Opinions :)

500days · February 2014

Nniikkii said:

Im a stocker so sorry you all don’t know me. BUT, my BF and I want to be married. We have picked a venue, our house. We live together, I own the home, and we have 5 acres of land that we can use and 5 that are wooded. We know to be married in our backyard and we need to fix it up, a lot, if we want to hold a nice event at our home so we are going to wait to accomplish these before becoming engaged. We have both know that marriage is a lot of work and we figured that if our relationship could last though living together and fixing up a house and huge yard, then we might be able to make it work in marriage. And it could take us 2 or 3 years to get it to where we want because of other issues that are arising (surgery, job changes, weather ruining our work!), but before we are engaged and get that whole "when's the date" crap we want to ensure we can hold it where we want without a long engagement because right now its just working on the big green mess.

1. it's spelled "stalker"

2. not how I would start a post....stalking freaks me out

mbross3 · February 2014

suzie211 said:

mbross3 said:

BriSox81 said:

Let's see. I asked: Why, if you knew your families wouldn't be crazy about the idea, you went ahead with an engagement? Why you are rushing into engagement at a young age after not even being together for a year? (And yes, I get that you were "best friends" before that, but friends =/= actual relationship. There are many different issues that can arise between bf/gf & friends.) Why are you rushing into engagement before you've lived together? Living together ALSO brings up potential issues that you don't know about beforehand. I'm not saying it can't work, it's just something to think about. (And no, staying with each other 4-5 nights a week =/= living together.) Also, you have stated here before that you still refer to him as your boyfriend sometimes because you don't want people to ask about a ring. So, which is it? And I also agree with @bethsmiles that that article is an immature girl foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!" Also, extremely eye-roll inducing.

Totally agree with you (except I don't necessarily think you have to have your family's approval to get engaged). I think living together forces you to learn soooo much more about your partner!!

I will say though that the author of the article was actually a guy--not a girl! Which I think is interesting since we see so many young women just itching to get married, but I don't feel like we see that from young men as much! So really it was like an immature guy foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!"

I agree with most of what @BriSox81 asked. I think they are valid questions that should be asked of any relationship no matter what age.

Why rush to get engaged, if you know you will be with someone long term? Only you can make that level of commitment. A title doesn't change that. Being engaged, just to be engaged, is just as bad as getting married just because you want to be someone's wife. Are you making that commitment to be with someone forever or do you want the titles with oohs and ahs to congratulate you? A ring or a white pretty dress have nothing to do with the relationship. They will succeed or fail because of whose in it and despite the presence of either symbolic thing. The ring and ceremony are fleeting moments compared to the lifetime you spend with someone.

I also think family approval is a big deal. It's one thing if you're family is against how you live your life( against gay/interracial/ religion choices) to not seek approval, but many times your family may see things you can't. For example, I married a man no one in my family was crazy about. I was young, and thought I knew better than them. I was a college graduate, with a fancy job that could make all my decisions and do no wrong. Well after the relationship ended, I was able to see that all of their points were valid. It was still my mistake to make, and in turn I learned a lot about myself. Had I listened though, I would've probably saved a lot of tears and frustration.

I agree with you Suzie, I was mostly referring to similar situations to the ones you listed. Sometimes families just differ ideologically and you know that you won't get their approval. At a certain point though, as an adult it doesn't matter whether you have that approval. I do feel that, the younger you are the more sway family generally has with you and the more impact their approval (or disapproval) will have on a relationship. That's totally generalizing though--I know!

phira · February 2014

I'm the kind of person who thinks that there shouldn't be too much time between deciding to get married and getting married; I don't get long engagements at all. But when I say that, I mean that I would have preferred to just get married at the courthouse after we decided to get married, instead of waiting a year and a half and having an expensive wedding.

kaitlynmichelle · February 2014

We knew for years that we were going to get married. But I also saw no point in getting engaged before we could plan a wedding.

Sure, waiting 9 years is a LONG time but I don't see the point in being engaged for years on end. One of my friends has been engaged for 2.5 years and they still haven't set a date yet. I can't help but wonder why they rushed into getting engaged after being together for maybe 6 months without having a plan.

We will have just over a 9 month engagement but as we are having only a few people witness our wedding I don't need to plan as much.

Basically, OP, you're young and you've been through a lot already. Don't rush into anything.

Blackbird230 · February 2014

Let's see. I asked: Why, if you knew your families wouldn't be crazy about the idea, you went ahead with an engagement? Actually, they ended up being fine. They weren't surprised. This is why I took the mature route and told my family instead of trying to hide it. I may have been nervous at first, but it actually ended working out great. Why you are rushing into engagement at a young age after not even being together for a year? (And yes, I get that you were "best friends" before that, but friends =/= actual relationship. There are many different issues that can arise between bf/gf & friends.) It's just what we felt was right. I don't know how else to explain it. Why are you rushing into engagement before you've lived together? Living together ALSO brings up potential issues that you don't know about beforehand. I'm not saying it can't work, it's just something to think about. (And no, staying with each other 4-5 nights a week =/= living together.) This is one of the reasons for the longer engagement, however we both are very comfortable with each other and have figured out a lot about living together. We've done vacations together. We spent over a week house sitting my friend's place. It's not like we don't have any idea. Also, you have stated here before that you still refer to him as your boyfriend sometimes because you don't want people to ask about a ring. So, which is it? He is my FI. Although maybe to complete strangers, I may say boyfriend, to any acquaintances that know us at least a bit, he is FI. And I also agree with @bethsmiles that that article is an immature girl foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!" Also, extremely eye-roll inducing.

Stuck in box (answers are bolded)

buddysmom80 · February 2014

Living together 4 nights a week does not equal living together. Going on vacation together 100% does not equate living together.

When FI and I moved in together before we moved in, we were spending about 4 nights a week at each other's places. Once we moved in things were completely different. We had to figure out who's cooking, who's cleaning, who's paying the bills, etc. It's been over a year and a half and we're still hammering out the kinks.

Just a disclaimer as someone who has been there, done that and also a person who prepares for the worst and hopes for the best: are you 100% prepared to give up on the friendship if you guys break up? My ex and I were friends since we were 10 years old, started dating at 20 and broke up when we were 27. I didn't talk to him again until I turned 30 (actually, he reached out to me) and to this day our relationship is NOT the same as it was before.

Blackbird230 · February 2014

@buddysmom80, I think the whole friendship question was thought about before we even started dating.

Blackbird230 · February 2014

@TwoDimes, I totally get what you're saying and FI and I have definitely started asking the tough questions. We just feel that moving in won't necessarily change our love. If there's issues, we're going to work it out. We're going to get on each other's nerves sometimes. But it won't change how we feel and our commitment to our relationship. That's all.

mbross3 · February 2014

I totally agree with you @TwoDimes - living with your SO is an adjustment, no matter how long you've been dating or how many nights a week you stay at each other's apartments. There's definitely a difference when you're a "guest" at his place (I know that's not quite the right word, but it's still "his" place no matter how close you are) and when it's "our" place.

That being said, @Kait when I moved in with my BF we did have the initial issues of where do things go, who does what, but it didn't cause drama- it was actually fun to have conversations about these topics and to figure it out together. I'd never lived with an SO before (I was WAY too into having my own place) so it was an adventure, but it's been great. It's a serious thing, but as long as you're open to communicating, you will be fine --whenever you decide to live together!

GoldenPenguin · February 2014

mbross3 said:

I totally agree with you @TwoDimes - living with your SO is an adjustment, no matter how long you've been dating or how many nights a week you stay at each other's apartments. There's definitely a difference when you're a "guest" at his place (I know that's not quite the right word, but it's still "his" place no matter how close you are) and when it's "our" place.

That being said, @Kait when I moved in with my BF we did have the initial issues of where do things go, who does what, but it didn't cause drama- it was actually fun to have conversations about these topics and to figure it out together. I'd never lived with an SO before (I was WAY too into having my own place) so it was an adventure, but it's been great. It's a serious thing, but as long as you're open to communicating, you will be fine --whenever you decide to live together!

