Confused

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

So I had a very interesting conversation with my fiance and it has caused me concern. We have had conversations like this in the past but I thought I would be fine and get past it. I'm going to also talk to my counselor but I figured I would ask the ladies who are experienced in relationships.

I have never really dreamed about a big wedding or kids. Just not me. I have dreamed about becoming an astronaut, being a professor, teaching science, working with chemicals or having my own huge library (Belle - eat your heart out). I want to emphasize not dreaming about having babies. I am only mother when it comes to my dog. I love taking care of people but I will be honest with you and if need be cold-hearted. I won't pamper you and I expect help. I guess I would make a very difficult mother. I'm awkward about hugs and saying I love you except to my fiance. I can't even really say it to my family members and when we do it's the most awkward thing you have ever seen.

Anyway, a while ago we talked about kids and how I wanted to wait. I became a Chemical Engineer - not easy and I really did not want to just give up my career to have kids. I want to travel and go places before having children. Let's be honest - it will be more difficult to travel to foreign countries with kids, costs a lot money etc. I did not get to travel much as a kid because my dad was in the military and didn't make much money. In college, I was working and focused on school and because of my major I was informed it would be very difficult to take classes at a school out of country (should have done a business minor). So now is the time to travel. Right now we can't travel because we're saving up for a house and the wedding. But after that his plan is kids.

The last time we talked I proposed the age 28 (don't know why - thought it was better than 25 and he didn't want to wait until we were 30 because he thinks we're going to die before the kids have their own kids).

He said if I want to wait longer this is a deal breaker for him. Okay, I understand that. Children is a huge decision and not something you take lightly and obviously you want to be with someone who is on the same plan as you. But I feel that for me, children are not my main goal. They never have been I don't not want kids but I want to wait until I feel ready. If I feel ready at 25 awesome, all the better. But what if that is not the case? Right now, I can't see myself having kids until maybe 30-35. I have a life to live, a career to build and I want to travel and explore the world.

I really don't know what I'm asking for. I don't know if this is a vent out of frustration because I am engaged to someone and we differ on something so huge or if I am so confused and scared by what the future holds.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

Everything you just wrote on here you need to tell your FI. Having a kid at 30 is not late in life. And most likely (god willing) you and your FI will be around to meet your grand children.

I am like you and never really dreamed about having kids. I still don't. H only wanted kids at one point because he thought that is just what you are supposed to do. We both like being lazy and getting up and going when we want. We have a dog that we love to pieces but getting her really showed us the amount of time we would be giving up if we had a kid. And H only wants a kid if I can push one out that is already 3 years old. Pretty sure that is impossible.

I think it is wrong to put an age limit on when to start a family. You have to start one when you both feel ready. I am 29 years old and I seriously could not imagine having a child right now.

But like I said, everything you wrote you need to tell your FI. If you both aren't on the same page then it is going to be a rough road ahead for the both of you. You certainly don't want to have a kid now and then resent your FI because he pressured you into it. And on the flip side it wouldn't be fair to make him wait if what he really wants is to start a family sooner rather then later because then he will most likely resent you for putting his family dreams on hold.

I think this is a great thing to talk about with a marriage counselor.

LadyMillil · February 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

I became a Chemical Engineer - not easy and I really did not want to just give up my career to have kids.

Stuck in the box
I agree with Maggie, you should definitely talk to your FI and also a marriage counselor. I am also in a field where I have devoted a lot of time, effort and money to reaching my dreams. I want to have children and I am willing to sacrifice some of my dreams for my future kids. However, in no way will I be giving up my career. It isn't necessary to stop working in your field to have kids, and I know many successful women in my field that have families and did not give up their careers to do so. It took a lot of planning, and some sacrifices, but they made it work because that is what they wanted. Right now it sounds like you believe you have to give up your career, and that is likely to lead to you resenting both your FI and your kids, and that is not a recipe for a happy life. Talk to your FI about how you are feeling, talk about what it would be like for you as a couple when you have a child and what your expectations are. I would also highly suggest trying to find some women that are chemical engineers to talk to. They might be able to give you a real life perspective on what it is like to be an engineer and have a family.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

So I had a very interesting conversation with my fiance and it has caused me concern. We have had conversations like this in the past but I thought I would be fine and get past it. I'm going to also talk to my counselor but I figured I would ask the ladies who are experienced in relationships.

