The great guest list war of 2014

mrsbanany · February 2014

I want a smaller wedding because honestly, 200 people staring at me for the ceremony, first dance ect. makes me want to vom, especially when I don't know a lot of them. 100 makes me want to vom, but I think that's where I am compromising. FI knows this and was willing to cut down cousins. However, I think he is turning it into a tit for tat thing because I mean, its one person versus 80. If he wanted all of his cousins, all he has to do is say that and it would be a non-issue. But he agreed when I suggested it so I figure it must not matter all that much for him.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I think you two have communication issues. If he's turning this into a tit-for-tat, that's a problem.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think you two have communication issues. If he's turning this into a tit-for-tat, that's a problem.

I think they have communication issues if OP wanted a small wedding and they are currently inviting 196 with the possibility of adding another 81 people to that total.

tcnoble · February 2014

I didn't read through the other posts, but my FI and I had this exact same issue.

Our guest list was intended to be 125, but due to FI's large family we ended up at 196 (venue capacity is 200) and I never wanted a wedding that big. His family list alone was over 60 people, my family list was less than 20. So we had to do the "must invite, would like to invite, obligation" lists. He was able to weed out about 30 people from his list. It shouldn't come down to "well I can't invite my cousins so you can't invite yours" regardless if you have one cousin and he has 60. It's the people themselves. Are ALL of his cousins very important or are they obligatory invites? I told my FI I didn't want him to eliminate anyone that he would TRULY miss seeing on our wedding day, because I didn't want this to turn around and bite me in the ass. He was comfortable with who he eliminated. Maybe propose a similar "list" type scenario to help get the guest list down a little.

mrsbanany · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:
They are already inviting 196 people. . . the horse is long out of the barn on that issue. They are in no way having a small wedding, lol!

I agree we need clarification, but I don't agree that all or none should be invited. OP may claim budget isn't an issue, but her parent's are paying for the wedding. I would not expect my parents to pay for 80 additional people just so I could invite a single person I wanted. That seems unreasonable to me, especially if FI really doesn't care if his cousins are invited.

If the truth of the matter is that her FI really wants these people to be invited, then they need to check with her parents and be sure they are willing to add another 80ppl to the guest list and budget.

My parents do not mind paying for the 80 people if my FI wants to invite them. We have given both lists to my parents (a list that has been approved and edited by both of our parents). One list contains cousins, the other does not. My parents are ok with the larger number.

lyndausvi · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think you two have communication issues. If he's turning this into a tit-for-tat, that's a problem.

I think they have communication issues if OP wanted a small wedding and they are currently inviting 196 with the possibility of adding another 81 people to that total.

I think the 196 includes cousins. Getting rid of them make it 116.

crackktheskyy · February 2014

@PrettyGirlLost : I think the 196 includes all of the cousins and she is now trying to cut the list down closer to 100.

mrsbanany · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think you two have communication issues. If he's turning this into a tit-for-tat, that's a problem.

I think they have communication issues if OP wanted a small wedding and they are currently inviting 196 with the possibility of adding another 81 people to that total.

Like PP said, 196 includes cousins. As far as communication, I think the communication has been clear that I would ideally have a small wedding but that is just not possible because as you can see we are still over 100 without cousins.

antoto · February 2014

I would be surprised if he really didn't feel slighted since he is doing a tit-for-tat thing. If he wasn't upset by it then he would't object to your cousin. He obviously feels (right or not) that he is being cheated. Talk to him about this. Ask him how he feels.

antoto · February 2014

He may not be close to ALL 80 cousins, but he is probably close to some and probably does want them there.

lyndausvi · February 2014

If budget and space are not an issue I would just invite the cousins and call it a day. Once you are over 100, 196 isn't all that different.

That doesn't mean I agree with his tit-for-tat thing. Nor do I think you need to get rid of your only cousin.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

If budget and space are not an issue I would just invite the cousins and call it a day. Once you are over 100, 196 isn't all that different.