I agree - I originally moved into BFs apartment, and then a few months later we moved into a different apartment. I felt so much better once we moved into our current place because it was OURS.

I was the same too - I lived on my own for 2.5 years, and it was really hard to give up that independence. I have plenty of times where I'm SO grateful that he has a late soccer game or something so that I can have the place to myself. And, honestly, it DID "change" our love. I love him SO much more now. So there's that

mbross3 · February 2014

That's a really good point @BriSox81 I can't say it didn't change our love, because we know each other so much better now, and I love him all the more for that!

Hummingbird125 · February 2014

TwoDimes said:

Kait said:

@TwoDimes, I totally get what you're saying and FI and I have definitely started asking the tough questions. We just feel that moving in won't necessarily change our love. If there's issues, we're going to work it out. We're going to get on each other's nerves sometimes. But it won't change how we feel and our commitment to our relationship. That's all.

I understand that. I don't doubt that you guys will be fine living together, and I don't think it will "change your love" either. I'm just saying I don't think that any amount of spending the night can prepare anyone for living together for the first time. Just go into it with open eyes, and know that there WILL be a period of adjustment and you'll both have to compromise. Hell, I'm still "adjusting" to living with my BF!

Playing devil's advocate here. I definitely agree that spending multiple nights per week together does not equal living together - and of course you should always prepare for an adjustment when moving in with a SO. HOWEVER - sometimes it's not difficult at all and the adjustment really is wonderfully smooth. Then-BF and I spent 3-4 nights per week together before getting a place together, and we didn't even have discussions about bills/cleaning/cooking before moving in together. Honestly, we were on the same page about all of those things from the beginning, naturally. I don't recommend just "winging it" like I basically did, but it's not ALWAYS as big of an adjustment as some people make it out to be.

GoldenPenguin · February 2014

I ALSO agree with @hummingbird125 - I had people tell me to prepare for it to be REALLY difficult, but it wasn't at all.

I will say that I was MUCH more comfortable once we moved out of "his" apartment and into "ours." He had what was very much a bachelor pad, and I didn't feel right redecorating - but when we moved into our new place, I took the lead (and he was willing to let me do so) so it's much more homey.

bride2b71614 · February 2014

This thread took a turn..but I have a circumstantial question. I was engaged, with a wedding date picked out. Before my FI proposed, I applied to graduate school, believing that I wouldn't get in anywhere. That being said, after his proposal, we set a date for the summer of 2014, and decided on a venue. A few months later, the acceptance letters rolled in, and we decided to move 8 hours away from our hometown. I didn't feel as though it was appropriate to plan a wedding 8 hours away, especially while I was in graduate school, and he was training for a new job. We then decided to move it to the fall of 2014. Then there was an unplanned pregnancy, which made us want to move the wedding date to 2015. My FI and I had fully intended to plan our wedding, but things kept postponing the planning. Does that put me in the category of "engaged just to say I am engaged" category?

GoldenPenguin · February 2014

@bride2b71614 - Nope. Not even close.

CLoGreenEyes · February 2014

I was gonna say, this is the most epic threadjacking since...that one a few months ago. Y'all know the one.

GoldenPenguin · February 2014

CLoGreenEyes said:

I was gonna say, this is the most epic threadjacking since...that one a few months ago. Y'all know the one.

Don't say her name. It might call her back.

buddysmom80 · February 2014

BriSox81 said:

CLoGreenEyes said:

I was gonna say, this is the most epic threadjacking since...that one a few months ago. Y'all know the one.
Don't say her name. It might call her back.

phira · February 2014

IllusionsDepths · March 2014

Holy smokes! This thread took a crazy awesome turn! I looked at it just to see if anymore advice had come in and bam I got hit in the face with a wealth of knowledge I wasn't expecting as well as a ton more interesting stuff! I like you ladies. Way more than the group I had a couple years ago.

Opinions :)

Re: Opinions :)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards