Wedding Etiquette Forum

Vent! MOG & MOB (who are best friends) are in turmoil!

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Re: Vent! MOG & MOB (who are best friends) are in turmoil!

  • Thank you, me either. So it's not me? LOL
  • I think I need to talk to the bride and groom.
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  • What does the bride and groom want? If MOB is contributing 10K, who are you to say she should pay more.  You have no right to spend other people's money. If you are covering all of your family and friends and then some, what is the problem? Are you and bride and groom counting on this extra 3K? Are the bride and groom paying anything towards this wedding, because 17K is a pretty good budget for 100 people. Also, why don't you pay the extra 3 thousand (not saying you should have to, but neither should the MOB)?

    I agree you should be on the invitation, it sounds like you are one of the hosts. 
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  • phira said:
    I think I need to talk to the bride and groom.
     You think YOU do? LOL Ah man, would ya please? Actually, FDIL tries hard to be firm with her mom, but I have listened to the conversations on speaker and she can barely get a word in. Of course, she feels she has to just suck it up so her mom will show up, and is trying to be a good daughter, but yeah, she knows when this is over that she will just have to limit her time with her mom. Well, actually she's known that for years!
  • laurynm84 said:
    What does the bride and groom want? If MOB is contributing 10K, who are you to say she should pay more.  You have no right to spend other people's money. If you are covering all of your family and friends and then some, what is the problem? Are you and bride and groom counting on this extra 3K? Are the bride and groom paying anything towards this wedding, because 17K is a pretty good budget for 100 people. Also, why don't you pay the extra 3 thousand (not saying you should have to, but neither should the MOB)?

    I agree you should be on the invitation, it sounds like you are one of the hosts. 
    Of course MOB doesn't HAVE to pay more, but she committed to more in the beginning, when the venue was booked. She knew the guest list number, she knew the cost. The bride and groom (not me) were counting on this money because MOB agreed to pay for this venue. Their contribution was earmarked for other things..honeymoon, rings, attendant gifts, hotel the night of, since they don't fly out to Italy until the following day. I myself had the conversation with MOB on the phone from the venue because MOB couldn't be bothered to go to the venue, I did! And I also held her daughter in my arms while she cried that her mother isn't making time for her or showing an interest! I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint, any woman in my position would do the same thing. And I am not spending anyone's money, MOB along with bride is spending mine, and I haven't asked for much other than my name on the invite! I have only been helpful to the bride because I care about her AND I have the time. Both MOB and bride work full time, I do not. Yes I'm covering my guests, the problem is the MOB wants me to cut MY guests! IDK, maybe you could go back and read it, and I'm sure I didn't word it all perfectly, lol.

    For what it's worth, I would implore all MOB's who want to exclude the grooms family on the invite, to please reconsider. It may be your "right" but it's just rude and insensitive to the brides new family. I mean at least ask them! Because if the invite is going out to people you don't know, some people won't even know who its from unless the grooms family names are listed. I made sure to do this for my in-laws 25 years ago and they appreciated my thoughtfulness.
  • jenniferursjenniferurs member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited February 2014


    laurynm84 said:

    What does the bride and groom want? If MOB is contributing 10K, who are you to say she should pay more.  You have no right to spend other people's money. If you are covering all of your family and friends and then some, what is the problem? Are you and bride and groom counting on this extra 3K? Are the bride and groom paying anything towards this wedding, because 17K is a pretty good budget for 100 people. Also, why don't you pay the extra 3 thousand (not saying you should have to, but neither should the MOB)?

    I agree you should be on the invitation, it sounds like you are one of the hosts. 

