Wedding Etiquette Forum

**Update** Giving back the ring

ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
edited February 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A lot has been going on and I am feeling pretty strongly that this relationship is not going to progress forward :( I feel selfish, especially since I don't know right now whether or not I want children and I want to keep the option open of possibly not having children open and he most definitely does not want kids. I don't know when I will sit down and talk to him, I am visiting advice from our counselor and I know he also wants to talk to her. Maybe things will work out, I don't know. I feel that my heart has changed and it is wrong to keep him in a relationship when he deserves someone who will give him all of her heart. No I am not cheating on him and I am not in another relationship. I just feel I have changed and my feelings have changed.

So that is the background. I wanted to know the proper etiquette on giving back the ring. Do I give him back the ring and also the cost of the ring? It was about $3000, I know this because I put it on our renter's insurance. I have $3000 but that is emergency money, I guess this is kind of an emergency. Also, We put about $1200 down for venues and vendors. We used the joint account so we went half and half. Since in our contracts we do not get the down payments back does this mean I should give him a minimum of $600 to pay back his share of the down payments? 

Not everything is set in stone but I want to be prepared. I know it will be difficult to be prepared mentally but to add more stress like money on top, I might just run away. Literally take off and visit Canada or something and not look back. Please help :(

**Update**

Boy, I hope I'm doing this right. I didn't know whether to post at the of the discussion or at the end of this post so I'll do both. 

My fiance and I talked. We have been visiting our counselor. I went twice last week, once by myself and once with him. The first time after talking with my counselor, I talked to him the next day because he was freaking out and thinking about the worst possible things that could happen to our relationship (his words). I was a little frustrated but I realized it wasn't fair of me to keep him in the dark about where we were going. He asked if I loved him and I said that yes I still loved him but it seems a lot has changed for us. He then said "I thought everything was going really well and then we had that talk about having kids and it seemed like everything went downhill from there." I explained to him that I actually didn't think everything was "going well." I told him that it was more like living with a roommate than a significant other. We don't share really any common interests and we rarely spend time together unless it is with other people (we did go out on a date the day after Valentine's day). The whole children situation is what really made me wonder if this relationship had a chance. 

This all happened while we were driving home. His car was ruined by ice sheets falling on it so I have to drive him back and forth from work since his insurance doesn't cover a rental. We got home and things were kind of quiet, there was a lot of tension and when we sat down to dinner we kind of just started crying. It is so scary to think about. We talked some more and he said he wanted to see our counselor as soon as possible so I was able to get an appointment for this past Saturday. We went for a walk after not being able to eat, wanted to take our dog out and give her some exercise. We talked about what would happen if we separated and he said he wouldn't want to stay at the apartment because it would hurt too much. I understood that. We talked about canceling everything with the vendors and venues - all in all, it was a depressing walk.

The next day was Friday and we actually felt better, he told me this and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. He said that even though our relationship is in jeopardy, he feels better actually confirming it rather than guessing. I feel the same way, just having been able to talk to him. 

Saturday we went to our counselor and talked about the possibility of having kids and several other things. I explained that I'm not ready to make such a huge decision right now and she said that she understood that. She said that if I made a decision that I wanted to have kids that I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it for him. My fiance understood this and we talked some more. We talked about my fear of having kids, why my views have changed and why he didn't understand why they changed. The last question our counselor asked was "you need to decide what is more important to you. Is it to have kids or to keep this relationship?" This question was aimed at both of us but reworded for me obviously. We left on that note and went to a craft store. On the way there I asked my fiance what he thought and he said "I have always wanted kids. That is more important to me." He isn't wrong. That is how he feels and he isn't wrong. It broke my heart to hear that but I know that it is selfish of me to expect him to change for such a huge life decision just like it would be selfish of him to expect me to change.

We have talked a bit more since then but for the most part I feel like we are in limbo. I want to make a decision but I don't want to rush into anything so I am very frustrated and confused. I have come to one realization though. I don't know if I want kids or not. I want both options to be open to me. I know my fiance most definitely wants children. I realized that he needs someone who is sure that they want children. I need someone who is going to still love me whether or not I choose to have children. Because for me, kids are not the most important thing in my life. Having that special someone who I can spend time with day in and day out, love always and to be there through the ups and downs, when I know kids will not, that's what I want. I want the support of someone who will one day say "yes, I would love to raise a child with you" or say "we don't need to have kids, and I'm okay with that because I have you." I don't know if I am asking for much. Maybe I am, but I guess I need to move on to find out if I am. 

