FMIL & Thank You Notes

Re: FMIL & Thank You Notes

• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  'No, FMIL, I don't reject all of your ideas, just the tacky, wasteful, rude ones that are indicative of a lack of manners.'

  
  

  (Not that I'm advocating you say that, but, that's what I thought when I read this.)

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• ladybird29 member

  

  March 2014

  Ha, yes exactly!! I seriously fantasize about saying that every time I see her. Luckily we don't live in the same state...
  

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• MrsAitch member

  

  March 2014

  Oh my goodness, my sister did the same thing to me and got so mad when I said no. Just try to be really enthusiastic about the other ideas she has that aren't so bad, maybe? And as far as the coasters go, you could always say "they're lovely, but just not my taste." Even if you don't think they're lovely.
  

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• melbenso member

  

  March 2014

  If the raffle for prizes thing is what is really bugging her, suggest that they bring a timer to the shower, set it for random intervals during gift opening, and when the timer goes off, the person whose gift you are opening gets a prize.  I've seen it done at a couple of showers.  It has the fun, "suspense" aspect of a raffle without the etiquette issues.
  

  

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• tammym1001 member

  

  March 2014

  I was co-hosting a baby shower for my bff with her mom and one of her other friends that I don't know very well. BFF brought up having the guests address their own envelopes and I immediately was like "no we aren't doing that" (I may have been a little loud too because I had a couple of glasses of wine in me). Then her friend says well that's what we did at my bridal shower and I thought it was a really good idea. Open mouth, insert foot. Oops! We didn't end up doing it though.

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  tammym1001 said:

  I was co-hosting a baby shower for my bff with her mom and one of her other friends that I don't know very well. BFF brought up having the guests address their own envelopes and I immediately was like "no we aren't doing that" (I may have been a little loud too because I had a couple of glasses of wine in me). Then her friend says well that's what we did at my bridal shower and I thought it was a really good idea. Open mouth, insert foot. Oops! We didn't end up doing it though.

  
  

  She was right to be embarrassed by the rudeness. You weren't wrong to point it out!
  

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  March 2014

  I've never heard of it being done at a bridal shower but everyone does it for baby showers here. It is a door prize kind of thing.

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2014

  I loathe it at all showers and I don't give two hoots if it's used for a raffle.   I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night.   I know full well that when you ask me to write out my name and address on an envelope you do so because you're planning to use it for the TY notes.    It's that or there's a group pap smear happening and I get my results in 2-3 weeks.

  
  

  I"d tell your MIL that the raffle / prize sounds like a great idea but the asking the guests to fill out their own envelopes for their TYs is what chaps your behind.   

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• edandy member

  

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  I've been to a showers where they did that and I didn't even a little bit care. They drew prizes with the envelopes and I won some wine and perfume.

  
  

  As long as the message inside is nice and thoughtful....Addressing envelopes takes a lot of time and I don't mind making something easier on the couple. My MIL did that for her daughter's wedding, so I will probably expect it to happen at mine? I don't care. 

  
  

  But I also live in Canada where it's also expected to have a cash bar. I never even knew that people did it any other way until I came to snarky brides! I did find a topic full of Canadians that also were confused about the no cash bar rule. 

  
  

  http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995135/cash-bars/p1
  

  
  Different cultures, smh. 

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• tesgirl123 member

  

  March 2014

  I think having your guest write out their own envelope is incredibly tacky.   Maybe if you say something like, "I don't mind writing out the envelopes since I think it gives it a more personal touch," that would sound better to your FMIL.    Also saying something like, "I like the idea of a raffle, I hope we can work that in," would make her feel more appeased.

  Also, stand your ground on the coasters with your face on them as favors.   I don't mind coasters, but honestly having someone else's face on them weird.   I got a mug with the B&G's faces on it at a wedding as a favor and it went immediately in the garbage.

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• pumpkinsandturkeys member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  I've been to a showers where they did that and I didn't even a little bit care. They drew prizes with the envelopes and I won some wine and perfume.

  
  

  As long as the message inside is nice and thoughtful....Addressing envelopes takes a lot of time and I don't mind making something easier on the couple. My MIL did that for her daughter's wedding, so I will probably expect it to happen at mine? I don't care. 

  
  

  But I also live in Canada where it's also expected to have a cash bar. I never even knew that people did it any other way until I came to snarky brides! I did find a topic full of Canadians that also were confused about the no cash bar rule. 

  
  

  http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995135/cash-bars/p1
  

  
  Different cultures, smh. 

  WHOA. Whoa whoa whoawhoawhoa.

  
  

  NO. This is NOT the norm in Canada! PLEASE do NOT make blanket statements and pigeon-hole our lovely country.

  
  

  I'm not sure exactly where in Canada you live, but in my area of the country, cash bars are considered just as rude and tacky as people on these boards say they are. You may belong to a group of people who agree that it's acceptable because one or more people said it is and everyone else goes along with it because they don't know any better.

  
  

  Also, the Canadians in that thread may just be confused people who have not been educated on the disrespectful nature of cash bars -- as are many other people from many other countries. This is not a 'Canadian thing.' Just because a couple of people from out west, one from ON, and one from NS say it's the 'norm' in their province or in the country as a whole does NOT make it true. And there were clearly posters from NB and PQ who said that they have never been to a cash bar in their home provinces.

  
  

  I apologise (because I'm sure one thing we can agree on as Canadians is that we love to apologise and hate to offend) for getting all up-in-arms about this and kind of jumping on you, @edandy , but please, please refrain from the sweeping generalisations re: cash bars and Canadians.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• edandy member

  

  March 2014

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

  I hardly think it's stupid to be offended that you're tarring an entire nation with the brush of white-trash tacky.

  
  

  I mean, I'm American, and I wouldn't want my entire country to be painted with the brush of the homophobic Westboro Baptist nutters.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

  Some people on the Internet find rudeness to be no big deal. Is this a travesty like starving children? No. That doesn't change the fact that it IS rude. If the guest of honor at a shower is so strapped for time that she can't address her thank you notes herself then she should have declined the damn party.

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• pumpkinsandturkeys member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

  Um... stupid things? Inviting your guests to a celebration that you're hosting and then making them pay for their own beverages is 'stupid'?

  
  

  That kind of IS a big deal. Scratch that -- remove 'kind of', because it's just a big deal, period.

  
  

  Once again, it's likely just your social group that is fine with being tacky and rude, rather than your entire geographical area. I'm sure that there are people in my region/province who have cash bars, but that doesn't make it normal here and it also doesn't make it more acceptable.

  
  

  Also, I'd like to note that this issue bothers me just as much during in-person exchanges as it does on the Internet. I'm sure many people here would agree that we don't just espouse strong opinions and push etiquette on people only when online, but that our beliefs and opinions stay the same while offline, too.

  
  

  You do not make your guests pay for things, in any part of the world, at any time. If you choose to go against this, that does not make it normal or acceptable. Period.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• RedJacks25 member

  

  March 2014

  We addressed our own envelopes at my friend's bridal shower. I didn't think it was rude or lazy of the bride or anything, and I didn't mind doing it.
  
  However, after being on TK, I would never allow that to happen at any shower of mine. I mean, the whole point of being here is to learn and to teach, right? Even though I'm not offended by it, I'm not going to allow something to happen that could potentially offend someone else.
  

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2014

  Addressing envelopes does not take that much time. An adult should be able to handle that task. I've been asked to do this at showers and every fucking time, I'm annoyed. It's tacky, it's rude and I wish people would stop asking others to do this. 

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• Inkdancer member

  

  March 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Addressing envelopes does not take that much time. An adult should be able to handle that task. I've been asked to do this at showers and every fucking time, I'm annoyed. It's tacky, it's rude and I wish people would stop asking others to do this. 

  This. I addressed all of our Save-the-Dates in an hour. There's no way that there will be so many people at your shower that you can't address the thank you notes yourself.
  

  

  

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• kaitlynmichelle member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

  I don't know where in Canada you are but I'm also Canadian and cash bars are not the norm where I live. That's a huge generalization to make.
  

  

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• CaliMel11 member

  

  March 2014

  It took me all of 30 mins to write out our thank you cards. So really it does not take that long at all as long as you are organized and have a list of who gave what.
  That's the only "hard" part, imho.
  
  If people want to do a raffle so badly, buy a roll of those tickets, everyone who comes in the door gets one, and there you go!
  

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• kerbohl member

  

  March 2014

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  
  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  March 2014

  I made a choice a long time to decide I wouldn't get my panties in a knot if this happened to me at a shower but I do not advocate it at all.  I cohosted a shower for my niece 3 years ago with my SIL - I did food, she did invitations and games.  While I was preparing some food the envelopes came out and SIL had people addressing them.

  I will be honest that this seriously happens at every shower I attend (except the last one but I have since learned that that bride is not planning on sending TY notes for the shower or wedding...). 

  This has been the only point of contention between me and DD who is getting married.  Her shower is in 3 weeks and this was mentioned.  Mama "may" have reacted a bit strongly.  DD and her friends see this at all their friends wedding/baby shower and think it is fine.  She thinks I am a bit high strung on this one.

  I ordered her shower invitations and TY notes from Vistaprint.  Both sets of envelopes had a meeting with my printer.  This has been our only conflict so far and everything is in place, so for that I am grateful.

   

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• Kauris member

  

  March 2014

  kerbohl said:

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  If they are invited to the shower, they should be invited to the wedding, therefore you should have their address, yes? If it is a baby shower, you would still have their address from sending the invitation.

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• Vivandiere8 member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  Alright! Maybe it's just my area of Canada and everyone else's in that topic. And people on the internet get so worked up over stupid things that I just laugh. It's no big deal

  When my sister got married she married a Canadian and when they were planning out the wedding her future inlaws strongly voiced that an open bar was the only way to go if you were hosting properly. So I think just like America you will find pockets of people who use cash bar more or less often, or not at all.
  

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  kasmith1 said:

  
  

  kerbohl said:

  
  

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  
  

  If they are invited to the shower, they should be invited to the wedding, therefore you should have their address, yes? If it is a baby shower, you would still have their address from sending the invitation.
  
  SO. MUCH. THIS.
  
  The excuse of not having addresses is bullshit. They got invited to the party, didn't they? Yeah, they did. So SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE has their damn address. Ask that person.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2014

  ladybird29 said:

  VENT: Until coming to the knot, I had never heard of or been asked to address my own thank you note at a shower. I figured maybe it just wasn't done in my area which is great because I think it's a terrible idea. Imagine my surprise when my FMIL suggested we do that at my wedding shower coming up in two months...I said I really wasn't comfortable with that and would prefer to address my own notes and she actually got angry about it! She said, "everybody does it...my boss' daughter, my niece, everyone. Then you raffle off the envelopes for prizes." I kept trying to explain why I didn't care for the idea and she would just talk over me, each time her voice getting louder. I'm sorry, but asking guests to address their own notes is lazy and rude and I would be beyond embarrassed if this actually happened. Luckily, my Aunt (who is co-hosting with her) took my side and said it wouldn't happen at the shower. My FMIL is now acting like I reject all of her ideas...which I do because most of them are tacky and/or a waste of money...i.e. money dance, coasters with our pictures in them (who would want that??), etc.

  Stop discussing anything wedding-related with your FMIL.  She's being an immature jerk to you.
  

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• kerbohl member

  

  March 2014

  kasmith1 said:

  kerbohl said:

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  If they are invited to the shower, they should be invited to the wedding, therefore you should have their address, yes? If it is a baby shower, you would still have their address from sending the invitation.

  You don't send the invite to a  baby shower, because you aren't hosting your own baby shower.  So no . . . Yes, you could ask the host, but some showers don't have formal invites and are by phone, which means that the host still doesn't necessarily have the address. 
  

  
  

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• Cookie Pusher member

  

  March 2014

  kerbohl said:

  kasmith1 said:

  kerbohl said:

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  If they are invited to the shower, they should be invited to the wedding, therefore you should have their address, yes? If it is a baby shower, you would still have their address from sending the invitation.

  You don't send the invite to a  baby shower, because you aren't hosting your own baby shower.  So no . . . Yes, you could ask the host, but some showers don't have formal invites and are by phone, which means that the host still doesn't necessarily have the address. 
  

  Even if you aren't hosting your own baby shower, you should know everyone in attendance since inviting strangers is gift-grabby. And if someone is close enough to you to be invited to such an event, you should not be afraid to ask them for their address away from the shower.

  ~*~*~*~*~

  
  

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• Kauris member

  

  March 2014

  kerbohl said:

  kasmith1 said:

  kerbohl said:

  I am not advocating the addressing of envelopes at showers - I've been to a shower where it was done and didn't care, but it was not done at mine.
  HOWEVER, I do have a question.  Not everyone is blessed with knowing by heart all the addresses of people at a shower.  Would it therefore be considered rude if they had to sign a guest book at a shower with their addresses for the thank-you cards?  Because essentially it is very similar - they still have to write down their addresses, just not on the actual envelopes.  At the shower where I was at where people wrote on the envelopes, this was the main reason - not the laziness, but the ignorance about addresses.  When that is the case, it seems significantly less rude to me, but that might just be an opinion.
  As to the Canadian debate, Canada is a huge country smack full of different cultures.  It is therefore impossible to make a blanket statement about all Canadians, even statements like "whoa it's cold in the winter", because those lucky Vancouverites get mild winters.  So if someone says something is normal in Canada, always assume they just omitted the phrase "in my area".  Makes it far harder to get offended. 
  

  If they are invited to the shower, they should be invited to the wedding, therefore you should have their address, yes? If it is a baby shower, you would still have their address from sending the invitation.

  You don't send the invite to a  baby shower, because you aren't hosting your own baby shower.  So no . . . Yes, you could ask the host, but some showers don't have formal invites and are by phone, which means that the host still doesn't necessarily have the address. 
  

  
  I've thrown my fair share of bridal showers, baby showers, luncheons and sip-n-sees and NEVER have I issued a phone call invitation. I personally won't even do a evite for a party like any of the previous mentioned. I have always sent a printed invitation and in that case the bride or mom to be sent me a list of names and addresses. It's really not as difficult as you are making it out to be.

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  March 2014

  In my group we tend to send shower invite via email. The only thing that we still paper invites for are weddings. Like I said we do it for baby showers here but not bridal showers. We know it is against etiquette but we don't mind making things a bit easier for mom-to-be.

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