    Of course MOB doesn't HAVE to pay more, but she committed to more in the beginning, when the venue was booked. She knew the guest list number, she knew the cost. The bride and groom (not me) were counting on this money because MOB agreed to pay for this venue. Their contribution was earmarked for other things..honeymoon, rings, attendant gifts, hotel the night of, since they don't fly out to Italy until the following day. I myself had the conversation with MOB on the phone from the venue because MOB couldn't be bothered to go to the venue, I did! And I also held her daughter in my arms while she cried that her mother isn't making time for her or showing an interest! I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint, any woman in my position would do the same thing. And I am not spending anyone's money, MOB along with bride is spending mine, and I haven't asked for much other than my name on the invite! I have only been helpful to the bride because I care about her AND I have the time. Both MOB and bride work full time, I do not. Yes I'm covering my guests, the problem is the MOB wants me to cut MY guests! IDK, maybe you could go back and read it, and I'm sure I didn't word it all perfectly, lol.

    For what it's worth, I would implore all MOB's who want to exclude the grooms family on the invite, to please reconsider. It may be your "right" but it's just rude and insensitive to the brides new family. I mean at least ask them! Because if the invite is going out to people you don't know, some people won't even know who its from unless the grooms family names are listed. I made sure to do this for my in-laws 25 years ago and they appreciated my thoughtfulness.


    My FI's family werent listed as hostesses on the wedding invitation, because, well, they're not hosting the wedding. Conversely, my mom wasn't listed on the rehearsal dinner invite, because she's not hosting that portion. It seems to me, however, that you're co-hosting this wedding, so you should be listed on the invite; I just don't think it's a blanket rule that needs to be extended to all families of differing circumstance.
  • edited February 2014
    I am the MOG and my son has been dating his lovely girlfriend (my best friends daughter) for almost 10 years. When making the guest list, I added 14 close family members to the guest list, family that the bride knows well. Then I added 11 couples (22 friends) who also know the couple. Most also know the MOB. My son, FDIL and MOB are very close to my family and most of my friends. My daughter (grooms sister) is the brides MOH! MOB is single, and often included in our Christmas Dinners, Thanksgiving, birthday's, Mothers day, as well as just hanging out because we've been friends for so long....48 years! 

    Now the MOB wants me to cut the list to make budget cuts because she is suddenly only willing to contribute 10K towards a 100 person wedding when she originally agreed that she could pay more, about 3K more! Normally I would understand if this were for some real financial constraints, but I know my friend, she is just being selfish and vindictive. (I know, why is she my friend, lol.) She has the money, just doesn't want to pay for anyone but her own family and the few friends she has. In fact, because she really has no one to invite to the wedding, she keeps telling the couple to have a small destination wedding, not even caring that our family is very close but not all would be able to make it! And things are booked, deposits are made, the wedding is 3 months away! Okay fine, so I suspected money would become an issue, so my husband and I already gave $7K to cover ALL our guest and then some (roughly $4k for dinner, another $3k for her to use however she wanted). I didn't want our side of the family to be a financial burden to her since I know dead-beat dad isn't contributing much, although he did give enough to cover all his invited family as well for dinner. She doesn't even want them there either, but really...they are lovely people and important to the bride and groom. We are also paying for half the honeymoon and putting on a lavish rehearsal dinner. Today, I finally emailed her telling her NO, I will not be cutting anyone from our list.

    Apparently she also wants everyone to think she is hosting this lovely affair all by herself because she doesn't even want our names on the invitation. Not that I expected to be listed as hostess, even though I am assisting a great deal in the planning for the wedding, and my husband and I will likely act as host's at the event because she just isn't interested in her role as MOB and someone has to! She's certainly not been all that interested in any wedding planning to date, and argues over everything with her daughter. I know she's not "required" to list us, but I did expect "son of Mr. & Mrs XXX" below our sons name if only as a way to honor our long time friendship! BTW, FDIL lives with me, they're saying up for a house, we get along great. I have always been somewhat stuck in the middle of the two of them,  but truth be told, once my son marry's her, she will be a member of our family and in our house, family comes first

    I emailed MOG about the invitation wording (we live an hour apart), told her how I feel, poured my heart out, and she is now ignoring me! She yells at her daughter about every little detail, telling her she is a horrible person, selfish, rude...basically everything that SHE is. Now MOB is yelling at her daughter about ME! I feel TERRIBLE for this sweet young lady!  Fortunately, she is resilient and quite frankly, she is used to her mother's abuse. It's just awful and heartbreaking, but I fear irreparable damage has been done to our friendship because I can't get past this awful behavior of hers :(
    To the bolded.. I sincerely hope you aren't "one of those" MIL's who thinks your son and your family are more important than your FDIL's family.... 

    Also to the not giving as much as "promised" and "earmarking it" we tell ALL brides not to count the money until the check has been cashed for this precised reason. 

    As for the invite, have your FDIL order it the way she wants and if her mother boycotts because of it, than that her OWN battle to fight. Not yours. 
    No, I am not "that" FMIL. I only meant, FDIL will be family, officially, and I will no longer be stuck in the middle of them, worrying about who I will hurt by not siding with them. FDIL has never expected me to side with her in their arguments, but MOB certainly does! I will always back my family when needed, and she will now be family so I won't feel so conflicted. But I have ALWAYS included her mother (my best friend!) in all of our functions, and I have always understood when FDIL has had to leave our family functions, along with my son, to go attend to her side of the family...both of them (they are divorced obviously). Really...I'm a nice person. I hope I'm not coming off as some controlling MIL, actually quite the opposite. My kids are all very independent. My one daughter is a chef living in LA, my other son is a Marine.  We get together often, but that's because they want to. But what would you do when your FDIL lives in your house, someone you've known since birth, even threw her a 3rd birthday because her mom was too poor, and now has no one to help her? You treat her like a daughter, that's what.

  • My FI's family wasn't listed as hostesses on the wedding invitation, because, well, they're not hosting the wedding. Conversely, my mom wasn't listed on the rehearsal dinner invite, because she's not hosting that portion. It seems to me, however, that you're co-hosting this wedding, so you should be listed on the invite; I just don't think it's a blanket rule that needs to be extended to all families of differing circumstance.
    Yes, you're probably right, and I probably shouldn't have said it was rude and insensitive, and I apologize. But sensitivity should certainly be used when considering the right way for an individual wedding invitation will be worded. IDK, I guess I just err on the side of "how can I make everyone happy" as opposed to "who's hosting this wedding anyway". I know it's "all about the bride", but as the mother of a groom who is very special to me, my first born, I wonder sometimes if MOB's even consider them...from all that I read. I mean I have a daughter too, and I will likely be planning her wedding in a few years, and I couldn't imagine not listing his parents name on the invite even though I don't know them, at least under his name, not as hosts of course, because they won't be hosting ;) But giving honor where honor is due is just...kind. And I believe in being kind. I believe the grooms parents, the people who raised the man of my lil perrty girls dreams deserve some honor too :)
  • I don't even know where to start...
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Also to the not giving as much as "promised" and "earmarking it" we tell ALL brides not to count the money until the check has been cashed for this precised reason. 


    Yes, this is a lesson learned. MOB said to use her CC as expenses came up because she wanted to get flyer miles. Made sense at the time :/
  • I guess the point that is lost, is I just lost my best friend of 48 years. Yes, she's a freak when it comes to her daughter, but we've shared some good times too. :'(
  • I appreciate the things that you have said and are doing for your FDIL. My FMIL is not like you, and is a terror sometimes. The fact that you ARE contributing money says a lot about who gets to come - I'd break down the budget and find cost of plates and show that your portion pays for all your guests (I'm sure you may have already).

    If the MOB is cutting how much she is contributing, then her own personal guests get cut, not yours or the brides.

    I have a hard time imagining how to properly co-host a wedding, but this seems like a situation where the invite should read "Mr and Mrs Bride and Mr and Mrs Groom request the honor of your company at the marriage of their children..." The fact that you would be okay with it just saying "son of" shows youre not pushy.

    (MY FMIL forced us to add her name to the invite even though she is not contributing anything to the wedding.)

    You are acting like how my mother is - she wants to give the best day possible for her daughter even if daughter doesn't have enough money to achieve that vision, and will therefore contribute what she can to the day. What a wonderful blessing and gift, and I'm glad your FDIL has a mom like you.

    Now take a deep breath and stand up for your FDIL, because that's all you can do now. Don't be a bitch back to her mom though. Don't be the reason the relationship ends.

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  • I appreciate the things that you have said and are doing for your FDIL. My FMIL is not like you, and is a terror sometimes. The fact that you ARE contributing money says a lot about who gets to come - I'd break down the budget and find cost of plates and show that your portion pays for all your guests (I'm sure you may have already). If the MOB is cutting how much she is contributing, then her own personal guests get cut, not yours or the brides. I have a hard time imagining how to properly co-host a wedding, but this seems like a situation where the invite should read "Mr and Mrs Bride and Mr and Mrs Groom request the honor of your company at the marriage of their children..." The fact that you would be okay with it just saying "son of" shows youre not pushy. (MY FMIL forced us to add her name to the invite even though she is not contributing anything to the wedding.) You are acting like how my mother is - she wants to give the best day possible for her daughter even if daughter doesn't have enough money to achieve that vision, and will therefore contribute what she can to the day. What a wonderful blessing and gift, and I'm glad your FDIL has a mom like you. Now take a deep breath and stand up for your FDIL, because that's all you can do now. Don't be a bitch back to her mom though. Don't be the reason the relationship ends.
    Thank you so much for that! I am certainly taking the high road. My own mama taught me that much! I emailed MOB and told her that I will of course continue on in this wedding in a dignified and cordial way for the sake of our kids, but that I won't allow her to treat me like a door mat. But I also let her know that if no apology is coming, then she is choosing to throw away a 48 year friendship. Of course, even if she were to apologize, not much chance of us mending things to the point where they were. But at least it would be something, although I would keep my distance. Seriously, she is gonna be one sad and lonely old woman someday, and I do feel sorry for her miserable soul.
  • Honestly, I think you need to back off. It is rubbish that she is backing out of $3,000, but I agree with PP, you cannot spend other people's money. Also, you have no idea what her financial situation is. Even a best friend doesn't truly know what is going on in other people's finances, that is incredibly private. It seems petty to say that "she is doing this to be spiteful". She allegedly is your best friend, give her the benefit of the doubt.

    If your son and her daughter are old enough to get married, they are old enough to sort out their finances and their respective parents. I would be mortified if my mother was discussing my business with my FMIL. I'm an adult and can handle it. This isn't primary school play date arranging. 

    Frankly, this sounds like both of you are helicopter mothers gone wrong. I think it is time for your son and FDIL to step up and act like adults. So they don't have $3,000 now for the wedding, so what- welcome to adulthood, things happen. It is time for them to cut back on other things, such as just having a local honeymoon instead of going to Italy. Or getting a weekend job to pay for the other things. No one is entitled to "dream weddings".

    You have paid for your guests and make it clear to the B&G that your money was earmarked for this. He who pays gets a say, and if they do not want to include this then they have to decline your money. It is time for the bride and groom to sort out the other financial matters on their own, such as dealing with her mother. You are not part of this.

    But I do agree you have a point on the invitations. Just tell your son that you are cohosting and expect to be listed on the invitations as such. Then leave it.

    I think you should focus more on repairing a nearly half century friendship apart from the wedding than worrying about a party two other adults should be managing. Seems a shame to throw that away over a party.
  • Money...the root of all evil! 
  • I know this is a bit off-topic, but are the B&G really not paying for their own wedding rings? Is this normal? For some reason, I always assumed that that was one of the things that the B&G definitely paid for on their own. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't want to pick out jewelry to signify my marriage that was paid for by my parents.

    Are the B&G really young? Sounds like they were totally relying on both sets of parents for every last detail.

  • Okay...it seems like the moms are running the show. What do the bride and groom want? If they want the invitation a certain way - that is THEIR choice. Not their parents. Would it be rude if the parents are paying all this money and are not listed as hosts? YES - but that isn't up to YOU or her mom. It's not your wedding - it's theirs.

    And as far as her having to pay more money. To you, your son, her daughter, and EVERYONE on this board - DO NOT count on money until it is in your hands. I recently found out that I'll be getting a large gift (not wedding related) of cash from my grandparents. My initial thought was "oh, we can up the budget a little" and then I thought - NOOO - this means, when and if this money comes - we can either up the budget or cover the money that has been committed by family and not have to worry if any committed money shows up or not.

    And don't lose your best friend of so long over a wedding...especially one that involved your children getting married. This SHOULD be bringing the two of you closer together.
  • kmmssg said:
    Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

    I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing)
    Can someone explain to me how you can pay for a wedding but not host it?  Conversely, can you host a wedding but not pay for it?

    I'm confused.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    kmmssg said:
    Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

    I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing)
    Can someone explain to me how you can pay for a wedding but not host it?  Conversely, can you host a wedding but not pay for it?

    I'm confused.
    For wedding purposes, hosting means issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting guests at the wedding, answering their questions, and making sure their needs are tended to.  A person can be a silent contributor of funds (paying) without doing any of these functions.
  • Jen4948 said:
    kmmssg said:
    Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

    I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing)
    Can someone explain to me how you can pay for a wedding but not host it?  Conversely, can you host a wedding but not pay for it?

    I'm confused.
    For wedding purposes, hosting means issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting guests at the wedding, answering their questions, and making sure their needs are tended to.  A person can be a silent contributor of funds (paying) without doing any of these functions.
    Gotcha, thanks!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Awesome way to explain it Jen! My parents are contributing to our wedding -but kinda said "umm, yeah it's your wedding - we're just happy to help." We are including all parents via the words "and their families" because we don't feel the need to point out who's paying, who's divorced, married, around, etc. I know my parents won't be upset - as they don't plan to host, but to be there with whatever we need.
  • abbyj700 said:
    Awesome way to explain it Jen! My parents are contributing to our wedding -but kinda said "umm, yeah it's your wedding - we're just happy to help." We are including all parents via the words "and their families" because we don't feel the need to point out who's paying, who's divorced, married, around, etc. I know my parents won't be upset - as they don't plan to host, but to be there with whatever we need.
    Thanks!
  • I know this is a bit off-topic, but are the B&G really not paying for their own wedding rings? Is this normal? For some reason, I always assumed that that was one of the things that the B&G definitely paid for on their own. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't want to pick out jewelry to signify my marriage that was paid for by my parents.

    Are the B&G really young? Sounds like they were totally relying on both sets of parents for every last detail.

    NO, perhaps I miss wrote something. The are absolutely paying for their own wedding rings! They are 25 and 27 and they never would have splurged for this big wedding if her mom hadn't committed to the money, they would have planned something within their means. They are NOT relying on us, we are trying to gift them this wedding and they are very gracious about it.
  • abbyj700 said:
    Okay...it seems like the moms are running the show. What do the bride and groom want? If they want the invitation a certain way - that is THEIR choice. Not their parents. Would it be rude if the parents are paying all this money and are not listed as hosts? YES - but that isn't up to YOU or her mom. It's not your wedding - it's theirs.

    And as far as her having to pay more money. To you, your son, her daughter, and EVERYONE on this board - DO NOT count on money until it is in your hands. I recently found out that I'll be getting a large gift (not wedding related) of cash from my grandparents. My initial thought was "oh, we can up the budget a little" and then I thought - NOOO - this means, when and if this money comes - we can either up the budget or cover the money that has been committed by family and not have to worry if any committed money shows up or not.

