Step-daughter wants to change her name, how to tell her mother?

antoto · February 2014

You should update us on what happens after you speak with biomom!

photokitty · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

@Simply Fated; Yes, SD's mum chose to move away.

When SD was born, she, her mother and FI lived in a flat in Edinburgh. I moved in five months later, with SD's mum's full permission, so that she could go back to University. She left six months later, moved to the other end of the country, and she didn't see her for almost a year after that. So, you can't really blame FI and I for taking her to Germany.

And my FI and SD's mum were never in a relationship, never mind married; she is, basically, the result of a drunken one-night stand. SD was originally supposed to have her mom's name, but changed her mind when she got offered a job down in London, and she didn't want to take SD with her.

The age isn't an issue, as long as SD's mum says yes. Which, honestly, I think she will. FI is going to phone her in just under an hour, and speak to her about name changing then.

Given this info - why not ask her to relinquish custody and you adopt her? Perhaps she would be willing since you suggest she has little attachment to SD. Are you willing to adopt her? I would think that would solve everything.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

@photokitty Because she is still her daughter. And SD adores her grandmother, and I know what it's like to be six and go from having a loving grandparent and then never seeing them. SD's mum adores SD, but doesn't know how to deal with her. SD's mum would never, ever, give up her tiny share of custody.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

@photokitty Because she is still her daughter. And SD adores her grandmother, and I know what it's like to be six and go from having a loving grandparent and then never seeing them. SD's mum adores SD, but doesn't know how to deal with her. SD's mum would never, ever, give up her tiny share of custody.

Your adopting her wouldn't make her not biologically related to her grandmother -- and I would hope that you and FI wouldn't keep her from someone who loves her.

I had friends growing up who were adopted by a step-parent but still saw their bio-grandparents, because their parents didn't see the reason to punish the grandparents for the other parent's failings.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 Of course we wouldn't stop her from seeing her grandmother! But it would upset SD to know she wasn't technically related to her anymore. But, as I said, there is no way her mother would give up her custody anyway.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

@HisGirlFriday13 Of course we wouldn't stop her from seeing her grandmother! But it would upset SD to know she wasn't technically related to her anymore. But, as I said, there is no way her mother would give up her custody anyway.

But she IS still related to her -- through DNA, if not through legal recognition. Families are what you make them -- inclusive and exclusive of DNA, with or without legal strictures.

DH's father likes to claim "but we're family" all the time when he wants something -- nope, sorry. Your DNA doesn't make you family, it makes you an unfortunate genetic mistake.

DH's aunt (by adoption, not bio-related to his mother) isn't related by blood, but she's still family.

Your SD is terribly young to be worried about legal technicalities; I have to wonder if there's something else going on.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 What else could possibly be going on? There is no point considering adoption for us because as I have said more than once: SD's mother wouldn't give up her share of the custody.

zizibet · February 2014

It might still be hard without the mom's consent. My BFF went through this awhile back-bio dad was not at all involved in his daughter's life, other than CS, but he refused her request to change her last name to her mom's maiden name. She wasn't able to do it until she turned 18.
I'm also not sure this is a decision a 5 year old should be making.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

Why shouldn't she be making this decision - she'll be swapping her dad's old name for his new one; it makes sense really.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

@antoto and anybody else who cares really; FI's just off the phone with SD's mum and she says she's okay with it: as long as we don't change her name until after we come back from our honeymoon and we make SD's mum's surname SD's middle name. According to FI she was a little iffy about it at first, but quickly decided that it was easier for SD to have the same surname as me if FI was having the same surname as me.

So, that's sorted! Thanks to everyone who offered advice, even if that advice was; wait until she's older. She'll be almost eight by the time we actually change it anyway.

antoto · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

@antoto and anybody else who cares really; FI's just off the phone with SD's mum and she says she's okay with it: as long as we don't change her name until after we come back from our honeymoon and we make SD's mum's surname SD's middle name. According to FI she was a little iffy about it at first, but quickly decided that it was easier for SD to have the same surname as me if FI was having the same surname as me.

So, that's sorted! Thanks to everyone who offered advice, even if that advice was; wait until she's older. She'll be almost eight by the time we actually change it anyway.

