Inviting kids

missmarissa14 · March 2014

My wedding is still 14 months away but I am really confused about how to handle inviting children. I don't necessarily want kids at the reception but I feel like I'm caught in between right now.

My two future nephews (who will be 4 years and 18 months at the wedding) will take part in the rings. My Fiance's God Daughter (Daughter of Best Man) will be the flower girl (also 18 mo.) All three of them will be at the reception since obviously his nephew's whole family will be there and my Fiance's Best Man is coming from out of town.

I have two other friends….. a bridesmaid who's son will be 18 months at time of wedding and a good friend who has a 2 year old son and is now pregnant with her second. SO….the thought of six toddlers at my wedding….YIKES!!!!!! Will it look bad having my 2 future nephews and Fiance's God Daughter at the wedding and reception but not my bridesmaid's and friend's children?

The second thing is….what do you consider a child for wedding guest purposes? Anyone under 16? 18? 21? I have an older cousin with two Daughters. One is 20 and the other is younger….I think about 12. And they are coming from out of town so how can I expect he, his wife, and one daughter come, but not the other? My fiancé has two younger cousins ages 13 and 15. The 15 year old actually said to me how excited she was to come to our wedding.

Ahhh I'm so confused and I don't want to piss anyone off! I don't want to be a bridezilla and want to make everyone happy but this is also OUR wedding. Anyone else having these challenges?

Jen4948 · March 2014

The 18 month olds and the 2 year old are too young to participate in any capacity other than guests. Just take photos with them and let them go at that.

I don't think it's wrong to restrict invited children to family, but it might be problematic for your bridesmaid to have to find a babysitter.

As to what age to make the cutoff, if the youngest child over 2 is 12, I'd still invite the 12 year old so as not to leave one sibling out but invite all the others.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

1. It's fine to have only kids in the WP at the reception.

2. Children is a definition you can make on your own and tailor it to whatever works for you -- set an age cutoff and stick to it without exceptions (other than WP kids).

3. Do not split up families; don't invite one kid but not the other if they're close in age.

4. The 20-year-old is an adult and would get his or her own invite anyway.

5. You may invite anyone you like in whatever form you like (providing you don't break up social units), but at some point you will have to decide what's more important: having the people you've invited there (knowing that it's OOT for them and a distance to travel and knowing they might not be able to make child care arrangements) or standing firm on no kids.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Yeah, I probably don't need my second nephew who will only be 18 months to take part. Either way he will be there. As for my Fiance's God Daughter (also 18 months…born on the same day as our nephew) I was thinking our 4 year old ring bearer (or maybe her Mother) could pull her down in a wagon full of flowers. Just a thought.

Restricting children to just family….I didn't think of it like that. But yeah, it might be hard for my bridesmaid and she will be coming from about 2 hours away.

Jen4948 · March 2014

missmarissa14 said:

Yeah, I probably don't need my second nephew who will only be 18 months to take part. Either way he will be there. As for my Fiance's God Daughter (also 18 months…born on the same day as our nephew) I was thinking our 4 year old ring bearer (or maybe her Mother) could pull her down in a wagon full of flowers. Just a thought.

Restricting children to just family….I didn't think of it like that. But yeah, it might be hard for my bridesmaid and she will be coming from about 2 hours away.

We don't recommend that babies be pulled in wagons at all for safety reasons. What if the wagon tipped over? It's very risky-especially if a child is pulling the wagon. And many venues won't let wagons or carts be used. Participating children need to be able to go down the aisle and return on their own without being pulled in wagons or having their hands held-if they can't do that, just don't have them in the ceremony. And they'll be too young to understand or remember what they are being asked to do.

Just take photos with the 2-year-old-and-younger children and let it go at that.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Yes, this is true.

Inkdancer · March 2014

Kids who are under 3 are typically not aware enough of what's happening in a wedding to be anything but props. I would suggest skipping the flower girl and ring bearers, because these children sound too young to do these things on their own.

emmaaa · March 2014

I would pass on using children that young in the wedding party. They will be too young to comprehend the atmosphere and what is actually happeing. I opted to not have either ring bearers or flower girls.

And as far as not wanting children at your wedding: You are entitled to do this if that is what you want and just make sure you do it is social circles and don't break up families.

melbenso · March 2014

We were originally only going to invite children of family (a few cousins have kids under 12) and the 15-year-old son of one of my bridesmaids, who I consider family and has always called me Aunt Melbenso (not sure whether he would count as a child in your estimation - he is certainly old enough to be on his own throughout the wedding and reception, so I didn't really consider him one). When we realized that one of FI's groomsmen's wife would not be able to attend unless we also invited their two children since they live out of town and don't have the resources to hire a babysitter for a full weekend, we changed our plans slightly and decided to invite children of family and the bridal party only.

In the end, it's up to you which children you invite, just make sure you do it in circles. But if your bridal party members have young children and don't live near the wedding location, it may be extremely difficult for them to attend. Adding in one extra child to stop this difficulty might be well worth it.

indianaalum · March 2014

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

Jen4948 · March 2014

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.

indianaalum · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.

In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

[Deleted User] · March 2014

We decided for our wedding to opt to only invite our nieces & nephew (they range in age from 18-24 at the time of our wedding). One of my nieces had two small kids that she brought with her. We also invited any kids of our bridal party. One BM decided she didn't want to bring her teenage daughter because she (the BM) wanted a night out to kick back and dance and have fun. The other kids were all adult age & were basically nieces & nephews as my DH had been a part of their lives since they were born.

Just because you have the kids who are in the wedding and the kids of your bridal party there I don't think it means you have to open the list of guests to include the kids of all your relatives and friends. If any of them have to travel from out of town, you may want to accomodate that. But else you don't. We didn't invite the adult kids of some cousins even though they still live at home. We had to draw the line somewhere.

Jen4948 · March 2014

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.

In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

Sorry, but it doesn't matter what she "asked our opinion on." She is going to get our opinions based on her post, whether she asked for it or not.

And my opinion stands. The fact that it worked for you does not make it a good or appropriate idea and neither etiquette nor I personally am required to endorse it-and I do not.

indianaalum · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.

In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

Sorry, but it doesn't matter what she "asked our opinion on." She is going to get our opinions based on her post, whether she asked for it or not.

And my opinion stands. The fact that it worked for you does not make it a good or appropriate idea and neither etiquette nor I personally am required to endorse it-and I do not.

It is also NOT an etiquette issue. It's a "personal decision" thing. There is nothing about etiquette that forbids you from asking a person under a certain age to be in your wedding.

that is YOUR personal decision. For some, age 5 would be too young. Others age 3. Kids maturity and a million factors play into the decision. it is a PERSONAL decision..and has zero to do with etiquette

If the parents agree, and the bride/groom agree, there really is nothing to argue about. Sure, it could go wrong, but if she is okay with that risk, it is up to her

Jen4948 · March 2014

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.

In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

Sorry, but it doesn't matter what she "asked our opinion on." She is going to get our opinions based on her post, whether she asked for it or not.

And my opinion stands. The fact that it worked for you does not make it a good or appropriate idea and neither etiquette nor I personally am required to endorse it-and I do not.

It is also NOT an etiquette issue. It's a "personal decision" thing. There is nothing about etiquette that forbids you from asking a person under a certain age to be in your wedding.

that is YOUR personal decision. For some, age 5 would be too young. Others age 3. Kids maturity and a million factors play into the decision. it is a PERSONAL decision..and has zero to do with etiquette

If the parents agree, and the bride/groom agree, there really is nothing to argue about. Sure, it could go wrong, but if she is okay with that risk, it is up to her

Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member. So no, this is not my "personal decision."

Stop being so defensive about the fact that you endorse something that 1) does violate etiquette and 2) is a safety risk. The rest of us are not going to do it-and neither is etiquette.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

The only child who I have firmly discussed walking down the aisle is our nephew who will be a little over 4 years old at the time of the wedding. THAT is happening and we are all excited about it because he is so freaking cute! His little brother, our other nephew will be 18 months at the time and it would be nice to include him but I don't feel it's necessary. As for the girl who will be 18 months old....no obviously she won't be able to walk down by herself and toss rose petals. That would be an unrealistic expectation. I haven't talked to the parents yet about incorporating her. Her Dad is the best man and her Mother will be doing a reading, so it would be nice to involve her too. We also wouldn't do anything to risk her safety, and maybe Mom could walk down with her if that's what we decide. I am thinking that me, my FI and her parents will just have to discuss this when it gets closer to the big day. We might have a better gauge on things then. I talked to my FI about it and I think we are going to stick to only inviting WP and family member children.....and we need to stick to our guns.

kmmssg · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.
In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

Sorry, but it doesn't matter what she "asked our opinion on." She is going to get our opinions based on her post, whether she asked for it or not.

And my opinion stands. The fact that it worked for you does not make it a good or appropriate idea and neither etiquette nor I personally am required to endorse it-and I do not.
It is also NOT an etiquette issue. It's a "personal decision" thing. There is nothing about etiquette that forbids you from asking a person under a certain age to be in your wedding.

that is YOUR personal decision. For some, age 5 would be too young. Others age 3. Kids maturity and a million factors play into the decision. it is a PERSONAL decision..and has zero to do with etiquette

If the parents agree, and the bride/groom agree, there really is nothing to argue about. Sure, it could go wrong, but if she is okay with that risk, it is up to her
Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member. So no, this is not my "personal decision."

Stop being so defensive about the fact that you endorse something that 1) does violate etiquette and 2) is a safety risk. The rest of us are not going to do it-and neither is etiquette.

This is from Miss Manners Guide To a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, page 133. I would copy and paste but I can't:

Dear Miss Manners: My fiance and I are trying to finalize the members of the wedding party. Should the ring bearer and flower girl be a certain age or is it up to each couple to decide?

Gentle Reader: The ring bearer and the flower girl are supposed to be of an age to make everyone smile and nudge one another and say "Awwwww, looooooook" during the processional. A mere "Don't they look cute?" with no extra letters in the pronunciation means the young people are old enough to be either a junior bridesmaid or usher. What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide. Whatever their ages, Miss Manners urges you to fuss a bit over the younger members of your bridal party. Children in weddings usually treat their roles with great seriousness and share the bridal couple's sense of importance of the occasion. they also frequently retain vivid memories of such events, which they trot out a decade or two later when they want "a wedding just like Cousin Adelaide's."

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Thank you for posting that @kmmssg. A good prospective...

kmmssg · March 2014

I am a huge fan of Miss Manners book on surprisingly dignified weddings. My 4th DD is getting married and I have found it to be an invaluable tool. My girls know Miss Manners is part of the planning process if they accept our offer to host their weddings.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

I have never heard of this book but something I might look into. I am in a wedding in September and the bride's ring bearer will be 2 years old. It's a different kid but will be interesting to see how a child in that age range handles everything.

kmmssg · March 2014

I think it is really important to consider the child and to be REALLY REALLY flexible when it comes time to walk down the aisle. Just the very idea of all those people turning and looking at the child can be very overwhelming. Each child is different. I really think it is a good idea to have a parent there if the child doesn't want to go down the aisle so that they don't have to do it and the parent can come in after the processional is complete.

I have a 5 yo granddaughter who will be her mama's flower girl in June. At 2 or 3 I have no doubt at all she would have loved all that attention and given a command performance going down the aisle. Her brother? He would have been beyond terrified at that age. Know the children and have a backup plan incase they don't want to go down the aisle at the last minute and you will be fine.

I know of one wedding where the RB and FG were pretty young (3 ish maybe?) and the groom was their uncle. He promised them a little surprise if they came down the aisle to see him. When the doors opened, they flew down the aisle and Uncle Groom was crouched down on one knee with a mini-bag of M&M's for each one of them. They sat down with their grandparents and had their snack during the wedding. It made for a super cute wedding picture.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

Love that. What a cute idea. Something to consider

SammiNJonni · March 2014

My nephew was a ring bearer in September just a few weeks shy of his second birthday. He made it down the aisle on his own and then sat with his dad and grandparents mom was in the bridal party. We all understood that he may not have made it down the aisle. If you ask him about his cousins wedding he will tell you he walked with the rings. It all depends on the child clearly he was not too young to know what was going on but some kids are. He will be two months shy of his 4th birthday when he is ring bearer at my wedding.

Jen4948 · March 2014

kmmssg said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

a different viewpoint:

My 2 year old niece was my flower girl. will she remember it? Probably not, but we will have the bond forever of her being my flower girl.

To this day, I have a special connectino with my cousin who chose me....sometimes, it is more symbolic of your feeling toward them.

If you want them, don't let people here talk you out of it. do what you want on that one.

just know, it might not go as planned..which to me, was totally okay. I just wanted her (and my sister) to know how important she was to me that i chose her. My niece won't get it now, but she will when she is older

The bolded is bad advice. The fact that it worked for @indianaalum does not make it a good idea. 2 year olds are too young to understand or remember what you're asking of them, and you are not doing this to have a bond with them later in life, but because of your relationships with them now. There is still the issue of getting up and down the aisle on their own, and if they can't do that, then don't have them participate in such a capacity. Just take photos with them.
In my case, they were paired with someone older, so going down the aisle worked.

I think saying it NEVER works and someone should NEVER consider it is also wrong advice.

She knows the kids and the circumstances, we do not.

I think there are times it works and times it might not.

In the end, she should decide what to do.

P.s. She didn't come here asking our opinoin on that one anyhow!!

She said they ARE involved in her wedding..which if asked already (or parents asked), would be rude to change her mind after it was decided

Sorry, but it doesn't matter what she "asked our opinion on." She is going to get our opinions based on her post, whether she asked for it or not.

And my opinion stands. The fact that it worked for you does not make it a good or appropriate idea and neither etiquette nor I personally am required to endorse it-and I do not.
It is also NOT an etiquette issue. It's a "personal decision" thing. There is nothing about etiquette that forbids you from asking a person under a certain age to be in your wedding.

that is YOUR personal decision. For some, age 5 would be too young. Others age 3. Kids maturity and a million factors play into the decision. it is a PERSONAL decision..and has zero to do with etiquette

If the parents agree, and the bride/groom agree, there really is nothing to argue about. Sure, it could go wrong, but if she is okay with that risk, it is up to her
Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member. So no, this is not my "personal decision."

Stop being so defensive about the fact that you endorse something that 1) does violate etiquette and 2) is a safety risk. The rest of us are not going to do it-and neither is etiquette.

This is from Miss Manners Guide To a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, page 133. I would copy and paste but I can't:

Dear Miss Manners: My fiance and I are trying to finalize the members of the wedding party. Should the ring bearer and flower girl be a certain age or is it up to each couple to decide?

Gentle Reader: The ring bearer and the flower girl are supposed to be of an age to make everyone smile and nudge one another and say "Awwwww, looooooook" during the processional. A mere "Don't they look cute?" with no extra letters in the pronunciation means the young people are old enough to be either a junior bridesmaid or usher. What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide. Whatever their ages, Miss Manners urges you to fuss a bit over the younger members of your bridal party. Children in weddings usually treat their roles with great seriousness and share the bridal couple's sense of importance of the occasion. they also frequently retain vivid memories of such events, which they trot out a decade or two later when they want "a wedding just like Cousin Adelaide's."

Regardless, @kmmssg, just as many people here do not agree with Miss Manners, this is an instance where I do not and I stand by my opinion that the participation of kids younger than 3 who cannot understand or remember what they are being asked to do and cannot get up and down the aisle on their own, without wagons, carts, carriages, being carried, or having their hands held, should be limited to being in photos.

kmmssg · March 2014

This is opinion: "Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member."

This is published etiquette: "What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide."