I have never really dreamed about a big wedding or kids. Just not me. I have dreamed about becoming an astronaut, being a professor, teaching science, working with chemicals or having my own huge library (Belle - eat your heart out). I want to emphasize not dreaming about having babies. I am only mother when it comes to my dog. I love taking care of people but I will be honest with you and if need be cold-hearted. I won't pamper you and I expect help. I guess I would make a very difficult mother. I'm awkward about hugs and saying I love you except to my fiance. I can't even really say it to my family members and when we do it's the most awkward thing you have ever seen.

Anyway, a while ago we talked about kids and how I wanted to wait. I became a Chemical Engineer - not easy and I really did not want to just give up my career to have kids. I want to travel and go places before having children. Let's be honest - it will be more difficult to travel to foreign countries with kids, costs a lot money etc. I did not get to travel much as a kid because my dad was in the military and didn't make much money. In college, I was working and focused on school and because of my major I was informed it would be very difficult to take classes at a school out of country (should have done a business minor). So now is the time to travel. Right now we can't travel because we're saving up for a house and the wedding. But after that his plan is kids. The last time we talked I proposed the age 28 (don't know why - thought it was better than 25 and he didn't want to wait until we were 30 because he thinks we're going to die before the kids have their own kids).

He said if I want to wait longer this is a deal breaker for him. Okay, I understand that. Children is a huge decision and not something you take lightly and obviously you want to be with someone who is on the same plan as you. But I feel that for me, children are not my main goal. They never have been I don't not want kids but I want to wait until I feel ready. If I feel ready at 25 awesome, all the better. But what if that is not the case? Right now, I can't see myself having kids until maybe 30-35. I have a life to live, a career to build and I want to travel and explore the world.

I really don't know what I'm asking for. I don't know if this is a vent out of frustration because I am engaged to someone and we differ on something so huge or if I am so confused and scared by what the future holds.

I think perhaps you guys may need to postpone your wedding, go to a marriage/couple's counselor, and try to get on the same page if you can. Because right now, you guys are definitely not on the same page.

I'll be honest with you that to me, it sounds as if you have no interest or desire to have kids. That's fine- I don't either, and neither does my FI. But we talked about kids a looooong time ago and had we been on different pages, we would not have been together for as long as we have nor would we have gotten enraged.

There is no way to compromise when one partner wants children and the other does not. I knew a couple who was one again off again, engaged and broke it off twice over the course of 20 years because he wanted kids and she did not. They were absolutely in love with each other and 100% on the same page with the rest of life, but they finally went their separate ways.

I have also gone to school with children who lived in a household where one parent didn't want anything to do with them- it wasn't good for the kids growing up or their parent's relationship.

Maybe I am misreading the info you are presenting and you really do want to have kids. . . some day. If your some day and your FI's some day don't match up, that is still going to cause a lot of problems in your relationship. I don't think it is fair for one person to force their timeframe on the other, I think you both have to agree to a single timeframe, or at least agree to postpone and revisit the topic again later. But you mention your FI says postponing is a deal breaker for him.

Again, you guys need to go to a couselor and talk about this a bit. Your FI's insistence on having kids prior to 30 because he is afraid you will both die before you see your grand kids sounds irrational to me, and something he may need to work through. Unless multiple parents or Aunts and Uncles on both your side and his side have died before the age of 50 or 60, this is probably an irrational fear.

A person could die at any moment in a tragic accident, because of a murder, etc. Those are not reasons to rush into having kids when your partner is not ready.

