can I have my guest buy their own dinner between...

rbradford19 · March 2014

I want a late afternoon ceremony, but an after dinner cocktail reception. Is it OK to let my guests go for dinner whatever they want after the ceremony while we do photos, the meet up after for the party? I would serve light food and dessert.

AddieCake · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

I want a late afternoon ceremony, but an after dinner cocktail reception. Is it OK to let my guests go for dinner whatever they want after the ceremony while we do photos, the meet up after for the party? I would serve light food and dessert.

No. You need to at least host SOME kind of reception immediately following your event. I would not go to a wedding, go get my own dinner and then join you for dessert.

chibiyui · March 2014

Nope. You should host something immediately after your ceremony. If your ceremony/reception falls over a meal time you must provide a meal.

Put yourself in your guests shoes for a moment. Do you want to travel to wedding, then spend 2 hours looking around a town you don't know for dinner, while all gussied up, and THEN go to the reception for hor d'oeuvres and dessert?

CMGragain · March 2014

No!!!! Horribly rude idea! You must either serve all of your guests a meal, or reschedule your ceremony to 2:00 PM, followed by a cake and punch reception.

This idea is really awful! You can afford cocktails, but you can't afford to feed your guests dinner? Alcohol is not necessary at all. Dry weddings are perfectly fine. Not feeding your guests at dinner time is completely rude and unacceptable. You have your priorities completely out of order!
It doesn't have to be prime rib. Pasta entrees or chicken can be budget friendly. If you are having a late afternoon or evening ceremony, YOU MUST SERVE A FULL MEAL!!! No way around this one!

LondonLisa · March 2014

No, firstly, you cannot have a gap in between your ceremony and reception. If a couple would like to do photos after their ceremony, they have a "cocktail hour" where they host their guests before the main reception. This can only be an hour maximum and refreshments and food needs to be served, even if it is just punch and cheese and vegetable trays, fruit etc.

Secondly, you are having your ceremony/reception at a meal time so you must serve a full meal. This needn't be expensive, you could host pasta or BBQ.

If you do not want to pay for a meal, you need to move your ceremony and reception to start at 2 and finish by 5:30 or start your ceremony after 8pm. You need to serve some kind of refreshments, even if it is just cake and punch. Other budget friendly options are Afternoon Tea reception, Brunch receptions or Dessert receptions (however, if you have a dessert reception also have some savoury items like cheese, fruit and crackers). Again, remember, no gaps so the ceremony must be immediately before your reception.

You don't need to serve alcohol, but if you would like to serve it, you must host it. It can be beer and wine only, but you cannot have a cash bar or a partial cash bar (this is rude).

mysticl · March 2014

CMGragain said:

No!!!! Horribly rude idea! You must either serve all of your guests a meal, or reschedule your ceremony to 2:00 PM, followed by a cake and punch reception.

This idea is really awful! You can afford cocktails, but you can't afford to feed your guests dinner? Alcohol is not necessary at all. Dry weddings are perfectly fine. Not feeding your guests at dinner time is completely rude and unacceptable. You have your priorities completely out of order!
It doesn't have to be prime rib. Pasta entrees or chicken can be budget friendly. If you are having a late afternoon or evening ceremony, YOU MUST SERVE A FULL MEAL!!! No way around this one!

It doesn't sound like a money issue to me at all. She wants to get married in the afternoon but wants to have an evening cocktail reception. Sounds more like she has a pretty picture in her head she is trying to make come true.

OP, like others have said this is a bad idea. It's the kind of thing that would have people talking about your wedding for years, and not in a good way.

misscoffeeplease · March 2014

No way. Absolutely rude.

climbingsingle · March 2014

Nope.

rbradford19 · March 2014

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work!

But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

zitiqueen · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

Oh, pumpkin. As soon as you involve other people, it stops being about you.

KatWAG · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

Give me a break. That it so entitled.

The ceremony is about the bride and groom. The reception is a thank you to your guests. The moment you invite one guest, the day stops being just about you and your fi.

