Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

happybride42 · March 2014

My FI are getting married in Vegas and it will be a TINY wedding. Just us, his mom and his dad. FI and I are paying for this entirely ourselves, we have not asked for any money and do not expect any. FI has bought plane tickets for his mom and dad. His mom wanted to fly back home immediately after the ceremony, that same evening, but when my FI explained that there were no flights available at that time she said that flying out as early as possible the following morning would work just as well because she wants to be able to get to work that day. Come to find out, after pulling it out of my FI, that his mom is now saying that they will leave from the ceremony and spend the night in the airport, waiting for their flight. (!) I don't understand this logic, these are folks in their early 70s and gosh, I think they need a good night's sleep. There are close relatives of theirs that live in Vegas they could easily spend the night with but are against this idea (I do not know why and I do not ask, not really my business) - and good grief, a vegas hotel on a tuesday night in April is pretty cheap - I've checked - you can get in for under $50 in a ton of places. This has got me a bit twisted up inside and I am feeling responsible now for finding them a hotel room and paying for it, which I really cannot afford to do, we are stretching ourselves super thin as it is. If we were to spring for a room for them would it be considered rude if we put them up in a room in a hotel different from ours? We are staying at the Wynn. I wish I could afford to get them a room there but I just can't. If I were to get them a room at a much cheaper hotel would that look snobby? ("We stay at the Wynn but we stick YOU in the flamingo, LAH-DEE-DAH!" - I'm worried about coming off like that.) And I do not believe this is a money issue, I think they can easily afford a room, I'm not sure what is going on here, maybe a case of martydom?? I'm just feeling like a super crappy bride thinking of my FILs sitting in an airport all night. Should I just let these two adults do what they want and get over it?

happybride42 · March 2014

WAAAAAH, no paragraph breaks. I'm so sorry for this giant mountain of text.

Inkdancer · March 2014

You do not have to get them a hotel. They are being silly.

sofakingmad · March 2014

You don't have to get them the room, but they also either don't have to come or they can spend the night in the airport (which is weird, but it's their choice).

Maggie0829 · March 2014

It was nice of you and your FI to pay for their flights but that was not required. Neither is paying for their hotel room.

But if you and your FI want to pay for their hotel room then no it would not be rude to get them a room at a different hotel.

I think this situation is pretty odd. What does your FI have to say about it? Really it is their choice to sit in an airport all night if they don't want to get a room and if they are only saying that to make you feel bad enough to book them a room well then that is just complete shit on their part.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

Am the only one who gets the feeling that they just plain don't want to be there? Seems strange to me that their son is getting married and their main concern is how quickly they can get back to work. Had they given you any pushback on the location or time of the wedding? We're you planning to take them out for lunch or dinner after the ceremony? I guess you could offer them a room at a motel close to the airport, so they could get there early, but it's really not your responsibility. Are you sure there isn't something bigger going on than just work?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I'm with @RebeccaB88 -- it sounds like the FILs don't approve of the wedding (either the marriage itself or the Vegas aspect of it) and they're telegraphing their disapproval in their desire to get the hell out of dodge ASAP.

happybride42 · March 2014

It IS odd. FI gets upset just talking about it. I know he HATES the idea of them sitting in the airport too and he can't understand why this is playing out this way either. He says, "Just leave it, let them do what they want." They are HIS parents, so maybe I should drop it. I just want to be impeccable about this. Don't want to feel like I should have done more after it's all over. Thanks for the help, you guys.

happybride42 · March 2014

Yes, we will be hosting food and drinks after the ceremony, either in our suite or at a restaurant.

If they are unhappy with the wedding they sure haven't said anything. We have been together for 8 years now and we have always gotten along beautifully.

We had originally decided to elope but then my FI got to thinking about how his parents hadn't ever been to a single wedding for any of their kids-- and his mom complains about it. (FI was married before and his brother was married twice-- their parents weren't there for any of those weddings.) So my FI made a point of asking them if they'd like to attend, he wanted to give his mom the chance to finally be at her kid's wedding. Now I feel like we have burdened them by inviting them. I'm confused.

mysticl · March 2014

You don't owe them a hotel room. Honestly, it might be easier on them to just head to the airport. I've taken the first flight of the day a few times and it meant getting up at 3-4 in the morning to drive to the airport, park, check in, get through security, and find some coffee. And that's doing it from my home airport. If you're doing it from a hotel that means a cab, car service, or hotel shuttle. Taking one of those usually entails leaving even earlier. So I can see the appeal of just going to the airport rather than checking into a hotel for just a couple of hours. I don't know about the Vegas airport but some have little "rooms" you can rent in half hour increments to lay down and grab a nap or just have some privacy while waiting for a flight.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

If they've acted like this before with the other weddings, no wonder they weren't invited. They don't seem to be appreciative of the opportunity. Maybe they're just going to make him happy? What is their communication like? Seems that they all need to talk this out, but if the parents aren't forthcoming with their true feelings...

happybride42 · March 2014

I agree, it would be nice if this could be settled with an open conversation but FI is over it. And I am not comfortable pushing it. Whole thing feels weird to me.

