Trouble with Bridesmaids

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Hi! I'm Nia and I'm getting married 07.05.14. I have three bridesmaids and a maid of honor. My maid of honor is 21, in college, and lives in another state. That's ok. I knew I would have to foot the bill for her. My other bridesmaids live closer. Two of my bridesmaids live in the next county. Being that this is Long Island, it's not too bad. However, whenever I try to get them together for the bridesmaid dresses, none of them can manage to be there at the same time. I've planned in advance with them for available days but they always have a last minute thing. It's six months until my wedding and I'm starting to get nervous.

I am currently in grad school, so I really won't have that much time to do this with them during the semester. I have tried to be more than accommodating. We went to David's bridal for a cheaper dress that they, themselves, chose together. All they had to do was keep with the color, Tiffany blue. They can wear black dress sandals or pumps. We had planned to do the dresses today. One of the bridesmaids said she didn't have the money to pay. I said, "OK, order it as you can." Since I don't have a car, I take the bus. Another bridesmaid called me while I was on the bus to get there to call me about the same problem. I'm kind of annoyed because I specifically pushed this back because she said she wouldn't be able to pay until then. The third bridesmaid was completely prepared. I know stuff happens but we really need to get things done! Do I have a right to be upset or am I being a bridezilla?

Blue_Bird · January 2014

Since you originally told them that they could get any dress they wanted to in Tiffany Blue, there's no reason for them to all be together. In fact, even if they all chose the same dress, there's no reason for them to be together to buy the dress. They have time.

As for them being able to afford it, that should have been discussed with them privately beforehand. The lowest budget is the cap. Just trust that they'll be adults and either go on their own or buy the dress online. Relax and focus on other, more important aspects of the wedding. ☺

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Don't panic. DB can get dresses in a very short time. (The last one I bought came in 2 weeks). 6 months seems like a short time when you're planning a wedding, but they still have plenty of time. Usually DB will give you a date about 3 months out to guarantee they'll come in time.

Don't worry about everyone being there together or ordering at the same time. They all have the dress info now. They can go when they want, or even call in an order. Call the store and get a deadline to order, pass it along to everyone, and let it go. If they miss the date or have to pay a rush fee, that's their problem.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Hi! I'm Nia and I'm getting married 07.05.14. I have three bridesmaids and a maid of honor. My maid of honor is 21, in college, and lives in another state. That's ok. I knew I would have to foot the bill for her. My other bridesmaids live closer. Two of my bridesmaids live in the next county. Being that this is Long Island, it's not too bad. However, whenever I try to get them together for the bridesmaid dresses, none of them can manage to be there at the same time. I've planned in advance with them for available days but they always have a last minute thing. It's six months until my wedding and I'm starting to get nervous. I am currently in grad school, so I really won't have that much time to do this with them during the semester. I have tried to be more than accommodating. We went to David's bridal for a cheaper dress that they, themselves, chose together. All they had to do was keep with the color, Tiffany blue. They can wear black dress sandals or pumps. We had planned to do the dresses today. One of the bridesmaids said she didn't have the money to pay. I said, "OK, order it as you can." Since I don't have a car, I take the bus. Another bridesmaid called me while I was on the bus to get there to call me about the same problem. I'm kind of annoyed because I specifically pushed this back because she said she wouldn't be able to pay until then. The third bridesmaid was completely prepared. I know stuff happens but we really need to get things done! Do I have a right to be upset or am I being a bridezilla?

I'm confused -- if you've already picked the colour, what else is there? Do you need them all to go shopping together so they can be in the same style dress? If so, you might need to let that go, and instead say, "Buy any knee-length, Tiffany-blue dress" and let it go at that.

To the bold, you say you went to David's Bridal together to get a dress that they themselves chose. If they've chosen the dress and you've chosen the colour, what else do you need them to do that you all have to be together for?

If DB is telling you the dresses all need to be ordered together for dyelot match, that's rubbish -- they can order them from different stores and it will be OK.