Cash bars are rude for the same reason that asking your guests to buy their own dinner is rude. Seeing as the reception is a thank you, you need to properly host your guests. That means they should NEVER have to open their wallets.

And I dont understand why you cant get married in the garden and then have martinis, HDvs, etc after. As long as your reception isnt at a meal time you dont need to serve a full meal.

zitiqueen · March 2014

You should probably just send your guests an itemized bill with the invitation that covers everything, from their share of the reception venue to their share of the hors d'oeuvres, martinis, and champagne. Tell them that for X amount of dollars they are entitled to X amount of hors d'oeuvres, one martini, and one small toasting flute of champagne. This way you get all of the money in advance.

CrazyCatLady3 · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

This comment makes me think we're dealing with a troll here.

bananasplit472001 · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

I want a late afternoon ceremony, but an after dinner cocktail reception. Is it OK to let my guests go for dinner whatever they want after the ceremony while we do photos, the meet up after for the party? I would serve light food and dessert.

No. You should be starting your reception within a reasonable time after your ceremony. Like less than and hour or directly after if you do not have to travel to the reception space. I would recommend you do photos before the ceremony or during a scheduled cocktail hour so that your guests will have something to eat while they are waiting for the main reception. Even if your serving light food and dessert you can always space it out where there is a designated cocktail hour so that you may take photos.

zitiqueen · March 2014

We have to give it some credit for including the groom, instead of the usual "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE, IT'S MY DAY!"

KatWAG · March 2014

zitiqueen said:

You should probably just send your guests an itemized bill with the invitation that covers everything, from their share of the reception venue to their share of the hors d'oeuvres, martinis, and champagne. Tell them that for X amount of dollars they are entitled to X amount of hors d'oeuvres, one martini, and one small toasting flute of champagne. This way you get all of the money in advance.

Dont foget to add a line on the invoice for the cash gift.

singinchick13 · March 2014

Your guests have decided to share in the day with you, so it is THEIR day too. They deserve to be hosted properly. Surely you would not invite them to your home and then expect them to pay for drinks? And no it is not okay to expect your nearest and dearest to spend their entire day hanging around killing time until your reception begins. If I were invited to a wedding where I was expected to go find somewhere to eat dinner, wait around and then get to a 'reception' where I was going to be buying my own drinks I don't think I would attend. Especially if I lived OOT.

rbradford19 · March 2014

I never said I was making anyone pay for dinner AND drinks. I'm just trying to figure out if there is a way to fill in the 2 hour gap while we do photos and make our way over to the reception site. But I still stand by what I said about cash bars. I have been to plenty of weddings with them and it has never been an issue to any of my friends and family. Liquor is not a requirement that all guest are entitled to. If a couple doesn't want to pay for booze they shouldn't have to.

jessicabessica · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

I never said I was making anyone pay for dinner AND drinks. I'm just trying to figure out if there is a way to fill in the 2 hour gap while we do photos and make our way over to the reception site. But I still stand by what I said about cash bars. I have been to plenty of weddings with them and it has never been an issue to any of my friends and family. Liquor is not a requirement that all guest are entitled to. If a couple doesn't want to pay for booze they shouldn't have to.

A dry wedding is perfectly fine. But if you want people to be eating fancy hors d'oeuvres and drinking crazy cocktails, you host those things. You don't have your guests open their wallets at an event that you are hosting.

To address your gap issue, why can't you have the sort of reception you want immediately following your ceremony? Have heavy hors d'oeuvres (I would include several stations in addition to passed items) and a seat for every guest. You can have enough food to fill people up at dinner time without having a plated, sit down meal. Limit your photos to 1 hour and take them while your guests enjoy cocktail hour, or do your photos before the ceremony.

CMGragain · March 2014

Cash Bar? Let's see, Emily Post, Miss Manners, Amy Vanderbilt, just about every reg. here VS. YOUR PERSONAL OPINION. Hm. I think I'll go with the experts, not you.