    And don't lose your best friend of so long over a wedding...especially one that involved your children getting married. This SHOULD be bringing the two of you closer together.
    The bride is a very strong girl, used to dealing with her mother. It's just always a battle for her. I certainly am not running away with this wedding, please don't presume so. Its funny though, everyone says its "their wedding" and yet parents are often the one's paying. And if you pay, you get a say. Very conflicting information. But yes, in the end, FDIL and my son will likely purchase the invitations and put what they want, if only because MOB hasn't lifted a finger other than to say what she wants and doesn't want, and she doesn't want my name listed. And if she really doesn't even care, and something was misconstrued and her pride is in the way, she told her daughter she is not going to apologize, she never does. Yes, this should bring us together, but her true colors are coming out. I don't need friends like that. I probably hung onto this one longer than I should just because I thought it was sweet, and our children have been together so long. But she's not sweet and I'm no door mat.
  • phira said:
    I mean, I still would want to talk to the bride and groom because I sincerely have NO idea what's going on with THEIR wedding.
    Don't worry, they have their wedding under control, other than this last bit of funds for the payment to the reception. I just came here to vent about my lousy friend, not to imply that my kids are not responsible. Just last night, I told my son that if her mom doesn't come through, that he will have to step up and pay the 3k, that he cannot allow his girlfriend to be hurt by this, she has endured enough. You have to remember, they live in my house and I hear all that is going on. They are not children living with me, they are adults who have been on their own for a number of years, but asked us if they could move in for one year to save for a house. It's just my husband and I home now in a 5 bedroom house, so it was a no brainer.
  • Honestly, I think you need to back off. It is rubbish that she is backing out of $3,000, but I agree with PP, you cannot spend other people's money. Also, you have no idea what her financial situation is. Even a best friend doesn't truly know what is going on in other people's finances, that is incredibly private. It seems petty to say that "she is doing this to be spiteful". She allegedly is your best friend, give her the benefit of the doubt.

    If your son and her daughter are old enough to get married, they are old enough to sort out their finances and their respective parents. I would be mortified if my mother was discussing my business with my FMIL. I'm an adult and can handle it. This isn't primary school play date arranging. 

    Frankly, this sounds like both of you are helicopter mothers gone wrong. I think it is time for your son and FDIL to step up and act like adults. So they don't have $3,000 now for the wedding, so what- welcome to adulthood, things happen. It is time for them to cut back on other things, such as just having a local honeymoon instead of going to Italy. Or getting a weekend job to pay for the other things. No one is entitled to "dream weddings".

    You have paid for your guests and make it clear to the B&G that your money was earmarked for this. He who pays gets a say, and if they do not want to include this then they have to decline your money. It is time for the bride and groom to sort out the other financial matters on their own, such as dealing with her mother. You are not part of this.

    But I do agree you have a point on the invitations. Just tell your son that you are cohosting and expect to be listed on the invitations as such. Then leave it.

    I think you should focus more on repairing a nearly half century friendship apart from the wedding than worrying about a party two other adults should be managing. Seems a shame to throw that away over a party.
    Actually, I DO know her financial situation, she has been very open about it...what's in savings, how much in 401k, what her house is worth, what she makes each month, etc. Sorry, but don't presume to think your situation is anything like mine. I also know all her dirty little secrets too, and that she IS spiteful and vindictive. She has been a very needy friend, coming to me with many many things. It's just that I never thought she'd go so low as to hurt me.

    I am not managing their wedding, and I am NOT a helicopter mom. Quite rude of you to say so actually, just because I came here to vent. I have assisted in getting her deals on photographer, DJ, harp player, spanish guitar player, officiant because I have the connections to do so. I was in a band up until a few years ago so I have lots of contacts for these kinds of things and they are now giving me great discounts because they are my friends. Other than that, I have only offered to go along to vender visits when my son can't make it, or help her with any of her little crafty things because I have the time. It's what mom's do, it doesn't make them helicopter moms. I even hand-painted an invitation for her. FDIL and MOB loved it, then MOB changed her mind, asking me to create a whole new one. I told her no, I didn't have another 8 hours to do so, and to contract another artist if she still wanted a hand-painted invitation. The only issue I really had was having our names on the invitation, "son of...", a small request to make, as PP's seem to agree.
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