Just tell them, "You must order your dresses by X date," and have done with it.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

niabiaxxmoi said:

I'm confused -- if you've already picked the colour, what else is there? Do you need them all to go shopping together so they can be in the same style dress? If so, you might need to let that go, and instead say, "Buy any knee-length, Tiffany-blue dress" and let it go at that.

To the bold, you say you went to David's Bridal together to get a dress that they themselves chose. If they've chosen the dress and you've chosen the colour, what else do you need them to do that you all have to be together for?

If DB is telling you the dresses all need to be ordered together for dyelot match, that's rubbish -- they can order them from different stores and it will be OK.

Just tell them, "You must order your dresses by X date," and have done with it.

Good point. Also, even if you order together, they still don't always come from the same dye lot. When you order a dress from DB, they don't transmit an order to a factory to produce those dresses together. Instead, DB works like any other mass producer. They produce X number of each dress in various colors and sizes, then stock inventory in a couple of warehouses. If you order 3 of the same dress, same color, at the same time, they may very well get one from a warehouse in Indiana that was manufactured on December, one from a warehouse in California that was manufactured in July, and one straight from the manufacturer's March shipment. They can still come from different dye lots and shipments, even if you order them all together.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Ditto PPs, I don't know what the problem is.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

They don't need to be together to buy their dresses, they can do it at their leisure as long as they get their dresses by X date. And you don't need to be there for them to purchases their dresses.

Jen4948 · January 2014

They don't have to purchase their dresses as a group activity. You gave them the color, so I'd just give them a deadline at this point and say, "Get the dresses in that color in the style of your choice and on your own budget by X date."

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

I am a BM in a wedding on the same day as your wedding. I'm not going to get my dress until February. And all of the BMs are spread out through NJ and PA, we are not buying our dresses together and are going to which ever DB is closest for us. Give your BM a final date to order the dress, then leave them alone. If they don't get the dress, they have taken themselves out of the wedding.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

I hope so! That's what I was worried about. Honesty, I wanted them to have the day so we could all get a better understanding of how the measurements will work (none of us have done this before) and to have an in-person discussion. Some things can't be only discussed via text. It just pissed me off that I tried so hard to get them together and listened to their demands about when it could occur only to have them keep ditching at the last minute. It also bothered me that one of them got an attitude that she had to drive an hour when I usually go to her county to visit her via public transportation. I finally passed my road test on Monday but I can't drive until I get insurance. Though calling me to cancel while I was heading over there when we planned this since last December didn't help either.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

I just want to add...Thank-you for the good advice!

Viczaesar · January 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

I hope so! That's what I was worried about. Honesty, I wanted them to have the day so we could all get a better understanding of how the measurements will work (none of us have done this before) and to have an in-person discussion. Some things can't be only discussed via text. It just pissed me off that I tried so hard to get them together and listened to their demands about when it could occur only to have them keep ditching at the last minute. It also bothered me that one of them got an attitude that she had to drive an hour when I usually go to her county to visit her via public transportation. I finally passed my road test on Monday but I can't drive until I get insurance. Though calling me to cancel while I was heading over there when we planned this since last December didn't help either.

So are you okay now with letting them get the dresses on their own at their own pace?

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Yes. Though, if they come up and say that they need more time by the new deadline (February 28th), I will be really upset. I don't think it's wrong to give them a deadline because things do need to get done. I realize that money is an issue, which is why I opted to let them choose their dress and to make them fully aware/remind them of the price at least two weeks in advance. They also had the code of the dress to look up the dress online. What bothered me the most is their disregard for the effort I went through to get them together in person to discuss other things and get more comfortable with each other.

The other reason I wanted to meet in person is that I want to avoid it only being two people making the decisions and leaving out the third person. I want to make sure that everyone gets a say. It's never gone to the point of hostility but I can see that two of the BM get along better than they do with the third BM. As the bride, I feel as if I should make sure everyone is getting along and feels comfortable. The cancelation wasn't fair to the third BM who prepared in advance.

MairePoppy · January 2014

So you want them all to wear the same dress, I'm confused?