That doesn't mean I agree with his tit-for-tat thing. Nor do I think you need to get rid of your only cousin.

Yep, totally agree.

mbross3 · February 2014

antoto said:

mbross3 said:

You don't have to do all or none. There is no real "circles" etiquette requirement. Meaning you don't have to invite all of his cousins if you invite your one cousin. Even if you do intend to do "circles" it could be divided by side. Meaning if you invite some of his cousins, then you invite all of his cousins, but it wouldn't change the invites on your side.

Honestly I think the idea of circles is silly, especially in a situation like yours! Invite your cousin, and if he's close to some of his cousins invite the ones he's close to!

Especially since your parents are paying for the entire wedding, if it's important to them to invite your cousin, definitely do that.

But equally, if he decides he wants to invite his cousins then he has every right to do so.

I absolutely agree- which is why I said he should invite the cousins he is close to, but that there is no reason all 80 need to be included (unless he's close to all 80 and want them there...)

Jen4948 · February 2014

If everyone will fit into your venue that both you and your FI want to invite, and your parents are okay with paying for them all, I'd go ahead and invite them all!

Your FI does need to lose the tit-for-tat idea. It's not going to work for you.

In my own situation, I have large chunks of both sides of my family in the Tri-State area and some friends I want to invite, while my BF's circles are smaller for family but bigger for friends. So I would be inviting more family, and he would be inviting more friends. Inviting in circles for us doesn't mean we have the same circles.

tcnoble · February 2014

@amandaj424 you are getting some great advice, but I also received some similar advice and didn't agree with it (respectfully). We had the same dilemma, as detailed in a PP, but money wasn't an issue at all and we had the space. My parents didn't mind paying for the guests, and we didn't do a "tit-for-tat" scenario, nor did I throw in there that MY parents are paying for the wedding so he shouldn't get more guests. For me it came down to simply not wanting a wedding that big. I know people say once you hit 150, what's 200? Well for me it's 50 more people I don't know and that my FI isn't particularly close to being there on one of the most important days of our lives. I didn't view our wedding as a "more the merrier" situation, but I was also fortunate in that my FI agreed and we were able to cut our list down without him feeling slighted. This is really something that will come down to what is important to the both of you.

phira · February 2014

Yikes. That is a lot of cousins.

My perspective: I do think that for some couples, it's impossible to have a small wedding, and it sounds like you are one of those couples. And I think it's completely fair and okay to have uneven guest lists (we're inviting about 140 people and 90 of them are my guests). There are ways to manage both of these situations; treat yourself like an introverted bride (even if you're not usually an introvert) and focus on ways for you and your fiance to have privacy during the wedding day (first look, yechud (a tradition I think should be adopted by non-Jews because it's the best), and a sweetheart table.

However, I think that your fiance's demand--that he will forgo inviting his 80+ cousins but only if you don't invite your one cousin (+ spouse and kids)--is unreasonable. I do believe in inviting in circles, but this is one situation where (depending on how old everyone is) you might want to have an age cut-off for little cousins. Or only invite cousins that you're close to. Since your family is paying, I would emphasize that you're trying to keep costs down by having a smaller wedding (smallER, not small obviously). It doesn't have to be every cousin or no cousin.

In the meantime, I would try to balance things out a bit on your end (if you can, and if you WANT to). My partner despairs sometimes when he looks at our uneven guest list, but when I offer him the chance to invite more friends, he can't think of anyone else he wants to invite. If you have friends you were leaving off the guest list to try to keep things small, consider inviting them.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

scribe95 said:

It is time to let this argument go and invite everyone. Your parents are fine with it. He obviously wants it (regardless of him saying he would be okay with not, he clearly isn't).

You would have over 100 no matter what, which is not a small wedding. And these people will be your family - time to start getting to know them!

I'm sorry, but really? Her FI volunteered to cut the cousins, but based on a few paragraphs from OP on a message board, you are that certain that he wants them there?

