Vent

Teddy917 · February 2014

Most of you probably have read my other posts and know a bit about my and my husband's stituation. Well, I got a bomb dropped on me yesterday.

My husband has been having issues with feeling and recognizing emotions for years. Even love. I've known that for a while. Never bothered me. He's said in the past that he does love me but just can't recognize the feeling. No problem.

Well, yesterday (today's my birthday so it also sort of rained on my parade) he said that he's not sure if he genuinely loves me in a "wife" way. He says that he loves me but he's not sure if it's the way that he loves everyone (he's a very loving person) or if it's in a "wife" way. He also says that he doesn't know if he married me out of feeling obligated to help me (my parents were going to kick me out and I had nowhere to go) or if it was out of love (we were engaged long before the issue with my parents kicking me out, so he was planning on marrying me regardless but the plans were moved up). He says he is going to try to get in touch with his feelings. If he finds that he doesn't love me in a "wife" way, he says he is going to divorce me he said he wanted me to be loved in the way that I deserve. He promised to help me if that happened with finding a place to live and all of that.

We will be going to marriage counseling as soon as possible. He is going to talk to his therapist about it. So far we haven't told anyone else and we're not planning on it. So, so far we decided that neither of us is going to dwell on it or focus on it if we can avoid it (since we both typically dwell on the worst case scenario).

So this is really just a vent. Feel free to ask questions if you need clarification on anything.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

This statement by him in some ways explains your lack of conjugal relations.

You need individual therapy. He needs individual therapy. You both need couples therapy.

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling (and the anger and the hurt and the sadness).

vt&dt · February 2014

So sorry for what you're needing to go through.

Ditto PP - you both need to talk to someone individually, and see someone together.

It does sound like he is able to figure out his feelings and express them in a calm and collected way, which is a huge asset in going through something like this.

I don't mean to sound preachy - but I've always felt that committed love is not a feeling - it's a choice. I'm sure FI and I will have days (hopefully not for a long time!) where we don't feel like we love each other much. Like anyone, we can have disagreements and unintentionally really hurt or annoy the other. But - we view commitment and love as a choice - so even in the times (may be any length of time) we don't feel like it, we've committed to choosing to love each other despite our feelings.

I wonder if you two view the commitment as different things? May be something to speak with each other/counselors about.

Wishing you the best through this.

Teddy917 · February 2014

We have discussed what the commitment means to both of us and we're on the same page.

Teddy917 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
This statement by him in some ways explains your lack of conjugal relations.

You need individual therapy. He needs individual therapy. You both need couples therapy.

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling (and the anger and the hurt and the sadness).

You can add confusion to the mix too. The night before last he said he wanted to be sealed in the temple with me (we had always wanted that to be our goal, he was just reassuring me that he still wanted it).

Little explanation so you'll see why I'm confused:
In the LDS church, one of the most important things is getting sealed in the temple. Since we believe that we live on after we die, being sealed allows the husband, wife, and any children that may come into the family to remain a family after death. It is also very hard to have a cancellation of sealing (basically a divorce so you could become sealed to another person) and are usually only granted under the most severe circumstances (such as abuse). So, by saying that he wanted to be sealed to me (we got civally married for various reasons, and planned on getting sealed later), he was basically saying that he wanted to be bond to me even more.

Now you see why I'm confused. I haven't asked him about that 180 decision because I was already having a hard time processing everything. I plan on clearing it up tonight.

Cokezerofreak · February 2014

I'm so sorry Teddy. It seems like he's up and down all the time. I don't know how you handle it. Did he ever agree on going to counseling together?

Teddy917 · February 2014

Yeah we'll be going to counseling soon

MuppetOverlord · February 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this =(

AddieCake · February 2014

I'm really sorry, Teddy. Sending you vibes that what is best for you will be what comes out of all of this.

RWS2011 · February 2014

You have received some great advice above, so I will just add to the vibes and hugs.

climbingsingle · February 2014

I'm sorry

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

Big hugs to you. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

JCbride2015 · February 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. Big internet hugs for you. ((((((hug))))))

WildMagelet · February 2014

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're going through this.

natswild · February 2014

hugs, and good luck!

Teddy917 · February 2014

Question for the divorced ladies: Did you remain friends with your ex husband? My husband suggested remaining friends IF we do divorce and it want to. I'm just curious if anyone has done this successfully. Also have you remained friends with his family?

climbingsingle · February 2014

Teddy917 said:

Question for the divorced ladies: Did you remain friends with your ex husband? My husband suggested remaining friends IF we do divorce and it want to. I'm just curious if anyone has done this successfully. Also have you remained friends with his family?

I didn't remain friends with my ex husband. There was a lot of anger on both of our parts. I initiated the divorce and many of his friends and family members were upset with me for that.

ShesSoCold · February 2014

My parents are divorced and are great friends. I think my mom talks to my dad more than I do.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I think it depends on the maturity of the people in the marriage and the causes for the divorce. I have divorced friends who are great with their exes and divorced friends who aaren't on speaking terms with their exes.

emmyg65 · February 2014

We never married, but I dated my ex for three years, we lived together, and we were planning to get married. We cut off contact for several months after our break-up, which was hard but made the transition a lot easier. Then I got back in touch because I was moving out of state and we were friends for several years before finally drifting apart. We're still friendly, but not friends.