NavyBlue143 · February 2014

It's not fair for him to demand you be ready for kids by 28, and it's not fair to him to pretend you will be. If kids are non negotiable to him, and you have no maternal instinct or desire to be a mother, that's not something you can compromise on. I know this is a hard thing, but I don't think you should marry with this issue unresolved.

A good college friend of mine married a few years ago. He was pursuing his Master's at the time. Once he was done, she wanted kids, he wanted his Ph. D. She knew the whole time that he wanted his Doctorate and to be established in his field before they started a family, she hoped he would change his mind, pretended to be ok with that and married him anyway. They're divorcing now, after less than 4 years of marriage, because what they wanted for their futures didn't match. They loved each other, but were miserable. If your visions for the future don't add up, love won't keep you together. And it's not fair for either of you to pretend otherwise.

climbingsingle · February 2014

I have to be honest with you. To me, it sounds like you don't even want kids. And that's OK - I don't want kids either. FI and I have talked about this at length and we are both on the same page. There will be no babies for us.

I think you need some counseling to figure this out. And you should have it figured out before you get married. It's not fair for him to rush you into it. And it's not fair for you to keep putting him off, especially if you're not totally on board with having kids.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

It also sounds to me like you don't want kids -- and that's OK. They're not for everyone.

But if you don't, and you never will, and you'll feel resentful for having them and having to give up your career/travel plans, then you and your FI need to sit down and have an honest-to-Jesus conversation about where you both see yourselves.

If you don't see yourself ever wanting kids, and he doesn't see himself ever giving up the idea of kids, those are deal-breaker issues. There's no compromising on this issue -- not even 'putting off' having kids until another age.

FWIW, I'm 32, as is DH, and we still plan to wait another year or two before we have kids.

Ven&Radio · February 2014

@chemfanatic25 -- reading your post, you and I sound very like-minded. I have never really wanted children. I value having time/money to do the things I enjoy and kids would make it more difficult to do that. H knew before proposing (and it was one of the first topics we discussed after he proposed) how I feel about having children. I was very straight up with him that if he couldn't live without having children, that I needed to give the ring back and move on. There are many things it's ok (and even good) to have different feelings about than your S/O, but children is one of the few topics you really need to be on the same page. You need to have a heart to heart with your FI about this. It isn't fair to either of you to embark on a long term relationship if your long term goals are not aligned.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

I'm going to see our counselor tomorrow (we sometimes have individual appointments.) We have been visiting her for a little while now because we thought it was a good idea to have couples counseling before marriage.

I do want children but when I'm ready. I don't want a set timeline for something like that. It freaks me out and I don't see myself being a good mother if I'm upset that I didn't get to do everything I would have liked to do because a timeline is forced on me.

I am going to sit down and have another chat with him. I'm scared as to where it will go. We have been together for a while and talked about this before but now it's really serious, we're getting married - even though it's in more than a year but still that is a huge commitment that I am not going to take lightly.

emmyg65 · February 2014

It's really good that you're having these conversations now, instead of after you're already married. A good counselor can help you work through these things.

Hopefully you'll be able to work stuff out, but please do remember that kids and agreement on whether/when to have them is a really big issue. If you can't come to an agreement—an honest agreement, not "I'll say this is okay, but secretly I hope he changes his mind"—then you're not right for each other.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

The first thing I thought when I read your post is 'she doesn't want kids at all and she hasn't been able to admit that to herself yet'. I'm right with all these other ladies - if no kids are a dealbreaker to him, then you two are not in the same boat, and you both have a lot of thinking to do.

I was in a relationship in college with a guy who wanted kids. I'm pretty sure I had myself convinced that it would be ok to have a couple, and that I could handle it. When we broke up (over something unrelated) one of my first feelings was complete and total relief that I didn't have to have kids anymore - and when I thought that sentence I totally shocked myself. That's how I knew for certain that kids weren't for me. My ex had a son that I grew to adore, and I'd have been a good stepmom to him. But even with him around I knew I didn't want to give birth and raise my own. I knew I'd made the right decision for me.

I think you're on the right track with the counseling. Just don't back down from what you know is right for you.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I think you guys should talk to a counselor. It isn't fair of him to make demands on you like that. I can see both sides but really this is something you need to be on the same page about. You don't know when you're going to be ready for kids. That isn't really something you can predict. I thought I would want to wait until I was 30-ish but then a few year ago I found out I have an extremely low chance of conceiving naturally, so my FI and I feel it is important to get the adoption process started sooner rather than waiting. Your thoughts on kids might change but then again they might not. Your FI needs to respect that,

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

I don't know. When I think of having kids it kind of freaks me out. I'm the oldest, so no little nieces or nephews. All of my friends are my age and haven't had kids yet. I wasn't a big fan of my neighbors kids because they were terrors and I don't have find memories if children when I was a child and attended church. I was yelled at when I stood to close to a baby once and I guess that kind of traumatized me.

I don't know why I want kids. I absolutely adore my dog and spoil the crap out of her every chance. Everyone believes that because I love and spoil her so much I'll make a great mother. I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm just so confused. I love my fiancé to pieces and I don't want to loose him but I don't want to have him stay and later on realize he isn't okay with waiting until I'm ready or never ready and then take off. That would kill me.

I'm going to talk to our counselor tomorrow since we have individual counseling with her and maybe she can shed some light. I guess I'm a coward because I am afraid that if I'm completely honest with him and not make any deals (ie us waiting till we're 28) that it will break his heart and in turn break mine.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

I'm just really afraid of the outcome. I really am.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Sorry for the multiple posts. I have pictured myself holding a baby and cooing at it and just loving it and having this alone time but it's something I have not dreamed about since I was a child. This is why I do believe I do want kids but I just want to feel ready and not forced.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

I'm just really afraid of the outcome. I really am.

(((((HUG)))))

I can't even imagine how scary this is for you, I really can't. It's a hard decision, and there's no 'wrong' answer -- it's OK not to want kids and it's OK not to want to put a timeline on kids and it's OK to be unsure about kids.

The only requirement is that you have to be honest with yourself and your FI. I'm glad you're seeing your counsellor tomorrow; I hope she can help you sort it out.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Thanks HisGirl, I really need it right now.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

I don't have any advice for you other than to be honest with yourself, your therapist, and your FI. Other than that, all I have are a boatload of hugs.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

*HUGS*
I am in the same boat as you with not wanting kids right now. I am 26 and getting married next year. I would like to have my first before I am 30 but I want to have time as a married couple first. Luckily my FI is in no rush to be a dad either.

This is one of those things that can make or break a relationship. Have another conversation with your FI. If he will not budge on the time frame you will have to decide which is more important to you being able to travel or being with your FI. It is a hard decision and I hope you are able to figure out a compromise. What happens if you are trying and it takes longer to get pregnant than expected? How would he handle his time frame being messed up in a situation like that?

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Thank you ladies. You all have been really helpful. Readings these posts is helping me piece together whether or not I even want children. At this point I really don't know though. I like to think I have tons of time to do everything, travel, buy that house I've always wanted, spend tons of time with friends and have my own alone time, and have kids.

I am starting to wonder if I feel like I want kids because society has dictated that women are first and foremost mothers and that makes me nervous. How do I know what is truly my decision or the influence of society (and his family - his father asked when we'd be having kids and said he wanted four grandchildren. I was completely offended by this and it bothered me a lot.) If it's the influence of society I know I will later resent my fiancé and I know (without a doubt) our relationship will not last.

@SammiNJonni, honestly I don't know how he would react. If based on current situations that are not as stressful, he gets quiet and depressed. Then we have long talks at night that leave me emotionally and physically drained. There have been times that I have had to reassure him our relationship will last even though "such and such situation" happened. On the other side he gets frustrated and snappy and that isn't fun either. BUT sometimes when he is down it's like he'll make a decision to stop being depressed and be happy and encouraging (to pull him out of his funk.) So I guess I kind of have a feeling of how he would react if we had trouble conceiving but not clearly.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

@Chem- you have gotten some great advice, as you already know I just wanted to add that when I read your post, it was like reading something I wrote myself. I'm an engineer, focused on my career, my kitties, and traveling the world. The only difference is that I never wanted kids and I've never even given it a second thought. However, I wanted to say that even though this is a difficult situation, it's good that your FI is bringing it up now. I was always adamant about not having kids and my ex H knew that going into our marriage. About 1.5 years in, he started to waffle. I could just see it in his eyes, even though he kept insisting that he stood by our decision. It was a total dealbreaker for me and he knew it. While we got divorced for a multitude of reasons, the issue of having kids was one of them.

It totally sucks to even have to think or talk about this. I know- I've been there. However, it's def good to get it out NOW, no matter how difficult the conversation may be for both of you.

climbingsingle · February 2014

In my 20s, I always assumed I would have kids. Because it's just what you do, right? I never felt particularly motherly. I never felt that urge. But again, I just figured that eventually I would have kids. The guy I was with before FI came from a very large family and was very into having kids. I was with him for 5 years. Honestly, I never really warmed up to the idea. Like you, my career and traveling was always way higher up on my list.

After I broke up with that guy, I did a lot of soul searching. And I realized that I didn't actually want kids. We're taught that you're supposed to want to have children. And there's a stigma attached to women/couples that don't have kids. So it was almost scary to admit that to myself. But it was also one of the most freeing things I've ever done.

APDSS22 · February 2014

I just want to chip in with my personal experience for you Chem. My mom had me right before her 30th birthday. I'm the oldest of 3 and my mom's an electrical engineer. My parents travelled around a lot before kids and they also took my cousins on trips so they got a little practice parenting. They wanted kids but my mom wanted to be career driven so they waited.

Originally, the plan was for mom to be the primary care giver but the timing was never right. So my parents decided that they could start having kids but my dad would take a step back and be our primary care giver. He was actually a stay at home dad for awhile and we spent a lot of time together while mom got her career. I never felt short changed with my parents at all.

I also got to know all 4 of my grandparents and have 3/4 still living when I'm of an age to be thinking about kids myself. H and I know for sure that's not what we want right now. We are both pretty sure we don't want kids in the future but if one of us changes our mind, we'll talk about it.

So basically, although you would have to carry the baby unless you adopt, there could be some wiggle room. Waiting is ok too. As well as choosing to not have children. It's good you guys are trying to get on the same page. I just wanted to give you a similar situation that worked out with kids. If you're not particularly maternal, maybe him being fairly paternal would help if you can see yourself having kids in the future.

Maybe instead of an age deadline, you could have some specific goals and start saving the money to travel and such now. The age deadline puts a lot of pressure on you. Maybe thinking about where exactly you'd like to be in your career and what countries you need to see prior to kids would be easier. They are a huge financial decision, among other things. Good luck with the counsellor!

Maggie0829 · February 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

I don't know. When I think of having kids it kind of freaks me out. I'm the oldest, so no little nieces or nephews. All of my friends are my age and haven't had kids yet. I wasn't a big fan of my neighbors kids because they were terrors and I don't have find memories if children when I was a child and attended church. I was yelled at when I stood to close to a baby once and I guess that kind of traumatized me. I don't know why I want kids. I absolutely adore my dog and spoil the crap out of her every chance. Everyone believes that because I love and spoil her so much I'll make a great mother. I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm just so confused. I love my fiancé to pieces and I don't want to loose him but I don't want to have him stay and later on realize he isn't okay with waiting until I'm ready or never ready and then take off. That would kill me. I'm going to talk to our counselor tomorrow since we have individual counseling with her and maybe she can shed some light. I guess I'm a coward because I am afraid that if I'm completely honest with him and not make any deals (ie us waiting till we're 28) that it will break his heart and in turn break mine.

