Vent! MOG & MOB (who are best friends) are in turmoil!

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

abbyj700 said:

Awesome way to explain it Jen! My parents are contributing to our wedding -but kinda said "umm, yeah it's your wedding - we're just happy to help." We are including all parents via the words "and their families" because we don't feel the need to point out who's paying, who's divorced, married, around, etc. I know my parents won't be upset - as they don't plan to host, but to be there with whatever we need.

I would have been happy for this much as well, and I know in reality on the day of, my husband and I will do our part in being pleasant hosts to the guests. But MOB really wanted something more formal, with only her and her divorced husband listed at the top. She's trying to create a situation that isn't real. I would have gone along with the pretense that she alone is hosting because I understand her. But I didn't think asking for "son of..." was too much

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kmmssg said:

Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing)
Can someone explain to me how you can pay for a wedding but not host it? Conversely, can you host a wedding but not pay for it?

I'm confused.

For wedding purposes, hosting means issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting guests at the wedding, answering their questions, and making sure their needs are tended to. A person can be a silent contributor of funds (paying) without doing any of these functions.

In this case we are co-hosting with the MOB, which wouldn't seem like a problem since we all know each others family and friends. But MOB is being prideful. It's too bad, it is so unnecessary. Pride and money, two big evils.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

marilynvalencia said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kmmssg said:

Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing)
Can someone explain to me how you can pay for a wedding but not host it? Conversely, can you host a wedding but not pay for it?

I'm confused.

For wedding purposes, hosting means issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting guests at the wedding, answering their questions, and making sure their needs are tended to. A person can be a silent contributor of funds (paying) without doing any of these functions.

In this case we are co-hosting with the MOB, which wouldn't seem like a problem since we all know each others family and friends. But MOB is being prideful. It's too bad, it is so unnecessary. Pride and money, two big evils.

Is that your main issue with the whole situation? That your friend refuses to add you to the invitation as a co-host? Or is there something else going on too which leads you to say in a PP that you have lost a friend?

If you are really just upset about not being listed on the invitation, I think you should think about what is more important to you in the long run- your friendship with this woman, which you have had for a long time, or having your name listed on an invitation.

The invitation will be quickly discarded by the guests, and honestly as a guest I never, ever, give a crap or notice who is hosting the wedding. In fact for the most part I know I am going to be invited to a wedding, so I just open the envelope and skip over all of the "Mr and Mrs Whomever request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Blah Blah to. . . . "

I look for dates, times, venue, and any other important info. . . like if there might be a gap, if I have meal choices to pick from, etc.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

kmmssg said:

marilynvalencia said:

My FI's family wasn't listed as hostesses on the wedding invitation, because, well, they're not hosting the wedding. Conversely, my mom wasn't listed on the rehearsal dinner invite, because she's not hosting that portion. It seems to me, however, that you're co-hosting this wedding, so you should be listed on the invite; I just don't think it's a blanket rule that needs to be extended to all families of differing circumstance.

Yes, you're probably right, and I probably shouldn't have said it was rude and insensitive, and I apologize. But sensitivity should certainly be used when considering the right way for an individual wedding invitation will be worded. IDK, I guess I just err on the side of "how can I make everyone happy" as opposed to "who's hosting this wedding anyway". I know it's "all about the bride", but as the mother of a groom who is very special to me, my first born, I wonder sometimes if MOB's even consider them...from all that I read. I mean I have a daughter too, and I will likely be planning her wedding in a few years, and I couldn't imagine not listing his parents name on the invite even though I don't know them, at least under his name, not as hosts of course, because they won't be hosting But giving honor where honor is due is just...kind. And I believe in being kind. I believe the grooms parents, the people who raised the man of my lil perrty girls dreams deserve some honor too

Hi there - I am a 4 time MOB - the last daughter goes down the aisle in June, hallelujah!