It really depends on the couple, the reasons for the divorce, and how the actual divorce pans out.

jenna8984 · February 2014

emmyg65 said:

We never married, but I dated my ex for three years, we lived together, and we were planning to get married. We cut off contact for several months after our break-up, which was hard but made the transition a lot easier. Then I got back in touch because I was moving out of state and we were friends for several years before finally drifting apart. We're still friendly, but not friends.

It really depends on the couple, the reasons for the divorce, and how the actual divorce pans out.

Same here. I wasn't married but lived with my ex for a few years. We are now 3,000 miles apart so it's not like we have to see each other. We text about every 6 months just to say hope you are doing well, how is your family, congrats on whatever mutual friends have said is going on in your life. Not friends, but friendly.

My brother and his ex-wife would have no contact if it weren't for their son. At first it was really hard, they wouldn't even text each other to make arrangements picking him up, they would go through her mother and exchange there. But now that they are both moved on with their new babies and new spouses, they are on much better terms and always tag each other in FB photos of their son.

Depends on the break up and if you want to be friends, you don't have to if you don't want to or it's ok if you want to be friends.

firebabe6519 · February 2014

My aunt and uncle stayed friends after their divorce. (Aunt is remarried now.) Their friendliness was more of a "whenever I'm lonely or horny come over." I think it just depends on how the divorce actually pans out and how well family / friends react.

MuppetOverlord · February 2014

I am not friends with my ex husband. I do not talk to him. I do not want to.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I'm so sorry teddy. (((Hugs)))

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I am in no way, shape, or form friends or friendly with my ex.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you're planning to go to counselling. It sounds like he doesn't really take the "civil" marriage as seriously as he would the religious one, which is causing him to feel like it isn't "done."

I'm not divorced but I did end an engagement in my early 20's. (10+ years ago now.) When we first split, we attempted to remain friends. We remained in contact for about a year, but it was never really a friendship. He was jealous when I started dating again, and I finally realized that he didn't want me back, but he wanted me to want him back. Finally, I cut all contact with him. From there, it got really ugly.

I do think it is possible to have a friendship with an ex, but it's really difficult and rarely a true friendship. Unless there are children involved, I think it's best to make a clean break from a relationship that serious. If you're meant to be friends, it will happen after you've both healed from the break up. You can't help each other through a divorce.

Teddy917 · February 2014

UPDATE:
So I talked a bit more with my husband and I just thought I would share some new information.

1. Probably should've mentioned this from the beginning. My husband is very impulsive (it's part of his disability). When he's not on his medication (he ran out and just barely was able to get the prescription filled), he'll say things that he doesn't mean.

2. I asked him last night what he thought "wife love" (his term for it) was. He couldn't explain it. So I asked him if he loved me different than his brother, aunt, etc. He said yes, but it was more like a good friend. So I pointed out that everyone has a different relationship and that if he was okay with it, I'm fine having a husband that just thinks of me as a good friend. Plus, relationships develop and change just like the people in them, so someday he might love me like a wife. Even if that never happens, this is fine with me.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Teddy917 said:

UPDATE: So I talked a bit more with my husband and I just thought I would share some new information. 1. Probably should've mentioned this from the beginning. My husband is very impulsive (it's part of his disability). When he's not on his medication (he ran out and just barely was able to get the prescription filled), he'll say things that he doesn't mean. 2. I asked him last night what he thought "wife love" (his term for it) was. He couldn't explain it. So I asked him if he loved me different than his brother, aunt, etc. He said yes, but it was more like a good friend. So I pointed out that everyone has a different relationship and that if he was okay with it, I'm fine having a husband that just thinks of me as a good friend. Plus, relationships develop and change just like the people in them, so someday he might love me like a wife. Even if that never happens, this is fine with me.

The bolded part is heartbreaking. Please bring this up with your counselor when you get there.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Teddy917 said:

UPDATE: So I talked a bit more with my husband and I just thought I would share some new information. 1. Probably should've mentioned this from the beginning. My husband is very impulsive (it's part of his disability). When he's not on his medication (he ran out and just barely was able to get the prescription filled), he'll say things that he doesn't mean. 2. I asked him last night what he thought "wife love" (his term for it) was. He couldn't explain it. So I asked him if he loved me different than his brother, aunt, etc. He said yes, but it was more like a good friend. So I pointed out that everyone has a different relationship and that if he was okay with it, I'm fine having a husband that just thinks of me as a good friend. Plus, relationships develop and change just like the people in them, so someday he might love me like a wife. Even if that never happens, this is fine with me.

This breaks my heart. You're in a sexless, loveless marriage, and you're 21. Do you really want another 60+ years of this? Because life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, and you're doing neither of those things right now.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I agree with the PPs. That is heartbreaking to hear. I think you need to talk to your counselor about this.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Teddy917 said:

UPDATE: So I talked a bit more with my husband and I just thought I would share some new information. 1. Probably should've mentioned this from the beginning. My husband is very impulsive (it's part of his disability). When he's not on his medication (he ran out and just barely was able to get the prescription filled), he'll say things that he doesn't mean. 2. I asked him last night what he thought "wife love" (his term for it) was. He couldn't explain it. So I asked him if he loved me different than his brother, aunt, etc. He said yes, but it was more like a good friend. So I pointed out that everyone has a different relationship and that if he was okay with it, I'm fine having a husband that just thinks of me as a good friend. Plus, relationships develop and change just like the people in them, so someday he might love me like a wife. Even if that never happens, this is fine with me.

This makes me so sad for you. You are so young! Your marriage should be full of love and passion, not just a relationship between two good friends.

Please talk to your counselor about this.

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