To the bolded. I was talking to my Mom one day about kids and how I don't really think I want any. I told her that I absolutely cannot stand children and even though I love my niece she just drives me bonkers when I am around her. H's sister just had a baby and everyone was like "oh don't you want to hold her?" Um, no I don't. My Mom just smiled and laughed. She said that she felt and still feels the same way about kids. She said that she loves my sister and I and of course her granddaughter, but other kids, she has always hated them. She said it is different when it is your child and that just because you can't stand other children doesn't mean that you won't absolutely love and adore your own. She said that she doesn't care if I have kids or not but she did say that if I did have a kid that I wouldn't regret it.

Now I am not saying that this is a reason to have kids. But just something to think about. I know that if I have a child that I would love them 150%. But it is hard to get into that "I want kids" mind frame when being around other people's kids annoys the fuck out of me.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

Sending you hugs. I'm sorry that this is all so scary and daunting right now, but you are doing the right thing. You and your FI def need to get on the right page, and seeing a counselor about this is a good start.

I feel like I am like you. In fact, when I was about to turn 25 I had a "quarter life crisis" (I know, I know - dramatic. I can be a tad dramatic at times). So, I made a list of things to accomplish by the time I reached 30, and at the time having kids was on that list. Not because I wanted them, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Well, I am now 29, I will be 30 this year, and I have no desire to have kids. I actually can't stand the little ankle biters. I think that one day I will have kids, but I still have so more to accomplish. I want to complete my MBA, establish myself in my career, and yes, travel, I adore traveling.

It's okay to not have kids, or to wait. I'll admit that I am too selfish right now, to be willing to sacrifice my life for children. The decision to have kids, wait, or not have them at all is a big one, and it is a good thing that you are both having this conversation now, rather than later.

MrsMack10612 · February 2014

I haven't read all the responses yet, but it's amazing how you can change over time.

The guy I was with before H (17ish years ago), I was 23-26. I thought we were going get married and we seriously discussed having 6 kids. We broke up, I spent the next few years alone, getting to know me again and what I wanted out of life. I met H and we had a great life (still do) and kids didn't really fit into the picture. As I got older (40 now), I discovered pretty quickly, that I really didn't want kids.

I get the impression that you are on the younger side - you can do a complete 180 about kids, but don't let yourself be forced into a timeline that you're not comfortable with.

The outcome may be very scary, but better to find out now before you resent FI, any kids, yourself.

ETA: Years/age math didn't work.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

My mom has always been very vocal about the fact that she never wanted to have kids. 4 full grown children later, she still regrets it. She's always said she felt she HAD to have kids for her husbands and her life was ruined. She is an angry, bitter woman who blames all the shortfalls and problems in her life on her children instead of on the poor choices she herself made. The idea of "you'll feel differently when they're YOUR children" and "you'll automatically love them because they're YOURS" isn't fair. You should have children because you want to have children, not to fulfill some societal or familial expectation.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

My mom has always been very vocal about the fact that she never wanted to have kids. 4 full grown children later, she still regrets it. She's always said she felt she HAD to have kids for her husbands and her life was ruined. She is an angry, bitter woman who blames all the shortfalls and problems in her life on her children instead of on the poor choices she herself made. The idea of "you'll feel differently when they're YOUR children" and "you'll automatically love them because they're YOURS" isn't fair. You should have children because you want to have children, not to fulfill some societal or familial expectation.

When I wrote that in my post that is because my Mom did want kids she just hated others kids. She was giving me her perspective since I have said that I don't want kids because all kids annoy me but then I have little jolts of wanting them every now and then or at least thinking about how it would be to have one. So she was just trying to show me that it is okay to not like kids and still want your own because if you want them you will love them when you have them.

