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The Plus One Dilemma

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Re: The Plus One Dilemma

  • tamela14tamela14 member
    First Comment
    Here is a great solution since you are concerned about the budget:
    1. Invite married couples
    2. Invite couples that are engaged
    3. Do not invite boyfriends or girlfriends. Let them know that it is not in the budget. they will understand.
    4. Enjoy your shortened list!
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    sarahufl said:
    I know this is unpopular, but I kind of feel the same way. If I don't know someone is in a relationship and they aren't on FB or whatever, how DO I find out if they are in a couple?
    My criteria would be, that if they're close enough friends to invite them to the wedding, then they're close enough for me to call or email them and ask about their SO.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    tamela14 said:
    Here is a great solution since you are concerned about the budget:
    1. Invite married couples
    2. Invite couples that are engaged
    3. Do not invite boyfriends or girlfriends. Let them know that it is not in the budget. they will understand.
    4. Enjoy your shortened list!
    You need to lurk more, or perhaps at least read a thread in it's entirety.

    People will understand. . . they will understand that you are acting rude and slighting them.

    I dated FI for over 10 years before becoming engaged- of the weddings we attended or were in during that period, we were in a relationship longer than 99% of these couples even knew their future spouses let alone were in a relationship with them, and it's longer than any of them have been married.

    If any of these people took your advice and refused to invite FI or me because we weren't engaged, it would be a friendship ending move and they would probably get told a little something about themselves.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    tamela14 said:
    Here is a great solution since you are concerned about the budget:
    1. Invite married couples
    2. Invite couples that are engaged
    3. Do not invite boyfriends or girlfriends. Let them know that it is not in the budget. they will understand.
    4. Enjoy your shortened list!
    No.
    image
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    tamela14 said:
    Here is a great solution since you are concerned about the budget:
    1. Invite married couples
    2. Invite couples that are engaged
    3. Do not invite boyfriends or girlfriends. Let them know that it is not in the budget. they will understand.
    4. Enjoy your shortened list!

    NO.

    Do not do this, this is terrible advice. You invite social units together. If your guest list is too long, start cutting, but social units get cut TOGETHER, not in half.


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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @Fran1985 I just saved that gif because Lucille makes the most perfect judgy eyes. That is exactly how guests will look at you if you do this, and they may never say a word.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    phira said:
    ALWAYS INVITE PARTNERS. Full stop. Including boyfriends and girlfriends. Including people who don't live together. Including your friend's boyfriend whom you hate because he picks his nose and laughs at inappropriate times and might wear jeans.

    Re: How do I know if people are in relationships?

    So, my partner has this thing where he can't even ask his family members for their addresses. Like, he had to use Google Maps Street View because he couldn't just fb message, email, or call and ask. I couldn't believe it; he's so close with his family, and he couldn't ask such a simple question? He was the same way with asking about significant others.

    Here's how I've handled the situation for my family and friends, as well as some of my future in-laws:

    I do not have their address: "Hi, Person! I hope you're doing well. Do you mind sending me your mailing address? Thanks!"

    I do not have their address, but I feel like I'm supposed to know it already and am a bad friend/child/grandchild/niece/sibling: "Hi, Person! I can't seem to find your address. Do you mind sending it to me?" or, "Hi, Person! I'm not sure I have the right address for you. Do you mind sending me the correct one?" or, "Hi, Person's friend/relative! Do you mind sending me your address? Also, I don't have Person's address; do you?"

    I am not sure if they are in a relationship: "Hi, Person! Fiance and I are making our guest list. Are you still with So-and-So?" or, "You haven't made any mention of dating anyone; are you seeing someone?" or, "I know you've mentioned that you've been seeing someone; what is their name?" or, "Hi, Person's friend/relative! Is Person still dating So-and-So?"

    My personal favorite: I had to ask my brother what his girlfriend's last name was, and I had to ask my new aunt (married my uncle 3 years ago) if her son has her last name or not.

