A lot has been going on and I am feeling pretty strongly that this relationship is not going to progress forward
I feel selfish, especially since I don't know right now whether or not I want children and I want to keep the option open of possibly not having children open and he most definitely does not want kids. I don't know when I will sit down and talk to him, I am visiting advice from our counselor and I know he also wants to talk to her. Maybe things will work out, I don't know. I feel that my heart has changed and it is wrong to keep him in a relationship when he deserves someone who will give him all of her heart. No I am not cheating on him and I am not in another relationship. I just feel I have changed and my feelings have changed.
So that is the background. I wanted to know the proper etiquette on giving back the ring. Do I give him back the ring and also the cost of the ring? It was about $3000, I know this because I put it on our renter's insurance. I have $3000 but that is emergency money, I guess this is kind of an emergency. Also, We put about $1200 down for venues and vendors. We used the joint account so we went half and half. Since in our contracts we do not get the down payments back does this mean I should give him a minimum of $600 to pay back his share of the down payments?
Not everything is set in stone but I want to be prepared. I know it will be difficult to be prepared mentally but to add more stress like money on top, I might just run away. Literally take off and visit Canada or something and not look back. Please help
Boy, I hope I'm doing this right. I didn't know whether to post at the of the discussion or at the end of this post so I'll do both.
My fiance and I talked. We have been visiting our counselor. I went twice last week, once by myself and once with him. The first time after talking with my counselor, I talked to him the next day because he was freaking out and thinking about the worst possible things that could happen to our relationship (his words). I was a little frustrated but I realized it wasn't fair of me to keep him in the dark about where we were going. He asked if I loved him and I said that yes I still loved him but it seems a lot has changed for us. He then said "I thought everything was going really well and then we had that talk about having kids and it seemed like everything went downhill from there." I explained to him that I actually didn't think everything was "going well." I told him that it was more like living with a roommate than a significant other. We don't share really any common interests and we rarely spend time together unless it is with other people (we did go out on a date the day after Valentine's day). The whole children situation is what really made me wonder if this relationship had a chance.
This all happened while we were driving home. His car was ruined by ice sheets falling on it so I have to drive him back and forth from work since his insurance doesn't cover a rental. We got home and things were kind of quiet, there was a lot of tension and when we sat down to dinner we kind of just started crying. It is so scary to think about. We talked some more and he said he wanted to see our counselor as soon as possible so I was able to get an appointment for this past Saturday. We went for a walk after not being able to eat, wanted to take our dog out and give her some exercise. We talked about what would happen if we separated and he said he wouldn't want to stay at the apartment because it would hurt too much. I understood that. We talked about canceling everything with the vendors and venues - all in all, it was a depressing walk.
The next day was Friday and we actually felt better, he told me this and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. He said that even though our relationship is in jeopardy, he feels better actually confirming it rather than guessing. I feel the same way, just having been able to talk to him.
Saturday we went to our counselor and talked about the possibility of having kids and several other things. I explained that I'm not ready to make such a huge decision right now and she said that she understood that. She said that if I made a decision that I wanted to have kids that I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it for him. My fiance understood this and we talked some more. We talked about my fear of having kids, why my views have changed and why he didn't understand why they changed. The last question our counselor asked was "you need to decide what is more important to you. Is it to have kids or to keep this relationship?" This question was aimed at both of us but reworded for me obviously. We left on that note and went to a craft store. On the way there I asked my fiance what he thought and he said "I have always wanted kids. That is more important to me." He isn't wrong. That is how he feels and he isn't wrong. It broke my heart to hear that but I know that it is selfish of me to expect him to change for such a huge life decision just like it would be selfish of him to expect me to change.
We have talked a bit more since then but for the most part I feel like we are in limbo. I want to make a decision but I don't want to rush into anything so I am very frustrated and confused. I have come to one realization though. I don't know if I want kids or not. I want both options to be open to me. I know my fiance most definitely wants children. I realized that he needs someone who is sure that they want children. I need someone who is going to still love me whether or not I choose to have children. Because for me, kids are not the most important thing in my life. Having that special someone who I can spend time with day in and day out, love always and to be there through the ups and downs, when I know kids will not, that's what I want. I want the support of someone who will one day say "yes, I would love to raise a child with you" or say "we don't need to have kids, and I'm okay with that because I have you." I don't know if I am asking for much. Maybe I am, but I guess I need to move on to find out if I am.
So we have another appointment Wednesday. I'll keep everyone updated but I believe after this is done and over, I am going to have to say goodbye. My heart is in turmoil and I am basically a wreck on the inside. I am going to have to walk away from some reminders for awhile and see where life takes me. I appreciate the support and hugs. You ladies are amazing and extremely loving and I hope you don't change.