Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

kmmssg · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Well, just got off the phone, cancelled everything. Working with FMIL to find a date that makes her happy. Now to start saving up for the costs of a Saturday wedding. Guess I won't be a wife for a while.
Oh well, that's what I get for being thoughtless and selfish. Just desserts.

You were not thoughtless and selfish - you didn't know what you didn't know. Being thoughtless and selfish takes intent - you didn't have it.

Can I ask if there was something specifically work related that was causing FMIL problems with the wedding?

happybride42 · March 2014

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

happybride42 · March 2014

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

Kauris · March 2014

I think you are being hard on yourself. You stated that you wanted to elope and not involve anyone and I can only assume that you initially made those plans based on that.

It was VERY nice of you to reschedule this and I can only hope it will help your relationship with FILs, but again, don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you are able to enjoy your day once it gets here.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

stonermoog said:
No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

Hold on a sec. If you and your FI are paying for your own wedding, then your FMIL DOES NOT get the right to inflate your guest list on your dime simply bc she was pissed you both wanted to elope.

You and your FI better have a conversation with her immediately, and tell her your budget is set and give her a concrete, specific number of guests she can invite. . . And that's it.

Your FMIL sounds like she is an emotional manipulator- don't let her be.

Weesh · March 2014

stonermoog said:

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

**Stuck in the box. You were very kind to change the date in order to accommodate your FMIL's. She doesn't have to agree with your decision to get married by yourself, but she doesn't now get to control your guest list and make changes to your original wedding plans. She may think it's rude, but you were hosting the two guests you had well if you planned on getting plane tickets and hosting something after the ceremony. She can think it's rude, but it's ruder to dictate someone's guest list or not be able to host the guests you have.

Before you talk to her again, I would talk to your fiance and come up with a clear plan of what YOU BOTH want for your wedding day. Changing the date doesn't equal changing the guest list, and if you still want to get married with just the two of you and his parents, you should still be able to do that. You are changing the date to ensure their attendance, not to change the entire wedding. You don't have to go broke because she mistakenly thinks you are rude. Stand your ground and make a plan, good luck!

Kauris · March 2014

stonermoog said:

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

This changes my answer. Elope. Elope on your original date. If she doesn't like it tough. You went above and beyond. Please don't let her manipulate you into thinking you are being rude. You were not, you never were. Gah, the nerve of people, even parents.

happybride42 · March 2014

I'm so freaked out by all of this.... FI is super annoyed by whole thing now. I think I need to binge-watch some always sunny in Philadelphia and eat ice cream and forget about it.

kmmssg · March 2014

stonermoog said:

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

Holy crap! Do NOT fall for THAT kind of manipulation! You have a whole ballgame on your hands now. Do NOT plan what she wants. It is one thing to make sure it is fairly convenient but it is entirely something else for her to start manipulating you like that. There is a meet in the middle here and that ain't it.

Jen4948 · March 2014

stonermoog said:

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

You weren't rude. She's the one being rude by accusing you of being rude and threatening to "invite as many guests as she likes" - who's going to pay for all those guests? Her? She needs to shut the f up.

Don't bother trying to "make it up to" this woman-if you do, she's just going to look for more ways to accuse you of wrongdoing and demand that you jump through more hoops to "make it up to her"-which you'll never succeed in doing.

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

@stonermoog, I'm with PPs. DO NOT let her manipulate you. At the end of the day, if you and FI are paying for the wedding, you get final say on the guest list. You only invite the number of people you can properly host on your budget. If FMIL has a problem with that, tough shit. If she's not chipping in money, she can't force you to invite guests she wants - she can suggest, and you can choose not to acquiesce.

mysticl · March 2014

Jennycolada said:

indianaalum said:

stonermoog said:

Maybe they are annoyed with us for getting married on a Tuesday, instead of at the weekend.... sigh.

Did you clear it with them in the first place? Although not required, it's always a better idea to clear dates with VIP's ahead of time to make sure it works for them

honestly? Getting married on a Tuesday is probably not the most convenient day for guests overall.

They aren't having guests. It's just them and his parents.
------ Uh, parents are still guests?

Yes, but they had already RSVPd "yes". It's not like there were other people who were going to find the date inconvenient and decide not to attend leaving the bride and groom with an empty reception venue.

mysticl · March 2014

stonermoog said:

Well, just got off the phone, cancelled everything. Working with FMIL to find a date that makes her happy. Now to start saving up for the costs of a Saturday wedding. Guess I won't be a wife for a while.
Oh well, that's what I get for being thoughtless and selfish. Just desserts.

You can still have a wedding that is just the two of you and his parents. You don't need to have all the trappings of a big wedding if you don't want them.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

mysticl said:

stonermoog said:

Well, just got off the phone, cancelled everything. Working with FMIL to find a date that makes her happy. Now to start saving up for the costs of a Saturday wedding. Guess I won't be a wife for a while.
Oh well, that's what I get for being thoughtless and selfish. Just desserts.

You can still have a wedding that is just the two of you and his parents. You don't need to have all the trappings of a big wedding if you don't want them.
Yeah, even if FMIL *wants* them.

banana468 · March 2014

I'm thinking a come to diety discussion is an order with FMIL. I'm now getting the distinct impression that she's great at emotional manipulation. Do not fall into her trap!

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

They knew the details of your wedding when they said yes. I personally think you jumped the gun by canceling your wedding based on her demands but that is neither here nor there at this point. I think you're pretty awesome for trying to accommodate your future in laws but she's playing you, and hard. Change the date and day of the week to make it possible for her to attend but do NOT change your vision. Stick with the small wedding with just you two and your in laws and anyone else you'd like to invite. Don't give in to her.

I'd seriously elope and not tell them until way after the fact. When she bitches simply say "all this wedding planning was really appearing to stress you out and was stressing us out as well. I simply couldn't be the cause of your stress so we felt it would be better for everyone if we just eloped. Hey have you tried this bean dip? It's great!"

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

stonermoog said:

No, not work related. She was offended that we were getting married by ourselves. She said that if I want to make it up to her for being so rude she is going to invite as many guests as she likes. This is going to get expensive but that is what I get.

No. Absolutely not.

You and your FI need to have a come-to-Jesus conversation with his mother in which the cards are laid out on the table: 'Mom, we wanted Vegas, and you objected and were passive-aggressive about it. We agreed to not have Vegas, but that doesn't mean you get to invite everyone you've ever known. This is still our wedding and we still get to call all the shots. Your choices are to accept the smaller, intimate wedding we want -- which we will hold at a time that's convenient for you and FFIL -- or we're going to Vegas without you, eloping, and you don't get to see any part of our wedding. Which do you want?'

DO NOT fall into her trap of emotional manipulation. If you and FI are paying for it yourselves, you get to make all the decisions. It would be a kindness of you to give your FILs a specific number of invites (accounting for SOs; i.e., 5 invites might equal 10 people), but it is not a requirement.

happybride42 · March 2014

FI was really upset when he found out I cancelled everything but after I read what @TheGrimReaper said I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I had to do it.
We had a talk and FMIL told me that it was classless to get married on a Tuesday, that nobody does this, she'd never heard of such a thing.
FI says we should try to restore our original plans but I don't know now. I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm so confused.

TheGrimReaper · March 2014

Whoa, whoa whoa. I never said you were a bad person or that you should be ashamed. And what your FMIL said was out of line. If you want to get married on a Tuesday, you get married on a Tuesday. But you shouldn't be upset if people can't come. That's all I was saying.

The more details you post, the more your FMIL is just tryin to steamroll you. If you want them there, plan a date that works for them. But don't let them tell you what you have to have for your wedding.

ScoutF · March 2014

H and I got married on a Tuesday and we (and our wedding) are far from classless. If you two want to get married in Vegas on a Tuesday, do it. You've done more than enough trying to accommodate FMIL. Don't let her try to manipulate you and your FI.

banana468 · March 2014

stonermoog said:
FI was really upset when he found out I cancelled everything but after I read what @TheGrimReaper said I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I had to do it.
We had a talk and FMIL told me that it was classless to get married on a Tuesday, that nobody does this, she'd never heard of such a thing.
FI says we should try to restore our original plans but I don't know now. I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm so confused.

If you really want her there plan something local and private. Absolutely do not allow her to spend your money without your consent.

I also think you and your FI need to get more on the same page. It sounds like you had to tell him that you changed the plans and shouldn't that have been a joint decision?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

stonermoog said:
FI was really upset when he found out I cancelled everything but after I read what @TheGrimReaper said I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I had to do it.
We had a talk and FMIL told me that it was classless to get married on a Tuesday, that nobody does this, she'd never heard of such a thing.
FI says we should try to restore our original plans but I don't know now. I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm so confused.

Disclaimer: I am drinking. I am perhaps drunk.

Your FMIL is a fucking bitch. She is trying to steamroll you into doing what she wants, which is ducking ridiculous.

You shouldn't have cancelled plans without talking with your FI.

If you give into your FMIL now , you will spend the rest of your life giving into her and giving her what she wants.

Do not set that precedent.