Jen4948 · March 2014

It sounds like they don't like to attend their kids' weddings even if your FMIL is complaining about it.

But to answer your question, no, you aren't responsible for a hotel room for them. They're being silly. It sounds like they just don't really care about the wedding or being with you. If they do, they have a weird way of showing it.

indianaalum · March 2014

You do not have to pay for the hotel, but I would look more into why they are in such a rush?

Is it a financial thing for them not missing work? Is it possible the date really isn't good and they don't know how to say it? I would inquite more because it does seem a little suspicious.

I don't think you have to pay for a room, BUT I also wouldn't recommend picking a crappier hotel for them if you choose to pay. I would actually say "dont offer" vs picking a lower quality hotel because that could reflect poorly.

Realistically, I think there is more to the story on THEIR end then a hotel room...perhaps have your FI look into why they are doing this

indianaalum · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Yes, we will be hosting food and drinks after the ceremony, either in our suite or at a restaurant. If they are unhappy with the wedding they sure haven't said anything. We have been together for 8 years now and we have always gotten along beautifully. We had originally decided to elope but then my FI got to thinking about how his parents hadn't ever been to a single wedding for any of their kids-- and his mom complains about it. (FI was married before and his brother was married twice-- their parents weren't there for any of those weddings.) So my FI made a point of asking them if they'd like to attend, he wanted to give his mom the chance to finally be at her kid's wedding. Now I feel like we have burdened them by inviting them. I'm confused.

Do they travel ever? Perhaps it is just a discomfort thing overall about traveling.

I agree with others. There is definitely more to the story on their end

JennyColada · March 2014

I am having a very small wedding (8 guests) and would like to pay for my parents' hotel room (but Fi has said that he doesn't think we need to pay for my FILs even if we pay for my parents). My parents have been giving me a bit of grief over travel as well (we are planning a Sunday wedding in Napa, which is a ~6 hour drive from our home in LA). My mom is stressing a bit about missing work (part of the reason why I want to pay for their hotel room, that way they won't be out the money AND having to spend more). But she isn't going to extent that your fmil seems to be going to.

You are not required to pay for their travel or their hotel, and it's nice enough that you're willing to pay for their flight. I'm sorry that they don't seem more willing and excited to share this day with you, and I'm sure that's putting a lot of unneeded stress on you.

happybride42 · March 2014

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh.

JennyColada · March 2014

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh

My mom keeps giving me a hard time about a Sunday wedding too. Well that, and just the travel in general (she keeps reminding me that the drive will be a two day drive for her and that she'll have to stop somewhere overnight and "don't you just want to get married somewhere in Los Angeles? It's so much easier?").

Ugh. Family.

happybride42 · March 2014

I'm sorry your mom isn't more excited about your Napa wedding.

When I told my dad we were thinking of eloping I asked him if that would be ok with him, would he be upset if we did that?
He said, "No, why would I care? I don't need to be there. You already had ONE wedding, I don't understand why you'd think you need another one."

Gee, Dad, so sweet... Thanks for putting it so nicely.

Oh well. I know my mom will be looking down on me that day from her heaven and smiling and happy for me. So I hang on to that.

JennyColada · March 2014

They're happy for us in their own way. Some people just express it better than others.

Just enjoy it yourself. If you dad wants to be a sour pants and not enjoy it then that's his problem.

kmmssg · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Yes, we will be hosting food and drinks after the ceremony, either in our suite or at a restaurant. If they are unhappy with the wedding they sure haven't said anything. We have been together for 8 years now and we have always gotten along beautifully. We had originally decided to elope but then my FI got to thinking about how his parents hadn't ever been to a single wedding for any of their kids-- and his mom complains about it. (FI was married before and his brother was married twice-- their parents weren't there for any of those weddings.) So my FI made a point of asking them if they'd like to attend, he wanted to give his mom the chance to finally be at her kid's wedding. Now I feel like we have burdened them by inviting them. I'm confused.

OK. I am wondering if this is just a case of them being frugal freddies (ie CHEAP) My aunt and uncle who were my guardians were like this, my oldest sister/cousin (67 years old) is like this, and my ex-husband has apparently adopted this also.

My sister/cousin can squeeze a penny so hard she gives Abe Lincoln a migraine. Her mother was the queen of that ability. Are they pretty frugal people in general? Did FFIL just retire and they are worried about blowing through their money too fast?

I retired from the military almost 2 years ago and had to quickly adjust my habits. I went back to work after awhile but in the beginning there is a real "holy crap" moment.

Here is my take: You invited them, they accepted, you bought their tickets (how generous!), and you are properly hosting them. If their only expense is a night in the hotel you have done nothing wrong and they should not have accepted the invitation if they weren't able to cover a night in a hotel.

The only other thought I have is about your FMIL's job. You said she wanted to get right back to work so is she concerned about a lack of vacation time?

