MOG walking down the aisle

arwlodyka · March 2014

So, I went off and got married this weekend and had an absolutely fabulous time but some drama created by the MOG at the rehearsal is still haunting us.

Some background - we decided not to have the MOG or any sets of grandparents walk down the aisle but we did have my brother escort my mother to her seat in the processional. All parents and grandparents had reserved seats in the front row and were seated after all the guests were but before the processional began and did not walk down the aisle.

Apparently because in her other sons weddings she walked down the aisle my now MIL assumed that she would be walking down the aisle and threw a massive fit when my DOC explained who we had chosen to take part in the processional. Rather than voice her hurt feelings or opinions to my DH and myself she sat down with her boyfriend and mother and proceeded to badmouth her opinions. When the practicing of the processional actually began she stormed out of the rehearsal.

When I realized what had happened (because at the time I was in a happy wedding fog) I thought she might have been embarrassed by not knowing this information beforehand so I relented and said she could walk down the aisle after the groomsmen (her sons) and before the bridesmaids. This was not good enough for her and she said it was disrespectful to her to make her walk down alone. Again I conceded and said she could walk down with her mother. I guess this was an even worse idea as she never even replied.

Since this happened on Friday, and basically all communications were through my DOC and DH, she has not spoken to me. That's right, my MIL did not speak to me at my rehearsal dinner, did not show up to get ready for the wedding, ignored my texts re-iterating that she was invited, did not speak to my at my wedding nor at the brunch the next day. I tried multiple times to communicate with her, I approached her during our pre-ceremony pictures and she walked away, when I visited her table during the reception she turned away from me and when I said "good morning" to her at brunch she began speaking to someone else.

This morning my DH and I woke up to passive aggressive FB messages from her with this link (http://www.ehow.com/info_8587364_wedding-etiquette-seating-mothers.html). My husband and I are on the same page, we paid for our own wedding and decided what fit best for us was to not have her walk down the aisle. We think we did everything we could to pacify her and be the adults but she is refusing to reciprocate this. Thoughts?

kmmssg · March 2014

OK - my first question is why was YOUR mother in the processional and not your MIL? I'm a MOB and can see where that would be a public slap in the face. If there is some backstory here this would be a good time to include it.

zizibet · March 2014

Do I think your MIL is being ridiculous? Yes. That said, her feelings are clearly hurt, and honestly, I don't understand why you chose to die on this hill.TBH-especially if this behavior is typical of her. I think your H-since it's his mother-needs to apologize for hurting her feelings and not telling her beforehand what was going to happen. Leaving that for the DOC was a crappy move-it is traditional for the MOG to be escorted, and if you didn't want to, your FI should have told her this wasn't happening. But you both need to do a bit of groveling. It doesn't matter why you made the decision, you guys let her hear this from a stranger and are now surprised she's upset. Think about how this must have looked to the rest of the family when your mom was escorted, but she was not.

arwlodyka · March 2014

kmmssg said:

OK - my first question is why was YOUR mother in the processional and not your MIL? I'm a MOB and can see where that would be a public slap in the face. If there is some backstory here this would be a good time to include it.

Definitely some back story - my father was not in the picture so I did not have anyone to walk me down the aisle. Instead, I had my brother and my mother give me away but as there was not space in the aisle for them to walk on either side of me they walked directly in front of me.

arwlodyka · March 2014

zizibet said:

Do I think your MIL is being ridiculous? Yes. That said, her feelings are clearly hurt, and honestly, I don't understand why you chose to die on this hill.TBH-especially if this behavior is typical of her. I think your H-since it's his mother-needs to apologize for hurting her feelings and not telling her beforehand what was going to happen. Leaving that for the DOC was a crappy move-it is traditional for the MOG to be escorted, and if you didn't want to, your FI should have told her this wasn't happening. But you both need to do a bit of groveling. It doesn't matter why you made the decision, you guys let her hear this from a stranger and are now surprised she's upset. Think about how this must have looked to the rest of the family when your mom was escorted, but she was not.

We didn't mention anything to her prior to the rehearsal because we honestly just didn't think of it. I thought it wasn't traditional for the MOG to walk down the aisle so I didn't think it needed to be said. I know ignorance is no excuse for bad behavior and I do feel bad that she was embarrassed.

Also, I would have been happy to discuss with it to her face to face but I had no idea any of this was happening. We were running through the rehearsal and I was standing at the bottom of a hill alone when my DOC calls me to confirm the order of the processional. I guess this was her way of double checking that MOG was not walking but I did not know this. As soon as my bridesmaids and DOC told me about MOGs tantrum I immediately tried to reach out to her but she had already left the venue. Once I reached the rehearsal dinner I tried to speak with her but was shut out. My H and my mother also both tried to speak with her as they could see I was stressing out but she refused to speak with them either. Her exact words to my H were, " try speaking to me again when I don't feel like throttling someone."

kmmssg · March 2014

kmmssg said:

OK - my first question is why was YOUR mother in the processional and not your MIL? I'm a MOB and can see where that would be a public slap in the face. If there is some backstory here this would be a good time to include it.

Definitely some back story - my father was not in the picture so I did not have anyone to walk me down the aisle. Instead, I had my brother and my mother give me away but as there was not space in the aisle for them to walk on either side of me they walked directly in front of me.

STUCK IN THE BOX

I'm sorry but I am not making the connection between your Dad not being involved and your MIL not being escorted. The MOG is escorted prior to the MOB and her escort. Am I missing something?

arwlodyka · March 2014

And to be clear, as soon as I was made aware that I had possibly made a mistake I DID say that she should walk down the aisle. I spoke with my DOC and the DJ to ensure that this happened but she refused. This was just the tipping point - from there she continued to have hissy fits that really escalated the whole situation.

She invited her boyfriends mother to the wedding the night of the rehearsal dinner, she invited a friend of her sons (who we do not get along with), she was bad-mouthing both myself and my family during the rehearsal dinner in front of my family and the list goes on.

I am totally fallible and realize that I made a mistake but I guess maybe I am looking for validation that I did what needed to be done to fix it and maybe advice on how to move forward from this as I am hurt by her actions but mostly just very, very angry.

arwlodyka · March 2014

kmmssg said:

show previous quotes

kmmssg said:

OK - my first question is why was YOUR mother in the processional and not your MIL? I'm a MOB and can see where that would be a public slap in the face. If there is some backstory here this would be a good time to include it.

Definitely some back story - my father was not in the picture so I did not have anyone to walk me down the aisle. Instead, I had my brother and my mother give me away but as there was not space in the aisle for them to walk on either side of me they walked directly in front of me.

STUCK IN THE BOX

I'm sorry but I am not making the connection between your Dad not being involved and your MIL not being escorted. The MOG is escorted prior to the MOB and her escort. Am I missing something?

I was just trying to clarify why MOB was included but not MOG. I guess from your comment that it IS traditional for the MOG to be escorted down and what it boils down to is I did not know this.

Ven&Radio · March 2014

There's nothing wrong with breaking with tradition and doing things your way. However, when you make a decision that may not be what is expected/common/traditional and may offend someone, you need to tell that person ahead of time so they know what to expect. In my experience, it's normal for the parents of the bride and groom to process down the aisle. I think it's completely understandable why your MIL was offended. You and your H made really shitty decisions by omitting her and not telling her. Finally, it was extremely unfair to include the MOB and exclude the MOG. As Zizbet said, imagine how that would look to everyone else -- it's a very clear and public slight against the MOG.

arwlodyka · March 2014

Ven&Radio said:

There's nothing wrong with breaking with tradition and doing things your way. However, when you make a decision that may not be what is expected/common/traditional and may offend someone, you need to tell that person ahead of time so they know what to expect. In my experience, it's normal for the parents of the bride and groom to process down the aisle. I think it's completely understandable why your MIL was offended. You and your H made really shitty decisions by omitting her and not telling her. Finally, it was extremely unfair to include the MOB and exclude the MOG. As Zizbet said, imagine how that would look to everyone else -- it's a very clear and public slight against the MOG.