So we have another appointment Wednesday. I'll keep everyone updated but I believe after this is done and over, I am going to have to say goodbye. My heart is in turmoil and I am basically a wreck on the inside. I am going to have to walk away from some reminders for awhile and see where life takes me. I appreciate the support and hugs. You ladies are amazing and extremely loving and I hope you don't change.
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Re: **Update** Giving back the ring

  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Oh hon, I am sorry. This is a really tough situation.

    First thing I would do is talk to your counselor about this, alone. Make sure it's not just cold feet, but that you're committed to this decision. It's going to be really hard.

    You do not have to give him back the cost of the ring. You also do not have to give back money to him, since you've already split costs.

    I wish you good luck. It may well be the right decision but it is still going to be very difficult.

    /hugs
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    happymellow
  • I don't think it is cold feet. We chose a date that is in 2015 and I was honestly relieved. We had discussed eloping and that freaked me out because it would mean we were getting married sooner. That's when I started to wonder if I even wanted to get married to him. I felt terrible and progressed with wedding planning. Then there have been other problems on top of our differences on wanting children. It has been extremely frustrating and that is why I finally came here and asked what everyone else thought. 

    I will be seeing my counselor again and explain everything to her. I have been really bad about opening up but I need to do this. I'm afraid he is going to completely hate me and want nothing to do with me but it is nothing less than I deserve. I'm also afraid I am going to loose our friends. I don't have many in this town and the few I do have are through him. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    *HUGS*

    I'm sorry this is a tough and sad situation, but I think you are being very brave and I wish you much happiness.

    All I can add in regards to your actual question is that as JellyBean said, you need to see what your state law is in regards to e-rings.

    PLease take care and don't be a stranger here.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    s-aries8990
  • I'm sorry you're going through this.

    If you're initiating all of this, the right thing to do IMO is to give him back the ring and pay him for any weddings g related expenses that aren't refundable. If that means giving him his half of the deposits, just do it. It's taking the high road in an unfortunate situation.

    happymellowPhoneCardLadys-aries8990CheleLyn
  • I don't want to keep the ring. He saved up part of his money for this ring rather than putting the money in his personal account. I would feel terrible if I kept the ring. I'm more curious about the etiquette of giving him the value of the ring on top of the ring. I don't really understand the resale value of rings especially since this has been sized since my fingers are small. So he may loose out on $3000?
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  • antotoantoto member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. My absolute best thoughts & prayers for you :(

    As far as giving the ring back, state law determines whether or not you need to give it back (unless he wants you to keep it). Some states treats engagements like contracts, where the ring is given as a consideration in exchange for your agreement to get married. If you back out of that agreement, then you have to return what was given in consideration. You don't need to give him any extra money on top of that. I would give him the $600 he contributed to the down payments.

    Stay positive and put yourself first here. I know you're already concerned about feeling selfish, but if you don't take care of yourself you'll never be able to healthily move forward with someone else. But don't run away! If this is meant to be, then it only means something better is in store for your future. I truly mean that!
    This!  Had a male friend who proposed to a girl and she backed out.  He discussed it with a lawyer and some states view it as a gift (you don't need to return it) or they view it as a contractual exchange (you need to give it back).  I have no idea what the formal etiquette is... perhaps discuss how he feels about it with him AFTER you have decided for sure what you want to do.

    The desire to have children or not is a huge deal, so I understand why you are feeling anxious.  Definitely speak with someone who can be objective about this.

    Good luck, hope you feel better.

    P.S.  Your fear of him hating you or of your friends being upset should not be a reason to continue into a marriage you do not want.  Better to have him hurt now than to ask him for a divorce later.  That is way more painful.
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    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83luckysnorkelCaitFins
  • ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    banana468 said:
    I'm sorry you're going through this. If you're initiating all of this, the right thing to do IMO is to give him back the ring and pay him for any weddings g related expenses that aren't refundable. If that means giving him his half of the deposits, just do it. It's taking the high road in an unfortunate situation.
    I can do that. I can easily give him $600 but I was also thinking about letting him keep all the money in the joint account because I have set up a savings account attached to it (which he easily can access) and was putting money away from what we put into the joint. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't want to keep the ring. He saved up part of his money for this ring rather than putting the money in his personal account. I would feel terrible if I kept the ring. I'm more curious about the etiquette of giving him the value of the ring on top of the ring. I don't really understand the resale value of rings especially since this has been sized since my fingers are small. So he may loose out on $3000?
    I would just give the ring back to him, and not worry about any additional costs.