AddieCake · March 2014

You're right. If a couple doesn't want to pay for booze, they don't have to. They should then have a dry wedding. Guests should never have to open their wallets at a party you are hosting for them. Would you invite people to a dinner party in your home and then charge them for a glass of wine?

artbyallie · March 2014

You want to take picture for two hours? So you and your wedding party don't get dinner at all? Look, you can have an afternoon ceremony with a cocktail reception afterward, provided none of the event overlaps with a meal time. Just do the ceremony at 2 with the reception immediately after and ending by 5. Do all your photos beforehand (i.e. feed you and your attendants lunch and do pictures starting at noon or so).

rbradford19 · March 2014

So it is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, but giving guests the option of buying a glass of wine if they really want one instead of your fruit punch is not? So glad you bitches aren't my friends. Go do exactly as Emily Post tells you if that is what makes you happy.

erinlin25 · March 2014

zitiqueen said:

rbradford19 said:

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.
Oh, pumpkin. As soon as you involve other people, it stops being about you.

seriously!? And your guests are just there to give you gifts, right!? WOW. Get over yourself. Have your pretty garden wedding and host a nice cocktail hour while you take your pictures and then have your reception. OR take your pretty garden pictures before the ceremony so you can be a good host and go straight to your cocktail reception. And yes cash bars are rude. You mean they need to give you gifts AND pay for their dinner and drinks. NO.

Jen4948 · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

It doesn't matter whether it's a money issue.

And sorry, but cash bars are rude. It's rude to expect guests to pay for anything at your wedding. You are hosting them-that means, you pay. All this " It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies" is an insanely rude attitude to have. Also, "the bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day" is bullshit and extremely rudely entitled as well.

You're barking up the wrong trees.

QueerFemme · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

So it is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, but giving guests the option of buying a glass of wine if they really want one instead of your fruit punch is not? So glad you bitches aren't my friends. Go do exactly as Emily Post tells you if that is what makes you happy.

So, if you invite people over to your house for dinner, you can serve chicken, but say, "hey, if you want lobster, we have that also, but you'll have to leave $25.00 with the kitchen!"

Of course not, you would serve whatever you want to and can afford to serve. And as guests, people should happily accept whatever you are serving (with reason, you don't want to serve only cheese and crackers at a dinner time party).

You host what you can afford and your guests should happily accept what is being hosted. Having a cash bar is the same as asking your guests to subsidize your wedding expenses. You want to host liquor, you should pay for it. If you don't want to have liquor, that's ok as well. Not having liquor certainly changes the tone of a wedding reception, but if you want that party atmosphere, you should be the one paying for it, not your guests.

QueerFemme · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

So it is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, but giving guests the option of buying a glass of wine if they really want one instead of your fruit punch is not? So glad you bitches aren't my friends. Go do exactly as Emily Post tells you if that is what makes you happy.

By the way, if you want 2 hours worth of pretty garden photos. Do a first look and have the pictures taken before the ceremony. Your guests don't need to be "pampered", but they do need to be properly hosted.

And just because you haven't heard people complaining about cash bars and tacky weddings, doesn't mean they aren't actually complaining. They just aren't complaining to YOU. Maybe they know that you are ok with it, so they won't say it to your face. But, plenty of people mumble under their breath when they have to go find an ATM or break out a credit card to get something to drink at an event that should be hosted.

By the way, calling people bitches is likely to get you banned around here.

Blue_Bird · March 2014

MUD

AddieCake · March 2014

We're bitches because we don't think guests should have to pay for things at a wedding and think it's ok not to serve alcohol? If you think that's what makes someone a bitch, you should probably get out more.

Viczaesar · March 2014

rbradford19 said:

So it is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, but giving guests the option of buying a glass of wine if they really want one instead of your fruit punch is not? So glad you bitches aren't my friends. Go do exactly as Emily Post tells you if that is what makes you happy.

@KnotPorscha, TOS violation.

rbradford19 · March 2014

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

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