I have opinions that differ from Miss Manners also but I don't use the phrase "Etiquette does hold that...." when it is opinion and not from the experts. We jump on brides all the time for the differences of etiquette and opinion. This was no different. You said it was your opinion in your last comment

I absolutely agree that wagons are dangerous and should not be used. I also think you have to consider the abilities of the child and what they would be comfortable with. No child should be in a wedding if it will upset them. SOME kids under 3 will be fine, and SOME will not but don't put "etiquette holds....." when it is opinion so you can drive a point home.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

kmmssg said:

This is opinion: "Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member."

This is published etiquette: "What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide."

I have opinions that differ from Miss Manners also but I don't use the phrase "Etiquette does hold that...." when it is opinion and not from the experts. We jump on brides all the time for the differences of etiquette and opinion. This was no different. You said it was your opinion in your last comment

I absolutely agree that wagons are dangerous and should not be used. I also think you have to consider the abilities of the child and what they would be comfortable with. No child should be in a wedding if it will upset them. SOME kids under 3 will be fine, and SOME will not but don't put "etiquette holds....." when it is opinion so you can drive a point home.

@kmmssg is correct. You can have whatever opinions you want about children in weddings, but it doesn't make it an etiquette rule.

Also, my nephew was two years and four months old at our wedding, and he still absolutely remembers it and remembers being an RB.

DH and I had him at the library book sale the other weekend. DH took him to the concession stand to buy a hot dog and the concession stand lady said to my nephew, 'Oh, is Daddy buying you a hot dog?'

Nephew said, 'Not Daddy. Uncle [Nickname]. He married Aunti [Nickname]. I carried rings in a box!'

Totally unprompted, totally out of the blue, but he remembers doing it.

The flip side of that, using the Miss Manners' guide that kmmssg posted, is that DH's nephew (8) was really too old to be an RB. He didn't get the 'Awwwwww, how cuuuuuuuuuute!' reaction. But DH really wanted him as an RB, and I wasn't going to argue with him on it.

@missmarissa14 -- I can vouch for the fact that all of Miss Manners' books are quite good. (I own them all). Both the 'Surprisingly Dignified' and 'Painfully Proper' wedding books are excellent. The other books contain the wedding advice, but also contain other useful etiquette advice.

Jen4948 · March 2014

kmmssg said:

This is opinion: "Etiquette does hold that it is not appropriate to use anyone who can't understand what is being asked of them and can't actually do what is required of them without assistance as a wedding party member."

This is published etiquette: "What age produces the desired effect is something the bridal couple may decide."

I have opinions that differ from Miss Manners also but I don't use the phrase "Etiquette does hold that...." when it is opinion and not from the experts. We jump on brides all the time for the differences of etiquette and opinion. This was no different. You said it was your opinion in your last comment

I absolutely agree that wagons are dangerous and should not be used. I also think you have to consider the abilities of the child and what they would be comfortable with. No child should be in a wedding if it will upset them. SOME kids under 3 will be fine, and SOME will not but don't put "etiquette holds....." when it is opinion so you can drive a point home.

Sorry, but I don't agree about "etiquette holds." I think that etiquette does indeed hold that anyone who participates in a wedding needs to be able to understand what they're being asked to do, be old enough to consent, and be old enough to do it on their own-regardless of the role. Otherwise, they're being treated as props for photos, and I think etiquette does hold that that's not appropriate-regardless of what Miss Manners or any other "etiquette expert" says.

kmmssg · March 2014

Again - that is your opinion. I'm done.

Jen4948 · March 2014

kmmssg said:

Again - that is your opinion. I'm done.

Good. I do not base my life around your opinions, because that is what you put above-your opinion. It constitutes "etiquette" no more than mine. Pot, meet kettle.

I'm gone too. Have a nice day. I plan to.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Then by your reasoning, Jenn, no one under the age of 16 can be in a wedding -- that's the legal age of consent.

You're welcome to your opinion, and you're welcome to disagree with us. You're just not allowed to make up etiquette rules that hew to your opinion. No one died and made you Miss Manners.

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