We dated in HS and through undergrad. Been together 7 years now (well in March). In HS we fought because we were both immature and stubborn and during a fight I yelled "Well fine, then I don't want to see you anymore", I turned and got halfway to the door and then turned around and said "I don't mean that" and from then on out we worked on "fighting nice", meaning we work on not saying thing we don't mean, not getting side tracked, not calling names or threatening to break up. It was stupid, I was young, and we have learned a lot from the early years of fighting. I've learned to be less controlling and he has learned to be more understanding.
Our church is doing a marriage series and they talked about the one word that will change your relationship - fighting FOR your marriage instead of fighting AGAINST it. It was so mind-opening to think about how we fight and what we should do instead to make sure we are preserving our marriage rather than breaking it apart! FI is so good at not getting angry and yelling; he just sits with me and hugs me and waits until I am not feeling so angry - whereas I am a disaster and shut down and yell and cry. I am including this in my vows because it hit home to me so much: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship rather than against it.
DH and I broke up. We'd been together for about 6 months, but, I think he wasn't quite ready after his divorce, and I was still hung up on a guy I'd been with for 12 years.
DH and I were 'apart' for about a year and a half.
We attempted to get together briefly...didn't work. DH had a commitment crisis (his ex-wife cheated, broke his heart, hurt him bad, etc, so he got scared of how he was feeling about me, so he cut and ran). He broke my heart, so I kind of wrote off us ever really making a go of a serious relationship.
During our time apart, I finally got over the guy I dated for 12 years. Was still friendly with DH, we'd talk on occasion and sometimes go grab a bite to eat together, strictly as friends.
However, I was dating a guy when DH sent me a text one night, asking me if I would give him a second chance. That he'd screwed up in letting me go. I told him I thought that was so sweet, but that I was seeing someone. BUT, if for whatever reason it didn't work out with this guy, and DH happened to be single, I would love to revisit the chance to try our relationship again.
About 3 months after that text, the other guy dumped me (incompatibility issues that we both were trying to somehow make work). I was mildly miffed, but I'd kind of seen that coming.
Spent about 3 hours composing a text to DH that same day to see if he might still be interested.
We sat down together, had a candid talk. Laid out our hard truths to one another. I told him how badly he'd hurt me, and that if he ever did it again, I'd never forgive him. We talked about those things that we weren't willing to compromise on, and those things that were important to us. And what we both wanted out of our relationship.
We've been together ever since.
I think what helped is us being so open and honest with one another. For 12 years I convinced myself that I didn't want to be married. That just 'being' with someone was enough for me. However, that guy I dated briefly opened my eyes to the fact I DID want to be married and I'd spent 12 years compromising myself. DH was on the same page.
So, here we are. Almost 3 years together this time. Married. And have a kiddo on the way (along with my 16 year old and his 12 year old). Life's pretty awesome.
We dated in HS and through undergrad. Been together 7 years now (well in March). In HS we fought because we were both immature and stubborn and during a fight I yelled "Well fine, then I don't want to see you anymore", I turned and got halfway to the door and then turned around and said "I don't mean that" and from then on out we worked on "fighting nice", meaning we work on not saying thing we don't mean, not getting side tracked, not calling names or threatening to break up. It was stupid, I was young, and we have learned a lot from the early years of fighting. I've learned to be less controlling and he has learned to be more understanding.
Our church is doing a marriage series and they talked about the one word that will change your relationship - fighting FOR your marriage instead of fighting AGAINST it. It was so mind-opening to think about how we fight and what we should do instead to make sure we are preserving our marriage rather than breaking it apart! FI is so good at not getting angry and yelling; he just sits with me and hugs me and waits until I am not feeling so angry - whereas I am a disaster and shut down and yell and cry. I am including this in my vows because it hit home to me so much: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship rather than against it.
Actually a few weeks after our big fight I started taking a Marriage and Family class at my private catholic school (it was a religious elective) and I learned this too.
We started out as FWB and stopped having sex for a period of time. We continued to hang out and "date" but just nothing intimate. It took us 7 months to realize that what were doing was dating and have been together ever since.
We have had some real big fights, but not once have we ever considered ending it. Though jokingly he did me tell if I got some question wrong when playing Trivial Pursuit he couldn't marry me. I shockingly got the answer correctly but as I was answering I handed him my ring and he got pissed. There were a few times were I took my ring off, making dinner, potting plants, doing dishes, and handed him the ring to hold onto and he wasn't paying attention to why I was giving him the ring and he would get mad. Now I just place it in the box it came in when I do those things.
He would get mad just for you handing him the ring, and automatically assume that meant you were breaking up with him? That's kind of a red flag to me.
He never saw me take the ring or any ring off prior, never realized I take it off as often as I do. He always saw our moms, and sisters,wear their rings doing everything I take mine off for and it worried him. Now a year into the engagement he realizes that my skin is sensitive and takingmy ring off doesn't = things ending.
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
- Barbara DeAngelis
We dated for a year and had moved in together, then out of nowhere he broke up with me, I moved out. I cut off all contact, he broke my heart, badly. I started running half marathons and really taking care of me.
About three years later, randomly, he emailed me to apologize. He had talked to his mom, told her he was still in love with me. She told him to apologize, if I wasn't receptive to get back together to leave me alone, but she had raised a better person than to not try to make things right. We communicated for about 5 months before I would see him again, because I had been so hurt and wasn't willing to risk that again.
So, he asks me out to dinner, I finally say yes and throughout the whole time, I'm teasing him it's not a date. A week later, I left for a half marathon; I had driven and he was texting asking how I did and such. I told him I was going to drive home that day (about a five hour drive). He told me to stay put he was heading to the airport. So he flew to come get me and drive me back home so I didn't have to drive.
After that we got back together. I went home that Thanksgiving to talk to my family about it. They had always liked him and were glad he came to his senses. About two days after he had called his mom to let her know that he appreciated her words and it had worked out, she passed away. So, our reunion is bittersweet. I wish I had been able to meet her.
Not even close. TBH I'm kind of amazed he didn't dump me when I moved out to OH. That was hard. It was for a job, but it was kind of a shitty thing to do on my part. The job didn't work out and I was back after only 2 months and we've been doing great through all of it. We had one fight where he was really mad at me for not arranging something and that's pretty much it.
I always find it interesting to hear about couples who broke up, but eventually got back together and got engaged/married. I guess because that was the situation for me and my FI.
So that being said, did you and your fiancé/husband ever break up (for an extended period of time) or were you together all the way through?
We did. I broke up with him after about 6 months because I didn't think he was ready to be a grown up and build a life together. He got his shit together and we got back together several months later and we've gone strong ever since (4+ years). I have a daughter from my first marriage, I wasn't about to get serious with someone who I didn't think was ready to be a part of our family.
Fi and I have been together since ages 15/17 with nary a breakup. We had one serious discussion/fight my freshman year of college. He was getting really jealous when I went out with girlfriends, and feeling jealous because he "missed" the first couple year of college hanging out with me. He was being really possessive about it. We talked about breaking up and just realized neither of us actually wanted to do that. So we stayed together, and it's been 11 years!
"I'm not a rude bitch. I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."
Nope. After having been in one of those break up/ get back together 20 time relationships- I told him - there will be one and only one break-up if it ever happens, and it'll be final. The emotional stress I put myself through going back and fourth with the ex has made me know that break-ups should only happen in extreme cases. We fight every once in a while but never anything I would even consider a break-up over.
Yes, back in 2007 right after we took a trip to Japan. He broke up with me because of social pressure to marry someone within his culture. I think he realized in Japan that we weren't just going to not work and if he wanted to do what was expected to him he had to just cut it off.
That lasted about 2 months. We couldn't stay apart.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
FI and I broke up once for less than 24 hours. Granted I was being a bitch at the time. It was shortly after our 3rd miscarriage. I had been 5 months pregnant with twins and was in a very bad car wreck on the way home from the doctors office (as in the first responders immediately called for a coroner because they were certain I could not be alive). I made it out ok, but our little ones passed about a week later. We both took it very hard and did the worst possible thing, stopped communicating like we should.