Either way, you guys have done an awesome job of hosting them and I think you need to let this go. Kudos to you for your concern.

mysticl · March 2014

kmmssg said:

stonermoog said:

Yes, we will be hosting food and drinks after the ceremony, either in our suite or at a restaurant. If they are unhappy with the wedding they sure haven't said anything. We have been together for 8 years now and we have always gotten along beautifully. We had originally decided to elope but then my FI got to thinking about how his parents hadn't ever been to a single wedding for any of their kids-- and his mom complains about it. (FI was married before and his brother was married twice-- their parents weren't there for any of those weddings.) So my FI made a point of asking them if they'd like to attend, he wanted to give his mom the chance to finally be at her kid's wedding. Now I feel like we have burdened them by inviting them. I'm confused.

OK. I am wondering if this is just a case of them being frugal freddies (ie CHEAP) My aunt and uncle who were my guardians were like this, my oldest sister/cousin (67 years old) is like this, and my ex-husband has apparently adopted this also.

My sister/cousin can squeeze a penny so hard she gives Abe Lincoln a migraine. Her mother was the queen of that ability. Are they pretty frugal people in general? Did FFIL just retire and they are worried about blowing through their money too fast?

I retired from the military almost 2 years ago and had to quickly adjust my habits. I went back to work after awhile but in the beginning there is a real "holy crap" moment.

Here is my take: You invited them, they accepted, you bought their tickets (how generous!), and you are properly hosting them. If their only expense is a night in the hotel you have done nothing wrong and they should not have accepted the invitation if they weren't able to cover a night in a hotel.

The only other thought I have is about your FMIL's job. You said she wanted to get right back to work so is she concerned about a lack of vacation time?

Either way, you guys have done an awesome job of hosting them and I think you need to let this go. Kudos to you for your concern.

Good point. This is behavior that is consistent with someone who fears for their job. Even if they officially have the time off there can be a culture in the office that implies that frowns upon time off.

indianaalum · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh.

Did you clear it with them in the first place? Although not required, it's always a better idea to clear dates with VIP's ahead of time to make sure it works for them

honestly? Getting married on a Tuesday is probably not the most convenient day for guests overall.

mysticl · March 2014

indianaalum said:

stonermoog said:

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh.

Did you clear it with them in the first place? Although not required, it's always a better idea to clear dates with VIP's ahead of time to make sure it works for them

honestly? Getting married on a Tuesday is probably not the most convenient day for guests overall.

They aren't having guests. It's just them and his parents.

happybride42 · March 2014

This is what happens when one attempts to elope the cheapest way possible, makes all the arrangements and then invites parents to be there. Maybe we have committed a faux pas and created a problem? Sigh. Now I'm embarrassed.

TheGrimReaper · March 2014

Quite honestly, if you made all of these plans to get married on a TUESDAY without ever consulting them, it's beyond kind of them to even come. Some people can't just take random days off in the middle of the week.

kmmssg · March 2014

stonermoog said:

This is what happens when one attempts to elope the cheapest way possible, makes all the arrangements and then invites parents to be there. Maybe we have committed a faux pas and created a problem? Sigh. Now I'm embarrassed.

You know, I have to give you some kudos here for recognizing that. You don't know what you don't know and I do think you inadvertantly, unintentionally created the problem here. Somewhere in life that happens to us all - what is important is how you can best fix the problem and if you make the effort.

My 4th DD is getting married in June. What I know for this wedding as compared to the first one 9 years ago blows my mind.

Are your plans absolutely concrete? I am guessing yes if you have flights booked as change fees have gone through the roof. Do you think your FI (or both of you) needs to talk to his parents about this? See if the vacation time is the problem or if there is something going on at FMIL's job that is causing conflict for her? I know in my office leave time in July and August will be very rare due to 2 high level inspections in late August and September. If someone needed to fly to Vegas right before the inspections it would be a big fat no-go. Maybe something like that is going on with FMIL?

PhoneCardLady · March 2014

stonermoog said:

... His mom wanted to fly back home immediately after the ceremony, that same evening, but when my FI explained that there were no flights available at that time she said that flying out as early as possible the following morning would work just as well because she wants to be able to get to work that day....

Does she know about jet lag and the time difference? She will not be effective at work....

JennyColada · March 2014

mysticl said:

indianaalum said:

stonermoog said:

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh.

Did you clear it with them in the first place? Although not required, it's always a better idea to clear dates with VIP's ahead of time to make sure it works for them

honestly? Getting married on a Tuesday is probably not the most convenient day for guests overall.

They aren't having guests. It's just them and his parents.

------
Uh, parents are still guests?

happybride42 · March 2014

Well, just got off the phone, cancelled everything. Working with FMIL to find a date that makes her happy. Now to start saving up for the costs of a Saturday wedding. Guess I won't be a wife for a while.
Oh well, that's what I get for being thoughtless and selfish. Just desserts.

Inkdancer · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Well, just got off the phone, cancelled everything. Working with FMIL to find a date that makes her happy. Now to start saving up for the costs of a Saturday wedding. Guess I won't be a wife for a while.
Oh well, that's what I get for being thoughtless and selfish. Just desserts.

I'm very sorry you're having to go through this, but I applaud you for making a new decision that considers your guests' needs.

Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

Re: Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

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