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FFIL-Tux=dumbfounded!

LAM524LAM524 member
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edited February 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

edited for spelling error!

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Re: FFIL-Tux=dumbfounded!

  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    I'm sorry. I can see how your Fi might see this as a bigger issue than just clothes. It's sort of "Why can't he do the one thing I asked him to do when he does all this for my sister?" Just remind him that what matters more than what he's wearing us what you'll be wearing especially on the wedding night.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    LAM2228 said:
    My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

    I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

    Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

    edited for spelling error!
    It must be your rage at his other actions coming through here because really? You're going to get this pissed off over him wearing a suit instead of a tuxedo? No one is required to wear a tuxedo unless it is a truly black tie event (multi-course dinner served by white-gloved waiters, live music, top shelf open bar, valet service, etc--please tell me you didn't just write 'black tie' on your invitations because you want people to dress up), even at an evening wedding.

    Take a deep breath, count to ten, whatever works for you, and then think about this calmly. Who does it affect if he wears his 'casual suit?' Just him. If he's underdressed, no one will be thinking ill of you, so just relax and let this go. It is not a hill worth dying on, I promise. A certain poster who used to hang around here had her FIL wear denim overalls to her wedding, which made for some awesome pictures because she didn't let it bother her.
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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
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    You are allowed to suggest to your FFIL how great you think he'd look in a tux. You do not get to tell him to wear a tux, or get pissy at FFIL because he doesn't want to wear one.

    FI is wearing a tux. His Dad and mine are not- my comment to them was I don't care what you wear, as long as a) you're comfortable in it, and b) you're not naked, I did tell them the country club where everything is being held has certain dress code requirements- ie, no denim jeans, men must wear at least a blazer or sports coat in the dining rooms, women cannot have boobs hanging out so far that nips show, nor can butt cheeks be hanging out of super short skirts.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    H has social anxiety and does not like attention. I didn't even fight him on things like this because they don't matter. He wore a suit to our wedding, and we sat at a regular table instead of a "special" table.

    Your FFIL will not look strange. I promise. Even though H was in a suit and our fathers were in tuxes, the pictures look completely fine, and everyone looks happy.

    I understand your FI feels like this is the one thing he really needs from his dad, but he also needs to understand just how awful a social phobia can be. I'd rather know my father was comfortable and happy that day than worrying/stressing in a tuxedo.
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Your are getting all upset over a suit! Really you need to calm down. While I can understand being a little disappointed over this, there is no need to get all upset and angry over a suit! 
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sorry you and your fiance are going through this. I went thru something similar, luckily it worked out. It does hurt because these things aren't REALLY about an outfit. Sometimes people do passive-aggressive things like this. it's not as simple asn outfit, I get that. Hang in there, perhaps try to communicate how it means alot.and hope for the best
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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @Teddy917 thank you :) What a great way to approach this with my fiance. :)

    @artbyallie...you might be right. I will have to reevaluate my anger! However my hurt, really is for my fiance. My confusion still remains. My FFIL "former" lifestyle would never be representative of a social phobia and currently, he does do things with my FSIL that does make me question this "social phobia." He also told my Fiance that he will be "speaking in mic" to make a speech. So...yes...Im confused. Over all, I know I don't have to understand him and just accept his reason BUT boy...I'd like to. :) Btw..no, I did not and would not write "black tie" so that people would dress up.

    @HisGirlFriday13 :) Although I can appreciate what you are saying, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't want to make FFIL feel bad and I woudn't want to disrespect my fiance by embarrassing his father.

    My feelings truly arent over an outfit. I wish I can say that Im just disappointed but I never even gave it much value. I just ASSumed he would.  Peoples hearts are much more important then my wedding pictures. It really is much more. As a parent of 3, (29, 24 & 16) ....Yahooo....its a blessing when I can fulfill their needs and a bigger YAHOOO was its a "simple" request. The tux just seems so simple because he has to wear something. :/ Maybe I am just being tooo "black and white" about this (no pun intended). regardless, I have to let it go obviously.

    Like I mentioned, my fiance has his own feelings about it and they fueled some of mine, yet I have my own, independent of his. Maybe this is the "straw" or maybe my "rose colored glasses" are starting to slip because I am really now wondering if he doesn't approve of our relationship/marriage. His words wouldn't make me think so but because of his actions, I am beginning to wonder. If this is the case, and he doesnt approve, there is nothing I/we can do. it just really bothers me to see how hurt my fiance is and for sure, for him, this def. is the "straw."

    On a great note: today is our 4th year anniversary AND our couples shower AND my bachelorette party! I'm so excited!!! :) 3 months to go!

    Thanks everyone for your words. I guess I just needed to vent at what...3:30 in the morning! I did sleep very well after this post! :)



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  • LAM524LAM524 member
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    @scribe95 I can understand how not knowing us you may think we are being irrational and making a  "big deal" over a tux, (if I have conveyed this in my OP, my wrong).  I can also understand that there are some people who do feel its a big deal if someone doesn't wear a tux ( I respect their feelings) but the issue is deeper than an outfit for us. Yes, Im confused over the tux but heck...when it comes down to it, being confused could be a side effect of "bride brain!" :) As far as being petty, Im thinking our posts crossed, because as I mentioned, I would never not have him announced. I am actually thankful/pleasantly surprised that he wants to be because I immediately questioned this when my fiance told me that he wasnt wearing tux because of his "somewhat social phobia."

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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2014
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do. To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways. And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI. DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.' Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.
    I find your interaction with her deplorable. I understand she's not a peach, but there's no way that I would be so disrespectful to someone that is important to my husband. I have serious issues with MIL. When she's being terrible, I stop responding to her and I let her son deal with her.  I am no better a person if I stoop to her behavior, it could only escalate the situation.

    And seriously, it was a corsage. Let her complain, wear it, or not wear it. It required no interaction from you.
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do. To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways. And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI. DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.' Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.
    Personally, I think the people who say "it's just an outfit" have never experienced a passive-aggressive person in their life who does things PURELY to be a pain in the arse and just to be difficult.



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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    LAM, I'd just let this one go, it's not worth negative the negative feelings.

    If he was letting you know he was wearing flannel, I'd be upset for you and advising you to have your husband talk to him about it but it's a suit. He'll look great. Most importantly, you and your husband will look amazing and that's all anyone will focus on through the day and in the photos.
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    indianaalum said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do. To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways. And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI. DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.' Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.
    Personally, I think the people who say "it's just an outfit" have never experienced a passive-aggressive person in their life who does things PURELY to be a pain in the arse and just to be difficult.



    Your assumption is incorrect. My FMIL's is about 60% passive-aggressive, 35% aggressive and 5% regretful of the other 95% of her actions because of where it gets her in life.  I accept this about her, she's not going to change, but I'm certainly not going to listen to it or feed into it.  When she starts being difficult, I either excuse myself from the situation or I do not respond. Her actions have caused me not to interact with her anymore than is necessary. I let my husband respond to her where necessary because he values his relationship with her.

    If it becomes so unbearable and my husband is unable or unwilling to keep her in check with the way that she disrespects me, she will cease to be a part of my life. He can visit her, he can take our (future) children to visit with her periodically, but I will not participate.

    I have a long saga about my MIL with her outfit. I didn't care what she wore, she turned it into a big deal and provided herself with many attempts to twist that into attacks against me. Come wedding day, I didn't care about anything she said or did and certainly nothing about how she looked. I only cared about marrying my husband and holding onto happy moments of the day that was fleeting so quickly.
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    indianaalum said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do. To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways. And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI. DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.' Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.
    Personally, I think the people who say "it's just an outfit" have never experienced a passive-aggressive person in their life who does things PURELY to be a pain in the arse and just to be difficult.



    I think people who find other people's choice of clothing to be passive-aggressive attempts at causing annoyance are going to think lots of people are being passive-aggressive, regardless of intent. How self-centered / paranoid to you have to be to assume that people rummage through their dresser and closet to find the outfit that would be most displeasing to you? Short of your husband's ex showing up in a minidress or wedding gown or his mother wearing a funeral veil, I can't imagine what an outfit chosen to specifically upset the bride would look like.
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
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    I think people are misunderstanding here.  The suit isn't the issue- she said she doesn't care about that in itself.  This is the straw that broke the camel's back- there are a lot of issues here.  FFIL SPENT THANKSGIVING WTIH OP'S FI'S EX WIFE!  That is crazy and so wrong.  And that would indicate to me that your FFIL does not approve of your relationship.  You are totally justified in feeling this way.  This is the real issue that needs to be addressed.  This will not do well for your relationship- too much constant stress.  

    My mother was in the same position with my father's parents- they were far closer to my dad's ex wife than to my dad.  It was a strain that made them almost get divorced many times- it causes so many problems.  My parent's relationship was saved only when my grandparent's died- finally cutting his ex wife out of their lives. 

    He is their son!  Always they should support him first and foremost and part of that support is not befriending his ex wife.  

    As for the suit thing, I think his odd behavior about wanting to be introduced, but not wearing a tux…  I think he's trying to make a little trouble.  Definetely agree it's a little passive-agressive.  But with passive-agressive behavior… there's nothing you can do about it.  Just ignore it.  Address the bigger issues.
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I get it. My MIL doesn't approve of me. She's told me so directly. She's done countless things to try to interfere. It's not going to change. It hurts, it sucks... but at some point, I had to find the appropriate way to react where it didn't get me to breaking points.

    Otherwise, it would've ruined a lot more than my wedding.
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    BlueBirdMB said:
    I think people are misunderstanding here.  The suit isn't the issue- she said she doesn't care about that in itself.  This is the straw that broke the camel's back- there are a lot of issues here.  FFIL SPENT THANKSGIVING WTIH OP'S FI'S EX WIFE!  That is crazy and so wrong.  And that would indicate to me that your FFIL does not approve of your relationship.  You are totally justified in feeling this way.  This is the real issue that needs to be addressed.  This will not do well for your relationship- too much constant stress.  

    My mother was in the same position with my father's parents- they were far closer to my dad's ex wife than to my dad.  It was a strain that made them almost get divorced many times- it causes so many problems.  My parent's relationship was saved only when my grandparent's died- finally cutting his ex wife out of their lives. 

    He is their son!  Always they should support him first and foremost and part of that support is not befriending his ex wife.  

    As for the suit thing, I think his odd behavior about wanting to be introduced, but not wearing a tux…  I think he's trying to make a little trouble.  Definetely agree it's a little passive-agressive.  But with passive-agressive behavior… there's nothing you can do about it.  Just ignore it.  Address the bigger issues.
    I'd love to hear more back story on this. Link?
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
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    LAM2228 said:
    My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

    I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

    Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

    edited for spelling error!

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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    BlueBirdMB said:
    LAM2228 said:
    My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

    I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

    Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

    edited for spelling error!

    Thanks. I guess I just don't get it, aside from the secret keeping (where did FI think his dad spent Thanksgiving?). Unless FI's ex did something truly unforgivable to him, I don't see why maintaining a relationship with her is such a big deal. Presumably over the course of their marriage his parents grew fond of her. I'm not sure why they are expected to cut a person they like out of their lives because their son decided to. I'm still friends with my sister's ex. Even if he isn't the right one for her he is still a nice guy and I like him. I don't think it is crazy and wrong of me.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    MuppetOverlord said:


    HisGirlFriday13 said:

    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do.

    To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways.

    And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI.

    DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.'

    Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.

    I find your interaction with her deplorable. I understand she's not a peach, but there's no way that I would be so disrespectful to someone that is important to my husband. I have serious issues with MIL. When she's being terrible, I stop responding to her and I let her son deal with her.  I am no better a person if I stoop to her behavior, it could only escalate the situation.

    And seriously, it was a corsage. Let her complain, wear it, or not wear it. It required no interaction from you.


    I'm so happy for you that you have never dealt with a passive-aggressive bitch. I'm glad you've never had that special kind of hell.

    I did let it go until she told DH, 'I just don't think this is important enough for me to care.' Which hurt his feelings

    And you know what? Sometimes you stand up to the bully and she backs down. And after our exchange, she never again questioned why OUR MARRIAGE was important to DH.

    It worked. Also, until you have walked in the shoes of dealing with passive-aggressive, mean people, don't judge those of us who deal with them.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2014
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do. To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways. And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI. DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.' Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.
    I find your interaction with her deplorable. I understand she's not a peach, but there's no way that I would be so disrespectful to someone that is important to my husband. I have serious issues with MIL. When she's being terrible, I stop responding to her and I let her son deal with her.  I am no better a person if I stoop to her behavior, it could only escalate the situation.

    And seriously, it was a corsage. Let her complain, wear it, or not wear it. It required no interaction from you.
    I'm so happy for you that you have never dealt with a passive-aggressive bitch. I'm glad you've never had that special kind of hell. I did let it go until she told DH, 'I just don't think this is important enough for me to care.' Which hurt his feelings And you know what? Sometimes you stand up to the bully and she backs down. And after our exchange, she never again questioned why OUR MARRIAGE was important to DH. It worked. Also, until you have walked in the shoes of dealing with passive-aggressive, mean people, don't judge those of us who deal with them.
    You've missed everything about my posts regarding being in the same position with a passive-aggressive MIL.  I have indeed had that special type of hell and I judge your approach.

    ETA: Now that I understand how you speak to her, it provides a lot of perspective regarding how she continues to interact with you. It can't be working well for you because you keep putting yourself in situations with her that keep causing you to be upset with her.  I don't think this is at all a positive example for LAM to mimic.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, it sounds like a "pick your battles" situation here. I would suggest that your fiance deal with his father regarding the issues that are really bothering him since you say it's not really the tux/suit thing. Otherwise it looks like a lifetime of nitpicking things like clothing and never getting to the heart of the matter.

    On a side note, I don't really understand why your fiance cares what his father wears? I had no idea what either of my parents were going to wear to my wedding. It never crossed my mind to care or ask them let alone tell them what I want them to wear.
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    BlueBirdMB said:
    LAM2228 said:
    My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

    I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

    Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

    edited for spelling error!

    Thanks. I guess I just don't get it, aside from the secret keeping (where did FI think his dad spent Thanksgiving?). Unless FI's ex did something truly unforgivable to him, I don't see why maintaining a relationship with her is such a big deal. Presumably over the course of their marriage his parents grew fond of her. I'm not sure why they are expected to cut a person they like out of their lives because their son decided to. I'm still friends with my sister's ex. Even if he isn't the right one for her he is still a nice guy and I like him. I don't think it is crazy and wrong of me.

    I very rarely say that I am absolutely correct, but I am absolutely correct here.  There are simple right and wrongs and this is one.  I've seen how it destroyed my parent's marriage as well as other friend's and family member's relationship, who were in similar situations.  It causes issues and is completely unnecessary.  Thanksgiving????  This isn't a simple, I'll say hi to you and be friendly- this is a serious relationship that is not needed.  

    This relationship the father has with the ex IS a problem.  So he should have enough respect for his son, to dismiss the friendship.  His relationship with his son should be more important than his relationship with the ex.  That is his son's reality, so that is the only reality that is important.  

    My suggestion to OP, would be to create some real boundaries with her FFIL.  Having his FFIL be so emotionally close with the ex will cause issues if she doesn't maintain distance.  
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    And one more thing, that advice comes from a couple that is celebrating their 30th Anniversary today.  They got through their issues and they did it by creating boundaries with my father's parents, who were so close with the ex.  My father's parent's relationship with the ex took time to become an issue, but it became so screwed up and twisted that my mother couldn't take the disfunction and almost divorced my father.  

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  • rajahmdrajahmd member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    Wow. Talk about insensitive. No one else can decide for a person what their personal level of comfort is. Just because he's comfortable being introduced, doesn't mean he has to be comfortable wearing a tux. Y'all are sounding awfully judgey. Unless you are in his brain, you have no idea how his social phobia affects him and what he might do to compensate.

    Anniversary
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    BlueBirdMB said:
    BlueBirdMB said:
    LAM2228 said:
    My fiance informed me that his father does not want to wear a tux at our wedding because he has "somewhat of a "social phobia." When he used the  words "social phobia" I immediately assumed that he also does not want to be introduced with the bridal party at reception. My fiance informed me that is not the case and that FFIL told him that he would do the "announcement" part. Huh? I can understand if he didnt want to be "announced" because of this "somewhat social phobia" but this isnt the case. He just doesnt want to wear a tux and bring "attention" to himself. FFIL said that he will be wearing a "casual suit." Whatever that means! I can't help but think that by NOT wearing a tux, he WILL be bringing attention to himself but thats just my opinion. Geez, even my Uncle, (uncle/Niece dance) is wearing one. Overall, people arent going to drop, gasping for air over this so who cares right? My fiance does. This is the only thing that he asked of his father. Period. EVER. FFIL gives all of his time, attention and money to my FSIL (38 yrs old)  and this "little" request isnt too much to ask. Now, instead of it being just about a tux, it represents something much more for my fiance.

    I know we cant dictate what others wear, and I would never attempt to but really....he has to wear something so why not a Tux for a 7pm wedding! My anger is building and now I feel that this is just so disrespectful. Im sooo pissed off yet still confused!!! Also, FFIL and his fiance, for the last 4 years (since fiance's divorce),  have "secretly" spent Thanksgiving by my fiances ex. wife. Something that devastates my fiance.

    Btw...my fiance and his father have a "wonderful" relationship. I also get along with this man. I must say because of his "somewhat social phobia" I have only been invited to their (FFIL and fiance) home 2x in 4 years. :/ Point being,  I've managed to accept he is the way he is  (and thats "just him")  but this Tux thing makes it difficult  to not take things personal....I am really beginning to.  I know there is nothing I can do so Im asking you to help me put this into perspective and minimize what is going on or not going on?

    edited for spelling error!

    Thanks. I guess I just don't get it, aside from the secret keeping (where did FI think his dad spent Thanksgiving?). Unless FI's ex did something truly unforgivable to him, I don't see why maintaining a relationship with her is such a big deal. Presumably over the course of their marriage his parents grew fond of her. I'm not sure why they are expected to cut a person they like out of their lives because their son decided to. I'm still friends with my sister's ex. Even if he isn't the right one for her he is still a nice guy and I like him. I don't think it is crazy and wrong of me.

    I very rarely say that I am absolutely correct, but I am absolutely correct here.  There are simple right and wrongs and this is one.  I've seen how it destroyed my parent's marriage as well as other friend's and family member's relationship, who were in similar situations.  It causes issues and is completely unnecessary.  Thanksgiving????  This isn't a simple, I'll say hi to you and be friendly- this is a serious relationship that is not needed.  

    This relationship the father has with the ex IS a problem.  So he should have enough respect for his son, to dismiss the friendship.  His relationship with his son should be more important than his relationship with the ex.  That is his son's reality, so that is the only reality that is important.  

    My suggestion to OP, would be to create some real boundaries with her FFIL.  Having his FFIL be so emotionally close with the ex will cause issues if she doesn't maintain distance.  
    I put BlueBirdMB in blue.

    I'm going to go ahead and say you aren't. I'm sorry it didn't work out for your family, but friends with the ex's works just fine in mine. I'm still not sure why you think someone can dictate whether or not their family maintains relationships with an ex.
    image
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    OP, hope you're having a fun day and I'm glad you were able to get some perspective. Maybe your fiancé can have a heart-to-heart with his dad and make sure he knows a speech is not expected or required of him, and neither is a tux. I'm thinking FFIL maybe got it in his head that he has to give a speech and skipping the tux is his way of feeling more comfortable about that.
    image
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