I was just wondering...

aleighc3 · January 2014

How many women feel like "whatever my husband says, goes"? It seems like like women have fought so hard to not just let someone dictate every aspect of their life. My fiance and I talk about what we want, and we go from there. I'm sorry but for women to say " my husband does not "allow" me to go or do something is really crazy to me. Also I would like to add that I am not "trolling". All it is, is I see women (not only here) but other places where I see the man has "to keep his place". My question is, what is a "man's place"?

erinlin25 · January 2014

no way would my husband ever tell me what I can and cannot do. to each there own in the relationship for some would be ok with it I guess, but not me-- nor would my husband appreciate me dictating what he can/not do. So its equality and respect for one another I guess. I may cook/clean more than husband but he can and will help if I ask. But he does more of the "mr. fix it" type things so we each contribute equally. We own a business together too so it is always "our" money not mine over his, etc and so anything monetary is a joint decision, but we also get our own money to do whatever we want with. I would never be OK saying my husband does not "allow" me to do anything.

Before I was with my husband I worked all the time and traveled a lot for work. Once we started dating and got into a more serious relationship I started not traveling as much; and especially once I moved to run the business with him/ got engaged/married I have no desire to travel so am much more picky on the jobs I take (I still do contract work here and there). A friend once said "oh does your fiance not allow you to work as much!?" Um, no thank you but I just choose to not travel/work as much.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I think it depends. My husband and I have an agreement in our marriage that whoever cares *more* about an issue gets to make those decisions. That means, on some things, what he says goes and on other things, what I say goes. It's subjective, of course, about who cares more, but we can usually tell, "OK, HisGirl cares more" or "DH cares more" on an issue based on how passionately we discuss it.

I'll give you a kind of random example. Growing up, my parents did church donations monthly, not weekly. Our church didn't use the little envelopes, so it was easier for them to just write a check once a month when they were paying the other bills and have done with it.

When I was single, that's what I did, too. I did monthly checks that were the equivalent of four or five weeks' worth of offering money, and just had done with it.

DH doesn't like that. He HATES it. He feels like we look like we're not giving any money if we don't put something in the collection basket EVERY WEEK. He really, REALLY cared about this -- like a lot. So, we do weekly collection now. It mattered much more to him that we do it weekly than it did to me about doing it monthly, so what he said goes on this topic.

We don't make all the decisions this way, but this works for us.

CMGragain · January 2014

OK, I used this line once while traveling in Turkey.
We were being pressured buy rug sellers while we were on a ship's excursion. My husband looked very nervous, and I thought he was going to bolt.
I sighed, and told the rug salesman, "Oh, it is a beautiful rug. It is the nicest one I have ever seen. But, alas, my husband will not allow me to purchase it. I must be an obedient wife and obey my husband."
I knew that in their culture, this was final. Husband took the hint, and crossed his arms and scowled at me. No more rug salesmen.
The truth is that we long ago worked out our areas of control. We always consult each other on any major purchase, but when it's jewelry, decor or clothing, I decide. If it's electronics or auto related, he decides.

thisismynickname2 · January 2014

Hell to the no.

So far we've had an easy relationship because we tend to agree on things. We talk about options. As other posters say, it can come down to who cares more. I'm all about "partnership."

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Our relationship doesn't operate that way and I don't know anyone whose relationship does. My close friends range from atheist to Catholic to conservative Muslim, libertarian, Democratic, Republican, etc., and they all view their SO/H as equal partners, not their boss.

But I think part of being in a relationship is that you make choices in a way that is respectful of your partner. I would not smoke marijuana or use drugs because (among other reasons) I know Fi is opposed to it. It's not because I'm not "allowed," it's because I choose to respect his priorities and desires.

Sometimes we joke about it, though: "JC won't let me smoke/ Fi won't let me get a tattoo." Not that anybody must give permission, it's just that we know those things are important to the other one.

aleighc3 · January 2014

Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

FiancB · January 2014

I admit I have a tendency to not really want to make decisions, or to be more apt to look for guidance than others might be. I think we are pretty equal but if I had to say one person makes more decisions or has more final say, it would be him. I think that has more to do with me being really laid back than anything, though. We still talk through major decisions and I know if I made one that he didn't agree with, he'd say his peace about it but wouldn't do anything to stop me.

Like a couple other posters said, it kind of depends on what matters more to who. I would kind of like to get a tattoo on my arm. He would really, really rather I didn't get a tattoo on my arm. Even though it's my arm, he cares more, so no tattoo on my arm. If I really wanted it that bad I would have it, and he'd be okay with it. But I know he's ok with it being anywhere else so I will just get it somewhere else.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

I would have a serious talk with him about why his values have completely changed. This is not a request that my Fi would ever make. And no, there's no way I would blindly comply.

OP, are these questions coming from personal experience?

Viczaesar · January 2014

CMGragain said:

OK, I used this line once while traveling in Turkey.
We were being pressured buy rug sellers while we were on a ship's excursion. My husband looked very nervous, and I thought he was going to bolt.
I sighed, and told the rug salesman, "Oh, it is a beautiful rug. It is the nicest one I have ever seen. But, alas, my husband will not allow me to purchase it. I must be an obedient wife and obey my husband."
I knew that in their culture, this was final. Husband took the hint, and crossed his arms and scowled at me. No more rug salesmen.
The truth is that we long ago worked out our areas of control. We always consult each other on any major purchase, but when it's jewelry, decor or clothing, I decide. If it's electronics or auto related, he decides.

Wow.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

OK, these questions have now veered from reasonable to making me question if you're using us as a crowd-source for information for something.

FiancB · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

Textbook controlling behavior that escalates more often than not so no.

aleighc3 · January 2014

I'm just very curious to the way other relationships are. My fiance and I make all decisions together. If we don't feel 100% on something together we nix it. This is just coming from being curious...

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

My FI is very passionate about women's rights. He would never pressure me into something I didn't want and he is always very careful to make sure I am comfortable and have a say in whatever is going on- which is something I'm very thankful for when we're in public or with a group of people. I've never felt uncomfortable expressing myself to FI (Even when I first met him, 4 years before we started dating, and my social anxiety was WAY WORSE than it is now- around that time my parents sent me to a therapist to talk about my social anxiety, and I was too anxious to talk to the therapist) but given that the anxiety hasn't completely gone away, it is still extremely difficult sometimes for me to speak up in many social situations. FI always makes a point to ask me directly how I feel without drawing attention to it, so even if I'm clamming up because of the other people around, I can still be heard.

That said, I kinda just go with the flow, and FI and I think very similarly. So usually whatever Fi says goes simply because I either agree or don't have an opinion either way. It's very rare that we disagree on things, and on the few occasions that we do we just talk it out, and either compromise or go with whoever gave the most reasonable argument.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

I never have, nor will I ever "comply" to what my FI "tells" me to do. I have had friends who in the past complied to what their boyfriends told them, and I have no idea where that stemmed from- youth, immaturity, insecurity? FI and I equal partners, and we respect each other and our values. Out of curiosity, OP, why do you ask?

lovesclimbing · January 2014

H never tells me to do anything. We do, however, discuss things. And if he, for some reason, told me to do something, I would probably listen and strongly consider it out of respect for him and also because he would have a very good reason for doing so. But H doesn't really "tell" me to do stuff. Telling has a connotation of not having a choice in the matter, and I do. It's more like he asks me to do stuff and I will often comply, because his requests are always reasonable. The other day he asked if I would mind making dinner for him because he didn't have time before work. Or he put a load of laundry in the wash, left for work and asked me to change it out for him. And if I didn't want to for some reason, we would discuss it.

For example, a friend of mine's husband "told" her to wear her helmet while biking. I hate the word "told' because it sounds very controlling and that's not the way this guy is. At first, she was a little put off by it, but she decided that she should wear her helmet all the time because it was important to him and she knew he was saying that because he was just concerned for her safety.

afox007 · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
I think it depends. My husband and I have an agreement in our marriage that whoever cares *more* about an issue gets to make those decisions. That means, on some things, what he says goes and on other things, what I say goes. It's subjective, of course, about who cares more, but we can usually tell, "OK, HisGirl cares more" or "DH cares more" on an issue based on how passionately we discuss it.

I'll give you a kind of random example. Growing up, my parents did church donations monthly, not weekly. Our church didn't use the little envelopes, so it was easier for them to just write a check once a month when they were paying the other bills and have done with it.

When I was single, that's what I did, too. I did monthly checks that were the equivalent of four or five weeks' worth of offering money, and just had done with it.

DH doesn't like that. He HATES it. He feels like we look like we're not giving any money if we don't put something in the collection basket EVERY WEEK. He really, REALLY cared about this -- like a lot. So, we do weekly collection now. It mattered much more to him that we do it weekly than it did to me about doing it monthly, so what he said goes on this topic.

We don't make all the decisions this way, but this works for us.

This tends to be how FI and I deal with things too. Occasionally there's something we both feel equally as strongly about for different reasons (usually pertaining to his ex) and then the more rational argument wins.

afox007 · January 2014

aleighc3 said:
Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

I think I would look at FI like he grew a second head, but in this example part of it would mean FI has never paid attention to me ever. I've maybe worn jeans in front of him 5 times I pretty much live in dresses because I'm weird and pants make me uncomfortable and anxious lol.

climbingsingle · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

Uh. No. That would not fly. And in a million years, my FI would never request that of me. That is controlling behavior and it not normal.

My FI and I are equal partners. We're don't dictate anything to each other. We're respectful and make decisions together.

I don't really understand what the basis is for all of these questions.

PolarBearFitz · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

I'm just very curious to the way other relationships are. My fiance and I make all decisions together. If we don't feel 100% on something together we nix it. This is just coming from being curious...

I would have his brain examined? That would be a drastic behavior change that would signal a brain malfunction or illness. Sorry to be somewhat insulting but these seem to be ridiculous questions.

aleighc3 · January 2014

Can't someone just be curious, especially seeing all the different relationships on these boards? I'm interested in how different relationships work and I picked the furthest example from my relationship with my FI. I don't see how that is ridiculous. Also if you think it was so ridiculous, then why did you bother answering it?