    You can talk to a jeweler if you are concerned, but I don't think a ring depreciates in value like a car does, as soon as you drive it off of the lot.  And rings should be able to be resized with minimal issues- many people have to have their e-rings and wedding bands resized due to weight gain or loss.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    KeptInStitches
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    First of all, I'm really sorry. I've been there. 

    Legally, the ring is yours in most places. It's considered a gift, though like PP said it could be seen as a contract too. I feel the proper thing to do is to give the ring back- though I never did, mostly because I don't want my ex to know where I live and because there is other money I put in that I couldn't get back. He only had the cost of the ring, which is pretty much worthless once it leaves the store. We obviously did not break up on good terms. He's the one that broke up with me so that sort of changes things I suppose.

    I don't think your obligated to give him money on top of that, but see what feels right after the two of you talk about it. Personally, I would probably give back the ring and half the deposit, I wouldn't really worry about the cost of the ring on top of all that. It's great that you want to do the right thing, but don't throw yourself to the wolves over it either. 

    I am really sorry this is happening. It is very brave of you and smart to call off the wedding if you are having these kinds of thoughts. It will be okay. 
    image
  • emmyg65 said:
    I'm so sorry. But I think you're doing the right thing, based on stuff you've said.

    I believe etiquette states to return the ring, as does ethics. But you don't also need to reimburse him for the cost of it.

    And yes, it's better to offer to reimburse him for his share of nonrefundable wedding expenses. It's just the nice thing to do, and it will help you feel better if you do right by him as you end this.
    I'm most definitely going to do this. I'm already messing up his life by calling this off, so it's the least I can do.

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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm very sorry, but very proud of you. It's hard to call off an engagement. I regret that I didn't follow through with calling off my first wedding.
    I would give him the ring and the $600. $1200 is a lot less than a divorce costs.
    If he complains about the cost of the ring, I would sell it back and give him the$3K. You should be able to get some money for it. I would under no circumstance give him the ring and $3K - it's one of the other.

    Ask your vendors if you can get the deposit back if they book someone else or if you can find someone to take you date. Then you can post on your local board to try and fill the dates. Sometimes they'll give you back the deposit when they fill the date bc otherwise you can make them continue to hold the date until they are less likely to fill it when you next payment is due.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    PrettyGirlLosts-aries8990
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm so sorry. But honestly, it sounds like you're making the right choice. 
    Give him the ring back. You don't need to pay him any additional money on top of that. But you should cover his share for the deposits that are not refundable. 

    PrettyGirlLostCheleLyn
  • I don't want to keep the ring. He saved up part of his money for this ring rather than putting the money in his personal account. I would feel terrible if I kept the ring. I'm more curious about the etiquette of giving him the value of the ring on top of the ring. I don't really understand the resale value of rings especially since this has been sized since my fingers are small. So he may loose out on $3000?
    I would just give the ring back to him, and not worry about any additional costs.

    You can talk to a jeweler if you are concerned, but I don't think a ring depreciates in value like a car does, as soon as you drive it off of the lot.  And rings should be able to be resized with minimal issues- many people have to have their e-rings and wedding bands resized due to weight gain or loss.
    It actually totally does.  That's the diamond industry for ya.  You can still get some money back, but you never, ever get it all back.  But if he wanted to keep it for the future he could, if he doesn't have negative feelings about it.
    image
    [Deleted User]s-aries8990
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't think it is cold feet. We chose a date that is in 2015 and I was honestly relieved. We had discussed eloping and that freaked me out because it would mean we were getting married sooner. That's when I started to wonder if I even wanted to get married to him. I felt terrible and progressed with wedding planning. Then there have been other problems on top of our differences on wanting children. It has been extremely frustrating and that is why I finally came here and asked what everyone else thought. 

    I will be seeing my counselor again and explain everything to her. I have been really bad about opening up but I need to do this. I'm afraid he is going to completely hate me and want nothing to do with me but it is nothing less than I deserve. I'm also afraid I am going to loose our friends. I don't have many in this town and the few I do have are through him. 
    No, no, no!  Don't think or feel like this!  What you are doing is the absolute correct, mature, responsible thing to do!  It is far worse for all involved to get married if you are not on the same page of wanting kids, because as we discussed before, you cannot compromise on that issue.

    Sure, your FI will likely feel hurt, sad, upset, etc.  That is all natural when you end a relationship or loose a loved one.  He may get so upset he claims he hates you. . . but those are his feelings which he will have to work through, and are not a reflection on what you "deserve."

    You both deserve to be in loving, committed relationships with people who share the same life goals, such as having kids or not.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    happymellow
  • It's really hard to tell myself that this is okay. That what I am doing is not a selfish act. He is a really good person, I'm just pretty sure, I'm not the right person for him. 

    Also, I know this sounds terrible but coming to this realization really makes me not want to try anymore. I know of someone who cheated and while her now ex (a pretty good friend) was willing to forgive and work through things, she didn't want to. I thought she was a terrible person because he was left broken and completely destroyed but I feel like I am falling into that same mold. I don't want to try any more. We have been differing on a lot of things lately, especially in the past six months, probably even around the time we got engaged or even before. It has become more and more work and while I understand that all relationships take work I don't think it is supposed to be this stressful and emotionally draining.
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  • It's really hard to tell myself that this is okay. That what I am doing is not a selfish act. He is a really good person, I'm just pretty sure, I'm not the right person for him. 

    Also, I know this sounds terrible but coming to this realization really makes me not want to try anymore. I know of someone who cheated and while her now ex (a pretty good friend) was willing to forgive and work through things, she didn't want to. I thought she was a terrible person because he was left broken and completely destroyed but I feel like I am falling into that same mold. I don't want to try any more. We have been differing on a lot of things lately, especially in the past six months, probably even around the time we got engaged or even before. It has become more and more work and while I understand that all relationships take work I don't think it is supposed to be this stressful and emotionally draining.
    Anything in life worth having takes work and can be emotionally draining. I, like you, had ZERO interest in dating again after my engagement ended. But that eventually changed, and that feeling will change for you. Right now it's completely natural to not want to date. You probably shouldn't, to be honest, until you've healed from this relationship.

    I can't reiterate enough how much of a bad person you are NOT. You aren't selfish in a bad way, you're selfish in a way that you NEED to be in order to be happy. It's ok that you don't want to try anymore, you've tried all that you could and you've given all that you can afford to give to this relationship. You know in your heart when it's just done; that's probably the point your friend got to, and that's probably why she was so cavalier about cheating and then walking away. That's certainly not the classiest way to go about it, but I'm sure she knew the relationship was done. But don't compare yourself to someone who cheated. What you're doing is the RIGHT thing, and it bears no comparison to infidelity.
    AprilH81PrettyGirlLostjessiray
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The guy I dated right before FI I was with for 5 years. I stayed so long because it was comfortable and I was scared of hurting him. We went to HS together (but didn't start dating until 10 years after we graduated) and I also was worried that people would hate me. Eventually I was just so miserable that I had to end it. We were wrong for each other. I wasn't in love with him. And ultimately, even though I hurt him, I did him a favor. He deserved someone that was in love and truly wanted to marry him. And I also deserved to feel in love, not that I had just settled. 

    Anyway, people DID stop talking to me. I lost a few friends. In the end, I was happy to lose them. I didn't need fake people in my life. These same people also talked a ton of shit behind my back. The people that were truly friends were the ones that stuck around. And I came out on the other end totally fine. 

    I'm not going to lie - the first few weeks sucked. Majorly sucked. But it gets better. 

    antotoChemFanatic25PrettyGirlLost
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Hugs to you. I wish I could offer something more.
    ChemFanatic25happymellow
  • It's really hard to tell myself that this is okay. That what I am doing is not a selfish act. He is a really good person, I'm just pretty sure, I'm not the right person for him. 

