Head Table

kms6169 · February 2014

I have been lurking on this section for what seems like an eternity, so please school me if necessary on this...

Is it really common etiquette to have dates of the wedding party sit at the head table? We have been to approximately 6 weddings since FI and I have been together,although none since we have been engaged. He has been in 3 of the six, I have been in 1 and we were a guest at the other two. At the weddings that we have actually been part of the wedding party, the SO has not been seated at the head table. I didn't find this weird at all, but now looking back at some of these posts it seems like this is a rather common ordeal. In my opinion, it adds unnecessary attention to those we did not ask to be part of the wedding party and might cause them to be uncomfortable when the wedding party is announced. It just ultimately seems unnecessary. I can honestly say that I don't think we will have any SO's at the head table, but since this is the first time I am seeing this I want to see what kind of havoc I am creating. Can anyone shed some light on this? Thanks.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I don't think it's *common* etiquette, because I'm like you and I rarely see SOs at the head table. But, I do think it's rude to seat couples separately wherever you are. So, while it's uncommon, it's still good etiquette to seat them together. All those weddings treated you and your SO rudely.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

It is considered rude not to let SOs sit with their date at a wedding. You wouldn't split up a normal guest from their SO when creating a seating chart, so why would you treat your bridal party (those you cherish most and who honor you by standing by your side) worse than a normal guests? How are the SO's supposed to feel?

I don't see how it creates an confusion by allowing them to sit next to their SOs. I do see how rude and awkward it is not to allow someone to sit next to their date.

mlg78 · February 2014

Everywhere on the TK forums they say it's rude to seat them separately, but like you, I've never attended a wedding where this was done unless the couple went the sweetheart table route and then the WP was just seated with the rest of the guests. I had a typical head table with just the WP and honestly -- when I mentioned having the SOs sit at the head table the venue manager looked at me like I had 3 heads.

kms6169 · February 2014

I get the point of not splitting up couples. Am I just the oddball out that I did not feel weird or taken aback when I found out that I was not seated at the head table when my SO was in the bridal party? At my brother's wedding this past October, we had the head table, which included my oldest brother, my sister, myself, etc (total bridal party of 12 including the bridge and groom) that all had SO's. So for instance, my brother's wife, whom he had been married to for over 8 years, was not sitting at the head table. Do you have only the head table of 2, such as a sweetheart table and have everyone else seated at tables, or invite the whole lot to sit in front of all of your guests at the head table (24 people in this example). I guess my confusion is that you ask your bridal party to stand up with you, not the SO's. BUT, I am a glutton for etiquette and understand the notion of not splitting up couples.

tigersgirlgv · February 2014

I've seen this happen at almost every wedding I've been to. The only wedding I've seen SOs seated with the wedding party had a sweetheart table with the wedding party seated at other tables with their SOs. This might be a good idea if you're worried about the wedding party dates feeling uncomfortable, but I don't think they will. I think they'd be more uncomfortable separated from their dates.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

It is rude to separate people from their so's/dates at weddings. If you do not want non bridal party members at the head table consider doing a sweetheart table and seating the bridal party separate.

It will not create confusion when the bridal party is announced you can either have the dates already at the table(s) or have the DJ announce each bridal party member separately and walk in with their SO. Female SO's will not be in bridesmaids dresses and Male SO's will not be in tuxes (unless it is black tie) no one will confuse them.

manateehugger · February 2014

kms6169 said:

I get the point of not splitting up couples. Am I just the oddball out that I did not feel weird or taken aback when I found out that I was not seated at the head table when my SO was in the bridal party? At my brother's wedding this past October, we had the head table, which included my oldest brother, my sister, myself, etc (total bridal party of 12 including the bridge and groom) that all had SO's. So for instance, my brother's wife, whom he had been married to for over 8 years, was not sitting at the head table. Do you have only the head table of 2, such as a sweetheart table and have everyone else seated at tables, or invite the whole lot to sit in front of all of your guests at the head table (24 people in this example). I guess my confusion is that you ask your bridal party to stand up with you, not the SO's. BUT, I am a glutton for etiquette and understand the notion of not splitting up couples.

Taken aback? No. Annoyed by it and spending dinner mouthing things to my FI? Yes.

The ceremony is not a social event. There's no talking or socializing that's expected to take place during the ceremony. It's easy to be the SO that just slips into a row during the aisle. It's not so fun or easy being the SO shoved in at the "date table." When I told my girls their dates would be sitting there, one of them expressed how grateful she was since her FI knows virtually no one else who will be at the wedding.

At the end of the day, look at it this way: why do you need to separate couples on a day celebrating love and commitment? It's a kind gesture that doesn't hurt or take away from you, but has great positives for the ones you chose to honor most on your wedding day.

ETA: Also, no it's not confusing. I've been sat at king's table with FI before when he was a GM. I had an escort card with my name on it that said "Head Table." There was a place card for FI at the king's table, so wasn't not exactly rocket science to figure out that I should sit next to him.

indianaalum · February 2014

I admit, I separated. If that's my biggest sin, kill me. I kinda feel like I had no choice, as I seriously looked at all options seating wise.

This is why I did it. I HATED the idea of a sweetheart table, as i personally feel its a "look at me, look at me" thing. Also, had I done it, I would have messed up the tables where my Bridal Party would have sat due to configurations of family and so forth.

We had two people with us on each side. 3 of the 4 people came with their spouses and KIDS which complicated the table situation (the 4th came with his wife who had a TON of friends to sit with so it's not like she sat alone), so there was no possible way to have all of those people at one table. We would have had NO choice, but to do a sweetheart table, otherwise OUR table would have been like 15-20 people. Which was not an option for a table size at our venue.

The people who came with our bridal party, all sat with their family/friends, so nobody was alone. My bil's and nieces sat with my parents. not sure I think that was the end of the world especially since every family holiday ends up splitting up families due to eating space problems so my family is rather used to it actually

Had I sucked it up and done a sweetheart table, I still would have had to end up splitting up people who would have liked to sit together because of the "family" size aspect of my wedding party.

In the end, if that's the only "etiquette" faux pas I had, I can live with it. Dinner only lasted an hour, and nobody sat in their normal tables for the rest of the night anyway due to dancing and mingling, so no biggie..

lc07 · February 2014

indianaalum said:

I admit, I separated. If that's my biggest sin, kill me. I kinda feel like I had no choice, as I seriously looked at all options seating wise.

This is why I did it. I HATED the idea of a sweetheart table, as i personally feel its a "look at me, look at me" thing. Also, had I done it, I would have messed up the tables where my Bridal Party would have sat due to configurations of family and so forth.

We had two people with us on each side. 3 of the 4 people came with their spouses and KIDS which complicated the table situation (the 4th came with his wife who had a TON of friends to sit with so it's not like she sat alone), so there was no possible way to have all of those people at one table. We would have had NO choice, but to do a sweetheart table, otherwise OUR table would have been like 15-20 people. Which was not an option for a table size at our venue.

The people who came with our bridal party, all sat with their family/friends, so nobody was alone. My bil's and nieces sat with my parents. not sure I think that was the end of the world especially since every family holiday ends up splitting up families due to eating space problems so my family is rather used to it actually

Had I sucked it up and done a sweetheart table, I still would have had to end up splitting up people who would have liked to sit together because of the "family" size aspect of my wedding party.

In the end, if that's the only "etiquette" faux pas I had, I can live with it. Dinner only lasted an hour, and nobody sat in their normal tables for the rest of the night anyway due to dancing and mingling, so no biggie..

You had plenty of choices. You don't have to sit the entire WP at one table. You also don't have to have a sweetheart table. I've seen couples sit at "normal" tables with family or friends at the reception.

OP, it is rude to seat your WP separately from their SOs. The ceremony is different from the reception in that the WP is "off-duty" at the reception as the reception is a thank-you to your guests and WP for attending and participating in your ceremony.

I have seen head tables w/ SOs seated separately for sure but in my circle it almost never happens. WP members are seated amongst guests or SOs are seated at the head table. I recently attended a wedding where the SO of the best man was fuming mad about it. She talked to me about it privately and asked me not to tell the bride and groom. I know she didn't want to make a big stink about it even though it was rude. So it's true that people will talk about it behind your back.

phira · February 2014

I don't think it's against etiquette to seat SOs at a different table. But since I also don't think it's very nice to your wedding party to seat them separately from their SOs, I'd honestly just do a sweetheart table and not deal with it.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

lc07 said:

indianaalum said:

I admit, I separated. If that's my biggest sin, kill me. I kinda feel like I had no choice, as I seriously looked at all options seating wise.

This is why I did it. I HATED the idea of a sweetheart table, as i personally feel its a "look at me, look at me" thing. Also, had I done it, I would have messed up the tables where my Bridal Party would have sat due to configurations of family and so forth.

We had two people with us on each side. 3 of the 4 people came with their spouses and KIDS which complicated the table situation (the 4th came with his wife who had a TON of friends to sit with so it's not like she sat alone), so there was no possible way to have all of those people at one table. We would have had NO choice, but to do a sweetheart table, otherwise OUR table would have been like 15-20 people. Which was not an option for a table size at our venue.

The people who came with our bridal party, all sat with their family/friends, so nobody was alone. My bil's and nieces sat with my parents. not sure I think that was the end of the world especially since every family holiday ends up splitting up families due to eating space problems so my family is rather used to it actually

Had I sucked it up and done a sweetheart table, I still would have had to end up splitting up people who would have liked to sit together because of the "family" size aspect of my wedding party.

In the end, if that's the only "etiquette" faux pas I had, I can live with it. Dinner only lasted an hour, and nobody sat in their normal tables for the rest of the night anyway due to dancing and mingling, so no biggie..

You had plenty of choices. You don't have to sit the entire WP at one table. You also don't have to have a sweetheart table. I've seen couples sit at "normal" tables with family or friends at the reception.

OP, it is rude to seat your WP separately from their SOs. The ceremony is different from the reception in that the WP is "off-duty" at the reception as the reception is a thank-you to your guests and WP for attending and participating in your ceremony.

I have seen head tables w/ SOs seated separately for sure but in my circle it almost never happens. WP members are seated amongst guests or SOs are seated at the head table. I recently attended a wedding where the SO of the best man was fuming mad about it. She talked to me about it privately and asked me not to tell the bride and groom. I know she didn't want to make a big stink about it even though it was rude. So it's true that people will talk about it behind your back.

^ This x1000. There is no one way to arrange tables but you do not split up couples.

OP please do not split up your wedding party from their SO's. I will be doing a head table the first thing my sister asked me when she heard that is if her boyfriend was sitting with her. I reassured her she would not be separate. While my sister vocalized her desire to be with her SO I would have never dreamed about splitting them up. Your party may not be bold enough to say something to your face but they will say it to someone. I will have 18 people at my head table including SO's and children. It is always do-able or you can choose to have a sweetheart table, a kings tale, or nobody get the spotlight and sit at a regular table with parents or friends. It is up to you just don't split couples up

monkeysip · February 2014

This is one of my big etiquette pet peeves. I don't think there's any excuse for dividing up SOs from the wedding party. But that's also because I'm not a big fan of head tables to begin with.

I've only sat at one head table, and I hated it. It was my sister's wedding, and H was not invited because I was still in high school (totally fine etiquette wise--I'm not complaining). So I sat alone at the table between my sister (the bride) and a bridesmaid I didn't know. Sister was gone from the table most of the time, but when she was there during dinner, she talked to her husband, the groom, the whole time (totally understandable). And the bridesmaid next to me talked to the other bridesmaid next to her. So I had no one to talk to, and it's so awkward anyways since who likes to face out to the dance floor and eat while you're on display? I admit, I just really don't get head tables.

With that being said, I'm a fan of King's/Captain's tables and don't know why they're not used more often. They solve the whole problem of not having enough room for SOs at the table.

OR you could be like H and I and just sit at round tables like normal guests. It was so much more relaxing and not-awkward being able to talk to people around the table.

At the end of the day, if you insist on a head table, then just seat only the best man/maid of honor with their SOs with you. Or some other division of the wedding party. You don't have to seat all 8 maids/men and and their SOs. But DON'T split up couples at a CELEBRATION OF LOVE. Makes no sense whatsoever. And I'm hoping that if they chose to date/marry that person, they'd rather be spending the evening seated with that person.

kms6169 · February 2014

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone. I hadn't seen SO's at head tables in any weddings that I was at in the past two years, so I had to ask. I will definitely be rethinking plans for seating charts. Luckily, I have a bit over a year to think everything over!

Viczaesar · February 2014

kms6169 said:

I have been lurking on this section for what seems like an eternity, so please school me if necessary on this...

Is it really common etiquette to have dates of the wedding party sit at the head table? We have been to approximately 6 weddings since FI and I have been together,although none since we have been engaged. He has been in 3 of the six, I have been in 1 and we were a guest at the other two. At the weddings that we have actually been part of the wedding party, the SO has not been seated at the head table. I didn't find this weird at all, but now looking back at some of these posts it seems like this is a rather common ordeal. In my opinion, it adds unnecessary attention to those we did not ask to be part of the wedding party and might cause them to be uncomfortable when the wedding party is announced. It just ultimately seems unnecessary. I can honestly say that I don't think we will have any SO's at the head table, but since this is the first time I am seeing this I want to see what kind of havoc I am creating. Can anyone shed some light on this? Thanks.

It's not so much that it's 'common etiquette' to have the wedding party's dates sit with them at the head table as it is rude to split the wedding party up from their significant others at the reception. It's rude and wrong, and it adds insult to injury that you're doing this to the people to whom you are supposed to be close. Why would you even want to split your wedding party from their dates?

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

Head tables aren't really done in my circle of friends and family. I've only been to one wedding since I've been an adult that had one. I personally think they are outdated. The majority have sweetheart tables. It just makes the most sense since the bride and groom aren't in their seats for very long. Also I don't understand people saying sweetheart tables make them seem " on display"? Head tables make you on display.

MobKaz · February 2014

mlg78 said:

Everywhere on the TK forums they say it's rude to seat them separately, but like you, I've never attended a wedding where this was done unless the couple went the sweetheart table route and then the WP was just seated with the rest of the guests. I had a typical head table with just the WP and honestly -- when I mentioned having the SOs sit at the head table the venue manager looked at me like I had 3 heads.

Why would you care about the opinion of the venue manager?

Simply Fated · February 2014

Separating SOs in order to have just the bridal party sitting at the head table is a trend that has passed it's expiration date.

OP, I don't doubt for a second you haven't seen SOs with each other at the head table. It's not very common in some areas/circles to have SOs at the head table with the bridal party. That doesn't mean it's a good thing to have it that way. It's a terrible trend that, unfortunately, people have just accepted as the norm. However, there is nothing normal about separating couples just for aesthetic purposes, which is really the cause of this trend.

This particular trend isn't an old trend, when you consider how many years weddings have been going on for. There is still time for it to die out. And, as with all trends, you should only participate in them if you want to participate in them, never just because it's what you're used to seeing. That's my honest opinion.

In my opinion, it adds unnecessary attention to those we did not ask to be part of the wedding party and might cause them to be uncomfortable when the wedding party is announced.
Your guests won't be paying attention to the head table during dinner. They'll be busy staring into their own plate eating. The rest of the time they'll be dancing or talking amongst themselves. At no time will any of your guests be staring at the head table like it's an Academy Award winning movie.
Not a clue why anyone at the head table is going to be uncomfortable when the wedding party is announced... People are usually standing and clapping and watching people enter. There won't be any focus on the table itself.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I was at my FSIL's wedding and they had a head table. None of the wedding party sat with their SOs even though most of them were in the wedding party. I was the only person dating someone in the wedding party who was not at the head table. Instead, I got sat with MUCH older great aunts that I didn't even know. I was so bored and lonely at the wedding. Because of that, I demanded my FI and I sit with our guests or have a sweetheart table, at our wedding. I would hate for wedding party's SOs to feel that uncomfortable on my wedding day. If I am at a wedding where FI is in the head party, and I know no one, and I know they are doing a head table, I just make excuses and don't attend. FI will have fun without me, but I refuse to sit by myself feeling like a third wheel.

Wedding party photos last long enough. To sit at a table with 9 other people you don't know through wedding party entrance, dinner, toasts, first dance, father daughter dance, is really rude on your hosts' part.

antoto · February 2014

If I was a groomsman's date and was seated at the head table but I didn't really know the bride and groom I would feel pretttty strange. But that's just me..

On the other hand I would never seat my guests separately from their SOs.

This is why I'm having a sweetheart table!!

Simply Fated · February 2014

antoto said:

If I was a groomsman's date and was seated at the head table but I didn't really know the bride and groom I would feel pretttty strange. But that's just me..

On the other hand I would never seat my guests separately from their SOs.

This is why I'm having a sweetheart table!!

Would you feel just as strange if the bride and groom sat you separate from your SO at a table where you didn't know everyone, either? I just don't see the difference. Either way, you might not know every single person at your table. At least if you sat with your SO you would be guaranteed to know one person.

mlg78 · February 2014

GlitterWitch22 said:

mobkaz said:

mlg78 said:

Everywhere on the TK forums they say it's rude to seat them separately, but like you, I've never attended a wedding where this was done unless the couple went the sweetheart table route and then the WP was just seated with the rest of the guests. I had a typical head table with just the WP and honestly -- when I mentioned having the SOs sit at the head table the venue manager looked at me like I had 3 heads.

Why would you care about the opinion of the venue manager?

Ok I get this. If you're just starting to plan & you're visiting venues, etc., and an "expert" tells you something is normal or not normal, I can see how it gets taken as correct. Doesn't mean it IS, but if you don't know any better and a person "in charge" (who you're likely looking to for direction) tells you "this is how it is done"- you're probably gonna believe them. Then you come to TK and learn better

Exactly. This woman has worked at this venue for 20+ years so clearly she knows a crapton about weddings. If she thinks I'm off my rocker for suggesting the SOs sit at the head table, then I'm going to reconsider. There are a few things done on the TK forums that I've not heard anywhere else. Some I agree with, some I question. I just didn't feel like this was a fight worth fighting because my mom, for whatever reason, was pitching a fit about SOs being at the head table and since this was her checkbook, I wasn't going to fight.

grumbledore · February 2014

Splitting up couples is unacceptable. It's really inconsiderate and disrespectful.

lyndausvi · February 2014

HT are just a really silly and stupid tradition that I wish would just die. I've never understood their purpose. As a WP members I've always HATED sitting at those tables (with or with SO). You can only talk to the people on the either side of you anyway. If you are on the end then you only get one person.

Don't get me started on giving your nearest and dearest the "honor" of spending the entire pre-wedding away from their SOs while getting ready, then ceremony, the post-wedding pictures. These people just spent HOURS with you is it really that bad allow them the honor to sit with their SO? Which by-the-way EVER OTHER GUEST, including yourself I might add, gets to eat with their SO's, seems silly to exclude your nearest and dearest from the same consideration.

Our WP members sat with people they would have sat with had they not been in the WP.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

For what it's worth, what happens if one of the SO's really doesn't know other people there? My husband and I went to a wedding last year and one of my husband's good friends was in the WP. They had a head table and his girlfriend didn't know other people there. She was so uncomfortable with it, she ended up not going to the wedding.

banana468 · February 2014

How are you honoring your WP by splitting them from their SOs? I had to deal witget"it this at one wedding when DH was a GM and hated it.

I don't "get"it and can't understand why some people think this is acceptable at all.

If you're not sitting away from the groom, why ask the WP to sit away from their SOs?

AddieCake · February 2014

I just could not in good conscience split up couples. Brides and grooms who opt to do this should also opt to be seated apart from each other since they don't think it's a big deal to split couples. They should also split their married parents and grandparents. After all, it's no big deal, right?

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

@mlg78. So your mother's money is more important than treating your most honored guests kindly? Nice. Head tables make zero sense to me. 1) you'd be on display regardless if your WP is there or not. So that argument isn't valid. 2) splitting couples sends the message that you don't give a rats ass about your most honored guests' SOs. 3) you can only talk to the people immediately to your right and left. So why must you have more than your spouse and bm/moh at the head table? This is why SOs need to be included, so your most honored guests have someone to talk with and to be with the person they love.
There are many options. 1) have a sweetheart table 2) have a SH table but add moh+ date and bm+ date 3) sit at a regular table and seat WP members at tables they'd be comfortable with 4) have a kings table with everyone or 5) have a head table and include SOs. You can have more than one "head table" or have the tables go in a square U shape --------- |. |. Like that lol If none of those options work for you then your vision is more important than your WP's feelings and comfort.

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

God damn formatting!

banana468 · February 2014

mlg78 said:

GlitterWitch22 said:

mobkaz said:

mlg78 said:

Everywhere on the TK forums they say it's rude to seat them separately, but like you, I've never attended a wedding where this was done unless the couple went the sweetheart table route and then the WP was just seated with the rest of the guests. I had a typical head table with just the WP and honestly -- when I mentioned having the SOs sit at the head table the venue manager looked at me like I had 3 heads.

Why would you care about the opinion of the venue manager?

Ok I get this. If you're just starting to plan & you're visiting venues, etc., and an "expert" tells you something is normal or not normal, I can see how it gets taken as correct. Doesn't mean it IS, but if you don't know any better and a person "in charge" (who you're likely looking to for direction) tells you "this is how it is done"- you're probably gonna believe them. Then you come to TK and learn better

Exactly. This woman has worked at this venue for 20+ years so clearly she knows a crapton about weddings. If she thinks I'm off my rocker for suggesting the SOs sit at the head table, then I'm going to reconsider. There are a few things done on the TK forums that I've not heard anywhere else. Some I agree with, some I question. I just didn't feel like this was a fight worth fighting because my mom, for whatever reason, was pitching a fit about SOs being at the head table and since this was her checkbook, I wasn't going to fight.

I would decline money from anyone if it came with the stipulation that I had to be rude.

artbyallie · February 2014

grumbledore said:

Splitting up couples is unacceptable. It's really inconsiderate and disrespectful.

You would never do it at any other event. It makes zero sense that a freaking wedding somehow makes it okay. Cause it doesn't.

Head Table

Re: Head Table

Choose Another Board

Search Boards