You should ask each of them, privately, about their dress budgets and choose a dress that is within the lowest budget. Agree upon a shopping date. Make the selection with whoever shows up for the appointment. Then pass along the information to the other bms. They can get measured in the DB that is convenient to them. To simplify things, even further, give them the color, the length and let them pick whichever style suits them.

You should ask DBs what the last date to order is, not make up some arbitrary deadline. You know what's going to happen? Feb 28th is going to come and go. Someone won't order. You'll be upset for nothing because it doesn't take five months for DB to get dresses.

Why do you think it's necessary for your bms to get to know each other?

Viczaesar · January 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Yes. Though, if they come up and say that they need more time by the new deadline (February 28th), I will be really upset. I don't think it's wrong to give them a deadline because things do need to get done. I realize that money is an issue, which is why I opted to let them choose their dress and to make them fully aware/remind them of the price at least two weeks in advance. They also had the code of the dress to look up the dress online. What bothered me the most is their disregard for the effort I went through to get them together in person to discuss other things and get more comfortable with each other.

The other reason I wanted to meet in person is that I want to avoid it only being two people making the decisions and leaving out the third person. I want to make sure that everyone gets a say. It's never gone to the point of hostility but I can see that two of the BM get along better than they do with the third BM. As the bride, I feel as if I should make sure everyone is getting along and feels comfortable. The cancelation wasn't fair to the third BM who prepared in advance.

What does it matter if they order the dress by the end of February as long as they have it 5 months later, when your actual wedding is?

I'm finding it really hard to understand what you're saying. Is there or is there not a particular dress picked out already? Do they or do they not have the option to pick out whatever dress they want in the color chosen? Do they or do they not have to all have the same dress?

artbyallie · January 2014

Look, they don't have to be friends with each other. They don't even have to like each other. They're only required to be in the same room one day, and that doesn't even necessitate talking to one another.

It sounds like you are maybe wanting them to come to a consensus on one dress for all to wear? It would be so much easier to just let them get any dress from DB in your color. You could even pick a fabric if you wanted. I dislike the idea of a group trying to pick a dress, especially since it seems you have three? I'd be (and have been, actually) the one dissenting voice against the other two who agree on one dress when I want the other, and it wouldn't feel fair, IMO.

AddieCake · January 2014

Viczaesar said:
What does it matter if they order the dress by the end of February as long as they have it 5 months later, when your actual wedding is?

I'm finding it really hard to understand what you're saying. Is there or is there not a particular dress picked out already? Do they or do they not have the option to pick out whatever dress they want in the color chosen? Do they or do they not have to all have the same dress?

This. I thought all they had to do was have the same color dress. Why do they need to get together for anything if you have already given them the color to get and don't care if it's all the same dress? They need the dress by July. Why is there a February deadline?

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Ok, since nobody actually read what I wrote... I had wanted to discuss some things with them in person.

Now, here's the update. I gave them an extra month to get the dress. That is, I gave them until February 28th to get the dress by themselves since none of them could get together to do it. As of yesterday...NONE OF THE THREE BOUGHT THEIR DRESS. There is a February deadline because that is when I want it done. My wedding is in FOUR MONTHS. Any more time is ridiculous. End of story. I wanted to get things done earlier but I was nice enough to let them have two months extra.

One of the girls was telling me that her brother is getting married in October and that they bought the dresses this Saturday. She said that they wanted to get it done earlier. Like I didn't? Another bridesmaid decided to take a plane trip to another state when they said they didn't have money. WTF? Really? And that person still couldn't afford time or money to buy the dress already? The last person was concerned about dress size. Why couldn't they ask me a month earlier and not the day after the deadline? I'm sorry but for you to feel sorry for them is unrealistic. They need to get their shit together. I'm afraid to yell at them now because then I'll get accused of being unfair. I think they are being unfair.

Lastly, it was necessary for them to know each other because that's what BM's are supposed to do. They are supposed to get to know each other if they are going to work with each other. None of them could agree on a date and kept cancelling. There is no point in getting them together or actually letting them do anything. I can't wait until the day of the wedding for them to get their act together. Because of this, I asked my mom and MIL if they could handle all the details of the bridal shower. I do not want to be surprised so I don't think asking them to do it was wrong.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Also, my fiance thinks that I should drop the three of them because of the way they've been blatantly inconsiderate and rude. Do you think this is fair?

