrated. Yes, every baby deserves to be celebrated. Neither of those require a shower in order to do so.

I majorly side eye people I know for having a second baby shower 18 months after their first one because "well now I am having a boy and I just CAN'T use those pink blankets and I have no money to get blue ones so I am hitting everyone I know up yet again to help me out again because every baby needs to be celebrated". I am additionally majorly side eyeing my second time bride Bridezilla friend who is self hosting her own engagement shower, has given a list of demands for her bridal shower and bachelorette party to the people that she is assuming will host it, is having almost 20 people in her wedding party, and I am just waiting for the day with a link to the honeymoon registry.

Like I said in my previous comment I would never "penalize" someone for a second marriage (or baby) but I guess it all comes down to the delivery of it all. Those example I just used? Greedy, gift grabby, and attention whore. A small, carefully selected registry with a small, carefully selected guest list (preferably with no repeat guests)? Not my style, but it's not the end of the world.

AddieCake · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I hate that this happens, but it definitely did to my mom. I was in college and didn't have time to arrange a shower, so nobody threw her one. She got exactly one wedding present, from her best friend.

That makes my heart sad.

Inkdancer · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Inkdancer said:

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I hate that this happens, but it definitely did to my mom. I was in college and didn't have time to arrange a shower, so nobody threw her one. She got exactly one wedding present, from her best friend.

That makes my heart sad.

Mine too. There was a lot of unnecessary drama from her family, so only her stepfather and a couple of my stepdad's siblings ended up showing. I was there, and so were her 2 best friends, but basically no family at all.

WildMagelet · January 2014

I don't mind showers for second weddings if someone offers to throw one, but IMO, there should be no duplicate shower guests outside of BP and immediate family.

A shower (second wedding or not) is inappropriate in this instance because there will be no guests at the ceremony, and etiquette dictates that all guests to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding, which in this case is private.

OP, feel free to register but if anyone offers to host you a shower then politely decline.

climbingsingle · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I would never, ever not want to give my friends a gift to celebrate their marriage just because they got married later in life. I hope my post didn't come off that way!

I feel that because I've been married previously and already received many gifts I registered for, it would be greedy and gift grabby to have a shower and register again. I'd honestly be embarrassed if someone threw me a shower.

indianaalum · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I agree. I was older when i got married and it actually made me sad when people made comments about just having a smaller wedding, or a non-traditional dress, etc. just because I was older. I didn't choose to find love later in life, so I stood strong that I deserved to get the same treatment then a bride who gets married at 25......

arrippa · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I am in the same boat as Addie. I am nearly 40 (!!!!!!!!!!!) and I am getting married for the first time.
I would have been sad if people side eyed me for having a shower, even though my household has been set up for years.

MGP · January 2014

moemacWed30594 said:

AddieL73 said:

Additionally, I was nearly 40 when I got married and had been living on my own for 20 years. I would hate to think someone decided I was an adult and "had everything I need" and therefore didn't deserve a shower just b/c I didn't find true love until late in life.

I am in the same boat as Addie. I am nearly 40 (!!!!!!!!!!!) and I am getting married for the first time.
I would have been sad if people side eyed me for having a shower, even though my household has been set up for years.

Oh ladies! I am sure none of us who have commented here meant to make you think that being an "older" first time bride makes you less deserving of the royal bridal treatment. It doesn't. Unfortunately it comes from the fact that there are assumptions made by stupid people that you are more established and that's not always the case. Even if it is, I would NEVER give less of a gift to a first time bride because I thought she was more financially stable or had a well stocked home. That's just wrong. And PS - your maturity and life experience will serve you well and I guarantee you will have a better marriage than the 24 year old that gave her boyfriend an ultimatum over the holidays because she was "tired of wasting her time".

The comments I made would apply to a second time bride of ANY age. I gave a huge eye roll towards the TV when 19 year old Leah from Teen Mom married her second baby daddy and the same people in the church just looked on like the same thing hadn't happened the year before with a different guy. Personally I just think that a second time bride needs to understand that people that care about her will be excited for the MARRIAGE, not necessarily the WEDDING.

2nd marriages for both - etiquette for showers and gifts?

Re: 2nd marriages for both - etiquette for showers and gifts?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards