How bad can it be?

jdluvr06 · February 2014

@jdluvr, I ditto @phira that if literally everyone at your wedding is going to want to sit with your great-grandmother, you'd be a fool not to do a seating chart.

The fact your great-grandmother is rude and won't sit where she's assigned doesn't excuse you from doing what's proper for the rest of your family.

I don't see assigned table as proper or improper. I really see it as a preference. Also I know others might see my great grandmother as rude but she is 94 and as far we're concerned she can do whatever she wants. We're just happy she is going to still be here to be at our wedding.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

@jdluvr, I ditto @phira that if literally everyone at your wedding is going to want to sit with your great-grandmother, you'd be a fool not to do a seating chart.

The fact your great-grandmother is rude and won't sit where she's assigned doesn't excuse you from doing what's proper for the rest of your family.

I don't see assigned table as proper or improper. I really see it as a preference. Also I know others might see my great grandmother as rude but she is 94 and as far we're concerned she can do whatever she wants. We're just happy she is going to still be here to be at our wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

@jdluvr, I ditto @phira that if literally everyone at your wedding is going to want to sit with your great-grandmother, you'd be a fool not to do a seating chart.

The fact your great-grandmother is rude and won't sit where she's assigned doesn't excuse you from doing what's proper for the rest of your family.

I don't see assigned table as proper or improper. I really see it as a preference. Also I know others might see my great grandmother as rude but she is 94 and as far we're concerned she can do whatever she wants. We're just happy she is going to still be here to be at our wedding.

That statement is going to bite you in the ass.

Also, I give up. You're going to do this regardless of what we say, which is fine -- it's your family you're offending. But stop pretending this is relevant advice for people who (a) aren't your family and (b) want to host their guests properly.

Jen4948 · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

@jdluvr, I ditto @phira that if literally everyone at your wedding is going to want to sit with your great-grandmother, you'd be a fool not to do a seating chart.

The fact your great-grandmother is rude and won't sit where she's assigned doesn't excuse you from doing what's proper for the rest of your family.

I don't see assigned table as proper or improper. I really see it as a preference. Also I know others might see my great grandmother as rude but she is 94 and as far we're concerned she can do whatever she wants. We're just happy she is going to still be here to be at our wedding.

So what? That doesn't mean that she's the only guest who counts. You're being defensive about a bad decision, and setting a bad example for other brides. Can she also swear, belch, push people around, mock them, etc. at your wedding because "she is 94 and as far as we're concerned she can do whatever she wants" ? Old age is not an excuse for rudeness to others.

Not to mention, it still doesn't justify unassigned seating.

phira · February 2014

Again, EVERYONE is going to want to sit with your great grandmother. Do you have a table where everyone can sit with her? No? So who's going to get to sit with her?

What you're basically saying is that you know that people are going to want to sit with her, and you just don't want to be the person who decides because you don't want people to (apparently) get mad at you. As if they can't spend time with her at the wedding unless they're sitting next to her at dinner.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I am going to step back from this because for some reason I am getting defensive. Which it is silly to get defensive over a decision we haven't even made. Lol. I'm breaking my FMIL's really great advice and I feel a little silly for arguing over something small like this.

Jen4948 · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

I am going to step back from this because for some reason I am getting defensive. Which it is silly to get defensive over a decision we haven't even made. Lol. I'm breaking my FMIL's really great advice and I feel a little silly for arguing over something small like this.

That's because it shouldn't be a "decision." It's a "task." Not to do it and letting all of your family try first to find seats around your great-grandmother and failing, and then those not succeeding plus everyone else at the wedding (your FI's side, for example) have to hunt for seats, is lazy and inconsiderate of their needs.

And it needs to be part of the hosting job for everyone else. It's not a "preference" or a "decision." It's something they need to do to properly host and look after their guests' needs.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

Jen4948 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I think if it is the norm in the social circle then you should do the seating chart. If not then I wouldn't worry too much about it. We haven't decided if we are going to do a seating chart or not.

I'd do it whether it's a "norm in the social circle" or not for the reasons I stated above. I'd rather my guests know that I thought about their needs and arranged for them not to have to worry about finding seats together. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that it's "insulting them to assume that they can't find seats of their own."

This. I let my mom talk me out of assigning tables because "no one in our family does it and it will make the wedding too stuffy." We did do plenty of extra space to avoid people having to break up, and it wasn't an outright disaster, but I wish I had gone with my instinct and assigned. People would have been happier that way.

I figured out that my mom had come around to my way of thinking when she started pushing my sister to assign seating at her wedding last year.
I have a hard time believing there are so many issues without having assigned tables. I've been to tons of wedding without assigned tables and there were never any problems.

Same here- haven't been to tons, but a few and there were never any problems. As long as there are enough places for everyone to sit, it shouldn't be a big deal. We are having multiple food stations during dinner at our reception and no assigned seating either.

antoto · February 2014

I've only been to one wedding where seating was not assigned. We only knew the couple. We ended up sitting at the edge of the area at a table set for 8 but our only company was one man who was clearly on drugs and had his pants unzipped. It was so awkward we left as soon as we finished eating.

If the couple had bothered to assign seating we would have stayed for a lot longer because we wouldn't have felt so darn awkward and unwanted.

Jen4948 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

jdluvr06 said:

Jen4948 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I think if it is the norm in the social circle then you should do the seating chart. If not then I wouldn't worry too much about it. We haven't decided if we are going to do a seating chart or not.

I'd do it whether it's a "norm in the social circle" or not for the reasons I stated above. I'd rather my guests know that I thought about their needs and arranged for them not to have to worry about finding seats together. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that it's "insulting them to assume that they can't find seats of their own."

This. I let my mom talk me out of assigning tables because "no one in our family does it and it will make the wedding too stuffy." We did do plenty of extra space to avoid people having to break up, and it wasn't an outright disaster, but I wish I had gone with my instinct and assigned. People would have been happier that way.

I figured out that my mom had come around to my way of thinking when she started pushing my sister to assign seating at her wedding last year.
I have a hard time believing there are so many issues without having assigned tables. I've been to tons of wedding without assigned tables and there were never any problems.

Same here- haven't been to tons, but a few and there were never any problems. As long as there are enough places for everyone to sit, it shouldn't be a big deal. We are having multiple food stations during dinner at our reception and no assigned seating either.

But many other people, including me, have had the unpleasant experiences of not being able to find seats because they were all "saved", or having to carry a heavy tray of food and a drink while looking, or discovering that there's not enough room at a table with the people you know and ending up having to sit with strangers or nobody.

It honestly works better when you assign tables-it actually comes across as lazy and/or indifferent to your guests' needs when you don't. And that can impair relationships.

APDSS22 · February 2014

I think if you're having a smaller affair (especially when pretty much the entire guest list know each other well), to have assigned seats/tables or not can be a preference of the couple. They should just ensure they have lots of extra seats available. Honestly, the most awkward I've ever felt was at a wedding with assigned tables but that was because we were obviously at the "bottom of the list" table next to a drafty door and served cold food. The table next to us only had one person show up so we offered to let her join our table so she wouldn't have to eat alone. It can happen with assigned seating too. The more important thing to take away is that, when done properly, you can avoid all awkwardness by assigning seats/tables to ensure maximum guest comfort. And ensuring your guests' comfort, as much as reasonably possible, is pretty much always a good idea.

Jen4948 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I think if you're having a smaller affair (especially when pretty much the entire guest list know each other well), to have assigned seats/tables or not can be a preference of the couple. They should just ensure they have lots of extra seats available. Honestly, the most awkward I've ever felt was at a wedding with assigned tables but that was because we were obviously at the "bottom of the list" table next to a drafty door and served cold food. The table next to us only had one person show up so we offered to let her join our table so she wouldn't have to eat alone. It can happen with assigned seating too. The more important thing to take away is that, when done properly, you can avoid all awkwardness by assigning seats/tables to ensure maximum guest comfort. And ensuring your guests' comfort, as much as reasonably possible, is pretty much always a good idea.

Most weddings aren't like the bolded.

And if it happens with assigned seating, all it means is that the couple didn't do a good job. It doesn't mean assigned seating is not a good idea, because it is. It does mean that the couple need to take the time to do the work. It's a task, not a preference, and not doing it definitely doesn't assure any guest comfort.

indianaalum · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

jdluvr06 said:

Jen4948 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I think if it is the norm in the social circle then you should do the seating chart. If not then I wouldn't worry too much about it. We haven't decided if we are going to do a seating chart or not.

I'd do it whether it's a "norm in the social circle" or not for the reasons I stated above. I'd rather my guests know that I thought about their needs and arranged for them not to have to worry about finding seats together. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that it's "insulting them to assume that they can't find seats of their own."

This. I let my mom talk me out of assigning tables because "no one in our family does it and it will make the wedding too stuffy." We did do plenty of extra space to avoid people having to break up, and it wasn't an outright disaster, but I wish I had gone with my instinct and assigned. People would have been happier that way.

I figured out that my mom had come around to my way of thinking when she started pushing my sister to assign seating at her wedding last year.
I have a hard time believing there are so many issues without having assigned tables. I've been to tons of wedding without assigned tables and there were never any problems.

How would you know "there were never any problems" ? You might not have had them, but other guests may have.

Your personal experience doesn't constitute a basis for not having assigned tables. As mentioned above, there are many good reasons for doing it and really, none for not doing it.
I have one very good reason for not doing it. It is actually the one thing holding us up from doing it. Everyone is going to want to sit with my great grandmother. Add to that if you try to tell my great grandmother what table to sit at, she won't do it anyway. She will sit wherever she wants regardless.

Then you will make it WORSE by NOT assigning. NOW, they will all be ARGUING at your wedding on who gets to sit next to her! LOL. IT could turn into an all and all brawl over it if she is as popular as you claim. With assigned tables, the debate is ove because you decided and they have no choice but to move on. It's YOUR wedding, so put her at the table closest to you with your most immediate family. Problem solved.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I'm just...

jenniferurs · February 2014

How does this girl not understand that her situation makes it even more imperative to have a seating chart?

TheGrimReaper · February 2014

I once went to a wedding without assigned seats. There also weren't extra seats. It was awful. There ended up being 4 seats left at 2 different tables, so my dad sat with his brothers and sisters and my brother, and my mom and I sat at a table full of strangers. It sucked.

EDIT: I lied. There was only ONE seat left at the 'family table.' My brother was at the 'head table' since he was BM, which is a whole different issue.

vt&dt · February 2014

Also, if her reasoning is to let the great-grandmother sit by who she wants to sit with.... why doesn't she call her and say "We're working on a seating chart for the wedding reception, great-grandma. Who would you like us to put at your table?"

Problem solved.

antoto · February 2014

vt&dt said:

Also, if her reasoning is to let the great-grandmother sit by who she wants to sit with.... why doesn't she call her and say "We're working on a seating chart for the wedding reception, great-grandma. Who would you like us to put at your table?"

Problem solved.

Boom. Question answered! Nice!

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

jdluvr06 said:

Jen4948 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I think if it is the norm in the social circle then you should do the seating chart. If not then I wouldn't worry too much about it. We haven't decided if we are going to do a seating chart or not.

I'd do it whether it's a "norm in the social circle" or not for the reasons I stated above. I'd rather my guests know that I thought about their needs and arranged for them not to have to worry about finding seats together. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that it's "insulting them to assume that they can't find seats of their own."

This. I let my mom talk me out of assigning tables because "no one in our family does it and it will make the wedding too stuffy." We did do plenty of extra space to avoid people having to break up, and it wasn't an outright disaster, but I wish I had gone with my instinct and assigned. People would have been happier that way.

I figured out that my mom had come around to my way of thinking when she started pushing my sister to assign seating at her wedding last year.
I have a hard time believing there are so many issues without having assigned tables. I've been to tons of wedding without assigned tables and there were never any problems.

Same here- haven't been to tons, but a few and there were never any problems. As long as there are enough places for everyone to sit, it shouldn't be a big deal. We are having multiple food stations during dinner at our reception and no assigned seating either.

But many other people, including me, have had the unpleasant experiences of not being able to find seats because they were all "saved", or having to carry a heavy tray of food and a drink while looking, or discovering that there's not enough room at a table with the people you know and ending up having to sit with strangers or nobody.

It honestly works better when you assign tables-it actually comes across as lazy and/or indifferent to your guests' needs when you don't. And that can impair relationships.

I understand your points and bad experiences, however they are not my experiences and I don't agree with the bolded.

For the way our reception will be set up, assigned seating won't work, which is why we aren't doing it. It has nothing to do with us not wanting to do it or being lazy.

Our reception isn't going to have a traditional floor plan with everyone seated at 60" round tables all in a single room. That won't work in our venue. I guess we are having what is referred to on TK as a cocktail or mingling style reception and there will be different kinds of seating (60" round tables, smaller tables, high boy tables, couches and armchairs, etc.) throughout the 1st two floors of our venue and outside on the patio if the weather is nice.

If our reception was in a ballroom or banquet hall we would have assigned seating.

raeah219 · February 2014

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding.

Jen4948 · February 2014

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding.

Then you have two choices: hurriedly arrange a seat, or tell your guests that the uninvited +1 can't be accommodated. They may be hostile on hearing that, but it's on them, not you.

Inkdancer · February 2014

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding.

Your friends are sort of right. If they are in a relationship with someone, that someone should be invited. My fiance and I had been together for 5 years before we got engaged, and 6 before we moved in together. Your cutoff seems to indicate that we wouldn't have made your list of acceptable dates, even when we'd been dating for 4 or 5 years.

If they are not in a relationship at all, then not giving them a guest is okay.

How did you do RSVPs? Most RSVPs give an option to indicate if you're bringing someone. That should help. You may want to call some of your friends who you think may bring "random +1s" and find out whether or not they are bringing a date.

raeah219 · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

How did you do RSVPs? Most RSVPs give an option to indicate if you're bringing someone. That should help. You may want to call some of your friends who you think may bring "random +1s" and find out whether or not they are bringing a date.

I dont want to give people the option to bring someone if they want to. That will double my guest count.

antoto · February 2014

raeah219 said:

Inkdancer said:

How did you do RSVPs? Most RSVPs give an option to indicate if you're bringing someone. That should help. You may want to call some of your friends who you think may bring "random +1s" and find out whether or not they are bringing a date.

I dont want to give people the option to bring someone if they want to. That will double my guest count.

Right but if you indicate who is specifically invited on the inner envelope then they should be aware. If you get an rsvp that includes a name that was not on the inner envelope you simple contact that person and tell them, "person, we are so sorry, we wish we could accommodate everyone but we simply do not have room for people who are not in relationships blah blah"

edit: That sounded weird but you know what I mean

Inkdancer · February 2014

antoto said:

raeah219 said:

Inkdancer said:

How did you do RSVPs? Most RSVPs give an option to indicate if you're bringing someone. That should help. You may want to call some of your friends who you think may bring "random +1s" and find out whether or not they are bringing a date.

I dont want to give people the option to bring someone if they want to. That will double my guest count.

Right but if you indicate who is specifically invited on the inner envelope then they should be aware. If you get an rsvp that includes a name that was not on the inner envelope you simple contact that person and tell them, "person, we are so sorry, we wish we could accommodate everyone but we simply do not have room for people who are not in relationships blah blah"

edit: That sounded weird but you know what I mean

Yeah, this is what I meant. If you invited Sue and John on your invite, your RSVP should say "2 accept", "2 decline", or "Sue accepts, John declines". That way you can tell right away if when you invited Sally, she decided to add on her friend Betsy as a +1.

raeah219 · February 2014

I

Yeah, this is what I meant. If you invited Sue and John on your invite, your RSVP should say "2 accept", "2 decline", or "Sue accepts, John declines". That way you can tell right away if when you invited Sally, she decided to add on her friend Betsy as a +1.

OK! I get it now. So Where is says "Sue accepts, John Declines" Do I then call Sue and ask her if she will be bringing someone in Johns place?

antoto · February 2014

raeah219 said:

I

Yeah, this is what I meant. If you invited Sue and John on your invite, your RSVP should say "2 accept", "2 decline", or "Sue accepts, John declines". That way you can tell right away if when you invited Sally, she decided to add on her friend Betsy as a +1.

OK! I get it now. So Where is says "Sue accepts, John Declines" Do I then call Sue and ask her if she will be bringing someone in Johns place?

Don't believe so. That would be indicated on the rsvp unless Sue is crazy.

Inkdancer · February 2014

antoto said:

raeah219 said:

I

Yeah, this is what I meant. If you invited Sue and John on your invite, your RSVP should say "2 accept", "2 decline", or "Sue accepts, John declines". That way you can tell right away if when you invited Sally, she decided to add on her friend Betsy as a +1.

OK! I get it now. So Where is says "Sue accepts, John Declines" Do I then call Sue and ask her if she will be bringing someone in Johns place?

Don't believe so. That would be indicated on the rsvp unless Sue is crazy.

You should not need to call her.

The only case in which I would call someone after they RSVP would be if they penciled in a date or their children or someone who was not invited. Then you should call them to clear up the confusion.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding.

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests? They should have been invited as well

raeah219 · February 2014

BMoreBride6 said:

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding.

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests? They should have been invited as well

Why? So no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if I know them or not, they should be invited?

How bad can it be?

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