AddieCake · March 2014

No, bridesmaids do not have to get to know each other. The only working together they have to do is walk down an aisle and stand next to one another. If they don't get their dresses, they have taken themselves out of the wedding. Oh, well.

MairePoppy · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Ok, since nobody actually read what I wrote... I had wanted to discuss some things with them in person.
Now, here's the update. I gave them an extra month to get the dress. That is, I gave them until February 28th to get the dress by themselves since none of them could get together to do it. As of yesterday...NONE OF THE THREE BOUGHT THEIR DRESS. There is a February deadline because that is when I want it done. My wedding is in FOUR MONTHS. Any more time is ridiculous. End of story. I wanted to get things done earlier but I was nice enough to let them have two months extra.
Yep, this is exactly what I said would happen if you issued another arbitrary due date for ordering the bm dresses. The due date should be based on the stores last date to order. Your friends knew you were making up the date, so they ignored you.
One of the girls was telling me that her brother is getting married in October and that they bought the dresses this Saturday. She said that they wanted to get it done earlier. Like I didn't? Another bridesmaid decided to take a plane trip to another state when they said they didn't have money. WTF? Really? And that person still couldn't afford time or money to buy the dress already? The last person was concerned about dress size. Why couldn't they ask me a month earlier and not the day after the deadline? I'm sorry but for you to feel sorry for them is unrealistic.
Your bms can spend their own money any way they want. They don't have to justify it to you.
They need to get their shit together. I'm afraid to yell at them now because then I'll get accused of being unfair. I think they are being unfair.
They need to get their shit together, or what? Issuing ultimatums or whining about how unfair your friends are will strain your relationships with them.
Lastly, it was necessary for them to know each other because that's what BM's are supposed to do. They are supposed to get to know each other if they are going to work with each other. None of them could agree on a date and kept cancelling. There is no point in getting them together or actually letting them do anything. I can't wait until the day of the wedding for them to get their act together. Because of this, I asked my mom and MIL if they could handle all the details of the bridal shower. I do not want to be surprised so I don't think asking them to do it was wrong.
The bms aren't obligated to work together on a shower. Anyone, except the bride or groom may throw one. Also, a shower is a gift, not an entitlement. The bride shouldn't ask for one or put anyone in charge of throwing one.

niabiaxxmoi said:

Also, my fiance thinks that I should drop the three of them because of the way they've been blatantly inconsiderate and rude. Do you think this is fair?

If you're complaining about your bms to your Fi, of course he's going to wonder why your friends with them. He probably wants you to throw them out because he's tired of hearing about it.

jneen101 · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Lastly, it was necessary for them to know each other because that's what BM's are supposed to do. They are supposed to get to know each other if they are going to work with each other.

Working with each other how? Being in your wedding is not work. I guess the walking down the aisle could be considered "work" by some people but they don't need to know each other to do that. Aren't they walking down alone? I guess if you have a choreographed walking routine perhaps they would need to work that out but I doubt you were planning choreography in David's Bridal anyway.

SP29 · March 2014

OP, you need to take a deep breath and relax!! You are creating unnecessary stress for yourself.

Do I think it's rude that your friends cancelled on you last minute? Yes. But that would be for anything planned, not just dress shopping.

HOWEVER- you DO NOT NEED to get them all together to go shopping. Your BM's don't have to know each other, and they really don't work together.

Once you have told them- David's Bridal, Tiffany Blue, cocktail length dress- leave it at that! They are adults and can go pick out their own dress. As per the measurements- that is very personal and that's what the staff at DB is for!

Your deadline is a bit ridiculous. The most you can do is ask DB, for your wedding date, when do the dresses have to be ordered? Then pass that along. I get you want things done early, but the dresses aren't your responsibility- it is the responsibility of your BMs. If they don't have the dress on time then they have removed them self from your wedding party. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

You are within your full right to remove them from your wedding party, but in addition to being over the top, you need to realize this is a friendship ending move. You are ready to give up your friendships with these people, who are assumedly your nearest and dearest, over a dress???