About four months later, we got into a big fight and he left and did some really stupid shit with his brother. He felt so guilty about it that he came back home the next morning crying and we worked it out.
Our relationship has been so much stronger since. We know better than to repeat old mistakes of not talking and such. Its helped us move forward as a couple.
In fact, I think if we had not gone through that and been better for it, we would not have made through what happened next. (Lost another angel LO to trisomy 14 at the end of the first trimester late last year.) Ever since we have given up trying for a baby, but hopefully it will happen when the time is right.
I always find it interesting to hear about couples who broke up, but eventually got back together and got engaged/married. I guess because that was the situation for me and my FI.
So that being said, did you and your fiancé/husband ever break up (for an extended period of time) or were you together all the way through?
We did. I broke up with him after about 6 months because I didn't think he was ready to be a grown up and build a life together. He got his shit together and we got back together several months later and we've gone strong ever since (4+ years). I have a daughter from my first marriage, I wasn't about to get serious with someone who I didn't think was ready to be a part of our family.
Having a blended family just introduces all kinds of stress into a relationship. I'm sure most blended family couples have had some serious disagreements over the years. I know we did.
I'm NEY or married but I hope I can answer this question too.
We broke up for a matter of two-three days two years ago. We come from two very different cultures when it concerns time spent with family on holidays. I was getting upset I wasn't getting very much time with my own family, said something I didn't mean on my Facebook page about not wanting to spend the entire time with his family, his family found out and got pissed, which I don't blame them one bit, and his parents gave him an ultimatum when they couldn't eat and were making themselves sick. He broke up with to try and dissolve a situation that was bad.
My brother told us both to take a few days not talking and we did. His cousin's GF called me a few days later to get me out of the house and to talk. She suggested when go out for drinks that night all together and to get me and my BF back together. We've been together ever since. It definitely made us stronger and we are currently discussing marriage and looking at engagement rings.
I always find it interesting to hear about couples who broke up, but eventually got back together and got engaged/married. I guess because that was the situation for me and my FI.
So that being said, did you and your fiancé/husband ever break up (for an extended period of time) or were you together all the way through?
We did. I broke up with him after about 6 months because I didn't think he was ready to be a grown up and build a life together. He got his shit together and we got back together several months later and we've gone strong ever since (4+ years). I have a daughter from my first marriage, I wasn't about to get serious with someone who I didn't think was ready to be a part of our family.
Having a blended family just introduces all kinds of stress into a relationship. I'm sure most blended family couples have had some serious disagreements over the years. I know we did.
This. FI has a 15-year-old son, who is a total gem, but it still adds a whole different layer to the mix. Luckily, he has a functional relationship with his ex wife (now, many years later) and they co-parent well together. Doesn't mean it's not work to meld a whole new relationship into the mix. That said, I've never (and I know he'd concur) contemplating walking away from our relationship. And yes, we do disagree/argue/get snarky with each other/occasionally even 'fight'…but at the end of the day we're always on the same team. I'll fight for that to be true for always.
I always find it interesting to hear about couples who broke up, but eventually got back together and got engaged/married. I guess because that was the situation for me and my FI.
So that being said, did you and your fiancé/husband ever break up (for an extended period of time) or were you together all the way through?
We did. I broke up with him after about 6 months because I didn't think he was ready to be a grown up and build a life together. He got his shit together and we got back together several months later and we've gone strong ever since (4+ years). I have a daughter from my first marriage, I wasn't about to get serious with someone who I didn't think was ready to be a part of our family.
Having a blended family just introduces all kinds of stress into a relationship. I'm sure most blended family couples have had some serious disagreements over the years. I know we did.
Very true. I couldn't ask for better now - we are 100 times more a team than I ever could have been with my ex.
We've never broken up, but we did come close once. Just before we moved here, I found out that FI had hidden a pretty big financial matter from me, I was upset about it but I understood why he had done it. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about and he said no. I left it at that. A few days later I found out that on top of the other thing he hadn't told me about, he was 12k in debt, and had been for months, to his former boss - who was using it as an excuse to call FI up at all hours of the day and night to do work for him. Essentially FI had given the guy a way to have him work but not have to pay his salary. I was really fuming then, not so much about the money, but about the fact that when I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know, he flat out lied to me. I told him right then and there that if I was going to give up my life, my family, my friends, my entire support system, to move halfway across the country with him, then I needed to know that I could trust him and that he trusted me. He slept in the spare room that night and then said he was sorry the next morning, we worked together to clear the debt, and now we both know we can trust each other, no matter what.
Old lady, here, with a long story. We were high school sweethearts. Our families had known each other for 200 years. We were introduced by our mothers in church when we were 15. Senior year, his obsessiveness got to me. I told him we were through. We went off to separate universities, where I fell hopelessly in love with a man who was wrong for me. I wasted four years on Mr. Wrong, and another two years recovering. Every year Mr. Faithful called or wrote and asked me to take him back. I was miserable. I dated some other men, but the timing was never right. So , I swallowed my pride and wrote to him, apologizing for the way I had treated him in high school. He showed up on my doorstep two weeks later. He flew from Maryland to Iowa. After four days together, he asked me to marry him. I decided that compared to what was out there (You single girls know what I mean!), his fussiness and obsessiveness was something I could live with. He still had my high school picture in his wallet, after 9 years! He loves me, and that makes up for a lot. I arranged the fastest wedding you have ever seen. We took off for Maryland, where we lived and raised a family for 31 years. Then, he retired and we moved out to Colorado. I wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but it worked for us. When I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer five years ago, he was super supportive. That's when you really know that you are loved! It's been 37 years. He still fusses over stupid things. I still get mad at him sometimes. It works for us. Thank God I didn't marry the man I thought I was in love with in college!
pros: He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, doesn't chase other women, and is very dependable and affectionate. He is educated and we share the same faith.
cons: He obsesses over little things, he's a mess around the house, when he blows his nose it sounds like a moose call, and he should NEVER eat beans! NEVER! ,
FI broke up with me twice. Both times were because he felt like he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to sow his wild oats. I understood since he had just left his ex wife.
The first breakup lasted 24 hours and the second was closer to 6 hours. He didn't sow anything during that time just realized that even a short amount of time without me was awful.
I've never held either of them against him, but he does get teased every so often about how skittish he was.
Are people for real with their "we've never fought comments" - this is absolutely baffling to me... I'm not in a dramatic relationship at all but after 5 years together, the idea that we'd never disagree and lose our tempers is ridiculous? Honestly it seems unhealthy.
Are people for real with their "we've never fought comments" - this is absolutely baffling to me... I'm not in a dramatic relationship at all but after 5 years together, the idea that we'd never disagree and lose our tempers is ridiculous? Honestly it seems unhealthy.
This statements mean different things. DH and I have never fought or lost our tempers -- we don't scream and yell, we don't storm out of the room, we don't huff off and leave the other person at the mall and force him or her to take the bus home, we don't threaten divorce, we don't threaten to leave, we don't name-call, we don't shout -- but we have disagreed.
To me, fighting is screaming and yelling and crying and throwing things and being unhealthy angry. DH and I have absolutely disagreed on things, and we still do, but we discuss them calmly and rationally and like adults.
You can disagree without fighting. You can disagree in healthy and constructive ways. But to me, disagreeing with someone means respecting him or her as a person, even if you don't agree with their ideas, but it doesn't mean fighting or yelling or name-calling.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
Yep, DH and I broke up. Sorry for the long story…but you asked ;-p
He moved in to my house bc his land-lady decided to sell the house he was renting and he was applying for a job in my city, his job was 45 mins away.
So he moved in and I didn't really think he was going to move out, he knew I wanted him to continue living with me. Well, he sort of panicked, and wasn't ready to commit even though we were talking about marriage, so he started looking at rentals behind my back, he would go and look at them and lie by omission about it. I found out bc he left a realtor's card out with notes about a rental. I was devastated. He went and looked at a place and rented it without talking to me. I pretty much kicked him out that night, I told him he had made his decision and should just move now. I was super devastated, bc I knew he was "the one."
I didn't hear form him for 11 days. We met the next day and exchanged stuff. He looked awful. He said he didn't want to get back together. I said I hope you know what you are doing and he said he wasn't sure, but he hoped he knew too. He specifically asked that we stay FB friends, bc I don't stay FB friends with bad breakups.
Next day he goes to Key West on the vacation we had been planning together. Oh, boy howdy was I ticked! :-p
He gets back and posts on FB he is going to the food truck festival for lunch 2 blocks from my work. I text him to say I was going to go too. We agree to meet there. Over lunch, I said, "if we are going to be friends you can't ignore my FB comments" - I had posted a nice comment & question about his trip. I followed up asking, "We are trying to stay friends right? That is what you want?" He launches into a confusing monologue that ends with "maybe you'll be able to give me a chance again someday." But he want explain or clarify what he is trying to saying. I go back to work super confused.
That night I get home late to find a USPS package on my porch. He had shipped me gifts including a handmade gold seahorse necklace from Key West…now I'm even more confused as these do not appear to be friend presents. I called him the next day and we agreed to meet the next day - where he told me he can't live without me and he was certain he wanted to marry me. Going to Key West alone and realizing what he had lost/given up was what it took.
Four days later I finally believed him and took him back. 10 days later he gave me the Waterford crystal cake topper for our wedding cake and a month after that we booked the wedding venue. 12 weeks from the day I kicked him out, he proposed. Now we're married and I didn't know I could be this happy
Are people for real with their "we've never fought comments" - this is absolutely baffling to me... I'm not in a dramatic relationship at all but after 5 years together, the idea that we'd never disagree and lose our tempers is ridiculous? Honestly it seems unhealthy.
This statements mean different things. DH and I have never fought or lost our tempers -- we don't scream and yell, we don't storm out of the room, we don't huff off and leave the other person at the mall and force him or her to take the bus home, we don't threaten divorce, we don't threaten to leave, we don't name-call, we don't shout -- but we have disagreed.
To me, fighting is screaming and yelling and crying and throwing things and being unhealthy angry. DH and I have absolutely disagreed on things, and we still do, but we discuss them calmly and rationally and like adults.
You can disagree without fighting. You can disagree in healthy and constructive ways. But to me, disagreeing with someone means respecting him or her as a person, even if you don't agree with their ideas, but it doesn't mean fighting or yelling or name-calling.
Agree to disagree... Honestly, i've never known anyone who didn't lose their temper occasionally *unless* they were afraid of losing someone and didn't want to cause any waves. However, I realize from your comments that that is not always the case. Personally, we have some pretty intense debates about current affairs that definitely lead to shouting sometimes and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can be very passionate about certain topics and I love that he is too.
Are people for real with their "we've never fought comments" - this is absolutely baffling to me... I'm not in a dramatic relationship at all but after 5 years together, the idea that we'd never disagree and lose our tempers is ridiculous? Honestly it seems unhealthy.
This statements mean different things. DH and I have never fought or lost our tempers -- we don't scream and yell, we don't storm out of the room, we don't huff off and leave the other person at the mall and force him or her to take the bus home, we don't threaten divorce, we don't threaten to leave, we don't name-call, we don't shout -- but we have disagreed.
To me, fighting is screaming and yelling and crying and throwing things and being unhealthy angry. DH and I have absolutely disagreed on things, and we still do, but we discuss them calmly and rationally and like adults.
You can disagree without fighting. You can disagree in healthy and constructive ways. But to me, disagreeing with someone means respecting him or her as a person, even if you don't agree with their ideas, but it doesn't mean fighting or yelling or name-calling.
Agree to disagree... Honestly, i've never known anyone who didn't lose their temper occasionally *unless* they were afraid of losing someone and didn't want to cause any waves. However, I realize from your comments that that is not always the case. Personally, we have some pretty intense debates about current affairs that definitely lead to shouting sometimes and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can be very passionate about certain topics and I love that he is too.
We can absolutely agree to disagree. My heritage is Greek-Irish; my family is pretty passionate. But to me there is a difference between having passionate, adult discussions and shouting at someone else like they're an idiot.
To me, there is a difference between healthy discourse -- even passionate discourse -- and shouting at someone you love.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
Are people for real with their "we've never fought comments" - this is absolutely baffling to me... I'm not in a dramatic relationship at all but after 5 years together, the idea that we'd never disagree and lose our tempers is ridiculous? Honestly it seems unhealthy.
We rarely fight, yet our life is not all rainbows and unicorns. We just express our disappointment or disagreement in other ways. We are both kind of laid back and mostly on the same page anyway.
Sometimes it's a case of know you audience. DH was physically and verbally abused at as a kid and has abandonment issues. DH does not respond well to losing your temper form of communication.
DH's ex-step-dad was a real piece of work and also abused his mom. I think that is one reason why DH has never raised his voice to me. He doesn't like how it felt, didn't like hearing his mom spoken to like that and chooses not to use that form of communication in our relationship.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
My FI and I had been together for just over 3 years when he broke up with me. We went to the same college and started dating at the end of our freshman year. At the end of our second year together my dad died from cancer and the following year was very hard. FI was incredibly supportive, not only to me, but also to my siblings and mom. Still, I was depressed, going to therapists to deal with my depression. And losing my dad also made me very insecure about myself, and it reflected in my relationship with FI.
In the fall of 2011, FI had an amazing opportunity to uphold a huge tradition at our university (I won't go into specifics, but we went to a big football university.) This tradition involved being televised, having a party in their honor, etc. I think all the attention sort of went to his head, mixed with the fact that he hadn't dated anyone beside me in college. Also, we were arguing a lot--mainly having to do with my insecurities and the fact that he was getting fed up and becoming less sensitive. So he broke up with me. I was a complete disaster for about five days. I went out drinking by myself, contemplated suicide (I know that sounds dire, but I had lost the two most important men in my life and as stated, I was already very depressed.). It was the worst time of my life, probably even harder than losing my dad because I wasn't expecting it. Then after about five days, it was like I snapped awake. I realized I was going to be just fine, I didn't feel insecure, I went out with friends a lot and soon I sort of started seeing a guy I had been friends with for a few years. FI and I stayed friends during this time (I didn't tell him anything about where I went with friends, who I saw, etc.) and he even would let my dog out when I had to work late and such. (He loves her just as much as I do, haha.)
About a month and a half after he initially broke up with me, I came home from work one night and got on my computer. FI had come by earlier to feed my dog. He had left an open word doc on my computer, in which he had typed all his feelings of remorse about breaking up with me, how miserable he was and how he wanted me to be happy however possible--whether that meant being with him or not. The next day I allowed him to come over to talk about all this. He said in that course of time he had gone on a handful of dates and that is what made him realize he missed me so much. He said the fact that I had been able to carry on my life without him made him realize how mature I was and that I was the one he wanted to be with. (If that makes sense.) So after a few more days of deliberation on my part we got back together.
We got engaged about two years after we reconciled. That breakup was the worst pain--even thinking about it now makes me sad and teary, but I like to think that things have worked out and we're stronger now. We definitely understand each other better and have become better listeners and partners in general. We do have arguments but we know how to handle them better now. Being engaged has been a blast, and I'm confident that marriage will be too! (And we still have our little dog who just further solidifies the bond of our family! )
(Sorry for the long post, but it felt sort of therapeutic to get all of that out...)
We dated in HS and through undergrad. Been together 7 years now (well in March). In HS we fought because we were both immature and stubborn and during a fight I yelled "Well fine, then I don't want to see you anymore", I turned and got halfway to the door and then turned around and said "I don't mean that" and from then on out we worked on "fighting nice", meaning we work on not saying thing we don't mean, not getting side tracked, not calling names or threatening to break up. It was stupid, I was young, and we have learned a lot from the early years of fighting. I've learned to be less controlling and he has learned to be more understanding.
This is something I've worked on over the years. Not leaving the house and walking out in a huff, not saying "NOTHING!" when he asks "what's wrong?", not saying I want to leave if I really 100% don't,
My poor past boyfriends have been the target of these things, but it's something that I think is a definite improvement!
We met at band camp the summer before freshman year and dated freshman and sophomore year of high school. We broke up because of stupid teenage stuff that I will take full blame for, I was a bitch in HS. Even after we both moved away for college we remained friends both of us still had a thing for the other but neither wanted to get hurt or hurt the other person again. 8 years later got back together. We had both grown up and still wanted to be together. A year after we got back together he proposed that was last summer.
I have broken up with FI over a real doozy of a fight. It took him a while to see that he was wrong, and he complained about me to his friends. They told him to snap out of it, and I was really good to him, and they never saw him happier then when he was with me. He apologized and said he needed some perspective, I am glad he talked to objective friends and not those dudes who say "dodged a bullet, there." Lol. ( Idk if he has those friends, but I am sure every guy has at least one bitter friend). FI and I have been doing great, now that I am less stressed about the wedding. (Had some major family drama that I had to clear up, it was making me extremely tense). We are better about talking and communicating our issues when we argue. Every married couple argues, but there is a right way and a wrong way. If you argue the right way, you can get through anything, together.
FI and I broke up once for less than 24 hours. Granted I was being a bitch at the time. It was shortly after our 3rd miscarriage. I had been 5 months pregnant with twins and was in a very bad car wreck on the way home from the doctors office (as in the first responders immediately called for a coroner because they were certain I could not be alive). I made it out ok, but our little ones passed about a week later. We both took it very hard and did the worst possible thing, stopped communicating like we should.
About four months later, we got into a big fight and he left and did some really stupid shit with his brother. He felt so guilty about it that he came back home the next morning crying and we worked it out.
Our relationship has been so much stronger since. We know better than to repeat old mistakes of not talking and such. Its helped us move forward as a couple.
In fact, I think if we had not gone through that and been better for it, we would not have made through what happened next. (Lost another angel LO to trisomy 14 at the end of the first trimester late last year.) Ever since we have given up trying for a baby, but hopefully it will happen when the time is right.
man, I am so sorry! that is rough; glad it all worked out for your marriage and hope things will get better for a baby. You are a strong lady!
Re: Did you and your FI ever break up?
DH and I were 'apart' for about a year and a half.
We attempted to get together briefly...didn't work. DH had a commitment crisis (his ex-wife cheated, broke his heart, hurt him bad, etc, so he got scared of how he was feeling about me, so he cut and ran). He broke my heart, so I kind of wrote off us ever really making a go of a serious relationship.
During our time apart, I finally got over the guy I dated for 12 years. Was still friendly with DH, we'd talk on occasion and sometimes go grab a bite to eat together, strictly as friends.
However, I was dating a guy when DH sent me a text one night, asking me if I would give him a second chance. That he'd screwed up in letting me go. I told him I thought that was so sweet, but that I was seeing someone. BUT, if for whatever reason it didn't work out with this guy, and DH happened to be single, I would love to revisit the chance to try our relationship again.
About 3 months after that text, the other guy dumped me (incompatibility issues that we both were trying to somehow make work). I was mildly miffed, but I'd kind of seen that coming.
Spent about 3 hours composing a text to DH that same day to see if he might still be interested.
We sat down together, had a candid talk. Laid out our hard truths to one another. I told him how badly he'd hurt me, and that if he ever did it again, I'd never forgive him. We talked about those things that we weren't willing to compromise on, and those things that were important to us. And what we both wanted out of our relationship.
We've been together ever since.
I think what helped is us being so open and honest with one another. For 12 years I convinced myself that I didn't want to be married. That just 'being' with someone was enough for me. However, that guy I dated briefly opened my eyes to the fact I DID want to be married and I'd spent 12 years compromising myself. DH was on the same page.
So, here we are. Almost 3 years together this time. Married. And have a kiddo on the way (along with my 16 year old and his 12 year old). Life's pretty awesome.
He never saw me take the ring or any ring off prior, never realized I take it off as often as I do. He always saw our moms, and sisters,wear their rings doing everything I take mine off for and it worried him. Now a year into the engagement he realizes that my skin is sensitive and takingmy ring off doesn't = things ending.
We did. I broke up with him after about 6 months because I didn't think he was ready to be a grown up and build a life together. He got his shit together and we got back together several months later and we've gone strong ever since (4+ years). I have a daughter from my first marriage, I wasn't about to get serious with someone who I didn't think was ready to be a part of our family.
About four months later, we got into a big fight and he left and did some really stupid shit with his brother. He felt so guilty about it that he came back home the next morning crying and we worked it out.
Our relationship has been so much stronger since. We know better than to repeat old mistakes of not talking and such. Its helped us move forward as a couple.
In fact, I think if we had not gone through that and been better for it, we would not have made through what happened next. (Lost another angel LO to trisomy 14 at the end of the first trimester late last year.) Ever since we have given up trying for a baby, but hopefully it will happen when the time is right.
We broke up for a matter of two-three days two years ago. We come from two very different cultures when it concerns time spent with family on holidays. I was getting upset I wasn't getting very much time with my own family, said something I didn't mean on my Facebook page about not wanting to spend the entire time with his family, his family found out and got pissed, which I don't blame them one bit, and his parents gave him an ultimatum when they couldn't eat and were making themselves sick. He broke up with to try and dissolve a situation that was bad.
My brother told us both to take a few days not talking and we did. His cousin's GF called me a few days later to get me out of the house and to talk. She suggested when go out for drinks that night all together and to get me and my BF back together. We've been together ever since. It definitely made us stronger and we are currently discussing marriage and looking at engagement rings.
Very true. I couldn't ask for better now - we are 100 times more a team than I ever could have been with my ex.
Just before we moved here, I found out that FI had hidden a pretty big financial matter from me, I was upset about it but I understood why he had done it. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about and he said no. I left it at that.
A few days later I found out that on top of the other thing he hadn't told me about, he was 12k in debt, and had been for months, to his former boss - who was using it as an excuse to call FI up at all hours of the day and night to do work for him. Essentially FI had given the guy a way to have him work but not have to pay his salary. I was really fuming then, not so much about the money, but about the fact that when I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know, he flat out lied to me.
I told him right then and there that if I was going to give up my life, my family, my friends, my entire support system, to move halfway across the country with him, then I needed to know that I could trust him and that he trusted me. He slept in the spare room that night and then said he was sorry the next morning, we worked together to clear the debt, and now we both know we can trust each other, no matter what.
We were high school sweethearts. Our families had known each other for 200 years. We were introduced by our mothers in church when we were 15.
Senior year, his obsessiveness got to me. I told him we were through. We went off to separate universities, where I fell hopelessly in love with a man who was wrong for me. I wasted four years on Mr. Wrong, and another two years recovering. Every year Mr. Faithful called or wrote and asked me to take him back. I was miserable. I dated some other men, but the timing was never right.
So , I swallowed my pride and wrote to him, apologizing for the way I had treated him in high school. He showed up on my doorstep two weeks later. He flew from Maryland to Iowa. After four days together, he asked me to marry him.
I decided that compared to what was out there (You single girls know what I mean!), his fussiness and obsessiveness was something I could live with. He still had my high school picture in his wallet, after 9 years! He loves me, and that makes up for a lot.
I arranged the fastest wedding you have ever seen. We took off for Maryland, where we lived and raised a family for 31 years. Then, he retired and we moved out to Colorado. I wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but it worked for us. When I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer five years ago, he was super supportive. That's when you really know that you are loved!
It's been 37 years. He still fusses over stupid things. I still get mad at him sometimes. It works for us.
Thank God I didn't marry the man I thought I was in love with in college!
pros: He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, doesn't chase other women, and is very dependable and affectionate. He is educated and we share the same faith.
cons: He obsesses over little things, he's a mess around the house, when he blows his nose it sounds like a moose call, and he should NEVER eat beans! NEVER! ,
The first breakup lasted 24 hours and the second was closer to 6 hours. He didn't sow anything during that time just realized that even a short amount of time without me was awful.
I've never held either of them against him, but he does get teased every so often about how skittish he was.
Sometimes it's a case of know you audience. DH was physically and verbally abused at as a kid and has abandonment issues. DH does not respond well to losing your temper form of communication.
DH's ex-step-dad was a real piece of work and also abused his mom. I think that is one reason why DH has never raised his voice to me. He doesn't like how it felt, didn't like hearing his mom spoken to like that and chooses not to use that form of communication in our relationship.
My poor past boyfriends have been the target of these things, but it's something that I think is a definite improvement!