It's possible that he's not saying what he means, but to go so far as to say he obviously wants them there is a bit much. Maybe he actually means what he says and doesn't care about inviting them.

antoto · February 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

scribe95 said:

It is time to let this argument go and invite everyone. Your parents are fine with it. He obviously wants it (regardless of him saying he would be okay with not, he clearly isn't).

You would have over 100 no matter what, which is not a small wedding. And these people will be your family - time to start getting to know them!

I'm sorry, but really? Her FI volunteered to cut the cousins, but based on a few paragraphs from OP on a message board, you are that certain that he wants them there?

It's possible that he's not saying what he means, but to go so far as to say he obviously wants them there is a bit much. Maybe he actually means what he says and doesn't care about inviting them.

But if he truly doesn't care about inviting them then why on Earth would he fight her on her one cousin? I would guess that he DOES care.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

antoto said:

MyNameIsNot said:

scribe95 said:

It is time to let this argument go and invite everyone. Your parents are fine with it. He obviously wants it (regardless of him saying he would be okay with not, he clearly isn't).

You would have over 100 no matter what, which is not a small wedding. And these people will be your family - time to start getting to know them!

I'm sorry, but really? Her FI volunteered to cut the cousins, but based on a few paragraphs from OP on a message board, you are that certain that he wants them there?

It's possible that he's not saying what he means, but to go so far as to say he obviously wants them there is a bit much. Maybe he actually means what he says and doesn't care about inviting them.

But if he truly doesn't care about inviting them then why on Earth would he fight her on her one cousin? I would guess that he DOES care.

This is also what leads me to believe he actually does want them there.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

antoto said:

MyNameIsNot said:

scribe95 said:

It is time to let this argument go and invite everyone. Your parents are fine with it. He obviously wants it (regardless of him saying he would be okay with not, he clearly isn't).

You would have over 100 no matter what, which is not a small wedding. And these people will be your family - time to start getting to know them!

I'm sorry, but really? Her FI volunteered to cut the cousins, but based on a few paragraphs from OP on a message board, you are that certain that he wants them there?

It's possible that he's not saying what he means, but to go so far as to say he obviously wants them there is a bit much. Maybe he actually means what he says and doesn't care about inviting them.

But if he truly doesn't care about inviting them then why on Earth would he fight her on her one cousin? I would guess that he DOES care.

He may think it will cause drama with his family. He may be under some misguided belief that there is an etiquette rule that requires them to invite in circles. He may not like the cousin or have some other reason that none of us have considered. Or he may be playing passive aggressive and actually want to invite them.

My point is that if OP (who actually had this conversation and knows this person) doesn't think he wants to invite them, it's pretty far fetched for us to say with certainty that he wants to invite the cousins.

vt&dt · February 2014

OP, this may be completely unrelated... and I apologize... but I'm wondering if your FI is this stubborn and uncompromising on other things. If so... that's something you'll want to figure out before getting married.

Who you invite should not determine who he invites, given that neither of you have to exclude people you're very close with, include SO's for your guests, and the final # fits in your venue and budget.

On one hand, I don't mind large groups of people and have a huge family - so I'm tempted to suggest just inviting all of the cousins and letting it go. But I'm bothered with his refusal to let you invite your cousin that you're close with unless he gets to add 80 to the list, and that he seems to be disregarding your wish to keep the wedding smaller/more intimate. Is this a common behavior for him?

I can just see this tendency (if it's a common thing) of his becoming a huge problem when trying to make more difficult and important decisions in the future.

kiwikiss56 · February 2014

OP - I think that you talk to your FI about it and say that you absolutely want to have your one cousin there. Then he can decide if he wants to invite 0, 80 or 20 cousins. Just because you invite your 1 cousin doesn't mean he has to invite all or any of his. Put the ball in his court.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

antoto said:

MyNameIsNot said:

scribe95 said:

It is time to let this argument go and invite everyone. Your parents are fine with it. He obviously wants it (regardless of him saying he would be okay with not, he clearly isn't).

You would have over 100 no matter what, which is not a small wedding. And these people will be your family - time to start getting to know them!