    Also, I know this sounds terrible but coming to this realization really makes me not want to try anymore. I know of someone who cheated and while her now ex (a pretty good friend) was willing to forgive and work through things, she didn't want to. I thought she was a terrible person because he was left broken and completely destroyed but I feel like I am falling into that same mold. I don't want to try any more. We have been differing on a lot of things lately, especially in the past six months, probably even around the time we got engaged or even before. It has become more and more work and while I understand that all relationships take work I don't think it is supposed to be this stressful and emotionally draining.
    Anything in life worth having takes work and can be emotionally draining. I, like you, had ZERO interest in dating again after my engagement ended. But that eventually changed, and that feeling will change for you. Right now it's completely natural to not want to date. You probably shouldn't, to be honest, until you've healed from this relationship.

    I can't reiterate enough how much of a bad person you are NOT. You aren't selfish in a bad way, you're selfish in a way that you NEED to be in order to be happy. It's ok that you don't want to try anymore, you've tried all that you could and you've given all that you can afford to give to this relationship. You know in your heart when it's just done; that's probably the point your friend got to, and that's probably why she was so cavalier about cheating and then walking away. That's certainly not the classiest way to go about it, but I'm sure she knew the relationship was done. But don't compare yourself to someone who cheated. What you're doing is the RIGHT thing, and it bears no comparison to infidelity.
    I don't want to date right now. My friend has a 3D printer coming in that you have to assemble so I am going to help him with that and then work on some programming to come up with some interesting things to print. I also want to have a go at gardening again and I think since I won't have to worry about "being too spontaneous" I may take a couple of trips by myself several places. I really want to go to New Orleans, Louisiana. 
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  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    It's really hard to tell myself that this is okay. That what I am doing is not a selfish act. He is a really good person, I'm just pretty sure, I'm not the right person for him. 

    Also, I know this sounds terrible but coming to this realization really makes me not want to try anymore. I know of someone who cheated and while her now ex (a pretty good friend) was willing to forgive and work through things, she didn't want to. I thought she was a terrible person because he was left broken and completely destroyed but I feel like I am falling into that same mold. I don't want to try any more. We have been differing on a lot of things lately, especially in the past six months, probably even around the time we got engaged or even before. It has become more and more work and while I understand that all relationships take work I don't think it is supposed to be this stressful and emotionally draining.
    It is totally okay to take care of yourself and your emotional health. You deserve to be with someone you love completely, someone you can't imagine being without. And so does he.

    I am trying to send hugs through the internet to you. You are not a bad person, you are a good person making a very difficult choice.
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    PrettyGirlLosthappymellow
  • antoto said:
    I don't want to keep the ring. He saved up part of his money for this ring rather than putting the money in his personal account. I would feel terrible if I kept the ring. I'm more curious about the etiquette of giving him the value of the ring on top of the ring. I don't really understand the resale value of rings especially since this has been sized since my fingers are small. So he may loose out on $3000?
    I would just give the ring back to him, and not worry about any additional costs.

    You can talk to a jeweler if you are concerned, but I don't think a ring depreciates in value like a car does, as soon as you drive it off of the lot.  And rings should be able to be resized with minimal issues- many people have to have their e-rings and wedding bands resized due to weight gain or loss.
    It actually totally does.  That's the diamond industry for ya.  You can still get some money back, but you never, ever get it all back.  But if he wanted to keep it for the future he could, if he doesn't have negative feelings about it.
    Never is awfully strong. I sold my previous wedding set after my divorce. We had paid $2000 for both the engagement ring and wedding band. When I listed it for sale, I asked for $2000, and figured I would let a buyer talk me down. I had a buyer willing to pay my full asking price, but ended up agreeing on $1900 because I agreed to pay the cost of having the rings replated ($50/ring) since they were white gold and about 10 years old.
    So, OP, the cost of the ring can be recouped.
  • Thanks ladies. This has really helped me calm down. I am at work running some tests and since I can't do much my mind is going crazy. 
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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't think it is cold feet. We chose a date that is in 2015 and I was honestly relieved. We had discussed eloping and that freaked me out because it would mean we were getting married sooner. That's when I started to wonder if I even wanted to get married to him. I felt terrible and progressed with wedding planning. Then there have been other problems on top of our differences on wanting children. It has been extremely frustrating and that is why I finally came here and asked what everyone else thought. 

    I will be seeing my counselor again and explain everything to her. I have been really bad about opening up but I need to do this. I'm afraid he is going to completely hate me and want nothing to do with me but it is nothing less than I deserve. I'm also afraid I am going to loose our friends. I don't have many in this town and the few I do have are through him. 

