Vow renewal after one year. Is this weird?

TerriHugg · February 2014

Is it weird to have a vow renewal after one year of marriage? I'd like for dh and I to do a private one for our one year anniversary. I guess it's not really an etiquette related question since it will only involve dh, myself, an officiant and maybe a photographer. DH thinks it's weird and unnecessary since we haven't struggled or had any hardships etc.

I just think there is nothing more romantic than two people pledging their love to each other in a private setting. I'd love to do it in a garden around here with just the two of us. But dh thinks it's unnecessary. ( I guess I agree it's unnecessary. Renewals rarely are but I still think it's romantic)

I guess I should say that I when getting married I really wanted us to elope in Barbados. However, I gave into the wishes of dh and family members by having a a small wedding in the Bahamas. I loved our wedding, but part of me still craves that intimacy and romanticism surrounding a very simplistic ceremony of two people in love.

What do you think? Is it weird to have a private renewal after one year? Like I said, if we do this it will be a private thing with no guests, no gifts, etc. I'm not even convinced I would tell other people should we do it.

Thoughts?

Simply Fated · February 2014

TerriHugg said:

Is it weird to have a vow renewal after one year of marriage? I'd like for dh and I to do a private one for our one year anniversary. I guess it's not really an etiquette related question since it will only involve dh, myself, an officiant and maybe a photographer. DH thinks it's weird and unnecessary since we haven't struggled or had any hardships etc.

I just think there is nothing more romantic than two people pledging their love to each other in a private setting. I'd love to do it in a garden around here with just the two of us. But dh thinks it's unnecessary.

I guess I should say that I when getting married I really wanted us to elope in Barbados. However, I gave into the wishes of dh and family members by having a a small wedding in the Bahamas. I loved our wedding, but part of me still craves that intimacy and romanticism surrounding a very simplistic ceremony of two people in love.

What do you think? Is it weird to have a private renewal after one year? Like I said, if we do this it will be a private thing with no guests, no gifts, etc. I'm not even convinced I would tell other people should we do it.

Thoughts?

I feel like if you had a photographer there, it would contradict the whole "privacy" aspect you're going for.

Why not just take a trip to Barbados with a camera?

I'm not against private vow renewals, but only if both spouses are into it, and he clearly isn't. So there is your answer.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

It does sound a little strange without having gone through something rough, but, if it's just the two of you, then I don't see why you can't! It certainly wouldn't be offending anyone

I do also remember your struggle with your wedding (planning around guest feedback and then none of them wanting to attend.) In that case, I can understand why you would want to have the private moment that you wanted all along.

edit- spelling

Inkdancer · February 2014

Perhaps you could wait a bit? A vow renewal after just one year is unusual, but perhaps on a 5 year anniversary it would be easier for your husband to agree to. I think a 5-year anniversary trip to Barbados with a private vow renewal would be very romantic.

JaxInBlue · February 2014

I think it's weird but really only because it's so soon. I appreciate wanting to do something private but I agree with Inkdancer - 5 years would be the soonest I'd do a vow renewal.

That said, it sounds like it would just be the two of you, and a photographer if you want one, so if you are both on board with the idea, it's no harm to me.

Would there be room for a middle ground - maybe a trash the dress shoot now and plans for an intimate vow renewal in a few anniversaries?

NYCMercedes · February 2014

It's just the two of you. Do whatever you want.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

Why not go to Barbados for your anniversary anyway but hold off on the vow renewal for your 5 year?

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

Personally, I feel like if your having to force the issue with FI, you should drop it for now.

TerriHugg · February 2014

Hi ladies,

Thanks for you feedback. I truly appreciate. Just to make it clear I AM NOT forcing my husband to do anything. We really only had the conversation twice. It would just be very important to me and I was hoping dh would feel the same way. Apparently, he doesn't despite us making this agreement when we first got married. So i'll just have to accept that I'll have to wait even longer to do it.

I just really wanted to understand why people thought it was weird when people had a vow renewal soon after their wedding. I could understand if people were having a full blow out party for their own year renewal. But I never saw the problem if people were doing it privately.

I guess I just don't get why many years of marriage or a personal hardship must be present to reaffirm your love and vows and have people not think it's weird. I feel like people only think it's weird because it's not commonly done, but my assumption could be way off base.