PolarBearFitz · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

Can't someone just be curious, especially seeing all the different relationships on these boards? I'm interested in how different relationships work and I picked the furthest example from my relationship with my FI. I don't see how that is ridiculous. Also if you think it was so ridiculous, then why did you bother answering it?

I mean I suppose or you could just read some books about these things? I answered for the sake of demonstrating the ridiculousness of the question.

You were asking if one day someone's significant other woke up and changed their entire behavior...that would be a neurological issue. People don't drastically change their entire personality over night.

What if there were all of a sudden unicorns in your front yard and your house was made of rainbows that sat on a cloud?

climbingsingle · January 2014

PolarBearFitz said:

show previous quotes

aleighc3 said:

Can't someone just be curious, especially seeing all the different relationships on these boards? I'm interested in how different relationships work and I picked the furthest example from my relationship with my FI. I don't see how that is ridiculous. Also if you think it was so ridiculous, then why did you bother answering it?

I mean I suppose or you could just read some books about these things? I answered for the sake of demonstrating the ridiculousness of the question.

You were asking if one day someone's significant other woke up and changed their entire behavior...that would be a neurological issue. People don't drastically change their entire personality over night.

What if there were all of a sudden unicorns in your front yard and your house was made of rainbows that sat on a cloud?

Seriously.

aleighc3 · January 2014

It happens all the time. You have never heard of a man treating a woman like gold then they get married and he starts controlling her and in some cases becoming abusive? Seriously.

emmyg65 · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

It happens all the time. You have never heard of a man treating a woman like gold then they get married and he starts controlling her and in some cases becoming abusive? Seriously.

I actually think it'd be pretty rare for this to happen out of the blue. Most controlling people behave according to several patterns, so there would be signs long before you married one. "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker is an excellent book if you want to learn more about controlling people.

arrippa · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

It happens all the time. You have never heard of a man treating a woman like gold then they get married and he starts controlling her and in some cases becoming abusive? Seriously.

The majority of those relationships, the signs of abuse are there. Some people just don't recognize them. I think it would be very rare to wake up one day and suddenly be that controlling.

PolarBearFitz · January 2014

aleighc3 said:

It happens all the time. You have never heard of a man treating a woman like gold then they get married and he starts controlling her and in some cases becoming abusive? Seriously.

It does not happen all of the time unless you are referring to Lifetime Channel movies.

These instances are few and far between and are usually the result of an already abusive relationship or a mental/physical illness. Usually there are signs of abuse that people ignore before getting married thinking marriage will change the person.

Signs of control and abuse do not usually flip on from level zero right after marriage unless you did not spend more than a week with the person you are marrying. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about abuse and ignore the signs.

And no, I have never actually heard of anyone treating someone like gold then changing to control their significant other. I have not known anyone this has happened to in my little section of people I know.

AddieCake · January 2014

We are equal partners in our marriage. Sometimes he gets his way and sometimes I get mine when we have a difference of opinions on things. If my husband told me I had to dress a certain way and that I could no longer speak to other men, I would show him the door.

I do know someone whose boyfriend is controlling like that, though. He pitches a fit if she wears certain outfits.

JennyColada · January 2014

aleighc3 said:
Ok, my next question is this....what id one day you woke up and your husband told that he didn't want you to wear anything but sweaters and jeans and you are not to talk to any other male but him...would you comply?

It's not about complying or not. I'd be more worried about the obvious mental issues that my Fi has developed over night to ask such a thing of me!

OnionBreath · January 2014

My fiance and I make decisions about our lives together as a couple. We make decisions for our personal lives as individuals, sometimes with consultation. If I want to go out, I go out.

If I want to go to a concert and we are short on funds, I might consult him.

If I want to replace our sofa set, we talk about it and go shopping together.

lyndausvi · January 2014

OnionBreath said:

My fiance and I make decisions about our lives together as a couple. We make decisions for our personal lives as individuals, sometimes with consultation. If I want to go out, I go out.

If I want to go to a concert and we are short on funds, I might consult him.

If I want to replace our sofa set, we talk about it and go shopping together.

This is us. On the night of Dec 29th I called out to DH who was in the bedroom and said "my sister wants me to go to the Orange Bowl with her and 2 of the kids". He was like "okay". I bought the tickets and flew out 4 days later.

Household stuff like furniture, sheets/blankets are done together. Mostly because we both have our quirks (i.e. he is really picky about the softness of his blankets). That is done of out respect for our likes/dislikes.

If he wants to go out with friends drinking? Bye, have fun. He doesn't need permission from me. He still calls me up and tells me. Mostly to make sure we didn't have any other plans he might have forgotten about, but it's not at all asking for permission.

I think I would laugh at him if he told me I HAD to wear dresses everyday from now on (I already wear jeans pretty much every day). I would be all "is this a joke?" Seriously, he would have to have some brain damage to start controlling me like that.

I was just wondering...

Re: I was just wondering...

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