I have to touch on the invitation issue first because we get bride's in here all the time who have parents paying exclusively and 100% for the wedding (and hosting, because paying and hosting aren't always the same thing) and the groom's parents are throwing a fit about not being listed on the invitation. The invitation is issued by the hosts, period. It isn't a playbill of who is who - that is what the program is for. If the groom's parents aren't hosting at all they don't need to be listed and that is why the groom's full name is always used on invitations. It DOES appear that you are co-hosting so MOB is being ridiculous, but I wanted to put that out there. For the record, we do host our girls weddings and not once has our name been on an invitation because they have chosen something like "Together with our parents..."

Has MOB always been like this towards her DD? Is this new behavior from your BF?

YES, she's always been like this towards her daughter. She says and does stuff when no one is listening, but I hear about it, and then I have heard conversations when she thinks no one is listening. She even asks her daughter, before going off on a rant, "is anyone there, do you have me on speaker?"

It is one of my pet peeve's when parents promise money for a wedding, plans are made, it gets close to the wedding and Boom! They change their mind. If something happened that is one thing, but to change your mind is another. I am going to caution you very strongly to not make judgments on whether she can afford this or not. If there is a financial crisis in my home my BFF does NOT know about it.

She has told her daughter that she has the money, but that she just doesn't want to spend it on the wedding now. She says she wants to throw her a shower (Aunt is already throwing one) She said "because everything isn't about YOU, the shower is about ME, it's something for ME!" yelling this at her in a nasty tone...

The bottom line is you have fronted the money for all of your guests and then some. They should not be cut. If MOB wants to reduce expenses and her contribution she needs to cut her guests, not yours or the couples.

I think the bottom line here is that the bride needs to have a sit down with her mom. Since mom is paying, mom get to control (if she wishes) what her money goes for. The bride needs to keep that in mind. She needs to get you out of the middle and deal with her mother - if she is old enough to get married, she needs to start handling her side of the family.

Yes, she has tried that many times, it just turns into a one sided yelling match, while bride tried calmly to be heard. She is respectful, but firm, but there's just no talking to her mother. So she just goes on planning things without her when she can. There's a love there, I know there is, but her mom just doesn't know how to show love. It's probably why she's been divorced and single for over 20 years.

She needs to explain to her mother that your guests are not being cut because you have paid for them. Who is buying the invitations? I can see where this is going to be a point of contention. If MOB is buying them she can order them however she wants. Since you are cohosting you should be listed, but if she really is vindictive, what will she do? Maybe the bride and groom need to cover that expense?

Yes, I think you are right, the bride and groom will have to purchase the invites themselves, and if MOB doesn't like the wording, she will have to deal with it in whatever way she can. I DO know her mother won't miss the wedding, she has that much of a soul. She will just be mad at her daughter, which is nothing new.

I have to get to work now but 2 of my girls are stepdd's. One of them came to me and wanted me rather than her mother to plan her wedding with her for a variety of reasons. I had a tearful bride call me many times about her mother's truly insane demands. My husband and I decided that whatever we needed to do to keep our girl happy and not in the middle of her mother and us would be our priority. If the invitations come out without your name, let it go and let your FDIL know that all is well and you are ok with it. That is one less battle she will feel like she has to fight.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. And yes, I agree.

I don't think you should cut your guest list but the couple has to make that clear to MOB. It really seems to me that they should order and handle the invitations here since MOB wants to be listed exclusively and she wants your guests cut.

FDIL needs to grow a backbone with her mother while being grateful for the money being spent on the wedding. It will be a delicate balancing act.

Good luck to all of you.

SP29 · February 2014

Yes, he who pays gets a say. So if MOB is paying for the invites, she technically gets to put on what she wants. If son and FDIL don't like this, they should purchase the invites with what they want on them.

I don't think you should have to cut your guest list if the money you gave to your son and FDIL covers these guests.

It's pretty crummy when a parent promises money then takes it back. Of course you should never count on money until its in one's hot little hands, but when its your parent, there is a level of trust there.

Do you want to be friends with this woman? If you do, I would stop talking wedding with her. Let FDIL deal with her about the wedding, and you deal with them only. If she continues to make demands you don't like, she gives those to her daughter, they tell you, you tell them what you think- they make the decision.

If you want to be her friend, trying talking to her the way you would have if there were no wedding. If you don't want to be friends, let it all go.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

SP29 said:

Yes, he who pays gets a say. So if MOB is paying for the invites, she technically gets to put on what she wants. If son and FDIL don't like this, they should purchase the invites with what they want on them.

I don't think you should have to cut your guest list if the money you gave to your son and FDIL covers these guests.

It's pretty crummy when a parent promises money then takes it back. Of course you should never count on money until its in one's hot little hands, but when its your parent, there is a level of trust there.

Do you want to be friends with this woman? If you do, I would stop talking wedding with her. Let FDIL deal with her about the wedding, and you deal with them only. If she continues to make demands you don't like, she gives those to her daughter, they tell you, you tell them what you think- they make the decision.

If you want to be her friend, trying talking to her the way you would have if there were no wedding. If you don't want to be friends, let it all go.

Good advice about going through the kids from now on. Who woulda thought that would be necessary with your best friend, huh? And yeah, one would think you could trust your own parents. I never thought the wedding would be an issue, I thought that was gonna come when grandchildren came along.

At this point, I don't think there's much of a friendship, because this one has taken a tole on me, probably hasn't been much of a friendship in a long time. It's been pretty much one sided on my part, because I value my friendships. When she talks about the few others she has, or co-workers, all she does is rag on them. In the last few years I've started to realize...that she's probably doing this about me to them. I will never completely alienate her for the sake of her FDIL, but she won't be someone I'll invite along for Mother's Day or Christmas dinner, and certainly not meeting for drinks! Someday, when we have a house warming (hubby and I want to downsize), or a birthday party, she won't get the invite, and she'll know.

singinchick13 · February 2014

So let me ask you this, you say you are unhappy not being listed on the invitation....would you be unhappy if they used "together with their families"? I ask because it is not a common practice to list the groom's parents unless they are hosts. In our situation, FI and I are the same ages as your son and FDIL and receiving comparable gifts toward the cost of our wedding by both sides of our families. However, no parents will be receiving replies or engaging in any hosting activities, and they have made it clear they will likely not even make speeches at the reception. For this reason, and divorced/deceased parental reasons, we will not be listing any parents on our invites. They do not want or need to be listed, and it certainly will not affect our guests' ability to recognize who the invitation is from.

AguaEau · February 2014

You seem to think very poorly of this woman - you mentioned how she's hurtful to her daughter, mean, vindictive, irresponsible, etc. Why on earth do you consider her your best friend?

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

singinchick13 said:

So let me ask you this, you say you are unhappy not being listed on the invitation....would you be unhappy if they used "together with their families"? I ask because it is not a common practice to list the groom's parents unless they are hosts. In our situation, FI and I are the same ages as your son and FDIL and receiving comparable gifts toward the cost of our wedding by both sides of our families. However, no parents will be receiving replies or engaging in any hosting activities, and they have made it clear they will likely not even make speeches at the reception. For this reason, and divorced/deceased parental reasons, we will not be listing any parents on our invites. They do not want or need to be listed, and it certainly will not affect our guests' ability to recognize who the invitation is from.

I have no problem with this wording and I think it works perfectly for our situation! But I wanted the MOB to feel special by listing her name at the top, because she can be a bit old fashioned at times. Although, my husband is from a Hispanic family (we throw lots of parties) and certain traditions are important, so speeches will likely be given. FDIL's father is Italian, and I would imagine he will want to say something as well. MOB and I are typical European American mixes. Although our kids are certainly of age to host their own wedding, the two families come from a very patriarchal culture and I'm sure that will be felt at the wedding...in a nice way

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

AguaEau said:

You seem to think very poorly of this woman - you mentioned how she's hurtful to her daughter, mean, vindictive, irresponsible, etc. Why on earth do you consider her your best friend?

As I told a friend last year (when she was pulling crap), she is not always the "best" friend, but she certainly is my "longest" friend. But yes, I am asking myself this same question, and I guess it took the wedding to finally see that I need to filter her out of my life.

abbyj700 · February 2014

If they don't want the FMIL to have a say - they need to tell her her money is not needed. Period. It sounds like all her money and input is doing is causing a fight.

And they need to plan their own wedding and not talk wedding with the mothers. It's causing an issue. I know that might hurt your feelings -but if you're this upset - can you imagine how this must make both the bride and groom feel?

And you can't cut your son's MIL out of your life. What happens when they have kids? Parties at their home? Holidays? You don't have to be her best friend - but at this point "filtering her out" is not an option.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Is that your main issue with the whole situation? That your friend refuses to add you to the invitation as a co-host? Or is there something else going on too which leads you to say in a PP that you have lost a friend?

If you are really just upset about not being listed on the invitation, I think you should think about what is more important to you in the long run- your friendship with this woman, which you have had for a long time, or having your name listed on an invitation.

The invitation will be quickly discarded by the guests, and honestly as a guest I never, ever, give a crap or notice who is hosting the wedding. In fact for the most part I know I am going to be invited to a wedding, so I just open the envelope and skip over all of the "Mr and Mrs Whomever request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Blah Blah to. . . . "

I look for dates, times, venue, and any other important info. . . like if there might be a gap, if I have meal choices to pick from, etc.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

abbyj700 said:

If they don't want the FMIL to have a say - they need to tell her her money is not needed. Period. It sounds like all her money and input is doing is causing a fight.

And they need to plan their own wedding and not talk wedding with the mothers. It's causing an issue. I know that might hurt your feelings -but if you're this upset - can you imagine how this must make both the bride and groom feel?

And you can't cut your son's MIL out of your life. What happens when they have kids? Parties at their home? Holidays? You don't have to be her best friend - but at this point "filtering her out" is not an option.

No one is making it a fight other than MOB, the rest of us sit here with our mouths hanging open at her behavior, wondering how we can make this right. The bride and groom have known for a long time that MOB is delusional...their word. Please, just because I vented about the situation, don't assume that the bride and groom aren't capable of figuring out how to move forward, or that my husband and I aren't willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the peace.

I have hardly talked to FDIL about the wedding plans other than to say I'm here to help if you need me, or "hey, I have a friend who plays the spanish guitar. Would you like to see if he can come play during the cocktail hour in the barrel room at the winery!" FDIL says "cool, send me his contact information", and I do. She made all contacts and deposits herself. This happened with the DJ, officiant, photographer, and harp player for the ceremony. They picked the style (which MOB doesn't like), picked their own flowers, their own cake. The only things left are the little personal decor items for the reception, most of which are already decided on by the bride, and every one of them her mom wants to change, as well as the whole theme of the wedding! It's ludicrous! I don't battle these things, I am only on here conveying the problems poor FDIL is going through.

I didn't mean I would filter MOB out and never include her any any "joint family" things, but most in-laws don't get invited to every family function. If I have a BBQ or Mother's day brunch at my house, I am not obligated to invite her just because there are grandkids. My mom certainly never felt entitled when my own MIL has a family function. FDIL and my son are perfectly capable of deciding how to spend their day and when they can make time for the other mother, if it can't be split between the two in one day.

Instead what I meant is I will filter her out as one of my good friends. She will be...an acquaintance, lol. Okay, not funny, but I think you know what I mean. Sometimes one just has to protect themselves.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

abbyj700 said:

And they need to plan their own wedding and not talk wedding with the mothers.

See, it's this part that contradicts what everyone says. If mother's are paying, they get a say! Right? And here you say they should plan their own weddings. It can't be both ways.

The problem in our situation is MOB never showed an interest for the first 8 months of planning other than to agree to the venue and its costs. Bride sent her lots and lots of photos, created a Pinterest group for mothers and MOH's...all so we could see what she's thinking about doing. MOB is the only one not on there! She never responded to her emails, said she was too busy! So FDIL decides on a style and colors and all the goodies, and NOW...MOB steps up saying "oh no no no, I don't like purple, you MUST use green!" Well fortunately FDIL DOES have a spine, and is standing her ground. But still, it's just odd. I mean...does MOB still get a say? Of course not!

abbyj700 · February 2014

Alright - agreed - if you are paying, you should have a say. But this poor couple... :-( They just want to be together, and married...have a happy wedding - and it's just turning into all kinds of crazy.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is that your main issue with the whole situation? That your friend refuses to add you to the invitation as a co-host? Or is there something else going on too which leads you to say in a PP that you have lost a friend?

If you are really just upset about not being listed on the invitation, I think you should think about what is more important to you in the long run- your friendship with this woman, which you have had for a long time, or having your name listed on an invitation.

The invitation will be quickly discarded by the guests, and honestly as a guest I never, ever, give a crap or notice who is hosting the wedding. In fact for the most part I know I am going to be invited to a wedding, so I just open the envelope and skip over all of the "Mr and Mrs Whomever request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Blah Blah to. . . . "

I look for dates, times, venue, and any other important info. . . like if there might be a gap, if I have meal choices to pick from, etc.

That is a good question! No, this isn't about having my name on the invitation, I would have been willing to talk to her about that, find some common ground, or even completely acquiesce if necessary! It goes much deeper than that. It's her behavior towards me since I shared with her how I would like to see the wording, because I was asked to hand paint the invitation. I never even dreamed she'd have a problem, just as I now know FDIL and son don't either. Our families have been intertwined for a very long time, we grew up as neighbors, even my mom is friends with HER mom, although they live farther apart now and only see each other every few years. But now she isn't even speaking to me! She is not returning ANY of my heartfelt emails and pleas to please talk about this with me and tell me what's going on with her. She even told her daughter that she will NOT speak to me, not return my emails, and will never apologize! I'm half tempted to drive an hour to her house, wait for her to get home from work and shake her by the ears! But I don't think it would do any good, she is prideful and stubborn.

abbyj700 · February 2014

Maybe you should drive there - as a concerned friend. To talk to her about HER and see what is wrong. She's taking money away from her daughters wedding, she now has an opinion on the wedding when she didn't, she's wrecking friendships of 40+ years - if that doesn't sound like signs of something else being wrong I don't know what does.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

abbyj700 said:

Alright - agreed - if you are paying, you should have a say. But this poor couple... :-( They just want to be together, and married...have a happy wedding - and it's just turning into all kinds of crazy.

I know, and I'm sad. But that's why I came here to vent because I don't want to say all this in front of this sweet girl. I don't want any more pressure on her than she already has from her own mother.

Like this weekend for instance, the four of us (both moms and bride and groom) were supposed to go down to the venue for food and wine tasting. Sure, they can go alone, but they know we are foodies and it would have been a fun experience to share...wine tasting, food, mmm

. I don't know what to do at this point. I am willing to stay at home if it makes it easier for them, but I think they kinda want me there. And when she mentioned it to her mom, her mom just says "Uggghhh!" So I have told them both that I will endure this wine & food fest with her mom if they want me to, and who knows, if her mom knows I'm going, maybe she'll back out? Or I will just not go if her mom refuses to go if I'm there. Either way works for me.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

marilynvalencia said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is that your main issue with the whole situation? That your friend refuses to add you to the invitation as a co-host? Or is there something else going on too which leads you to say in a PP that you have lost a friend?

If you are really just upset about not being listed on the invitation, I think you should think about what is more important to you in the long run- your friendship with this woman, which you have had for a long time, or having your name listed on an invitation.

The invitation will be quickly discarded by the guests, and honestly as a guest I never, ever, give a crap or notice who is hosting the wedding. In fact for the most part I know I am going to be invited to a wedding, so I just open the envelope and skip over all of the "Mr and Mrs Whomever request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Blah Blah to. . . . "

I look for dates, times, venue, and any other important info. . . like if there might be a gap, if I have meal choices to pick from, etc.