Regardless, because dh isn't on board I don't see this happening even though it would mean a lot to me to do it.

Thanks agains for the feedback everyone. I truly appreciate it.

Simply Fated · February 2014

I don't think anyone here thought you were planning on forcing your husband to renew his vows with you. But it does sound like you would have to convince him to do it, and that's not good, either.

There are a few reasons why I'm not a huge fan of vow renewals so soon after the wedding date...

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that in my circle, a vow renewal is sometimes looked upon as a gift giving event. So having one so soon after we gave a gift for your engagement party, shower, and then wedding... can be financially straining. I'd turn down going. And I have.

That's just one example and doesn't really fit with what you're planning, but you asked for a reason and there it is. Another reason is that it honestly comes off as AWish. Again, nothing to do with what you're planning, but just another example.

What you're planning is a private vow renewal. My question to you is, why? I know you said it would be romantic... but it's not like you're getting married, unless you got divorced. What you'll be doing is reconfirming your love and commitment to each other, which is great, but why do you need an officiant for that? You can do it right now. With each other. Since it won't be a legal or a religious reconfirming, is an officiant needed?

I think this is why I think it's weird... it doesn't make any logical or rational sense to me.

emmyg65 · February 2014

Honestly, I'm not a fan of vow renewals, ever. Your original vows are strong enough to encompass anything, and you reaffirm your commitment every day that you choose to stay together. But that's just my opinion, and it shouldn't have any bearing on what you and your DH do.

Since your DH isn't in favor of the renewal, why don't you just take a romantic trip to Barbados together?

TerriHugg · February 2014

Simply Fated said:

I don't think anyone here thought you were planning on forcing your husband to renew his vows with you. But it does sound like you would have to convince him to do it, and that's not good, either.

There are a few reasons why I'm not a huge fan of vow renewals so soon after the wedding date...
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that in my circle, a vow renewal is sometimes looked upon as a gift giving event. So having one so soon after we gave a gift for your engagement party, shower, and then wedding... can be financially straining. I'd turn down going. And I have.
That's just one example and doesn't really fit with what you're planning, but you asked for a reason and there it is. Another reason is that it honestly comes off as AWish. Again, nothing to do with what you're planning, but just another example.

What you're planning is a private vow renewal. My question to you is, why? I know you said it would be romantic... but it's not like you're getting married, unless you got divorced. What you'll be doing is reconfirming your love and commitment to each other, which is great, but why do you need an officiant for that? You can do it right now. With each other. Since it won't be a legal or a religious reconfirming, is an officiant needed?
I think this is why I think it's weird... it doesn't make any logical or rational sense to me.

@simplyfated

Thanks for the input. The only reason why I stated the forcing subject is because someone earlier said I need to drop it if I'm forcing the issue with dh. I know it wasn't intentional but I took a bit of offense to it. (but admittedly i'm overly sensitive.) I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn't pushing anything with him. But you're right I would have to convince him of it and I'm not doing that either. I must admit that I am a bit hurt that he doesn't want to. But that's a whole different subject...

Anyway, I also said I get why people think it's weird to have a vow renewal and invite other people or make a big thing of it. I wanted to know why people would think a private renewal after one year is weird since it's clearly not for gifts, dressing up, or attention.

And in response to your last question, an officiant isn't needed. I know it's really not a logical or rational reason but it would just be important to me. -- I guess the same way wearing a gown may be special to a bride even though it's clearly not necessary to get married. I get what you are saying about being able to reaffirm love without all of that. It's just that I had my heart set on doing it it this way. There really is no logical way to explain it. It's more of an emotional thing. I just think regardless of the reason, time period, etcetera a private renewal/reaffirmation ceremony will always be a beautiful thing. I just struggle with why other people don't see it that way even if it is a private thing. I don't get why other people think a private ceremony is weird even if it doesn't involve them.

But thanks for sharing your view.

TerriHugg · February 2014

emmyg65 said:

Honestly, I'm not a fan of vow renewals, ever. Your original vows are strong enough to encompass anything, and you reaffirm your commitment every day that you choose to stay together. But that's just my opinion, and it shouldn't have any bearing on what you and your DH do.

Since your DH isn't in favor of the renewal, why don't you just take a romantic trip to Barbados together?

@emmyg65

I actually understand this. You are right. Original vows are strong enough to encompass anything. And you definitely do reaffirm them every day you are together. You make a good point. I don't dispute that. I guess I just see the vow renewal as reaffirming your love in an extra special way. No - it's not necessary much like having a bunch of there people at your wedding isn't necessary. Or celebrating valentine's day isn't necessary. It's just a special thing to do on that day. I don't think any of these things have logical or rational reasons behind them. Their just emotional. And that's how I feel about renewals.

But no, we aren't going to Barbados. It's a good suggestion but neither of us want to go to nor do we have the money to go there anyway.

CheleLyn · February 2014

I know a couple who has been married just over thirty years. On their anniversary every year they do a renewal with just them and their pastor to give thanks for the previous year together and to rededicate themselves to each other and god. After, they go to a nice dinner together with their grown children and grandchildren.

lc07 · February 2014

I don't think it's weird at all. But unfortunately it's not something your husband wants to do so I am with you on not pushing it.

TerriHugg · February 2014

@Chelelyn I like that. I think that is so sweet. I would love to do something like that. But I hardly doubt dh would be on board.

Peaseblossom55 · February 2014

I don't see a need to renew the vows after a year. May be find something special the two of your can do together on your anniversary that you perhaps do every year, as way to remember the commitment you made to each other on your wedding day. I had one set of friends who get dressed up in their wedding clothes (tux & dress) and go out to dinner together.

BlueBirdMB · February 2014

I think having the photographer and officiant is a little much. My husband and I are planning to privately read our vows again each year on our anniversary. There will be no one else there (eh maybe our kid someday), just us. We want to do this to remind ourselves of our vows to each other. Maybe your husband would be open to something truly private.

TerriHugg · February 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

I think having the photographer and officiant is a little much. My husband and I are planning to privately read our vows again each year on our anniversary. There will be no one else there (eh maybe our kid someday), just us. We want to do this to remind ourselves of our vows to each other. Maybe your husband would be open to something truly private.

I could actually see why the photographer is a bit much. Honestly, I wasn't really definite on that either. I don't think the officiant is too much though.

But you make a good suggestion.

CMGragain · February 2014

If it is really private, it doesn't hurt anyone. Go ahead. I don't understand it, but it hurts no one.

lovesclimbing · February 2014

If your husband is on board, I say go for it. I wouldn't do one after one year, but that's me. You would be doing a private one, so it shouldn't offend anyone.

STARMOON44 · February 2014

Your vows said something about "till death do us part" or "as long as we both shall live" right? That's why I think renewing them is weird. The whole point of your wedding was making a lifelong commitment to each other. The vows don't need renewing.

dolewhipper · February 2014

TerriHugg said:

Is it weird to have a vow renewal after one year of marriage? I'd like for dh and I to do a private one for our one year anniversary. I guess it's not really an etiquette related question since it will only involve dh, myself, an officiant and maybe a photographer. DH thinks it's weird and unnecessary since we haven't struggled or had any hardships etc.

I just think there is nothing more romantic than two people pledging their love to each other in a private setting. I'd love to do it in a garden around here with just the two of us. But dh thinks it's unnecessary. ( I guess I agree it's unnecessary. Renewals rarely are but I still think it's romantic)

I guess I should say that I when getting married I really wanted us to elope in Barbados. However, I gave into the wishes of dh and family members by having a a small wedding in the Bahamas. I loved our wedding, but part of me still craves that intimacy and romanticism surrounding a very simplistic ceremony of two people in love.

What do you think? Is it weird to have a private renewal after one year? Like I said, if we do this it will be a private thing with no guests, no gifts, etc. I'm not even convinced I would tell other people should we do it.

Thoughts?

My father and step mother did this every year, which I found completely and utterly romantic. They would travel somewhere they've never been and renew their vows, and ask someone to take a photo of them together afterwards. However, my father was in remission from stage 4 stomach cancer and they knew it was an extremely high likelihood it would come back (which it did).

From seeing that, I know I will want to do something similar with my FI on our anniversaries. IDK every year, but at least every 5 years. Find what's most important to you; is it the vows? Is it the feeling of reliving the day (with your gown/tux)? Is it the "standing before God" sort of thing to show your love for one another? Is it because you didn't get the intimate feeling before that would have happened in Barbados? I would meditate on what you want to accomplish from a renewal and focus on that. Good luck!

TerriHugg · February 2014

Thanks for all the feedback ladies. Dh actually brought it up again to me and decided he is on board with the private renewal. I'm very excited.

It's funny to see all the varying opinions on this. I discussed this on another board as well. So far all the hopeless romantics think a private renewal at one year is incredibly sweet. Meanwhile, the logical ones think it's dumb or weird.

JennyColada · February 2014

I think that on the surface it seems sweet. But what is the point in a vow renewal? You are re-affirming yourselves to each other.

I think to need to do that so often kind of is just a red flag to me. I mean, I'm all about doing romantic things with my partner and like I said, the idea of it seems sweet so I'd see why people would want to do it. But it seems very superficial (as in, it doesn't carry a lot of meaning...since if it did then wouldn't that imply that you're on the verge of breaking up like every year?).

So I guess it just seems worrisome to have the partners feel like they need to actively re-invest themselves into the relationship every year.

But I can't say that I really care what other people do a whole lot. Have a vow renewal or don't have a vow renewal. All I know is that I probably personally wouldn't want to.

TerriHugg · February 2014

@jennycolada

I get what you are saying. But I think you are overanalyzing. No one NEEDS to have a vow renewal EVER. I certainly don't NEED to have a vow renewal every year. Because like someone stated before vows don't expire and continue till death. I'm really just doing it to be romantic on a special day. I don't see why doing that is red flag on a relationship or means that a person may be in dire trouble.

I feel like you shouldn't need a reason such as turmoil, hardship, disease, etc to do something extra special. And it is by no means worrisome in the relationship if a couple chooses to do a renewal.

Like I said before, it's more of an emotional thing. Not everything has to be logical. It's the same reason some people may choose to do something extra special on Valentine's Day even though they show love to each other everyday. Or it could the same way someone does something special for their mom on mother's day despite showing appreciation for your mom religiously. You don't always need a compelling logical reason to do something.

Some things really are just emotional and done from the simplest of places without being superficial or needing to fix something.

But like you said, you just have to do what works for you. I appreciate the feedback.

sofakingmad · February 2014

I see nothing wrong with doing a vow renewal in Barbados with just the two of you and getting some amazing pictures.

It's not hurting anyone else.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

@TerriHugg - why do you feel, emotionally, that you need a yearly vow renewal? Planning a romantic dinner for Valentines day is completely different then having to reaffirm your wedding vows with an officiant on a yearly basis.

But in my opinion I think the officiant and photographer is over kill. But if you two want to dress nicely and stand in a pretty spot and recite your vows to each other on your anniversary then that is fine, but anything more then that, IMO, is a bit much.

phira · February 2014

I honestly don't see a vow renewal as anything weirder than celebrating Valentine's Day or your anniversary (and honestly, it IS celebrating your anniversary), especially if it's a private celebration.

I've also heard of a lot of couples doing private 1-year anniversary vow renewals after having a big wedding that was planned or influenced by a lot of other people. That makes sense to me--you're reaffirming your vows to each other privately after having your first affirmation be uncomfortably (for you) public.

sofakingmad · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

@TerriHugg - why do you feel, emotionally, that you need a yearly vow renewal? Planning a romantic dinner for Valentines day is completely different then having to reaffirm your wedding vows with an officiant on a yearly basis.

But in my opinion I think the officiant and photographer is over kill. But if you two want to dress nicely and stand in a pretty spot and recite your vows to each other on your anniversary then that is fine, but anything more then that, IMO, is a bit much.

I guess I can see why an officiant is just kind of a waste of money, but if I could afford to hire a professional photographer to follow me around during vacations and what not, I would totally do that.

But I think that professional pictures are amazing and totally worth having.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my wedding photos. I looked so good. I'm thinking of making my dress a different color. Or photoshopping a hot man's face over my exHs. LOL.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

@DragonBlood13

Would this work?

Vow renewal after one year. Is this weird?

Re: Vow renewal after one year. Is this weird?

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