I had a BM and a MOH. They live in two different provinces. They never met until the rehearsal dinner- they got along smashingly! I told them- David's Bridal, cocktail length, marine. I went with my BM to pick out her dress in late October for a January wedding. My MOH (who lives away), picked out her own dress with her mother in November. She sent me picks because she wanted my opinion, but I told her to get the one she liked best. It all worked out just fine.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Marie Poppy: I think what you said was really out of line with the fiance comment. I said what I said about the money thing because I thought it was rude of them to complain to me that they have no money to spend on the dress that costs less than plane trips cross-country.

SP29 and Marie Poppy: THEY CHOSE THE DRESS THEMSELVES. They were FULLY aware of the price when they chose it in DECEMBER. In fact, I sent texts to them reminding them about the price. I am full right to create a deadline because it is MY wedding, not theirs. What was especially insulting was that after all their cancelling, they now don't want to buy their dresses individually. They now want to buy it as a group. I give up. They can do that on their own time. I don't have time to wait for them or act like their mother to remind them. My mom thinks that I should just extend it to May. If they can't buy the dress by then, then they can't be in the wedding. I don't think it's fair that I should live at their beck and call.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Also, what I meant by working together is that they'll be doing things together. I don't even care anymore. I have given up with this wedding.

I can't even get my fiance to do anything that's not last minute either, which is weird because he's the one who insisted that we shouldn't just elope. My fiance is the only child, so his parents are bent on having some things their way. They're paying for the extra stuff, but it's kind of really annoying. I should be able to chose my own invitations or have a say on whether or not I want a band at my own wedding. My mom is finally getting the materials so we can go to a seamstress to get my dress made. I would have already had a dress and paid for it myself but my mom wouldn't hear of it. This is not my wedding whatsoever. I have no say in anything. To have my friends act they way they are is just topping on the cake.

AddieCake · March 2014

Ahhh, now it makes a little more sense. It's more that you are frustrated all around. I get that. Unfortunately, if someone else pays for something, they often get to make decisions about that something. Try your best to relax and enjoy the things you DO have control over and can enjoy. Your maids still have plenty of time to get dresses. Tell your fiance how you feel. He should be helping you with things since it's his wedding too and he didn't want to elope.

LadyMillil · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Marie Poppy: I think what you said was really out of line with the fiance comment. I said what I said about the money thing because I thought it was rude of them to complain to me that they have no money to spend on the dress that costs less than plane trips cross-country.

SP29 and Marie Poppy: THEY CHOSE THE DRESS THEMSELVES. They were FULLY aware of the price when they chose it in DECEMBER. In fact, I sent texts to them reminding them about the price. I am full right to create a deadline because it is MY wedding, not theirs. What was especially insulting was that after all their cancelling, they now don't want to buy their dresses individually. They now want to buy it as a group. I give up. They can do that on their own time. I don't have time to wait for them or act like their mother to remind them. My mom thinks that I should just extend it to May. If they can't buy the dress by then, then they can't be in the wedding. I don't think it's fair that I should live at their beck and call.

I know it is stressful waiting for them to order the dress, but the only deadline that matters is the order deadline from DB. Find out when they need to order the dress by so that there will be enough time for any alterations and tell them that is the deadline. Maybe give them a reminder a week or 2 before. When the deadline that you give them is your deadline and not the order deadline it is easy for them to prioritize doing stuff in their lives ahead of getting the dress by your deadline because there are no consequences to missing your deadline if the dress can still be ordered and arrive on time for the wedding.

Please do not ask any members of your wedding party to step down because they don't get the dress by your deadline, even if it is stressing you out. I was asked to leave a bridal party because I didn't get my dress by the brides' deadline. Her deadline was 3 months before the order deadline and I was working 2 jobs and going to school and it was exam period. I didn't have the time then to get the dress, but would have been able to purchase it less than a month later, still 2 months before the order deadline. That was "too stressful" for the bride and I was told if I didn't get the dress by her deadline I could no longer be in the bridal party. That completely ruined our relationship.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Thanks, Addie!