That is a good question! No, this isn't about having my name on the invitation, I would have been willing to talk to her about that, find some common ground, or even completely acquiesce if necessary! It goes much deeper than that. It's her behavior towards me since I shared with her how I would like to see the wording, because I was asked to hand paint the invitation. I never even dreamed she'd have a problem, just as I now know FDIL and son don't either. Our families have been intertwined for a very long time, we grew up as neighbors, even my mom is friends with HER mom, although they live farther apart now and only see each other every few years. But now she isn't even speaking to me! She is not returning ANY of my heartfelt emails and pleas to please talk about this with me and tell me what's going on with her. She even told her daughter that she will NOT speak to me, not return my emails, and will never apologize! I'm half tempted to drive an hour to her house, wait for her to get home from work and shake her by the ears! But I don't think it would do any good, she is prideful and stubborn.

Holy crap, that is awful. Do you have any idea why she might have acted in such an extreme way after your request?

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

abbyj700 said:

Maybe you should drive there - as a concerned friend. To talk to her about HER and see what is wrong. She's taking money away from her daughters wedding, she now has an opinion on the wedding when she didn't, she's wrecking friendships of 40+ years - if that doesn't sound like signs of something else being wrong I don't know what does.

I know...and I've said this all in emails and she's refusing to respond. But she feels guilty now I'm sure, and jealous, and disappointed in her life's choices. She likes to blame other people, always has. I just fear she's so angry right now she would probably slam the door on me and call the cops. I think I need to let her have some time to cool off.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

marilynvalencia said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is that your main issue with the whole situation? That your friend refuses to add you to the invitation as a co-host? Or is there something else going on too which leads you to say in a PP that you have lost a friend?

If you are really just upset about not being listed on the invitation, I think you should think about what is more important to you in the long run- your friendship with this woman, which you have had for a long time, or having your name listed on an invitation.

The invitation will be quickly discarded by the guests, and honestly as a guest I never, ever, give a crap or notice who is hosting the wedding. In fact for the most part I know I am going to be invited to a wedding, so I just open the envelope and skip over all of the "Mr and Mrs Whomever request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Blah Blah to. . . . "

I look for dates, times, venue, and any other important info. . . like if there might be a gap, if I have meal choices to pick from, etc.

That is a good question! No, this isn't about having my name on the invitation, I would have been willing to talk to her about that, find some common ground, or even completely acquiesce if necessary! It goes much deeper than that. It's her behavior towards me since I shared with her how I would like to see the wording, because I was asked to hand paint the invitation. I never even dreamed she'd have a problem, just as I now know FDIL and son don't either. Our families have been intertwined for a very long time, we grew up as neighbors, even my mom is friends with HER mom, although they live farther apart now and only see each other every few years. But now she isn't even speaking to me! She is not returning ANY of my heartfelt emails and pleas to please talk about this with me and tell me what's going on with her. She even told her daughter that she will NOT speak to me, not return my emails, and will never apologize! I'm half tempted to drive an hour to her house, wait for her to get home from work and shake her by the ears! But I don't think it would do any good, she is prideful and stubborn.

Holy crap, that is awful. Do you have any idea why she might have acted in such an extreme way after your request?

Pride? She wants to give the pretense that she alone is giving her daughter this really nice wedding? Jealous? Jealous that our family is close, that our kids love being with us, and her one and only daughter can't really stand to be around her? IDK, maybe the realization that her daughter is officially leaving her (she moved out years ago), that her life is crap, and its all just getting to her.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

OMG, poor FDIL just got an email from her mom essentially saying that "since I am no longer giving you the extra money, have you decide if you're gonna change venues? If so, would you like to go look at new venues this weekend????"

Seriously?? Honestly, I think she's hoping hubby and I will kick in the additional 3K, probably thinks we should. But can you even imagine a MOB asking her daughter to suddenly start RE-looking at venues 3 months out from their wedding date? Like its no big deal? Well not in southern California it's not! I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to change the venue to something that costs just as much, just to be controlling.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Maybe your son and FDIL need to just plan for their wedding without any financial contribution from her, so she has to stop trying to use her money to jerk them around.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

Maybe your son and FDIL need to just plan for their wedding without any financial contribution from her, so she has to stop trying to use her money to jerk them around.

