Wedding Etiquette Forum

My plus one nightmare! (that is really about my daddy issues!)

sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
edited March 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hi ladies,

 

First off, I am sorry that this will be lengthy. So I am new to the boards and have been lurking for about a month or so. My wedding is October of this year and I am having a really tough time with a plus one situation and am getting ready to start sending STDs and know this will be brought up, so I can't ignore this any longer. I know that this question has been asked many, many times, so I am very appreciative for you and your taking the time to answer for my individual circumstance.

 

Ok, so here is my dilemma. My dad is not walking me down the aisle. We had little to no relationship growing up except for when he wanted to "show me off" to various friends and girlfriends. He likes to pretend that he is the model father and that we are really close. My uncle will be giving me away as well as doing the father/daughter (in my case uncle/niece) dance. This has really POd my dad. I have accepted this and we have not spoken for about a month.

 

Here's the thing; I am hesitant to even invite him because I am worried about the scene he will make at the wedding. If I do decide to invite him, here is the next hiccup. Do I invite his current girlfriend? I know etiquette screams, "yes you do!", however, he is notorious for having a new girlfriend every month and I don't want to give him the excuse to show off in front of her. I can picture him making a huge show about coming up and giving me a hug and I wouldn't put it past him to try to cut in on my uncle's dance with me. His gf also lives about 2 hours away, so I am not sure if that would factor in or not. So, what do you think, Knotties? Feedback is welcome! Thanks again!

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Re: My plus one nightmare! (that is really about my daddy issues!)

  • I have nothing to add, other than to second everything HSF already said.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014

    I'd hang tight for now, and see how the relationship is in August when it's time to address invites. If they are still together and you want to invite him, you have to invite her. If he's not in any relationship in August, you are off the hook. Your other option is to leave him out altogether, which you may regret. You do not have to include her on a STD. I didn't include SOs names on STDs that are notorious for changing up their SOs. Whoever they are with in mid-April will go on the invite or if they are single it will be just them.

    ETA: You also do not have to send him a STD, but could let him know via email or word of mouth what the date is, so the gf or not wont even be in print.

  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    s-aries8990's question, I am ok with cutting him out completely.
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    s-aries8990
  • s-aries8990's question, I am ok with cutting him out completely.
    I agree with PP's skip the STD. If you feel differently, invite him and his wife. If you are ok with him most likely never being in your life again, then don't invite him. It's a very personal and difficult thing to decide, so take a long walk on it.
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    themuffinman16
  • If I do decide to invite him, here is the next hiccup. Do I invite his current girlfriend? I know etiquette screams, "yes you do!", however, he is notorious for having a new girlfriend every month and I don't want to give him the excuse to show off in front of her.

    Well, standard etiquette does not in fact scream that you must invite a "current girlfriend" of someone who "is notorious for having a new girlfriend every month." You will hear that here, because it is a Knot etiquette-board meme; but standard etiquette says only that you must invite as a couple anyone who is married (or living together, which you should always politely assume to be the same thing as married) or who has announced their engagement (or announced that they always go out as a couple (which is politely assumed to be equivalent-to-engaged). In your shoes, I would not invite the girlfriend of the month unless such an announcement were made.
    perdonami
  • I do have one suggestion for a loop hole in the plus one problem. If he really switches off gfs that often send your invitations in the gap between women that falls closest to when you planned to send them. 
    image
    Amyzen83
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    phira said:


    I think you honestly just need to work out how you're feeling about your dad. One of the (MANY) reasons why I cut ties was that I was also sick of feeling like my only value to my dad was that he could show me off. When I was estranged from him during high school and college, people asked me, "Well, what if he refuses to pay for your college tuition?" I pointed out that, besides the fact that I had a full scholarship to a state university (so if he didn't want to pay for my college, he just had to say so, and I'd go to that school), I knew he'd much rather put a bumper sticker for my pretigious top choice on his car and brag about the school I got into than had to admit that 1) he was estranged from his daughter and 2) because of that, she went to a state school he wouldn't want to brag about.
    Hey now! I went to an awesome Massachusetts state school! ;) I think my school is worth bragging about :P
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    s-aries8990Amyzen83perdonami
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    ashleyep said:
    phira said:


    I think you honestly just need to work out how you're feeling about your dad. One of the (MANY) reasons why I cut ties was that I was also sick of feeling like my only value to my dad was that he could show me off. When I was estranged from him during high school and college, people asked me, "Well, what if he refuses to pay for your college tuition?" I pointed out that, besides the fact that I had a full scholarship to a state university (so if he didn't want to pay for my college, he just had to say so, and I'd go to that school), I knew he'd much rather put a bumper sticker for my pretigious top choice on his car and brag about the school I got into than had to admit that 1) he was estranged from his daughter and 2) because of that, she went to a state school he wouldn't want to brag about.
    Hey now! I went to an awesome Massachusetts state school! ;) I think my school is worth bragging about :P
    It IS worth bragging about! My partner went there, and honestly, I wish I had, too. Even though my dad DID pay for most of my college tuition, I still had to take out loans, and the biology department at that particular state school is 1000X better than the one at the school I went to. While I cherish the college experience I had, I still wish I had made a different decision.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    ashleyepAmyzen83perdonami
  • If he really does go through girlfriends so fast when you invite her by name when the invitations go out she won't be around come time for the wedding. So she won't be an issue.
    ashleyepAmyzen83
  • You don't have to indicate a plus one on the STD.  If you choose to send him a STD, you can address it to your father only.  Then you can reevaluate based on his relationship status when you send the actual invitation.  You would want to name his date on the invite if you don't want him bringing a random person.
  • Also, my real advice is not to send him a STD at all if you're concerned.  We had a couple of people in our lives who we weren't sure about and didn't send a STD.  I'm SO glad we didn't.  Their actions got even worse and we ended up not inviting either of them.
    sarawifenowKrisLSmiley
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Also, my real advice is not to send him a STD at all if you're concerned.  We had a couple of people in our lives who we weren't sure about and didn't send a STD.  I'm SO glad we didn't.  Their actions got even worse and we ended up not inviting either of them.
    This is what I am worried about. Since I haven't talked to him in about a month, I feel like he is brewing. That I really don't want to have some random lady at the wedding that I know nothing about. I think I will definitely wait to send the STD and reasses the situation later.
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    Amyzen83perdonami
  • phira said:
    Living together =/= married
    Publicly a couple =/= engaged
    AroundTheBlock's advice =/= logical
    I would just like to add:

    Living together =/= engaged, either
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Amyzen83KeptInStitches
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    phira said:
    Living together =/= married
    Publicly a couple =/= engaged
    AroundTheBlock's advice =/= logical
    I would just like to add:

    Living together =/= engaged, either
    YUP.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • Also, my real advice is not to send him a STD at all if you're concerned.  We had a couple of people in our lives who we weren't sure about and didn't send a STD.  I'm SO glad we didn't.  Their actions got even worse and we ended up not inviting either of them.
    This is what I am worried about. Since I haven't talked to him in about a month, I feel like he is brewing. That I really don't want to have some random lady at the wedding that I know nothing about. I think I will definitely wait to send the STD and reasses the situation later.

    I wouldn't let that bother you.  You may still have people like that. We have friends SOs coming to the wedding that we've never met before.
    NYCBruinsarawifenowAmyzen83KeptInStitches
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    kaos16 said:

    I would just like to add that I attended a friend's wedding where the bride was estranged from her father.  She felt pressured to invite him from other family members, so she did.  The bride did a dance with her brother which was lovely.  The father got drunk and obnoxious over the course of the night.  He also brought a "date" who may have been a prostitute.  She wore a teeny, tiny silver dress so short that you could basically see her ovaries.  There was a lot of bending over and grinding on the dance floor, with some making out, and other inappropriate activites for adults in public at a family wedding.

    At the end of the night, do you know what I thought of the bride with all of this going on?  I thought she looked gorgeous, and happy.  I thought her wedding turned out beautifully, and I thought her dad made himself look like an ass. . . . .nobody else!

    Thank you for this. I think that I am too worried about what people will think of me and not of him. Haha, I really should have titled this thread better.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Changed the title to something a little more appropriate. You ladies are like personal therapists. Love it.
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    offthemarket915KrisLSmiley
  • As much as I hate the "it's your speshal day attitudes most people use especially brides" @offthemarket915 hit things spot on! And all these other ladies gave awesome advice... Well except one lady but I'm not going to name names and I think we all know who that is..

    But anyway as someone with awesome parents I still have my own issues with some of their quirks but in no way would I ever try to compare someone else's life with mine. Your family is your family and I'm sorry you have to deal with this! Definately do not send him a save the date which it looks like you won't and just focus on the people who truly love and support you and treat you right! This will be the only wedding you and your fi will ever have together live it up and enjoy the process!
    sarawifenowHisGirlFriday13offthemarket915cowgirl8238
  • edited March 2014

    @phiraand @amyzen83Thanks, I appreciate that b/c it's hard to talk about and I almost didn't post.

    ITA with you... I've been estranged from them for decades but am feeling fresh grief over the loss as I plan the wedding.  It almost surprised me... I've  had the therapy, thought I'd made peace with it all.  Not so much, evidently lol 

    And even close friends who know the whole sad story have asked if I'm inviting anyone in my family.  Um, have we met? Oh and thanks for bringing up a sad topic. Awesome.  I think it goes to show how people just cannot wrap their minds around it.

    I'm glad your sister is trying to work it out with you.  I can imagine how difficult that can be for a sibling.  Especially in cases involving abuse, often one child becomes the target and the others do not receive the same treatment.  They may be poorly treated, but not to the extent of the target. Therefore, they cannot reconcile the experience (as you said) of the abused with the image they have of a parent they may love. And so they choose sides, or at least in my case they do. Only my Grandmother, who has sadly passed, stood by my side.  And the cheese stands alone.

     

    perdonami
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