Cmfarr- I completely understand the situation that you were in. I do have to say this situation is different. None of the girls are in a situation similar to yours. This does not mean that I don't respect their schedules or their lives in general because I sincerely do. I'm just tired of being cancelled on or having to push back a deadline. All of this stuff is just sending the message that they don't care whatsoever. I know that they won't want to be treated this way when they get married. After this experience, if anyone asks me to become a BM, I'm going to buy the dress as soon as it's available to purchase.

Viczaesar · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Ok, since nobody actually read what I wrote... I had wanted to discuss some things with them in person.
Now, here's the update. I gave them an extra month to get the dress. That is, I gave them until February 28th to get the dress by themselves since none of them could get together to do it. As of yesterday...NONE OF THE THREE BOUGHT THEIR DRESS. There is a February deadline because that is when I want it done. My wedding is in FOUR MONTHS. Any more time is ridiculous. End of story. I wanted to get things done earlier but I was nice enough to let them have two months extra.
One of the girls was telling me that her brother is getting married in October and that they bought the dresses this Saturday. She said that they wanted to get it done earlier. Like I didn't? Another bridesmaid decided to take a plane trip to another state when they said they didn't have money. WTF? Really? And that person still couldn't afford time or money to buy the dress already? The last person was concerned about dress size. Why couldn't they ask me a month earlier and not the day after the deadline? I'm sorry but for you to feel sorry for them is unrealistic. They need to get their shit together. I'm afraid to yell at them now because then I'll get accused of being unfair. I think they are being unfair.
Lastly, it was necessary for them to know each other because that's what BM's are supposed to do. They are supposed to get to know each other if they are going to work with each other. None of them could agree on a date and kept cancelling. There is no point in getting them together or actually letting them do anything. I can't wait until the day of the wedding for them to get their act together. Because of this, I asked my mom and MIL if they could handle all the details of the bridal shower. I do not want to be surprised so I don't think asking them to do it was wrong.

RE bolded #1: You are being a control freak. They can get the dress anytime they damn well want, as long as they have it in time for your wedding. Back the hell off of them and let them worry about it. It doesn't affect you at all until the day of your wedding.

RE bolded #2: No. Not correct in any way. They don't need to get to know each other; they know you, and that's all they need to know. They're not 'working together.' There is no working, period. They have no act to get together.

You asking your mom and MIL to host a shower for you was egregiously rude.

Viczaesar · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Also, my fiance thinks that I should drop the three of them because of the way they've been blatantly inconsiderate and rude. Do you think this is fair?

Fuck no.

Viczaesar · March 2014

niabiaxxmoi said:

Marie Poppy: I think what you said was really out of line with the fiance comment. I said what I said about the money thing because I thought it was rude of them to complain to me that they have no money to spend on the dress that costs less than plane trips cross-country.

SP29 and Marie Poppy: THEY CHOSE THE DRESS THEMSELVES. They were FULLY aware of the price when they chose it in DECEMBER. In fact, I sent texts to them reminding them about the price. I am full right to create a deadline because it is MY wedding, not theirs. What was especially insulting was that after all their cancelling, they now don't want to buy their dresses individually. They now want to buy it as a group. I give up. They can do that on their own time. I don't have time to wait for them or act like their mother to remind them. My mom thinks that I should just extend it to May. If they can't buy the dress by then, then they can't be in the wedding. I don't think it's fair that I should live at their beck and call.

Then why didn't you bother to actually answer our many questions about this before? And you complain that WE didn't read?

Just let them be in charge of buying their own dress. You don't need to have your nose all up in this business. You're the one creating drama here, not them. It does not matter when they buy the dress as long as they have it the day of your wedding. Period. End of statement. If the dress has already been decided then they just need to get it on their own schedule. Do not give them another deadline. Let it be their problem. Don't continue to micromanage your bridesmaids.

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