I'm sorry, but really? Her FI volunteered to cut the cousins, but based on a few paragraphs from OP on a message board, you are that certain that he wants them there?

It's possible that he's not saying what he means, but to go so far as to say he obviously wants them there is a bit much. Maybe he actually means what he says and doesn't care about inviting them.

But if he truly doesn't care about inviting them then why on Earth would he fight her on her one cousin? I would guess that he DOES care.

He may think it will cause drama with his family. He may be under some misguided belief that there is an etiquette rule that requires them to invite in circles. He may not like the cousin or have some other reason that none of us have considered. Or he may be playing passive aggressive and actually want to invite them.

My point is that if OP (who actually had this conversation and knows this person) doesn't think he wants to invite them, it's pretty far fetched for us to say with certainty that he wants to invite the cousins.

No one is claiming to be certain about anything.

To me he sounds like he is being passive aggressive, given the context of the info we have been given by the OP. I believe several PP's suggested she clarify things with her FI.

ETA: Ok maybe scribe is certain, but she might be correct on this one.

phira · February 2014

I want to point out, I think that we might be talking about two different "wants them there"s.

1) What is clear is that he would like to invite all of his cousins.

2) What is not clear is whether or not he wants to invite all of them because he's close to all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins and would be sad to leave anyone out, or if it's because he wants to invite his cousins as a group because that's what's expected and what he expects.

If that makes sense. I'm actually not inviting one entire side of my family, and my partner isn't inviting one of his uncles.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

amandaj424, does the 80 include all bf/gf/FI/spouses/SOs?

mrsbanany · February 2014

phira said:

I want to point out, I think that we might be talking about two different "wants them there"s.

1) What is clear is that he would like to invite all of his cousins.

2) What is not clear is whether or not he wants to invite all of them because he's close to all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins and would be sad to leave anyone out, or if it's because he wants to invite his cousins as a group because that's what's expected and what he expects.

If that makes sense. I'm actually not inviting one entire side of my family, and my partner isn't inviting one of his uncles.

This. He is close to some cousins, not all. All of his cousins were invited to his sisters wedding in December. Her wedding was considerably smaller, her husband came over on the FI visa and none of his family was able to come from China so the wedding was just her side. They invited about 150 and only 75 came (they planned the whole wedding in 1 month and it was right before Christmas) However, they were all invited. I think this has a lot to do with the reason why he wants to invite all of them. And no, the 80 does not include SOs. We have talked about inviting the cousins children, provided they were invited, and we decided not to. However, he was willing to budge on making an exception for my cousin's kids only because he has some cousins who are younger than my cousin's kids.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

amandaj424 said:

phira said:

I want to point out, I think that we might be talking about two different "wants them there"s.

1) What is clear is that he would like to invite all of his cousins.

2) What is not clear is whether or not he wants to invite all of them because he's close to all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins and would be sad to leave anyone out, or if it's because he wants to invite his cousins as a group because that's what's expected and what he expects.

If that makes sense. I'm actually not inviting one entire side of my family, and my partner isn't inviting one of his uncles.

This. He is close to some cousins, not all. All of his cousins were invited to his sisters wedding in December. Her wedding was considerably smaller, her husband came over on the FI visa and none of his family was able to come from China so the wedding was just her side. They invited about 150 and only 75 came (they planned the whole wedding in 1 month and it was right before Christmas) However, they were all invited. I think this has a lot to do with the reason why he wants to invite all of them. And no, the 80 does not include SOs. We have talked about inviting the cousins children, provided they were invited, and we decided not to. However, he was willing to budge on making an exception for my cousin's kids only because he has some cousins who are younger than my cousin's kids.

Ok, so it seems he feels like he has to invite all of these people as a family obligation, it doesn't seem like he wants to invite all of them because he actually has a close relationship with them.

I think it's fine to only invite the cousins he is actually close with, if that is what he truly wants.

Or, he can invite all 80, but no matter what you guys have to invite their SO's. You can draw the line at not inviting their children.

The great guest list war of 2014

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