Yes, I agree, but at this point, they don't have 12-13 grand, so they would have to change their venue, forfeiting their deposit. FDIL is trying to get her mom to at least commit to 11-12k, saying she'll pick up everything else that's left. They really don't want to have to dip into their home savings account, something we all really wanted them to have.

singinchick13 · February 2014

Realistically they cannot rely on any money from her, it seems. They should use whatever money they can physically produce themselves and from others, in their hands, from this point forward. There is no way to stop this woman from having a detrimental effect on their wedding if they continue to rely on her contribution. It would be unfortunate to dip into their fund, yes, but it would also suck to change their date three months out. The decision is which is more important to them?

Jen4948 · February 2014

marilynvalencia said:

Jen4948 said:

Maybe your son and FDIL need to just plan for their wedding without any financial contribution from her, so she has to stop trying to use her money to jerk them around.

Yes, I agree, but at this point, they don't have 12-13 grand, so they would have to change their venue, forfeiting their deposit. FDIL is trying to get her mom to at least commit to 11-12k, saying she'll pick up everything else that's left. They really don't want to have to dip into their home savings account, something we all really wanted them to have.

Looks like her mother isn't giving them any choice.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

singinchick13 said:

Realistically they cannot rely on any money from her, it seems. They should use whatever money they can physically produce themselves and from others, in their hands, from this point forward. There is no way to stop this woman from having a detrimental effect on their wedding if they continue to rely on her contribution. It would be unfortunate to dip into their fund, yes, but it would also suck to change their date three months out. The decision is which is more important to them?

I totally agree.

phira · February 2014

My comments have mostly been short and vague because I'm trying to point out that the bride and groom need to be making this call.

Contribute as much as you were going to contribute, say to your son and future daughter-in-law, "Use it however you want, sorry you're dealing with this stress," and back off. If it's their wedding, then they get to decide what the invitations say; if they're pressured by the bride's mother into excluding your name from the invitation, then ... so what?

Look, regardless of whether or not the mother of the bride is being unreasonable and unreliable, your son and future daughter-in-law have to make their own decisions. What's making it harder is having a mother of the groom who is adding to the drama because she's angry with her friend.

You can't control your friend's behavior. Just like weddings can make some of the most level-headed women into bridezillas, they can make the most level-headed women into momzillas. Whether or not all of us here agree with you about your friend's behavior being wrong or unhelpful or inappropriate or unreliable, it really just sounds like for the sake of your son and future daughter-in-law's sanity, you need to back away from the situation.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb · February 2014

phira said:

My comments have mostly been short and vague because I'm trying to point out that the bride and groom need to be making this call.

Contribute as much as you were going to contribute, say to your son and future daughter-in-law, "Use it however you want, sorry you're dealing with this stress," and back off. If it's their wedding, then they get to decide what the invitations say; if they're pressured by the bride's mother into excluding your name from the invitation, then ... so what?

Look, regardless of whether or not the mother of the bride is being unreasonable and unreliable, your son and future daughter-in-law have to make their own decisions. What's making it harder is having a mother of the groom who is adding to the drama because she's angry with her friend.

You can't control your friend's behavior. Just like weddings can make some of the most level-headed women into bridezillas, they can make the most level-headed women into momzillas. Whether or not all of us here agree with you about your friend's behavior being wrong or unhelpful or inappropriate or unreliable, it really just sounds like for the sake of your son and future daughter-in-law's sanity, you need to back away from the situation.

Thanks, you can rest assured, the kids are handling it on their own. But I thought I pretty much explained that I was only coming HERE to vent, so I wouldn't add stress to the kids. It's really not nice to accuse me of "adding to the drama" and "making it harder", when I am not! Hurtful words considering all I have gone through.

And then we go back to the "so what?" about the invitation. Again, more of the conflicting information. It's "their wedding", "he who pays has a say". Pshh. smh

You know, from the way you sound, you don't think mothers should be on this site at all...

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