    The key thing is that your embarrassment is not a good enough reason NOT to get the information you need. ALWAYS ASK. I've asked for last names, I've asked how to spell things and pronounce things, I've asked for title preferences. You just ASK.
    My problem with the bolded is this: I was single for a really long time. I was perfectly fine with it and was living a wonderful life. No complaints. I, however, HATED when people would call me and ask if I was bringing someone to their wedding. Because I never liked the pitying tone that it usually came with.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @sarahufl That's a great point. I think that it's definitely a sensitive thing to ask and it needs to be worded carefully (tailored to fit you and the person you're asking), and it should be a fact-finding question, and not pitying. Alternatively, as a mutual friend for info. (Do you have suggestions for how you would want people to ask you if they weren't sure?)
    Anniversary
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    phira said:
    @sarahufl That's a great point. I think that it's definitely a sensitive thing to ask and it needs to be worded carefully (tailored to fit you and the person you're asking), and it should be a fact-finding question, and not pitying. Alternatively, as a mutual friend for info. (Do you have suggestions for how you would want people to ask you if they weren't sure?)
    I think I just always took it personally that someone I knew well enough to be invited to their wedding would have to call me to ask if I was dating someone or not. Just playing devil's advocate, here- it isn't always an easy thing to do.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    sarahufl said:
    phira said:
    @sarahufl That's a great point. I think that it's definitely a sensitive thing to ask and it needs to be worded carefully (tailored to fit you and the person you're asking), and it should be a fact-finding question, and not pitying. Alternatively, as a mutual friend for info. (Do you have suggestions for how you would want people to ask you if they weren't sure?)
    I think I just always took it personally that someone I knew well enough to be invited to their wedding would have to call me to ask if I was dating someone or not. Just playing devil's advocate, here- it isn't always an easy thing to do.
    It is an easy thing to do though- it's just a phone call or an email, I don't know why it seems so outlandish or complicated, lol.

    I see what you are saying, but maybe you just took something personally when there was no reason to do so, nothing to read into?  As long as the person asking is just asking in a friendly manner and leaves it at that, they probably aren't pitying you. 

    However I know there are some people that think being single means you have three heads and they make you feel like a pariah destined to be alone forever, ugh.  If everyone was calling you with that tone, well that is just not right!



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    sarahufl said:
    phira said:
    @sarahufl That's a great point. I think that it's definitely a sensitive thing to ask and it needs to be worded carefully (tailored to fit you and the person you're asking), and it should be a fact-finding question, and not pitying. Alternatively, as a mutual friend for info. (Do you have suggestions for how you would want people to ask you if they weren't sure?)
    I think I just always took it personally that someone I knew well enough to be invited to their wedding would have to call me to ask if I was dating someone or not. Just playing devil's advocate, here- it isn't always an easy thing to do.
    I don't understand how it's hard to send an email saying, "Hi! Hope you're well. We're getting ready to send invites out, and I just wanted to check in to see if you're dating someone in particular. I want to make sure I get their name on the invitation if so. Thanks! Love, PDKH!"
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    sarahufl said:
    phira said:
    @sarahufl That's a great point. I think that it's definitely a sensitive thing to ask and it needs to be worded carefully (tailored to fit you and the person you're asking), and it should be a fact-finding question, and not pitying. Alternatively, as a mutual friend for info. (Do you have suggestions for how you would want people to ask you if they weren't sure?)
    I think I just always took it personally that someone I knew well enough to be invited to their wedding would have to call me to ask if I was dating someone or not. Just playing devil's advocate, here- it isn't always an easy thing to do.
    Been there many times.  The "awwwww, well let us know if anything changes" can be really disheartening.  However I always think someone who asks is erring on the side of caution rather than send an "and Guest" invite and risk you being insulted if something did in fact change.

    Case in point - years back when I was truly single (and OK with it) I was a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding.  She was a coworker of mine, we worked together 50+ hours a week and our desks were literally 5 feet apart.  She still asked me if I would like to add a guest by name and wanted to be sure because relationships change quickly.  I didn't take that personally at all.

    Lo and behold - from the time the invites went out to the wedding I met my husband, started dating, and quickly became exclusive.  The next wedding invite I received had both our names on it.  :)
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  • meg65meg65 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    I had a cousin who I didn't even pause to think might be dating someone (her husband had died recently) and sent the invite only to her. She wrote a note back on her RSVP- "My boyfriend and I would love to come but we have to work!" (or something). 

    I still feel really bad about it and it was almost two years ago. This isn't even a cousin I see more than once every few years for a couple hours on Christmas, we're not close. But that note made me feel like I made her feel bad, which made me feel bad.