Do what you and your FI want. Disregard your FMIL.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

banana468 said:

FI was really upset when he found out I cancelled everything but after I read what @TheGrimReaper said I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I had to do it.
We had a talk and FMIL told me that it was classless to get married on a Tuesday, that nobody does this, she'd never heard of such a thing.
FI says we should try to restore our original plans but I don't know now. I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm so confused.
If you really want her there plan something local and private. Absolutely do not allow her to spend your money without your consent. I also think you and your FI need to get more on the same page. It sounds like you had to tell him that you changed the plans and shouldn't that have been a joint decision?

HisGirlFriday13 said:

FI was really upset when he found out I cancelled everything but after I read what @TheGrimReaper said I was so ashamed of myself that I felt like I had to do it.
We had a talk and FMIL told me that it was classless to get married on a Tuesday, that nobody does this, she'd never heard of such a thing.
FI says we should try to restore our original plans but I don't know now. I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm so confused.
Disclaimer: I am drinking. I am perhaps drunk. Your FMIL is a fucking bitch. She is trying to steamroll you into doing what she wants, which is ducking ridiculous. You shouldn't have cancelled plans without talking with your FI. If you give into your FMIL now , you will spend the rest of your life giving into her and giving her what she wants. Do not set that precedent. Do what you and your FI want. Disregard your FMIL.

So much all of the bolded.

happybride42 · April 2014

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and help. It's a weird situation and I feel kind of strange about the way it's evolved. His parents are coming to Las Vegas, they will come to the ceremony and then they will leave and go to his brother's house and spend the night. They do not want to have dinner. MIL does not drink and my FI insists that if we try to organize a meal, a drink or an appetizer she will become upset by that. I'm not happy about this situation but he has convinced me to let it go.
I can let it go, only because I have some peripheral weirdness in my own family. Off-topic Example: I am not allowed to buy my father gifts. Seriously, any time I or my mother ever got my father a gift, he'd throw it on the floor, get mad and tell us to return it.we got endless shouting lectures to "NOT spend money on this garbage". Finally, after my mom died, I didn't buy him a gift for Xmas. We had the nicest Xmas EVER that year. He thanked me for not giving him a gift. Now I don't buy gifts, he doesn't throw fits. My FI explained that it's the same with his folks, they will be UPSET by being entertained.
I know it sounds weird, but families are strange. I have to go with what he wants. But at least it's all settled and decided and everybody seems to be getting along fine. I feel badly that they are flying all the way to Vegas to spend barely any time with us but everybody seems to be copacetic.
*Shrug*

happybride42 · April 2014

And yes, it was totally messed up of me to cancel that stuff without talking to FI. He was shocked that I cancelled but he was sweet about it and we got it fixed. But yeah, I feel really stupid about having done it. I just flipped out and went all BRIDEBRAIN for a moment. Super lame.

Simply Fated · April 2014

Did you say FMIL didn't go to her other children's weddings and FI's first? Did I read that correctly?

happybride42 · April 2014

yes, @simply fated, you read that right. and I am beginning to understand how that went down. things seem to be rather tricky with his family. they don't apparently enjoy these occasions... that's how my FI puts it. the more I have tried to force this event into a box that would be traditionally acceptable (for example hosting a meal after the ceremony) the more trouble it causes. I'm not sure why this is so but I have to respect the fact that it's HIS family and he knows best how to deal with it. I can't claim to understand it but hey... whatever. apparently his brother and sister in law may come and witness the ceremony "if they are in the mood that night".
the hell with trying to do things the right way to please 'em. guess we will just go with the flow...

Simply Fated · April 2014

Better now than later to start working on accepting how they are.
I do feel bad that they don't seem to care. I don't want you to think they'll change because history says they won't.

I honestly think that you and your Fi should plan the wedding you two want and not worry about whether or not they give a crap.

I don't know you at all, but if you say that your FIL have always been like this, then I think it's nothing that you are doing wrong. I hope you accept that soon before you drive yourself bonkers trying to appease them.

happybride42 · April 2014

I think to tonight I really began to understand & accept that this is how they are and Ican let go of these expectations I have about trying to do things "right" for them. They don't want to be properly hosted. They don't give an F about proper etiquette or how weddings generally work. I'm not hurt, I don't expect them to care about this wedding. I was just making myself & my FI crazy with rules I felt we had to follow to be good hosts. At this point all I care about is our ceremony and getting married to this wondeful, patient, kind man. ... whoever shows up, shows up. We will go have a nice dinner alone after... no reasons to stress anymore.

TheGrimReaper · April 2014

Yeah, this whole thing is very odd. You can offer that they come to dinner with you, and if they decline, it doesn't mean you didn't host them correctly. They just refused your hospitality.

Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

Re: Am I responsible for a hotel room for my FILs? -- UPDATE in comments

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