I have no idea how to approach this.......

mrs4everhart · February 2014

So FI and I were discussing the likelihood of his awful stepdad creating any number of crappy scenarios at our DW in Mexico. I voiced my biggest concern - that his stepdad is going to try to show off for the group (of whom he's liable to know no one other than his wife) to try to be the center of attention (like he usually does) and to try to gain popularity with the group by picking stupid fights with FI, or worse, by insulting him publicly. Our friends, and my family in particular, WILL NOT put up with this type of behavior from him and will likely tell the guy off, especially once the tequila is flowing. Although he'd be fully deserving of being told off, the outcome would likely have an obvious chilling effect on the overall group dynamic and any group outings we may plan will be hella awkward and then there's liable to be at least a day or two of social discomfort within the group. We don't care that people would treat FSFIL like a lamp shade if he acts a fool, but this would trickle down to FI's mother as well. Part of me thinks that's her issue since she chooses to be married to an ass but all the same it would just be better for everyone if we could all get along, particularly in light of the fact that we're all vacationing together.

FI thinks a pre-travel conversation with his mother may be in order (along the lines of "please keep your husband in line for the sake of the peace") but my thought is that she hasn't been able to accomplish that in the 20+ years of their marriage to the detriment of her relationship with her only son, her stepchildren and her own siblings! I also think FSFIL will take any type of "warning" about his typical behavior (which I'm sure he sees nothing wrong with at all) as an outright challenge to really out-do himself. I'm not necessarily in favor of trying to modify another adult's behavior, but this guy is something else, trust me. FI thinks if I have the conversation with his mother it may be taken more seriously or be more well received. I have no problem speaking my mind, so I'm not feeling like I need to bounce the ball back in his court like, "your parents, you have the conversation" - I just don't know what I could possibly say to the woman that could encompass: keep your POS husband on a leash or suffer the consequences of being completely ostracized at your only child's wedding, politely! Anyone deal with anything similar, how was the talk received and did it have the desired result?

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

Yea, so my guess is that telling any adult how to act (or how their husband should act) isn't going to end well. I would be insulted if you told me how to act. Maybe others disagree with me, but I think it is a bad idea and rude.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

Telling an adult how to act in certain situations is rude. If he acts like an ass and gets told off by people that he doesn't know well then so be it. But you and your H will just look like bigger asses trying to "control" his behavior by having a conversation with him like he is a five year old.

tammym1001 · February 2014

Children need to be told how to behave before they go places where it wouldn't be acceptable to act up. Adults do not need to be told how to behave before they go places where it wouldn't be acceptable to act up.

I'm going to be honest with you, if my future daughter in law came to me and told me to "control" my husband while we were at her wedding it would affect our entire relationship. If your FI doesn't want to address this with his own parents then he needs to deal with whatever happens. Putting it off on you isn't fair and it's going to hurt your relationship with his parents.

delujm0 · February 2014

Just ignore him when he starts acting like an idiot. It will make you and your H look like mature adults, and make his father look like a child. People that act that way just want attention - so don't give it to him. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him at this point.

Jen4948 · February 2014

I don't think his speaking to his mother will accomplish anything.

I'd have security on hand to escort his stepfather out if he says or does anything that can't be ignored or laughed off, and ignore or laugh off anything that can.

MairePoppy · February 2014

It seems unlikely that your FMIL will be able to make him 'behave,' so why bother talking to her about it? Don't give the ass the attention he wants. Let your family members and friends know the guy hates being ignored and that's exactly what they should do if he acts up.

I ditto Jen4948's suggestion about hiring security. Your guests shouldn't have to deal with him.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Actions have consequences; if your action is to be a douche-canoe, the consequence is that you will be ostracised. That's how it works.

Don't have your H have a conversation with him.

STBMrsEverhart said: I just don't know what I could possibly say to the woman that could encompass: keep your POS husband on a leash or suffer the consequences of being completely ostracized at your only child's wedding, politely! Anyone deal with anything similar, how was the talk received and did it have the desired result?

As to the bolded -- that's not really the case, though, is it?

I believe it's called irony when someone worries about someone else's rudeness when the first person is being rude in the first place.

artbyallie · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Actions have consequences; if your action is to be a douche-canoe, the consequence is that you will be ostracised. That's how it works.

Don't have your H have a conversation with him.
show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said: I just don't know what I could possibly say to the woman that could encompass: keep your POS husband on a leash or suffer the consequences of being completely ostracized at your only child's wedding, politely! Anyone deal with anything similar, how was the talk received and did it have the desired result?

As to the bolded -- that's not really the case, though, is it?

I believe it's called irony when someone worries about someone else's rudeness when the first person is being rude in the first place.

See, I was sitting here thinking that all STB's problems could be solved by not having a pretend wedding in Mexico at all.

sarahufl · February 2014

artbyallie said:

show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Actions have consequences; if your action is to be a douche-canoe, the consequence is that you will be ostracised. That's how it works.

Don't have your H have a conversation with him.

STBMrsEverhart said: I just don't know what I could possibly say to the woman that could encompass: keep your POS husband on a leash or suffer the consequences of being completely ostracized at your only child's wedding, politely! Anyone deal with anything similar, how was the talk received and did it have the desired result?

As to the bolded -- that's not really the case, though, is it?

I believe it's called irony when someone worries about someone else's rudeness when the first person is being rude in the first place.

See, I was sitting here thinking that all STB's problems could be solved by not having a pretend wedding in Mexico at all.

Had the same exact thought. Why the hassle?

MobKaz · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Actions have consequences; if your action is to be a douche-canoe, the consequence is that you will be ostracised. That's how it works.

Don't have your H have a conversation with him.
show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said: I just don't know what I could possibly say to the woman that could encompass: keep your POS husband on a leash or suffer the consequences of being completely ostracized at your only child's wedding, politely! Anyone deal with anything similar, how was the talk received and did it have the desired result?

As to the bolded -- that's not really the case, though, is it?

I believe it's called irony when someone worries about someone else's rudeness when the first person is being rude in the first place.

I was going to suggest that she inform him she is already married, and has been for months. He would probably appreciate the heads up, and decline attendance. It would be a win-win for a rude-rude.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

I never have believed having a conversation with either of them would be the best route, but I was hoping someone out there might have had a magic pill..... I've always felt we would have to let this play out on its own. FI wants to try to avoid his mother becoming a victim of the blacklisting that will occur once her husband does or says something completely offensive. I'll be a monkey's uncle if it doesn't, it's damn near inevitable. I'm sure he felt obligated to invite her and that he's going to feel bad for her when everyone else treats them as nonexistent bc of his stepdad's antics. I plan to keep my fingers crossed that he actually acts like a respectable adult, miracles do happen on occasion. I feel bad disappointing my FI by declining to have this conversation but I don't think anything I could say would have the desired outcome.

I will definitely be checking out the security situation when we're down there, it may be the best bet. Really, I just hope they decline and we dodge the bullet altogether.

And no, @HisGirlFriday13, I'm not seeing the irony at all because at its core it's not the rude one that has either of us concerned. It's the effect on the mother that worries us, and she's not rude at all. In fact, she cowardly, demure and submissive to an absolute monster. The end result of a situation like what we fear will upset his mother and that's the real shame. And to your bolded - it's the best she's getting, so I hope her d-bag husband doesn't wreck it for her.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

I never have believed having a conversation with either of them would be the best route, but I was hoping someone out there might have had a magic pill..... I've always felt we would have to let this play out on its own. FI wants to try to avoid his mother becoming a victim of the blacklisting that will occur once her husband does or says something completely offensive. I'll be a monkey's uncle if it doesn't, it's damn near inevitable. I'm sure he felt obligated to invite her and that he's going to feel bad for her when everyone else treats them as nonexistent bc of his stepdad's antics. I plan to keep my fingers crossed that he actually acts like a respectable adult, miracles do happen on occasion. I feel bad disappointing my FI by declining to have this conversation but I don't think anything I could say would have the desired outcome.

I will definitely be checking out the security situation when we're down there, it may be the best bet. Really, I just hope they decline and we dodge the bullet altogether.

And no, @HisGirlFriday13, I'm not seeing the irony at all because at its core it's not the rude one that has either of us concerned. It's the effect on the mother that worries us, and she's not rude at all. In fact, she cowardly, demure and submissive to an absolute monster. The end result of a situation like what we fear will upset his mother and that's the real shame. And to your bolded - it's the best she's getting, so I hope her d-bag husband doesn't wreck it for her.

At least you admit it's a poor facsimile.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

I never have believed having a conversation with either of them would be the best route, but I was hoping someone out there might have had a magic pill..... I've always felt we would have to let this play out on its own. FI wants to try to avoid his mother becoming a victim of the blacklisting that will occur once her husband does or says something completely offensive. I'll be a monkey's uncle if it doesn't, it's damn near inevitable. I'm sure he felt obligated to invite her and that he's going to feel bad for her when everyone else treats them as nonexistent bc of his stepdad's antics. I plan to keep my fingers crossed that he actually acts like a respectable adult, miracles do happen on occasion. I feel bad disappointing my FI by declining to have this conversation but I don't think anything I could say would have the desired outcome.

I will definitely be checking out the security situation when we're down there, it may be the best bet. Really, I just hope they decline and we dodge the bullet altogether.

And no, @HisGirlFriday13, I'm not seeing the irony at all because at its core it's not the rude one that has either of us concerned. It's the effect on the mother that worries us, and she's not rude at all. In fact, she cowardly, demure and submissive to an absolute monster. The end result of a situation like what we fear will upset his mother and that's the real shame. And to your bolded - it's the best she's getting, so I hope her d-bag husband doesn't wreck it for her.

At least you admit it's a poor facsimile.

I wouldn't go that far, but the facts surrounding the legal status before, during and after 9.13 really have zero to do with our issue of a huge dickbag making a fool of himself and my probably telling him to shut the fuck up (and ways to try to avoid all that). She only has one blood child (FI) and however he decides to get hitched is the only wedding she'll be witnessing. His two stepsisters have nothing to do with their father, which isn't surprising, so she won't be attending any of their weddings should they ever occur. It's pretty unanimous, no one likes this guy.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

MobKaz · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

I wonder what would be worse for the MIL? Being ostracized for her husbands behavior, or being ostracized for her son's lies?

mrs4everhart · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

I don't remember asking for sympathy. I was actually looking for anyone's input who had similar experiences. Sympathy isn't going to help sort out FSFIL should he, I don't know, bring up during dinner one night how FI's brutally murdered cousin was just a whore who met her miserable fate because she was "asking for it" (one of his favorite off colored topics) or maybe about how he emotionally manipulated his daughters as children while purposely tormenting FI (another topic he thinks is a chuckle a minute). I was hoping some woman (or man) on here had some advice based on their similar personal experiences along the lines of, "oh, I pulled my so-and-so aside and said XYZ. It had this type of effect." Absent that, I appreciate some of the other feedback directly related to the topic I received.

We're certainly not canceling our plans because this guy can't act right in public. Wouldn't that just be his cherry on top? Besides, if we had a wedding here they'd still have to travel (further actually, and definitely for more money). There'd still be events he'd be vying for (the wrong kind of) attention at depending on how far in advance they arrived. This particular problem isn't with the venue, or with us, it's with this guy and him alone.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

mobkaz said:

show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

I wonder what would be worse for the MIL? Being ostracized for her husbands behavior, or being ostracized for her son's lies?

Huh? By whom and for what purpose? I'm super not in the mood for a lengthy debate about the moral implications of truth vs. omission, but anyone holding her responsible for her adult son's decisions - that's a real long shot and just a strange attempt at what I'm not sure.

MobKaz · February 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

mobkaz said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

I wonder what would be worse for the MIL? Being ostracized for her husbands behavior, or being ostracized for her son's lies?

Huh? By whom and for what purpose? I'm super not in the mood for a lengthy debate about the moral implications of truth vs. omission, lie, but anyone holding her responsible for her adult son's decisions - that's a real long shot and just a strange attempt at what I'm not sure.

FTFY

sarahufl · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

Agreed. Seems like you want to avoid wedding drama and this seems like the way to do it.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

mobkaz said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

mobkaz said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

I wonder what would be worse for the MIL? Being ostracized for her husbands behavior, or being ostracized for her son's lies?

Huh? By whom and for what purpose? I'm super not in the mood for a lengthy debate about the moral implications of truth vs. omission, lie, but anyone holding her responsible for her adult son's decisions - that's a real long shot and just a strange attempt at what I'm not sure.

FTFY

Not necessary. But you could have answered the question instead. Don't bother now, it was a really stupid comment, I doubt I want to hear what you meant.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

sarahufl said:

show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

Agreed. Seems like you want to avoid wedding drama and this seems like the way to do it.

Oh, hell to the no! We'd like to head off drama that could arise as much as possible, but canceling our wedding? LMFAO! That's not even a remote possibility! If FSFIL creates an issue that reflects poorly on himself and his wife, that's on him. If there was something we could say or do ahead of time we would, but I think we're all in agreement here that we can't pre-admonish his near guaranteed behavior because he's an adult. Maybe a crystal clear ocean and warm trade winds will sooth his savage soul? Otherwise, I'll just plan on beating everyone to the punch and telling this guy where to go and how to get there in a private conversation myself! :-)

MobKaz · February 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

sarahufl said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't disagree that your FMIL is getting the short end of the stick two ways: She has a douche-canoe husband whom no one likes and she has a rude child who wants to lie to people.

You just aren't going to get much sympathy (at least from me, and probably not in general) for this problem because you don't seem to care that your behaviour is rude.

You could cancel your fake Mexican wedding and have a local wedding, thus not forcing everyone to vacation together, thus avoiding her being ostracised of for his behaviour.

But that would mean putting your guests' comfort ahead of your own wants and needs.

Agreed. Seems like you want to avoid wedding drama and this seems like the way to do it.

Oh, hell to the no! We'd like to head off drama that could arise as much as possible, but canceling our wedding PPD? LMFAO! That's not even a remote possibility! If FSFIL creates an issue that reflects poorly on himself and his wife, that's on him. If there was something we could say or do ahead of time we would, but I think we're all in agreement here that we can't pre-admonish his near guaranteed behavior because he's an adult, anymore than you can encourage someone to speak the truth just because they are adults. Maybe a crystal clear ocean and warm trade winds will sooth his savage soul? Otherwise, I'll just plan on beating everyone to the punch and telling this guy where to go and how to get there in a private conversation myself! :-)

themuffinman16 · February 2014

I have a terrible relationship with my father. My family dynamic is what would NEVER make me want a destination wedding. Not only could his behavior ruin your wedding, but also your honeymoon. I say, let him act like an asshat. If he gets ostracized, so be it. Try to diffuse any situations as they happen, but just keep your distance. When no one laughs at his stupid jokes at FI's expense, he will see it is not the time nor the place to behave as he does.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

themuffinman16 said:

I have a terrible relationship with my father. My family dynamic is what would NEVER make me want a destination wedding. Not only could his behavior ruin your wedding, but also your honeymoon. I say, let him act like an asshat. If he gets ostracized, so be it. Try to diffuse any situations as they happen, but just keep your distance. When no one laughs at his stupid jokes at FI's expense, he will see it is not the time nor the place to behave as he does.

I'm really sorry you know what this is like @themuffinman16. It's amongst other things a giant PITA for everyone involved.

I'm certain we'll keep plenty of physical distance between FI and FSFIL whenever possible. My FI can't stand the man, and although he loves his mother, I don't think he loves her enough to let that awful man ruin the best time of his life and mine. I keep telling myself FSFIL will be vastly outnumbered amongst a crowd that loves and supports FI, so he'd be playing to the wrong crowd most certainly. Then the realist in me creeps in and reminds me that I'm not sure he has enough self awareness to realize when his "humor" is unwelcome, he just tries harder to get a rise out of FI. With any sort of luck if he makes a fool of himself once his wife will set him straight for once in their relationship and the behavior will cease for the remainder of their stay.

Maybe we're overthinking this whole scenario and I should start needlessly fretting about hurricanes and other things I cannot control like jellyfish and invading jungle monkeys ;-)

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

delujm0 said:

Just ignore him when he starts acting like an idiot. It will make you and your H look like mature adults, and make his father look like a child. People that act that way just want attention - so don't give it to him. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him at this point.

Exactly this.

You said it yourself that his own wife can't control him. No one can control can control another adult or change their behavior, the adult in question has to want to change.

Ignoring him is all you can do.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

show previous quotes

delujm0 said:

Just ignore him when he starts acting like an idiot. It will make you and your H look like mature adults, and make his father look like a child. People that act that way just want attention - so don't give it to him. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him at this point.

Exactly this.

You said it yourself that his own wife can't control him. No one can control can control another adult or change their behavior, the adult in question has to want to change.

Ignoring him is all you can do.

Unfortunately I seem to come from a long line of women with whack in-laws. If my Grandmother and Mom made it through theirs before me, I'm sure we will too! Worrying about the repurcussions from FI's mom's pov is just a waste of time and energy I suppose. She picked him! She chooses to let his behavior effect her relationships with pretty much everyone around her, she can own whatever he may say or do in Mex too.

I do plan on operating on a "one strike" theory though. Ignoring him makes him try harder. The first overly obnoxious comment, the first insult, I will be pulling him aside and laying ground rules. I will not have him upsetting FI with his antics. And I really don't care what a conversation like that will do to our nearly non-existent relationship going forward, I'm willing to be the bad guy on this one. If we have to go there and he doesn't like the terms I set I hope he can find a much earlier departure flight. We purposely plan to only invite adults. This should apply to men in their 60's surely! Fingers crossed for serenity!

Maggie0829 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

delujm0 said:

Just ignore him when he starts acting like an idiot. It will make you and your H look like mature adults, and make his father look like a child. People that act that way just want attention - so don't give it to him. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him at this point.

Exactly this.

You said it yourself that his own wife can't control him. No one can control can control another adult or change their behavior, the adult in question has to want to change.

Ignoring him is all you can do.

Unfortunately I seem to come from a long line of women with whack in-laws. If my Grandmother and Mom made it through theirs before me, I'm sure we will too! Worrying about the repurcussions from FI's mom's pov is just a waste of time and energy I suppose. She picked him! She chooses to let his behavior effect her relationships with pretty much everyone around her, she can own whatever he may say or do in Mex too.

I do plan on operating on a "one strike" theory though. Ignoring him makes him try harder. The first overly obnoxious comment, the first insult, I will be pulling him aside and laying ground rules. I will not have him upsetting FI with his antics. And I really don't care what a conversation like that will do to our nearly non-existent relationship going forward, I'm willing to be the bad guy on this one. If we have to go there and he doesn't like the terms I set I hope he can find a much earlier departure flight. We purposely plan to only invite adults. This should apply to men in their 60's surely! Fingers crossed for serenity!

Yeah, because that will end well. Yelling at a grown adult and "laying ground rules" will really stop his behavior *rolling eyes* If you do this it will just make things worse.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

Maggie0829 said: PrettyGirlLost said: delujm0 said: Just ignore him when he starts acting like an idiot. It will make you and your H look like mature adults, and make his father look like a child. People that act that way just want attention - so don't give it to him. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him at this point. Exactly this.

You said it yourself that his own wife can't control him. No one can control can control another adult or change their behavior, the adult in question has to want to change.

Ignoring him is all you can do.

Unfortunately I seem to come from a long line of women with whack in-laws. If my Grandmother and Mom made it through theirs before me, I'm sure we will too! Worrying about the repurcussions from FI's mom's pov is just a waste of time and energy I suppose. She picked him! She chooses to let his behavior effect her relationships with pretty much everyone around her, she can own whatever he may say or do in Mex too.
I do plan on operating on a "one strike" theory though. Ignoring him makes him try harder. The first overly obnoxious comment, the first insult, I will be pulling him aside and laying ground rules. I will not have him upsetting FI with his antics. And I really don't care what a conversation like that will do to our nearly non-existent relationship going forward, I'm willing to be the bad guy on this one. If we have to go there and he doesn't like the terms I set I hope he can find a much earlier departure flight. We purposely plan to only invite adults. This should apply to men in their 60's surely! Fingers crossed for serenity! Yeah, because that will end well. Yelling at a grown adult and "laying ground rules" will really stop his behavior *rolling eyes* If you do this it will just make things worse.

To be honest @maggie0829, I cannot fathom anything worse than enduring his bullshit throughout the entirety of their stay, should he decide that's how he'd like to act. Seriously, what could be worse than letting a blowhard upset the groom and the rest of our guests on vacation, effectively ruining the trip for everyone?

I didn't say anything about about yelling. That seems really dramatic and unnecessary. I can articulate myself without screaming. But there is no way in hell I'm going to sit back and let this guy make my FI (and probably everyone else) miserable on a trip we've waited 9 years to take and have been saving for for a year and half. Not to mention our first vacation in 4 years! That's simply not an option. His being a grown adult doesn't give him license to ruin our wedding, or the vacation of everyone around him. If he wants to act like a normal person with a modicum of social skills he's invited and welcome to socialize. If he wants to act like a horse's ass, there's simply no way I'm going to allow this guy to ruin a thing for us and everyone around him. I agree smiling and ignoring go a long way, but if he becomes unendurable, that's not the only way to cope. I know if the tables were turned, and I had some awful relative we HAD to invite, there's no way my FI would allow that person to constantly upset me, or our other guests.

As I've said before, we can all hope he behaves himself, it is a possibility. But he will not be welcome to behave however he damn well pleases, offending and/or upsetting people in his path, unchecked, just because he's over 18. I don't believe because someone is an adult they get to act however they want at all times and everyone else just has to deal with it. Sometimes a bully needs to be stood up to. And that's what he is. It seems I'm the better of the two of us to deal with it if that what it comes down to. I have zero emotional connection to this man and if standing up to him is what has to happen, I can certainly do it more calmly and less dramatically than a guy who has loathed this man for nearly 30 years. I'd rather say something to him privately after the first offensive comment or uncomfortable meal than subject everyone to his antics for the entirety of the trip. If that has a negative outcome for FSFIL, so be it. That will not be worse than ruining our wedding and the trip as a whole for all involved. If he gets butthurt being stood up to and packs up his toys and goes home, we'll brush it off and continue to enjoy ourselves. No one's going to enjoy themselves if this guy spends the entire time being a douchenozzle.

Edited: quote boxes are on strike today I guess.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

@STBMrsEverhart - what you are not getting is yelling, having a stern talking to, or having a private conversation to a grown adult about their behavior, knowing that they always act like an ass regardless, will not be beneficial to you or anyone else. What will most likely happen is his attitude and behavior will just get worse. It doesn't matter how non-emotionally attached you are to him because in the end you will look like a controlling "bride" who feels the need to tell adults how to act. Just ignore him. Honestly when I go places and their is a douchebag around my friends and I ignore him and don't let that persons behavior affect our moods or fun.

The only thing you can do is have security at the venue be aware of this person and if he starts pissing people off go to the security person and have this man escorted out of the room.

mrs4everhart · February 2014

Maggie0829 said: @STBMrsEverhart - what you are not getting is yelling, having a stern talking to, or having a private conversation to a grown adult about their behavior, knowing that they always act like an ass regardless, will not be beneficial to you or anyone else. What will most likely happen is his attitude and behavior will just get worse. It doesn't matter how non-emotionally attached you are to him because in the end you will look like a controlling "bride" who feels the need to tell adults how to act. Just ignore him. Honestly when I go places and their is a douchebag around my friends and I ignore him and don't let that persons behavior affect our moods or fun.
The only thing you can do is have security at the venue be aware of this person and if he starts pissing people off go to the security person and have this man escorted out of the room.

That would be epic. I don't want it to come to this but in my most outlandish day dreams, this is one of the funniest images I could conjure. I just really need to keep the faith that somewhere deep down inside he realizes he will really upset his wife if he upsets her son at his wedding, so maybe he'll act right. There has to be an inkling of social grace somewhere in this man. Even though we've not yet gotten to experience it. I think he'll be surprised if he offers any one of my female relatives a gander up his kilt at the reaction he's going to get!

edit - dumb box again

I have no idea how to approach this.......

Re: I have no idea how to approach this.......

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