Alright, that's fair and I understand. Moving forward, I tried to make things better by acknowledging that slight at the rehearsal and asking her to walk down the aisle either alone or with her mother (which is what she did at a previous wedding). She refused this offer and instead started a string of petty actions that I guess serve as punishment. What now?

delujm0 · March 2014

You should apologize to her face to face, and tell her you had no idea that it was traditional for the MOG to be in the processional, and that you are terribly sorry to have hurt her feelings. It's possible that she'll be punishing you for this for a while.

What i can't understand is why didn't your DOC get involved here? Surely he/she has been to dozens of weddings and realizes that the mothers have been in the processionals in nearly every one of them. My planner would at least point out a slight like this before she let me go through with it.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

I don't think you intentionally did wrong. I think a misunderstanding caused hurry feelings. I would tri top apologize face to face I've time, just you and her. Explain that your mess up was through ignorance and not malice. Then move on, don't dwell on it, even if she does. She should graciously accept your apology. If she doesn't, that is her problem. In the scheme of life it is such a little detail and if she clings onto it after your apologized, it will just make her look petty and should not reflect on you.

MobKaz · March 2014

delujm0 said:

You should apologize to her face to face, and tell her you had no idea that it was traditional for the MOG to be in the processional, and that you are terribly sorry to have hurt her feelings. It's possible that she'll be punishing you for this for a while.

What i can't understand is why didn't your DOC get involved here? Surely he/she has been to dozens of weddings and realizes that the mothers have been in the processionals in nearly every one of them. My planner would at least point out a slight like this before she let me go through with it.

I agree. Your DOC may have to abide by your plans, but at the very least she should have explained the typical sequence and expectations.

Your MIL's response and continued behavior is immature to be sure. However, from her POV, she was blindsided and probably felt it was a deliberate slight. It's unfortunate her response prevented any possible resolution to the problem. I agree that you should make an attempt to apologize to her in person. If she refuses to acknowledge the apology, then that is on her.

As an anecdote for lurkers, something similar happened at my son's wedding. I knew he would probably have no interest in a mother/son dance at the wedding. He hates dancing. I wondered if he would even dance with his bride. We discussed it prior to the wedding. He mentioned that his bride would also not be dancing with her father. I KNEW her father would NOT be expecting that, as he had talked about it in prior conversations. I strongly urged my son to encourage his FI to let her dad know prior to the wedding that the dance would not occur. It would have broken his heart, and caused great embarrassment, to be caught off guard with his expectation. When the father/daughter dance typically would have begun, you could see the look of sadness in his eyes. But at least he had been forewarned.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

First of all, how did you NOT know that this was traditional? Seriously, I'm asking. Second of all, when it became clear that this (rightfully) offended her, why didn't you ask her, 'OK, FMIL, what would you like to do?' I agree that your FMIL is being petty and vindictive, but you also slighted her pretty majorly on a very important day in her son's life, so I kind of understand where she's coming from. Also, the fact that your father isn't in the picture doesn't mean that your FMIL is any less of her son's mother. My husband's parents aren't in the picture (they're alive, but he doesn't see them, and they weren't invited to our wedding, although they attended anyway). His grandmother was seated directly before my mother during the seating of the mothers -- his grandmother, my mother, the bridesmaids, the ring bearers, me and my dad. Had he not had his grandmother, we would not have foregone having my mother seated, just because he didn't have someone to have seated in honour. I think you and your DH both need to apologise to her, tell her you didn't mean to offend her and you were wrong to assume she wanted to walk alone or with her mother (you mention her BF -- he could have escorted her, no?), you shouldn't have let your DOC handle it, you're sorry, etc. Also, ditto the PPs who mentioned that your DOC should have said to you, 'It's unusual not to seat the MOG, did you mean to omit that?' ETA: where in the hell are my paragraphs, TK?! ETF: effing paragraphs

MairePoppy · March 2014

Another MOB, here. You goofed big time. You insulted your MIL in front of her family and friends, by including your mom and not her. You can't understand how hurtful that was? Then you complicated things further by offering to let her walk with her mother. That was rude to her escort.

I'd suggest that you and your husband (because he's also at fault) send her flowers and a written apology. You must acknowledge that you were wrong and stop making excuses for your bad behavior. Let her know that you would like to have a good relationship with her.

Just curious, was your DOC a professional vendor that you paid?

arwlodyka said:

So, I went off and got married this weekend and had an absolutely fabulous time but some drama created by the MOG at the rehearsal is still haunting us.

Some background - we decided not to have the MOG or any sets of grandparents walk down the aisle but we did have my brother escort my mother to her seat in the processional. All parents and grandparents had reserved seats in the front row and were seated after all the guests were but before the processional began and did not walk down the aisle.

Apparently because in her other sons weddings she walked down the aisle my now MIL assumed that she would be walking down the aisle and threw a massive fit when my DOC explained who we had chosen to take part in the processional. Rather than voice her hurt feelings or opinions to my DH and myself she sat down with her boyfriend and mother and proceeded to badmouth her opinions. When the practicing of the processional actually began she stormed out of the rehearsal.

When I realized what had happened (because at the time I was in a happy wedding fog) I thought she might have been embarrassed by not knowing this information beforehand so I relented and said she could walk down the aisle after the groomsmen (her sons) and before the bridesmaids. This was not good enough for her and she said it was disrespectful to her to make her walk down alone. Again I conceded and said she could walk down with her mother. I guess this was an even worse idea as she never even replied.

Since this happened on Friday, and basically all communications were through my DOC and DH, she has not spoken to me. That's right, my MIL did not speak to me at my rehearsal dinner, did not show up to get ready for the wedding, ignored my texts re-iterating that she was invited, did not speak to my at my wedding nor at the brunch the next day. I tried multiple times to communicate with her, I approached her during our pre-ceremony pictures and she walked away, when I visited her table during the reception she turned away from me and when I said "good morning" to her at brunch she began speaking to someone else.

This morning my DH and I woke up to passive aggressive FB messages from her with this link (http://www.ehow.com/info_8587364_wedding-etiquette-seating-mothers.html). My husband and I are on the same page, we paid for our own wedding and decided what fit best for us was to not have her walk down the aisle. We think we did everything we could to pacify her and be the adults but she is refusing to reciprocate this. Thoughts?

tammym1001 · March 2014

What you did was horrible to your MIL. I can't imagine how she felt finding out in front of everyone that your mom would be walking down the aisle, but she wouldn't. You also should have asked her how she would like to be walked down the aisle once you apologized to her. The two options you gave her was not a way to make it up to her. She should have been allowed to be escorted by her BF. I think you need to apologize to her immediately. Whatever she did to you after that happened I'm sure was out of hurt and the fact that she probably thinks you did this on purpose because seriously, who doesn't know that the MOG should be escorted down the aisle?

FWIW, my mother has asked not to be a part of the processional. She would prefer to just come in and take her seat with the rest of the guest. I am still going to ask my FMIL if she would like to be a part of the processional. If she does, then she absolutely will be. One parent not being in the processional, i.e. your father, shouldn't affect anyone else in the processional.

mysticl · March 2014

Did your husband not notice that she was escorted in at his brothers' weddings and think that she might be expecting that at his?

TeddiD34 · March 2014

nm

(ETA; found my answer)

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

I think the OP realizes she made a mistake. (And why is this just on her, what about her husband, it is his mother. She shouldn't be more accountable because she is the bride). Now, I don't think your MIL is handling this well either, but I do understand why she would be upset. However, that is no excuse for bad mouthing her DIL and her family.

I think since OP's mother was her escort, she and her husband thought it was fine to skip the processional of the mothers. Not everyone does the grandparent processional, even if the grandparents attend the wedding, so maybe that was their thought process.

OP, you and your husband need to apologize to his mother.

ETA: Also, the mother processional is common in Christian weddings, but Jewish weddings have the groom escorted by both his parents and the bride escorted by both her parents, so the mother processional isn't common in every culture.

lc07 · March 2014

laurynm84 said:

I think the OP realizes she made a mistake. (And why is this just on her, what about her husband, it is his mother. She shouldn't be more accountable because she is the bride). Now, I don't think your MIL is handling this well either, but I do understand why she would be upset. However, that is no excuse for bad mouthing her DIL and her family.

I think since OP's mother was her escort, she and her husband thought it was fine to skip the processional of the mothers. Not everyone does the grandparent processional, even if the grandparents attend the wedding, so maybe that was their thought process.

OP, you and your husband need to apologize to his mother.

ETA: Also, the mother processional is common in Christian weddings, but Jewish weddings have the groom escorted by both his parents and the bride escorted by both her parents, so the mother processional isn't common in every culture.

I beg to differ on one point - The parents are still walking in the processional in the Jewish ceremony. And in OP's case, it doesn't sound like her mother really escorted her. She says her mother and brother walked in front of her. It sounds more like her brother escorted her mother down the aisle and the bride came after them. OP, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Regardless, OP, I appreciate that you realize this was a mistake and I hope that you find a humble way to truly apologize and explain that this was not an intentional slight. I wish you all the best in repairing your relationship with your MIL.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

blueeyes90 said:
HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.

Seriously? Well, OK, then. That baffles me, given the absolute glut of things out there that depict how people walk down the aisle in various formation.

Also, OP said they 'decided' which means they knew it was unusual. If it were the norm, they wouldn't have had to decide anything, it just would have been how it was.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

show previous quotes
HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.
Seriously? Well, OK, then. That baffles me, given the absolute glut of things out there that depict how people walk down the aisle in various formation. Also, OP said they 'decided' which means they knew it was unusual. If it were the norm, they wouldn't have had to decide anything, it just would have been how it was.

You have me on that one. I also would have asked people what they prefer and not decide anything without consulting my parents at the very least. I would have asked my mom "hey, do you want little brother to walk you down the aisle" and FI's mom passed away, but I would have assumed that they walk the groom down the aisle before the bridal party comes down and I would have FI take care of those details (talk to his parents). FFIL is currently planning on walking FI down the aisle. He wanted to walk down the aisle, who am I to stop him? Doesn't matter what tradition is for that bit, I don't think anyone will be offended.

Knottie13986838 · June 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

show previous quotes
blueeyes90 said:
HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.
Seriously? Well, OK, then. That baffles me, given the absolute glut of things out there that depict how people walk down the aisle in various formation.

Also, OP said they 'decided' which means they knew it was unusual. If it were the norm, they wouldn't have had to decide anything, it just would have been how it was.

Seriously until I saw this I had no idea that the mog walks down the isle and sorry to say this is a tradition I will not be using. Won't be using the grandparents either they will have reserved seats and can walk in after all guest but it will not be part of the procession.

I mean to each their own, I never realized this was a big deal. But I will make sure everyone knows before the rehearsal.

I don't think all of the blame falls on you if you didn't know I understand that because I didn't and I have been to my share of weddings. But the way you mil acted I think was really childish no matter how hurt she was it was uncalled for especially since you did try to fix the situation.

lc07 · June 2014

Knottie13986838 said:

show previous quotes
HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.
Seriously? Well, OK, then. That baffles me, given the absolute glut of things out there that depict how people walk down the aisle in various formation. Also, OP said they 'decided' which means they knew it was unusual. If it were the norm, they wouldn't have had to decide anything, it just would have been how it was.
Seriously until I saw this I had no idea that the mog walks down the isle and sorry to say this is a tradition I will not be using. Won't be using the grandparents either they will have reserved seats and can walk in after all guest but it will not be part of the procession. I mean to each their own, I never realized this was a big deal. But I will make sure everyone knows before the rehearsal. I don't think all of the blame falls on you if you didn't know I understand that because I didn't and I have been to my share of weddings. But the way you mil acted I think was really childish no matter how hurt she was it was uncalled for especially since you did try to fix the situation.

You won't be "using" them? It's an honor to walk down the aisle. Not a casted part of a play.

ETA: PS. This post is 3 months old.

Knottie13986838 · June 2014

lc07 said:
show previous quotes

Knottie13986838 said:

blueeyes90 said:
HisGirlFriday13 I wouldn't have known if this thread wasn't here. I have no recollection of who walked before the bride in the processional at weddings. Actually my MOH just told me that they MOH/BM pair walks down last before the bride (which I didn't know). I would have thought they walked down first. But I guess I just didn't pay attention at other weddings.
Seriously? Well, OK, then. That baffles me, given the absolute glut of things out there that depict how people walk down the aisle in various formation.

Also, OP said they 'decided' which means they knew it was unusual. If it were the norm, they wouldn't have had to decide anything, it just would have been how it was.
Seriously until I saw this I had no idea that the mog walks down the isle and sorry to say this is a tradition I will not be using. Won't be using the grandparents either they will have reserved seats and can walk in after all guest but it will not be part of the procession.

I mean to each their own, I never realized this was a big deal. But I will make sure everyone knows before the rehearsal.

I don't think all of the blame falls on you if you didn't know I understand that because I didn't and I have been to my share of weddings. But the way you mil acted I think was really childish no matter how hurt she was it was uncalled for especially since you did try to fix the situation.

You won't be "using" them? It's an honor to walk down the aisle. Not a casted part of a play.

ETA: PS. This post is 3 months old.

I know how old it is first.
Second I never said it was a part in a play and I think the analogy is not to accurate.

Everyone is entitled to use whatever traditions they choose. For me my ceremony will be a half hour long and I choose to incorporate traditions that hold a greater meaning to my fi and I.

Considering I only have one grandparent who would never want that attention on her and my fi's grandmother won't be able to come this tradition does not work for use.

So like I said everyone's wedding is different. If a post is useful to someone it doesn't matter his old it is someone else may stumble upon it and see it like I had and learn from it. I believe that learning from these forums is a part of why they are hear.

banana468 · June 2014

I have never attended a wedding where the living parents of the B or G DIDN'T process down the aisle.

lilacck28 · June 2014

Knottie13986838 The issue with the original post was not that the OP and her husband decided to buck tradition. The issue was that one mother was in the processional but the other wasn't. Had both mothers not been involved, I doubt her MIL would have been so offended.

Lauderdale Pink · June 2014

This is probably one of the reasons I like to see large bridal parties and longer processionals. That way, nobody's feelings get hurt and more people feel as though they are a part of the event, especially of they are sibs or in-laws. I honestly do not get why it is such an issue to decide who "gets to be" in the bridal party and who "gets to go" down the aisle. By the time the bride enters, who cares who went before? By the time the ceremony gets started, who cares about the pro or recessionals. A wedding should be about unity.

As for this MOG, she will have hurt feelings for a pretty long time now and bride and groom are going to have to eat a bit of crow.

tammym1001 · June 2014

banana468 said:
I have never attended a wedding where the living parents of the B or G DIDN'T process down the aisle.

STIB: my father walked me down the aisle but MOG and MOB did not walk down the aisle. It was by their choice though as they aren't ones for being in the spotlight and it would have made them uncomfortable. I absolutely asked both of them if they would like to or not.

I have a hard time believing that anyone who has spent any amount of time planning a wedding didn't know that the mothers get escorted down the aisle. It happens in every wedding on TV and movies and there are hundreds of articles about who walks down the aisle.

MOG walking down the aisle

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