    You are actually doing an amazing thing for him. If you go through with this wedding, only to hit absolutely rock bottom a year into it, and you get a divorce AND he finds out you felt this way before the wedding, it would be way way worse. He would feel deceived. You are being honest about your feelings, and that is a gift. Also once you tell him and make the decision, call your venue and see if you can get the deposit back. They certainly don't owe it to you, but because your date is so far away they may give it back, or maybe ask if you could have it back if they rebook that date.

    I'm sure everything feels overwhelming right now, but I think you will feel a burden lift once you tell him. You can't control his reaction (he may say he hates you, cry, be upset, etc) but if you treat him with respect and honesty, you will have done right for both you.


    image
    PrettyGirlLostKeptInStitchesCrazyCatLady3
  • antoto said:
    I don't want to keep the ring. He saved up part of his money for this ring rather than putting the money in his personal account. I would feel terrible if I kept the ring. I'm more curious about the etiquette of giving him the value of the ring on top of the ring. I don't really understand the resale value of rings especially since this has been sized since my fingers are small. So he may loose out on $3000?
    I would just give the ring back to him, and not worry about any additional costs.

    You can talk to a jeweler if you are concerned, but I don't think a ring depreciates in value like a car does, as soon as you drive it off of the lot.  And rings should be able to be resized with minimal issues- many people have to have their e-rings and wedding bands resized due to weight gain or loss.
    It actually totally does.  That's the diamond industry for ya.  You can still get some money back, but you never, ever get it all back.  But if he wanted to keep it for the future he could, if he doesn't have negative feelings about it.
    Never is awfully strong. I sold my previous wedding set after my divorce. We had paid $2000 for both the engagement ring and wedding band. When I listed it for sale, I asked for $2000, and figured I would let a buyer talk me down. I had a buyer willing to pay my full asking price, but ended up agreeing on $1900 because I agreed to pay the cost of having the rings replated ($50/ring) since they were white gold and about 10 years old.
    So, OP, the cost of the ring can be recouped.
    Ah, yes if you privately sell it yourself to a guy who is about to propose then yes, you may be able to sell it for the same.  I was talking about going back to the jeweler.  
    image
  • ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    I don't think it is cold feet. We chose a date that is in 2015 and I was honestly relieved. We had discussed eloping and that freaked me out because it would mean we were getting married sooner. That's when I started to wonder if I even wanted to get married to him. I felt terrible and progressed with wedding planning. Then there have been other problems on top of our differences on wanting children. It has been extremely frustrating and that is why I finally came here and asked what everyone else thought. 

    I will be seeing my counselor again and explain everything to her. I have been really bad about opening up but I need to do this. I'm afraid he is going to completely hate me and want nothing to do with me but it is nothing less than I deserve. I'm also afraid I am going to loose our friends. I don't have many in this town and the few I do have are through him. 

    You are actually doing an amazing thing for him. If you go through with this wedding, only to hit absolutely rock bottom a year into it, and you get a divorce AND he finds out you felt this way before the wedding, it would be way way worse. He would feel deceived. You are being honest about your feelings, and that is a gift. Also once you tell him and make the decision, call your venue and see if you can get the deposit back. They certainly don't owe it to you, but because your date is so far away they may give it back, or maybe ask if you could have it back if they rebook that date.

    I'm sure everything feels overwhelming right now, but I think you will feel a burden lift once you tell him. You can't control his reaction (he may say he hates you, cry, be upset, etc) but if you treat him with respect and honesty, you will have done right for both you.

    I'm going to try my best. I think that giving him back the ring and his part of the deposits will help. I will be honest with him that my feelings have changed, I am pretty sure he will not react well to that.

    Edit: I say this because we almost went through the same situation a couple years ago but I panicked and thought I was being extremely selfish and agreed to give our relationship another try.
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  • emmyg65 said:
    Hey you, be kind to yourself. You're doing the right thing, for both yourself AND for him. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but time will make things better. For now, treat yo'self. Spend time with people who restore you. Bury yourself in your work. Have a spa day, at home or out. Whatever makes you feel better, do it.
    It would have to be out, we live together and I don't know how soon he can move out. I'm not going to force him either because he lives a bit away from home also and that would be one heck of a drive every day. Honestly, I don't see much changing with the exception of our status and friends because it was basically like living with a roommate and I became extremely comfortable with that situation.
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