But in the case of your Mom, she didn't want to have them from the get go so her regretting her choice and blaming her children for everything is, I guess, her perspective on the whole children debate. And I am sorry that you have such an unhappy Mother.

ei34 · February 2014

Sending hugs your way Chem. It's so great that you and your FI are able to talk about these things now, before you're married. What you said in your OP are great things to share with your FI and the marriage counselor. More important than anything is being honest with yourself and really owning your feelings. Everything you said was so valid and it's great that you're not holding it inside. Career and travel are so important, I think it is great to prioritize them, or whatever means most to you.

(FWIW, I'm currently pregnant with my first baby, I'm due on my 30th birthday, and I consider myself young. If/when you ever decide that a baby is something you want, other than biological concerns age shouldn't be the deciding factor ie "by the time I'm __ years old". It has to feel right

thisismynickname2 · February 2014

Everyone else has said what I would say, but allow me to share some anecdotes.

I have one friend who was married at 23 to a slightly older guy who wanted to start having kids when he was 30. To her, 30 sounded like years away. So, when she hit 27 and he hit 30, he started bugging her. For the past few years she's done nothing but bitch and moan about how unhappy she is in her marriage because she doesn't want kids (she's a teacher and sick of them frankly), she doesn't want to be roped into caring for them while he is always at his high-powered job, etc. We're 30 now and she's about 4 months pregnant and totally miserable. He's thrilled. Not good.

I have two friends who divorced in their 20's shortly after having kids. I have countless more friends who are divorced, without kids (including my own fiance, thank goodness). I have another close friend (a teacher) whose husband of 4 years is just now starting to bother her to have a kid and she's too stressed out with work to deal.

Finally, my fiance's group of friends are all 34-35 years old and only just now started reproducing (except for one, who has a 6 year old and just had her second child a few months ago) and everyone seems happy as clams.

You earned your career. Enjoy yourself, and never be pressured into doing something you don't want to do. Kids are too important to be raised amidst troubled waters. There is no problem in waiting. There's evidence out there that couples who decide to wait are more financially stable, etc etc. And on my last girl-power note, I would never sacrifice my career to raise children partially because a) I'd be bored and b) if something happens to hubby down the line (divorce, death, incapacitation) you have to be fully prepared to support yourself and any children, and you're better equipped to do so with a more advanced career.

Good luck

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

My mom has always been very vocal about the fact that she never wanted to have kids. 4 full grown children later, she still regrets it. She's always said she felt she HAD to have kids for her husbands and her life was ruined. She is an angry, bitter woman who blames all the shortfalls and problems in her life on her children instead of on the poor choices she herself made. The idea of "you'll feel differently when they're YOUR children" and "you'll automatically love them because they're YOURS" isn't fair. You should have children because you want to have children, not to fulfill some societal or familial expectation.

When I wrote that in my post that is because my Mom did want kids she just hated others kids. She was giving me her perspective since I have said that I don't want kids because all kids annoy me but then I have little jolts of wanting them every now and then or at least thinking about how it would be to have one. So she was just trying to show me that it is okay to not like kids and still want your own because if you want them you will love them when you have them.

But in the case of your Mom, she didn't want to have them from the get go so her regretting her choice and blaming her children for everything is, I guess, her perspective on the whole children debate. And I am sorry that you have such an unhappy Mother.

The stuff you bolded wasn't directed at you, it's just stuff I hear over and over and over again. It has been suggested to me more than once that I should have a baby and see how I feel about it. My response is always, what if I still don't want it? Babies don't come with return policies. I certainly don't want to end up feeling the way my mom does. I'm 33. Even as a child, I never played with babydolls. I am great with kids, but I've always known I never wanted any of my own. But the pressure everyone else puts on women to pop out some babies AND have careers AND do everything else is just too much.

Besides, if I had kids, they'd tryto make me share my Cooler Ranch Doritos! *MINEMINEMINE*

Confused

Re: Confused

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