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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    meg65 said:
    I had a cousin who I didn't even pause to think might be dating someone (her husband had died recently) and sent the invite only to her. She wrote a note back on her RSVP- "My boyfriend and I would love to come but we have to work!" (or something). 

    I still feel really bad about it and it was almost two years ago. This isn't even a cousin I see more than once every few years for a couple hours on Christmas, we're not close. But that note made me feel like I made her feel bad, which made me feel bad.


    I don't think you should feel too bad. It would be more awkward in my opinion to ask a recent widow if she had a boyfriend.  You don't have to be perfect, but should make a good faith effort.
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  • yogablossomyogablossom member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    The only technical thing that sucks with inviting all significant others who have only been in relationships for a short while, (and this is the technical etiquette), if you put both names on the invitation, IE "Jane Smith" and "Mr. John Jones", if they break up before you wedding, technically  "John Jones" is still invited and can come to the wedding and Jane technically can't invite someone else. "John Jones" probably wouldn't still go, but the invite is technically still for him and "Jane".
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    lindseyfera said:
    The only technical thing that sucks with inviting all significant others who have only been in relationships for a short while, (and this is the technical etiquette), if you put both names on the invitation, IE "Jane Smith" and "Mr. John Jones", if they break up before you wedding, technically  "John Jones" is still invited and can come to the wedding and Jane technically can't invite someone else. "John Jones" probably wouldn't still go, but the invite is technically still for him and "Jane".
    If this were to happen, and Jane lets me know that her and John have split, I'd tell Jane "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope everything's as ok as it can be. If you're still planning to come to the wedding, feel free to bring someone with you if you'd like." If I'd already budgeted for her to come with someone, I'd extend that courtesy to her if she wants to take it.
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  • yogablossomyogablossom member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    JellyBean52413--oh absolutely! I'd do the same!
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @lindseyfera I like to remind myself that my parents were married for 22 years before they split, my mom's last relationship lasted 7 years and then abruptly ended, my brother who had been married for almost 2 years (and with his wife for 5 years before that) is getting divorced, my friend who had been dating her boyfriend for a year and a half and seemed totally content dumped him out of the blue, etc etc. So there's no guarantee that when you send the wedding invitations, if a couple DOES split, it'll be one of the shorter relationships.
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  • yogablossomyogablossom member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @phira, you are absolutely right on that. One of my best friends got married Aug 2012 and her parents were going through a divorce at the time of her wedding. I suppose you never know what can happen to your guests and their relationships and we should probably just take it all in stride and play it by ear as much as we can so they can be comfortable attending our weddings.
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  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    JellyBean52513 said:
    lindseyfera said:
    The only technical thing that sucks with inviting all significant others who have only been in relationships for a short while, (and this is the technical etiquette), if you put both names on the invitation, IE "Jane Smith" and "Mr. John Jones", if they break up before you wedding, technically  "John Jones" is still invited and can come to the wedding and Jane technically can't invite someone else. "John Jones" probably wouldn't still go, but the invite is technically still for him and "Jane".
    If this were to happen, and Jane lets me know that her and John have split, I'd tell Jane "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope everything's as ok as it can be. If you're still planning to come to the wedding, feel free to bring someone with you if you'd like." If I'd already budgeted for her to come with someone, I'd extend that courtesy to her if she wants to take it.
    Yes, seriously! I got into an argument with my cousin about this last summer. They did everyone's boyfriends and girlfriends as "and guest." You only got invited by name if you were married or engaged. Her thinking was the same as the above "well look at cousin Y - he just broke up with his girlfriend. If I put her name on it, he wouldn't be able to invite anyone else." Well 1) you live across the country, so he's probably not going to buy a plane ticket for a new rando date anyway and 2)  he could very easily ASK to bring someone else. My sister ended up breaking up with her bf of 5 years before the wedding and I almost wished she had RSVPed with some stranger, just because her invite said "and guest" and they probably expected her to come single.
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  • klawrence1klawrence1 member
    First Comment
    I'm getting married this Saturday- :)!- and did not give plus ones to all my single friends but included boyfriends and girlfriends and a plus one if I knew they wouldn't know anyone else and would appreciate it. To me it was all about knowing your guests and who all will be at your wedding. With that being said, last night, (6 days before my wedding) a friend of mine whom I'm not extremely close to asked if she could bring her boyfriend who she has only been dating for less than 2 weeks. If she had put him down on her RSVP, it would have been fine but with the seating chart already submitted I told her they could sit at a table with people they didn't know together or she could sit with the rest of her friends in the seat I already have her assigned to without him. I was as nice as possible but I'm sure she will understand when her wedding comes that there was no way I could accomodate him with such short notice. Try to be as courteous as possible but at the end of the day it's your wedding and your guest list!
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited April 2014
    klawrence1 said:
    I'm getting married this Saturday- :)!- and did not give plus ones to all my single friends but included boyfriends and girlfriends and a plus one if I knew they wouldn't know anyone else and would appreciate it. To me it was all about knowing your guests and who all will be at your wedding. With that being said, last night, (6 days before my wedding) a friend of mine whom I'm not extremely close to asked if she could bring her boyfriend who she has only been dating for less than 2 weeks. If she had put him down on her RSVP, it would have been fine but with the seating chart already submitted I told her they could sit at a table with people they didn't know together or she could sit with the rest of her friends in the seat I already have her assigned to without him. I was as nice as possible but I'm sure she will understand when her wedding comes that there was no way I could accomodate him with such short notice. Try to be as courteous as possible but at the end of the day it's your wedding and your guest list!
    You had it all right up until that last line. Your wedding is no longer "YOUR day" when you start including other people. It doesn't matter if it's a wedding, a birthday, or any other reason; if you hold an event that you invite people to, you have to treat them properly. You clearly already know this, as you tried your best to accommodate her BF, which is was a great host would do. Honestly, you would've been well within etiquette not to accommodate him since they weren't together as a social unit until after invites had already gone out. You're a good friend for trying to squeeze him in, so props to you. We just try to avoid using the "it's YOUR day" line around here, it tends to foster bad ideas lol

    ETA emphasis on the line in question
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    emilya918 said:
    For our wedding we are using the same etiquette as others' weddings that we've been to.  If the guest has a significant other that you are sure of (you and your fiance know them and they will more than likely still be together during your wedding) they are allowed to bring them as their plus one.  For guests who have no significant other and are OVER the age of 18, they are allowed a plus one as well.  As for guests UNDER the age of 18, no plus ones.  Its fair, simple, and reasonable.  As for addressing the invites, if the guest falls into the "plus one" category then on the inner envelope write "JOHN DOE and GUEST" or if you know the plus one's name "JOHN DOE and JANE SMITH".  For the guests not permitted a plus one then GUEST will not be addressed on the inner envelope.  I never understood the reasoning behind inner envelopes until this was explained to me.  You only have to hope that your guests understand this.  Its a pretty known rule that if "and guest" isn't written on the invite well then, no date for you!  We have been to many weddings like this and everyone we talked to was understanding of this rule.  Hope this helps!
    No. Not for you to judge whether you think they'll still be together, and it doesn't matter if you've met them or not. 
    No. They are not invited as a "plus one," they are invited specifically by name on the envelope because they are part of a social unit which should not be split. These committed relationships are considered "living as if engaged" and should be thought of the same as truly engaged people.
    Not necessarily. You don't have to extend "and guest" to truly single people. (i.e. people who, if you asked "are you seeing anyone?" would say "no," "not really," or "nobody in particular.")
    No. Well, maybe as a "what not to do."
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  • Katydid1953Katydid1953 member
    First Comment
    I knew my friend Susan had a date with someone prior to the invites going out.  She sent tiback with "2" will be attending. Really?  The invite stated "Susan". I was furious.  She should have called me and told me that she has had more than one "date" and are now a couple. One SIL sent an RSVP, then retracted it, then told us she was coming and now has backed out 2 weeks prior.  On top of that my fiance just had to bury his father 3 weeks before the wedding.  His son (32), decided to disown his dad and do the dramatic :I am NOT coming to your wedding."  How much you want to be he shows up?  I am just blown away by the lack of consideration of all these people. All I would ask isa phone call.  Let me know. Plan YOUR time and stick to the plan.  I had personalized wine glasses made for ecah person. Now some are being wasted and some poepl will not have one.  GRRRRR!
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