It finally happened, the inevitable family drama
The story goes like this:
My cousin is a bridesmaid in our wedding. Her parents are divorced, and her father is my mother's brother, thus a biological member of our family. He is remarried and has been for about 10 years now. When originally coming up with the guest list, I had included both the BM's father/stepmother and her biological mother. I am not very close to her mother, but I do still consider her an aunt, am friends with her on FB, and am on friendly terms with her. I felt like she deserved an invitation and would appreciate receiving one (i.e. would be offended to NOT get one). To be honest, I didn't think she would make the effort to come, as she lives about 8 hours from the wedding location, but I still wanted her to receive an invitation.
All was well until just a few days ago, when my mom informs me that her brother and his wife have stated that they "aren't sure they can come" if the mother comes to the wedding. I was copied on this long, dramatic email from my step-aunt, saying that she shouldn't be forced to be uncomfortable, and that they would be at the ceremony, but not the reception. Personally, I was offended b/c it seems really petty and dumb to not be able to sit in the same room with someone for 2-3 hours. According to them, the mother would come to the wedding JUST TO SPITE THEM and then "hog" her daughters all night.
Now, my problem is that my mom agrees with them and wants to leave the mother off the invite list now. Personally, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I was brought into their divorce/family drama and honestly, it makes me want to leave things the way they are and just tell my uncle/step-aunt to go screw themselves. However, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, so apparently I don't get much of a say.
What would you do in this situation, and how would you feel? I know lots of people have to deal with divorced parent situations, but this is just weird and unneccessary. I will probably end up having to leave her off the list, and I'm not sure how hard I should fight considering I'm not that close to her. However, I feel peeved that I'm being forced/manipulated into changing my guest list. I also don't want to hurt my BM's feelings, considering that is her mother. I'm also wondering what my uncle/step-aunt are going to do when my cousin and her sister get married...
Re: It finally happened, the inevitable family drama
First off - she is not your step-aunt, she is your aunt. She is your uncle's wife so she is your aunt. Sorry, that just bugged me.
You should NEVER invite someone if you don't really want them there. Your wedding is an opportunity for this woman to spend time with her children, even if they are grown. That is a very appealing thing - especially when that includes dinner and drinks! If she is fond of you and you invited her, that sets up a pretty enticing reason to attend.
If you have invited her you can't uninvite her. You are going to have to talk to your aunt and uncle, let them know you didn't realize this would make them so uncomfortable, but you can't take back the invitation. Let them know it is important to you that they attend and then make sure you seat these people at opposite ends of the room.
Moral of the story for new brides to be - do NOT send an invitation if you don't really want that person to attend!
To clarify, I haven't actually sent any invitations. I'm still finalizing the guest list, which is why all of this came up to begin with. I DO want her to come, I wouldn't send her an invite hoping she won't come. My problem is that OTHER PEOPLE don't want her to come.
Also, I didn't mean any offense by the step-aunt thing. I don't consider her any less of an aunt than the "original" aunt, I just used "step-aunt" in my post so that it wasn't as confusing. There were a lot of family members mentioned in my post lol.
Why, 10 years later, is there still drama? If anything, I would think the ex-wife would have more reason to be uncomfortable than the woman who has been with your uncle for ten years. They are being really petty and, it's uncalled for. How does your cousin feel about the whole thing?
That's what I'd like to know lol. My uncle/his wife claim that she is still very bitter about their divorce and that she is nasty about splitting time with the kids, etc. I'm not close to the situation, so I can't say whether or not this is true. It could very well be true, but really, it has nothing to do with me or my wedding. I'm not sure why they feel the need to bring all of this into it.
My cousin doesn't yet know her mom isn't invited and probably hasn't thought about it at this point. I made it clear that they need to be the one to explain why her mother is not invited. They claim she won't care and will understand. I guess we'll see if that turns out to be true.
Trust me, I've said almost exactly this to my mom already. She agrees that they are being petty, but since she doesn't have a crazy high opinion of my cousin's mother either, she's giving in to their demands. I'll continue to bring it up, but I don't see much changing. I'm still shaking my head about it...it's so immature.
If your cousin is old enough and close enough to you to be a bridesmaid, i'm wondering why you haven't brought this up with her. Tell her that you'd like to invite her mother, but her father and step-mother have indicated that her being there would make them uncomfortable. Your cousin probably has a good deal more insight into the situation than your mother, since she is closer to it. See what she has to say. If she thinks her father would actually not go to your wedng because her mother was there, then maybe you don't know very much about her mother's true character. That's a pretty strong reaction. If she thinks her father is just using this as an empty threat on behalf of her step-mother, she will tell you to just invite everyone, and tell them to get over it.
I mean really, what's going to happen when your cousin gets married herself? Is her father going to insist that her mother not be there? That's ridiculoius. My father is literally married to the woman who he was cheating on my mother with while they were married, and none of them are acting like children because they're going to have to be in the same room for my (and my sister's) upcoming weddings.
I do plan on bringing this up with her. I feel as though there is a possibility that her mother has done things that might warrant a negative reaction to her being there. It still has nothing to do with me.
To the bolded: that was my point to my mom. It doesn't make any sense and it sets a really bad precedent for any future weddings in our family.
I think this is kind of offensive. Not all stepmothers are horrible.
I think this is kind of offensive. Not all stepmothers are horrible.
I do too because it seems to be generalizing all stepmothers and automatically calling them bitches
They don't get to tell you who you can or can't invite. I'd be super pissed that they were trying to guilt me or threaten non-attendance. Oh well, don't come then if your drama is more important.
My parents were great and didn't make demands on the guest list, so I feel for you in that respect. Can you talk further with your mom and explain your POV? Why is your mom getting sucked into their nonsense? My mom's response would have been: "I'm sorry that you feel that way but my daughter is free to include anyone she likes at her wedding. We hope you'll join us to celebrate".