Really happy this went well for you! Congrats on your upcoming wedding

Inkdancer · February 2014

Yay, I'm so glad it worked out! If she still wants her daddy's name when she's eight, I think you should go ahead with it.

(FTR, I am 25 and now getting legally adopted by my stepdad. Him asking me was the sweetest thing in the whole world and I am thrilled to take his name.)

happywiggle · February 2014

@pumpkinsandturkeys I come from something similar--I have my stepfather's last name. However, I hate it; I was tricked into it at the age of 6, and it was illegally changed (long story). I can't wait to change it. It's just easier if I wait until I have it legally changed than to have changed it only to have it changed again (I have academic papers with my current last name, and changing it multiple times would just be a headache).

OP, I would listen to your SD's request, but also make sure she truly wants it because she actually wants to do it, not just because her last name will be different. If you have a decent relationship with the birth mother, maybe the three of you can talk and sit down with your SD to figure out what her reasoning behind it is and what she truly wants?

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

As long as she wants that name once the wedding roles around I see no problem with the arrangement. I am glad the compromise of changing her middle name to the biomom's surname worked out for you

WildMagelet · February 2014

I'm glad it worked out. I was waiting to post until I finished reading the thread, but I was also going to suggest using Biomoms surname as a middle name

LowerEastSiiide · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:
My FI is taking my name when we get married, and his daughter (who has lived with us since she was 11 months old) has told us that when we get married, she definitely wants to have my surname too, since she currently has her dad's surname. I'm actually really happy about this, and so is FI, but we're worried about how to approach the subject with her mother. She's a really good friend of mine, actually, and I've known her since I was 13, and she only sees my step-daughter for 3 days a month (her choice), but I'm fairly sure she won't be very happy about it, and we need her permission to change SD's name.

What would be the best way to breach the subject with SD's mother?

This is way too young to be making any decisions. Unless mom has issues (psychological, substance abuse, etc) then you don't broach it at all...

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

LowerEastSiiide said:

MuttiSigyn said:
My FI is taking my name when we get married, and his daughter (who has lived with us since she was 11 months old) has told us that when we get married, she definitely wants to have my surname too, since she currently has her dad's surname. I'm actually really happy about this, and so is FI, but we're worried about how to approach the subject with her mother. She's a really good friend of mine, actually, and I've known her since I was 13, and she only sees my step-daughter for 3 days a month (her choice), but I'm fairly sure she won't be very happy about it, and we need her permission to change SD's name.

What would be the best way to breach the subject with SD's mother?
This is way too young to be making any decisions. Unless mom has issues (psychological, substance abuse, etc) then you don't broach it at all...

Well, its done now. Why shouldn't we have asked her mother? SD will be almost 8 by the time we change her name. I knew I wanted to change my name by the time I was 8.

emmyg65 · February 2014

Glad to see you all were able to work it out!

mzbda · February 2014

I have to say I enjoyed reading this thread.

I'm 28 and have had three last names, without having been married.

When I was born, I had biodad's name. When him and my mom broke up, she changed it to her name. I wasn't more than a year old. When she got married when I was 3, her hubby adopted me and my name was changed to mom's last name as a second middle and his last name as mine.

Fast forward to I was 17, he kicked me out after my parents divorced because I refused to accept his mistress as my stepmother. He cut all ties.

I kept his last name until my senior year of university when I decided that he didn't deserve to have his name on my diploma. I changed it back to my mom's name.

Now, ten years later, my dad and I have reconciled and are very close but I am keeping my mom's last name. I doubt I will even change it when I get married.

And, after all that, when I had my son, I stupidly gave him my ex's last name with my last name as his second middle. Now that he's gone AWOL, I wish I had given my son my last name only. It costs $800 to change and I highly doubt he will give consent. Sooo frustrating. I should've listened to my mom!

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

I think this would be entirely different if SD actually had bio mom's name but from my understand she does not, she has Dad's name...so changing it really doesn't change much for bio mom (it's not like her name is being removed). If her dad changes his name, and she does not, she will be an 8 year old with a last name that doesn't match either of her parents. In this case, I think it is perfectly fine to make that decision so young.

Step-daughter wants to change her name, how to tell her mother?

Re: Step-daughter wants to change her name, how to tell her mother?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards